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Readings in Rabelais (1883) by Walter Besant.

Contents

  • 1 Full text
  • 2 INTRODUCTION.
  • 3 BOOK I. THE MOST HORRIFIC LIFE OF THE GREAT GARGANTUA, FATHER OF PANTAGRUEL.
  • 4 THE AUTHOR'S PROLOGUE.
  • 5 THE FEAST AT THE BIRTH OF GARGANTUA.
  • 6 THE CHILDHOOD OF GARGANTUA.
  • 7 Front matter
  • 8 Contents

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Full text

INTRODUCTION.

IN these Readings I have set myself especially toillustrate the wisdom of Rabelais. As for his stoutheart, his cheerfulness, and his brave face, theseare apparent in every page, and need no one topoint them out. The stories, however, with whichhe sought to enliven his readers will be foundsparingly represented here. They are neitherbetter nor worse (though much better told) thanthe stories in the "Cent Nouvelles Nouvelles,'those of Desperiers, or the 'Heptameron'; butthe tales of Brother Tappecoue and the SieurDindenault may serve as favourable specimens.In the Comédie Humaine of Rabelais, we aretaught, by allegory, by parable, or by direct admonition, in every page. The man's head is full oflearning, and his heart is full of his fellow- creatures.Even in his maddest and most extravagant moments, there drops a word of wisdom, unexpected,in the midst. In Rabelais there is no pure fooling.

He takes the old nursery giant Gargantua, whomevery French child knew, and interweaves with thetales of his miraculous birth and childhood suchthoughts and counsels as the world had neverbefore heard. First, it is a scheme of educationin which body and mind alike are trained andperfected. This scheme has never been surpassed,nor will it ever be even equalled until professorsof education recognise some of the conditions ofsuccess, as taught by Rabelais. Thus, first of all,there is the absolute devotion of the tutor to thepupil; so that education does not consist in formallessons, or in books and school only: nor canany system of education be considered completewhich does not include riding, dancing, music,singing, gymnastics, work for the hands, knowledge of manufactures and industries, and intelligent study of GOD's glorious works on the earthand in the heavens, and these not singly (whichmakes a boy unpractical and doctrinaire), but incompany with others. But in this scheme appliedto modern ideas, football and cricket would play avery small part in the day's exercises. It makesone sad and sorry to think how glorious a creaturea perfectly trained young man might be, and whatignorant, stunted , deformed, under-taught creaturesINTRODUCTION. viiare we who have had the " best " education of ourday. Another condition of success in the systemof Rabelais is that there are no holidays. Theyoung Prince and his companion never, for instance, get four weeks at Christmas and eight inthe summer, nor a week extra at any time. Butthen the tutors ask for none. Surely there issomething wrong in a system of education whichleaves a fourth part of the year, -think of it, thesolid fourth part! -thirteen weeks, -in idleness.Again, in the same book Rabelais, teaches thefolly of ambition and the wickedness of unprovoked wars, and the righteous destruction whichfalls upon kings who wage them; and he portrays,in his Community of perfectly well-bred and cultivated men and women, the most delightful societyever imagined or described. Strange that thismonk, sprung from the people, reeking of the soil,should have been able to arrive at such a Vision!We might have expected it of the knightly Charlesof Orleans or of King René, but not of this recluse,this monk, of Fontenay-le- Comte. How, in the Limousin scholar, Rabelais ridicules the pedants andprigs ofthe time: in the library of St Victor, the old,worn-out scholastic disputations and treatises: inthe attempts made by Panurge to get an answer toviii INTRODUCTION.his question, the folly of those who expect aught oforacles, astrology, seers, sorcerers, or any who pretend to read the future: how in the great Voyagethe travellers go from island to island learningmany things, but all leading up to, and preparingthe way for, the reply of the Dive Bouteille, —allthis will be found by him who reads what follows.I may be permitted to add that the Readings aredesigned to conform with the book on Rabelaiswhich is one of the series of " Foreign Classics forEnglish Readers." For that reason there is nonecessity for a long introduction. One thing, however, I would wish to point out. Rabelais continually returns to, and again and again insistsupon, the mutual obligation of man to man; thedependence of one upon the other, the necessitythat one should understand the other, the duty ofworking for each other. This is the teachingwhich lies nearest to his heart. He strikes thisnote in his education of the Prince; he dwells uponit again in the Abbey of Thelema; he allows himself to be wholly carried away with it in his praisesof Prodigality and Debt; he touches on it in hisaccount of great Gaster; it lies hidden behind hisaccount of the Court of Queen Entelecheia; andlastly, in the Oracle, he sums up his teaching, andin a manner delivers his soul completely of thisINTRODUCTION. ixdivine message which he had to give. " We place,"says the Priestess, " the sovereign good not in taking and receiving, but in bestowing and giving;and we esteem ourselves happy, not if we takeand receive much of others, but rather if we arealways imparting to others and giving much. "The translation made by Urquhart has one gravefault the translator allows himself continually toimprove and enlarge upon the author. I havetherefore compared every word of the partsselected with the original, and in many cases haveretranslated whole passages. If Urquhart sins inthis respect, much more does Motteux. In thetranslation of the verses of Raminagrobis, I haveto thank Mr Joseph Knight, who has permittedme to use the admirably correct and dexteroustranslation which has already appeared in the'Recreations of the Rabelais Club.'I have been told that I shall never succeed inmaking Rabelais popular. Very likely not. Shakespeare is not popular,-that is to say, he is not commonly read, nor is Milton. But there will alwaysbe among us some who love the method of parableand allegory. I desire only that Rabelais shouldbe "recognised," and that people who ought toknow better should leave off talking nonsenseX INTRODUCTION.about him. It is time that the wisest and kindliestof all Frenchmen should at length cease to be regarded and spoken of as a buffoon with a foulmouth and mind. On this subject I have saidwhat I had to say elsewhere. Buffoon or not, thisman, who belonged to the fifteenth as well as thesixteenth century, had things to say and lessons toteach which concern humanity in all ages, and shallbe read with profit by generation after generationuntil the Golden Age comes back again, and thenwe shall all be educated like unto Gargantua, ladenwith debt like Panurge, courteous as a Brotherof Thelema, wise and stately as Pantagruel, asfree from superstition as Rabelais himself, and,like the disciples of the Dive Bouteille, continually occupied in imparting and giving to othersout of our own abundance. Even then it will bepleasant to read this old book, if only to wonderhow men and women should need to be reminded' of things so simple, so elementary, and so necessary for the maintenance of that better life whichwill be indeed the kingdom of heaven upon thisearth.

W. B.

UNITED UNIVERSITY CLUB,

October 1883.

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BOOK I. THE MOST HORRIFIC LIFE OF THE GREAT GARGANTUA, FATHER OF PANTAGRUEL.

THE AUTHOR'S PROLOGUE.

MOST illustrious drinkers-for to you, and noneelse, do I dedicate my writings -Alcibiades, inthat dialogue of Plato's, which is entitled " TheBanquet," whilst he was setting forth the praisesof his master Socrates, without all question theprince of philosophers, amongst other things, saidthat he resembled the Sileni. Sileni of old werelittle boxes, like those we now may see in theshops of apothecaries, painted on the upper partwith wanton toyish figures, as harpies, satyrs,A2 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.bridled geese, horned hares, ducks with packsaddles, flying goats, harts in shafts, and other suchpictures counterfeited at pleasure to excite peopleunto laughter, as Silenus himself, who was themaster of the good Bacchus, was wont to do; butwithin were carefully preserved fine drugs, suchas balm, ambergris, amomon, musk, civet, withprecious stones, and other things of great price.Such, he said, was Socrates: for to have eyed hisoutside, and esteemed him by his exterior appearance, you would not have given the beard of anonion for him, so ugly he was in body, and ridiculous in his mien. He had a sharp-pointed nose,the look of a bull, and countenance of a fool; hewas in his manners simple, boorish in his apparel,in fortune poor, unhappy in his wife, unfit for alloffices in the commonwealth; always drinking,always carousing with every one, always mocking,always dissimulating his divine knowledge. But,opening this box, you would have found within ita heavenly and inestimable drug, a more thanhuman understanding, admirable virtues, invincible courage, unequalled sobriety, certain contentment, perfect assurance, an incredible disregard of all that for which men commonly do somuch watch, run, toil, navigate, and do battle.Whereunto, in your opinion, doth this littleflourish of a preamble tend? Forasmuch as you,my good disciples, and some other fools of leisure,GARGANTUA. 3<reading the joyous titles of some books of ourinvention, as ' Gargantua, ' ' Pantagruel,' ' Whippot, 'Pease and Bacon, with a commentary,' are tooready to judge, that there is nothing in them butjests, mockeries, and recreative lies; because theoutside ensign-which is the title is commonlyreceived without further inquiry with scoffing andderision. But truly it is unbeseeming with suchfrivolity to estimate the works of men, seeing yourselves avouch that it is not the habit that makesthe monk, and such an one is accoutred in habitmonachal who inwardly is nothing less than monachal; and such an one is clothed in Spanishcape, who in valour in no way belongs to Spain.Therefore is it that you must open the book, andseriously weigh the matter treated in it. Thenshall you find that the drug therein contained isof far higher value than the box did promise; thatis to say, that the matters herein treated are notso foolish as the title above might pretend.And put the case, that in the literal sense youmeet with matters merry enough, and correspondent to the title; yet must not you stop there asat the song of the Sirens, but interpret in a highersense that which possibly you thought said ingaiety of heart. Did you ever pick the lock ofa bottle? Call to mind the countenance whichthen you had. Or, did you ever see a dog whenhe met with a marrow- bone? He is the beast4 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.of all others in the world (says Plato, lib. 2, DeRepublica) the most philosophical. If you haveseen him, you have remarked with what devotionhe watches it; with what care he guards it; howfervently he holds it; how prudently he gobbetsit; with what affection he breaks it; and withwhat diligence he sucks it. To what end all this?What are the hopes of his labour? What doth heexpect to reap thereby? Nothing but a littlemarrow. True it is that this little is more deliciousthan the great quantities of other sorts of meat,because the marrow (as Galen testifieth, iii . Facult.Nat. , and xi. De Usu Partium) is a nourishmentmost perfectly elaboured by nature.In imitation of this dog, it becomes you to bewise to smell, feel, and have in estimation thesefair books, de haulte gresse, light in the pursuit, andbold at the encounter. Then you must, by a curious reading and frequent meditation, break thebone and suck out the substantific marrow, -thatis what I mean by these Pythagorean symbols, —with assured hope of becoming well- advised andvaliant by the said reading; for in it you shallfind another kind of taste, and a doctrine moreprofound, which will disclose unto you deep doctrines and dreadful mysteries, as well in what concerneth our religion as matters of the public stateand life economical.5

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THE FEAST AT THE BIRTH OF GARGANTUA.

[Gargantua was the son of Grandgousier-" a bon raillardin his wine, who loved to drink neat as much as any manwho then was in the world, and willingly would eat saltmeat "-and Gargamelle, his wife, daughter to the king ofthe Parpaillos. It would appear that Grandgousier was aTourangeau by birth, and that he lived in or near the townof Chinon, because, on the day of his son's birth, he hadinvited to drink with him the good folk of Seuilly, CinaisMarçay, La Roche Clermault, Coudray- Montpensier, andother places, all of which lie around that illustrious city,to a feast of tripe with immeasurable drink. ]Grangousier was, in his time, a notable jester,loving to drink neat, as much as any man thatthen was in the world, and would willingly eat saltmeat. To this intent he was ordinarily well furnished with gammons of bacon, both of Mayenceand Bayonne, with store of dried neats' tongues,plenty of chitterlings in their season; together withsalt beef and mustard, great provision of sausagesfrom Bigorre, from Longaulnay, from Brene, andfrom Rouargue. In the vigour of his age hemarried Gargamelle, daughter to the king of theParpaillons, a good wench and fair of phiz.It happened that on the day when Gargantuawas born, they all went out in a hurle to La Saulsaye, where, on the thick grass, to the sound ofmerry flutes and pleasant bagpipes, they danced6 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.so merrily that it was a heavenly pastime to seethem so frolic.After this did they fall upon the chat of victuals.Forthwith began flagons to go, gammons to trot,goblets to fly, glasses to ting. Draw, reach, fill ,mix. Give it me without water. So my friend , so;whip me off this glass gallantly; bring me hitherclaret, yea, a weeping glass. Atruce with thirst!Ha, thou false fever, wilt thou not be gone? Bymy faith, gammer, I cannot as yet enter in thehumour of being merry. You are chilled, gammer?Yea, forsooth. Ventre Saint Quenet! let us talkof drink: I never drink but at my hours, likethe Pope's mule. And I never drink but in mybreviary, like a fair father guardian. Which wasfirst, thirst or drinking? Thirst; for who in thetime of innocence would have drunk without beingathirst? Drinking; for privatio præsupponit habitum. I am a clerk: Facundi calices quem nonfeceredisertum? We poor innocents drink but too muchwithout thirst. Not I, who am a sinner, withoutthirst, if not present, then future thirst preventing,as you understand. I drink eternally. It is to mean eternity of drinking, and a drinking of eternity.Let us sing, let us drink. An anthem, let us strikeup. Do you wet yourselves to dry, or do you dryto wet you? Pish! I understand not the theoric,but I help myself somewhat by the practice.Enough! I wet, I humect, I drink, and all forGARGANTUA. 7fear of dying. Drink always and you shall neverdie. If I drink not, I am dry, I am dead. Mysoul will fly away among the frogs: the soulnever dwells in a dry place. O butlers, creatorsof new forms, make me of no drinker a drinker,everlastingness of sprinkling, through these myparched and sinewy bowels. He drinks in vainthat feels not the pleasure of it. This enterethinto my veins.some drink, someOur fathers drank lustily, and emptied theircans. Well sung! Come, let us drink! I drinkno more than a sponge. I drink like a templar.And I, tanquam sponsus. And I , sicut terra sineaqua. Hey, now, boys! hitherdrink! There is no trouble in it.pone pro duo, bus non est in usu.as well as I can swallow down, Inow very high in the air.Respice personam,If I could get uphad been long ereJacques Cœur grew rich by drinking so:Thus green leaves spring and spring woods grow:Thus great god Bacchus conquered Inde,Philosophy thus learned Melinde.A little rain allays a great deal of wind: longtippling breaks the thunder. Here, page, fill!Drink, Guillot, there is still another pot. I appealfrom thirst, as an abuse. Page, draw out my appealin form. I was wont heretofore to drink all , now Ileave nothing. Let us not haste, let us gather inall. Drink, or I will . No, no; drink, I beseech8 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.you. Sparrows will not eat unless you bob themon the tail, nor can I drink if I be not fairly spoketo. There is not a rabbit-hole in all my body,where this wine doth not ferret out thirst. Ho!this will bang it soundly. This shall banish itutterly. Let us wind our horns by the sound offlagons and bottles, and cry aloud, that whoeverhath lost his thirst come not hither to seek it. Thestone called Asbestos is not more unquenchablethan the thirst of my paternity. Appetite comeswith eating, says Angeston, but thirst goes awaywith drinking. A remedy against thirst? It isquite contrary to that which is good against thebiting of a mad dog. Keep running after a dog,and he will never bite you; drink always beforethe thirst, and it will never come upon you. ThereI have you! There I wake you up! Butler everlasting, keep us from sleep. Argus had a hundredeyes for seeing; a butler should have, like Briareus,a hundred hands to pour out wine indefatigably.Hey! let us moisten ourselves-it will be time todry hereafter. White wine here! Pour out all-pourin the name of Lucifer, pour here,-full. Mytonguepeels. To thee, countryman, I drink to thee, goodfellow, comrade to thee, lusty, lively! Ha, la, la!bravely gulped down. O lachryma Christi! it iswine of La Devinière: it is Touraine wine. O thefine white wine! on my soul, it is taffetas wine;hen, hen, it is wine of one ear, well wrought, and ofGARGANTUA. 9good stuff. Courage, comrade! O the drinkers!O poor thirsty souls! Good page, my friend, fillme here some, and crown the wine, I pray thee.A redbrim, a cardinal! Natura abhorret vacuum.Would you say that a fly could drink in this?This is after the fashion of Brittany. Neat, neat,for this dram.

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THE CHILDHOOD OF GARGANTUA.

Gargantua, from three years to five, was nourishedand instructed in all proper discipline by the commandment of his father, and spent that time likethe other little children of the country, -that is,in drinking, eating, and sleeping; in eating, sleeping, and drinking; and in sleeping, drinking, andeating. Still he wallowed in the mire, blackenedhis face, trod down his shoes at heel; at the flieshe did oftentimes yawn, and willingly ran afterthe butterflies, the empire whereof belonged to hisfather. He sharpened his teeth with a slipper,washed his hands with his broth, combed his headwith a bowl, sat down between two stools andcame to the ground, covered himself with a wetsack, drank while eating his soup, ate his cakewithout bread, would bite in laughing, laugh inbiting, hide himself in the water for fear of rain,ΙΟ READINGS FROM RABELAIS.go cross, fall into dumps, look demure, skin thefox, say the ape's paternoster, return to his sheep,turn the sows into the hay, beat the dog beforethe lion, put the cart before the horse, scratchwhere he did not itch, shoe the grasshopper, ticklehimself to make himself laugh, know flies in milk,scrape paper, blur parchment, then run away, pullat the kid's leather, reckon without his host, beatthe bushes without catching the birds, and thoughtthat bladders were lanterns. He always lookeda gift-horse in the mouth, hoped to catch larks ifever the heavens should fall, and made a virtueof necessity. Every morning his father's puppiesate out of the dish with him, and he with them.He would bite their ears, and they would scratchhis nose.The good man Grangousier said to Gargantua'sgovernesses: " Philip, King of Macedon, knew thewit of his son Alexander, by his skilful managingof a horse; for the said horse was so fierce andunruly that none durst adventure to ride him,because he gave a fall to all his riders, breakingthe neck of this man, the leg of that, the brain ofone, and the jawbone of another. This by Alexander being considered, one day in the hippodrome (which was a place appointed for the walking and running of horses) he perceived that thefury of the horse proceeded merely from the fearhe had of his own shadow; whereupon, getting onGARGANTUA. IIhis back he ran him against the sun, so that theshadow fell behind, and by that means tamed thehorse and brought him to his hand. Whereby hisfather recognised the divine judgment that was inhim, and caused him most carefully to be instructedby Aristotle, who at that time was highly renownedabove all the philosophers of Greece. After thesame manner I tell you, that as regards my sonGargantua, I know that his understanding dothparticipate of some divinity, so keen, subtle, profound, and clear do I find him; and if he be welltaught, he will attain to a sovereign degree ofwisdom. Therefore will I commit him to somelearned man, to have him indoctrinated accordingto his capacity, and will spare no cost. " Whereupon they appointed him a great sophister- doctor,called Maitre Tubal Holophernes, who taught himhis A B C so well that he could say it by heartbackwards; and about this he was five yearsand three months. Then read he to him Donat,Facet, Theodolet, and Alanus in parabolis. Aboutthis he was thirteen years, six months, and twoweeks. But you must remark, that in the meantime he did learn to write in Gothic characters,and that he wrote all his books, -for the art ofprinting was not then in use. After that he readunto him the book De Modis significandi, with thecommentaries of Hurtebise, of Fasquin, of Tropditeux, of Gaulehaut, of John le Veau, of Billonio,12 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.of Brelingandus, and a rabble of others; andherein he spent more than eighteen years andeleven months, and was so well versed in it, that,at the examination, he would recite it by heartbackwards, and did sometimes prove on hisfingers to his mother, quod de modis significandinon erat scientia. Then did he read to him theCompost, on which he spent sixteen years and twomonths, and that justly at the time that his saidPreceptor died, which was in the year one thousandfour hundred and twenty. Afterwards he got another old fellow with a cough to teach him, namedMaitre Jobelin Bridé, who read unto him Hugutio,Hebrard's Grecisme, the Doctrinal, the Parts, theQuid est, the Supplementum, Marmotret, De Moribusin mensa servandis; Seneca De quatuor virtutibuscardinalibus; Passavantus cum commento, and Dormisecurè, for the holidays, and some other of suchlikestuff, by reading whereof he became as wise as anywe have ever baked in an oven.At the last his father perceived that indeed hestudied hard, and that, although he spent all histime in it, he did nevertheless profit nothing, butwhich is worse, grew thereby foolish, simple, doted,and blockish; whereof making a heavy regret toDon Philip des Marays, Viceroy of Papeligosse,he found that it were better for him to learnnothing at all than to be taught suchlike books.under such schoolmasters; because their know-GARGANTUA. 13ledge was nothing but brutishness, and their wisdom but toys, bastardising good and noble spirits,and corrupting the flower of youth. " That it isso, take," said he, " any young boy of the presenttime, who hath only studied two years; if he havenot a better judgment, a better discourse, and thatexpressed in better terms than your son, with acompleter carriage and civility to all manner ofpersons, account me for ever a chawbacon of LaBrene." This pleased Grangousier very well, andhe commanded that it should be done. At nightat supper, the said Des Marays brought in ayoung page of his, from Ville-gouges, called Eudemon, so well combed, so well dressed, so wellbrushed, so sweet in his behaviour, that he resembled a little angel more than a human creature. Then he said to Grangousier, “ Do yousee this child? He is not as yet full twelveyears old. Let us try, if it pleaseth you, whatdifference there is betwixt the knowledge ofthe doting dreamers of old time and the younglads that are now." The trial pleased Grangousier, and he commanded the page to begin.Then Eudemon, asking leave of the viceroy hismaster so to do, with his cap in his hand, aclear and open countenance, ruddy lips, his eyessteady, and his looks fixed upon Gargantua, witha youthful modesty, stood up straight on his feetand began to commend and magnify him, first ,14 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.for his virtue and good manners; secondly, forhis knowledge; thirdly, for his nobility; fourthly,for his bodily beauty; and, in the fifth place,sweetly exhorted him to reverence his father withall observancy, who was so careful to have him.well brought up. In the end he prayed him thathe would vouchsafe to admit of him amongst theleast of his servants; for other favour at that timedesired he none of heaven, but that he might dohim some grateful and acceptable service.All this was by him delivered with gestures soproper, pronunciation so distinct, a voice so eloquent, language so well turned, and in such goodLatin, that he seemed rather a Gracchus, a Cicero,an Æmilius of the time past, than a youth of hisage. But all the countenance that Gargantuakept was, that he fell to crying like a cow, andcast down his face, hiding it with his cap, norcould they possibly draw one word from him.Whereat his father was so grievously vexed, thathe would have killed Maitre Jobelin; but the saidDes Marays withheld him from it by fair persuasions, so that at length he pacified his wrath.Then Grangousier commanded he should be paidhis wages, that they should make him drink theologically, after which he was to go to all thedevils. "At least," said he, "to-day shall it notcost his host much, if by chance he should die asdrunk as an Englishman." Maitre Jobelin beingGARGANTUA. 15gone out of the house, Grangousier consulted withthe viceroy what tutor they should choose forGargantua; and it was betwixt them resolved thatPonocrates, the tutor of Eudemon, should havethe charge, and that they should all go togetherto Paris, to know what was the study of the youngmen of France at that time.THE EDUCATION OF GARGANTUA.[The mare on which Gargantua rode to Paris was as bigas six elephants: she was brought by sea in three corvettesand a brigantine. With the whisking of her tail she laidlow a whole forest. Mounted on her, Gargantua was received with great admiration by the Parisians, who, saysRabelais, are more easily drawn together by a fiddler ora mule with bells than by an evangelical preacher—a peculiarity which they still preserve. The young giant rewardedtheir admiration by carrying away the bells of Nôtre Dame,to hang round the neck of his mare. To recover these bellsthe Parisians sent their most esteemed orator, Maître Janotusde Bragmardo, who came, like the Vice- Chancellor of Cambridge, duly preceded by three bedells, and followed bysix Masters of Arts-Artless Masters-" Maistres Inerts,"Rabelais calls them. His oration is a parody on the pretensions of the old - fashioned scholars, the ostentatiousparade of bad Latin, and the learned discourses of doctors. The bells are restored, and the orator rewarded.Then we leave the realms of the miraculous and becomehuman again. Gargantua ceases, except at intervals, to be16 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.a giant, and Rabelais develops-it is the best, the wisest,the most useful chapter of his book-his theory of what theeducation of a prince should be. ]Ponocrates appointed that, for the beginning, heshould do as he had been accustomed, to the endhe might understand by what means, for so longa time, his old masters had made him so foolish,simple, and ignorant. He disposed, therefore, ofhis time in such fashion that ordinarily he didawake between eight and nine o'clock, whether itwas day or not, for so had his ancient governorsordained, alleging that which David saith, Vanumest vobis ante lucem surgere. Then did he tumbleand wallow in the bed some time, the betterto stir up his vital spirits, and apparelled himselfaccording to the season: but willingly he wouldwear a great long gown of thick frieze, lined withfox fur. Afterwards he combed his head with theGerman comb, which is the four fingers and thethumb; for his preceptors said , that to comb himself otherwise, to wash and make himself neat,was to lose time in this world. Then, to suppressthe dew and bad air, he breakfasted on fair friedtripe, fair grilled meats, fair hams, fair hashed capon,and store of sippet brewis. Ponocrates showed himthat he ought not to eat so soon after rising outof his bed, unless he had performed some exercisebeforehand. Gargantua answered: "What! havenot I sufficiently well exercised myself? I rolledGARGANTUA. 17myself six or seven turns in my bed before I rose.Is not that enough? Pope Alexander did so, bythe advice of a Jew, his physician, and lived tillhis dying day in despite of the envious. My firstmasters have used me to it , saying that breakfastmakes a good memory, wherefore they drank first.I am very well after it, and dine but the better.And Maitre Tubal, who was the first licentiate atParis, told me that it is not everything to run apace, but to set forth well betimes: so doth notthe total welfare of our humanity depend uponperpetual drinking atas, atas, like ducks, but ondrinking well in the morning; whence the verseTo rise betimes is no good hour,To drink betimes is better sure.'After he had thoroughly broken his fast, hewent to church, and they carried for him in agreat basket, a huge breviary. There he heardsix -and- twenty or thirty masses. This while, tothe same place came his sayer of hours, lapped upabout the chin like a tufted whoop, and his breathperfumed with good store of syrup. With him hemumbled all his kyriels, which he so curiouslypicked that there fell not so much as one grainto the ground. As he went from the church, theybrought him, upon a dray drawn by oxen, a heapof paternosters of Sanct Claude, every one ofthem being of the bigness of a hat - block; andthus walking through the cloisters, galleries, orB18 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.garden, he said more in turning them over thansixteen hermits would have done. Then did hestudy for some paltry half- hour with his eyesfixed upon his book; but, as the comic saith, hismind was in the kitchen. Then he sat down attable; and, because he was naturally phlegmatic,he began his meal with some dozens of hams,dried neats' tongues, mullet's roe, chitterlings, andsuch other forerunners of wine. In the meanwhile, four of his folks did cast into his mouth,one after another continually, mustard by wholeshovelfuls. Immediately after that he drank ahorrific draught of white wine for the ease of hiskidneys. When that was done, he ate accordingto the season meat agreeable to his appetite, andthen left off eating when he was like to crack forfulness. As for his drinking, he had neither end norrule. For he was wont to say, that the limits andbounds of drinking were when the cork of the shoesof him that drinketh swelleth up half a foot high.Then heavily mumbling a scurvy grace, hewashed his hands in fresh wine, picked his teethwith the foot of a pig, and talked jovially with hisattendants. Then the carpet being spread, theybrought great store of cards, dice, and chessboards.After having well played, revelled, passed andspent his time, it was proper to drink a little, andthat was eleven goblets the man; and immediatelyGARGANTUA. 19after making good cheer again, he would stretchhimself upon a fair bench, or a good large bed,and there sleep two or three hours together without thinking or speaking any hurt. After he wasawakened he would shake his ears a little . In themeantime they brought him fresh wine. Then hedrank better than ever. Ponocrates showed himthat it was an ill diet to drink so after sleeping."It is," answered Gargantua, " the very life of theFathers; for naturally I sleep salt, and my sleephath been to me instead of so much ham." Thenbegan he to study a little, and the paternostersfirst, which the better and more formally to despatch, he got up on an old mule which had servednine kings, and so mumbling with his mouth,doddling his head, would go see a coney caughtin a net. At his return he went into the kitchen,to know what roast - meat was on the spit; andsupped very well, upon my conscience, and commonly did invite some of his neighbours that weregood drinkers-with whom carousing, they toldstories of all sorts, from the old to the new. Aftersupper were brought in upon the place the fairwooden gospels -that is to say, many pairs oftables and cards-with little small banquets, intermixed with collations and reer- suppers. Then didhe sleep without unbridling, until eight o'clock inthe next morning.When Ponocrates knew Gargantua's vicious20 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.manner of living, he resolved to bring him up inanother kind; but for a while he bore with him,considering that nature does not endure suddenchanges without great violence. Therefore, tobegin his work the better, he requested a learnedphysician of that time, called Maitre Theodorus,seriously to perpend, if it were possible, how tobring Gargantua unto a better course. The saidphysician purged him canonically with Anticyranhellebore, by which medicine he cleansed all thealteration and perverse habitude of his brain. Bythis means also Ponocrates made him forget allthat he had learned under his ancient preceptors.To do this better, they brought him into the company of learned men who were there, in emulationof whom a great desire and affection came to him tostudy otherwise, and to improve his parts. Afterwards he put himself into such a train of study thathe lost not any hour in the day, but employed allhis time in learning and honest knowledge. Gargantua awaked, then, about four o'clock in the morning. Whilst they were rubbing him, there wasread unto him some chapter of the Holy Scripturealoud and clearly, with a pronunciation fit for thematter, and hereunto was appointed a young pageborn in Basché, named Anagnostes. Accordingto the purpose and argument of that lesson, heoftentimes gave himself to revere, adore, pray, andsend up his supplications to that good God whoseGARGANTUA. 21word did show His majesty and marvellous judgments. Then his master repeated what had beenread, expounding unto him the most obscure anddifficult points. They then considered the face ofthe sky, if it was such as they had observed it thenight before, and into what signs the sun was entering, as also the moon for that day. This done, hewas apparelled, combed, curled, trimmed, and perfumed, during which time they repeated to him thelessons of the day before. He himself said themby heart, and upon them grounded practical casesconcerning the estate of man, which he would prosecute sometimes two or three hours, but ordinarilythey ceased as soon as he was fully clothed. Thenfor three good hours there was reading. This done,they went forth, still conferring of the substanceof the reading, and disported themselves at ball,tennis, or the pile trigone, gallantly exercising theirbodies, as before they had done their minds. Alltheir play was but in liberty, for they left off whenthey pleased, and that was commonly when theydid sweat, or were otherwise weary. Then werethey very well dried and rubbed, shifted theirshirts, and walking soberly, went to see if dinnerwas ready. Whilst they stayed for that, they didclearly and eloquently recite some sentences thatthey had retained of the lecture. In the meantime Master Appetite came, and then very orderlysat they down at table. At the beginning of the22 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.meal there was read some pleasant history of ancient prowess, until he had taken his wine. Then,if they thought good, they continued reading, orbegan to discourse merrily together; speaking firstof the virtue, propriety, efficacy, and nature ofall that was served in at that table; of bread, ofwine, of water, of salt, of flesh, fish, fruits, herbs,roots, and of their dressing. By means whereof,he learned in a little time all the passages that onthese subjects are to be found in Pliny, Athenæus,Dioscorides, Julius Pollux, Galen, Porphyrius,Oppian, Polybius, Heliodorus, Aristotle, Elian,and others. Whilst they talked of these things,many times, to be the more certain, they causedthe very books to be brought to the table, and sowell and perfectly did he in his memory retain thethings above said, that in that time there was nota physician that knew half so much as he did .Afterwards they conferred of the lessons read inthe morning, and ending their repast with someconserve of quince, he washed his hands and eyes.with fair fresh water, and gave thanks unto God insome fine canticle, made in praise of the divinebounty and munificence. This done, they broughtin cards, not to play, but to learn a thousandpretty tricks and new inventions, which were allgrounded upon arithmetic. By this means he fellin love with that numerical science, and every dayafter dinner and supper he passed his time in it asGARGANTUA. 23pleasantly as he was wont to do at cards and dice:so that at last he understood so well both thetheory and practice thereof, that Tonstal theEnglishman, who had written very largely of thatpurpose, confessed that verily in comparison of himhe understood nothing but double Dutch; andnot only in that, but in the other mathematicalsciences, as geometry, astronomy, music. For whilewaiting for the digestion of his food, they madea thousand joyous instruments and geometricalfigures, and at the same time practised the astronomical canons.After this they recreated themselves with singingmusically, in four or five parts, or upon a set theme,as it best pleased them. In matter of musical instruments, he learned to play the lute, the spinet,the harp, the German flute, the flute with nineholes, the violin, and the sackbut. This hour thusspent, he betook himself to his principal study forthree hours together, or more, as well to repeat hismatutinal lectures as to proceed in the book wherein he was, as also to write handsomely, to draw andform the antique and Roman letters. This beingdone, they went out of their house, and with them.a young gentleman of Touraine, named Gymnast,who taught him the art of riding. Changing thenhis clothes, he mounted on any kind of horse, whichhe made to bound in the air, to jump the ditch, toleap the palisade, and to turn short in a ring both24 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.to the right and left hand. There he broke not hislance; for it is the greatest foolishness in the worldto say, I have broken ten lances at tilts or in fight.A carpenter can do even as much. But it is aglorious and praiseworthy action with one lance tobreak and overthrow ten enemies. Therefore witha sharp, strong, and stiff lance would he usuallyforce a door, pierce a harness, uproot a tree, carryaway the ring, lift up a saddle, with the mail- coatand gauntlet. All this he did in complete armsfrom head to foot. He was singularly skilful inleaping nimbly from one horse to another withoutputting foot to ground. He could likewise fromeither side, with a lance in his hand, leap on horseback without stirrups, and rule the horse at hispleasure without a bridle, for such things are usefulin military engagements. Another day he exercised the battle - axe, which he so dexterouslywielded that he was passed knight of arms in thefield and at all essays.Then tossed he the pike, played with the twohanded sword, with the back sword, with theSpanish tuck, the dagger, poniard, armed, unarmed, with a buckler, with a cloak, with a target.Then would he hunt the hart, the roebuck, thebear, the fallow- deer, the wild boar, the hare, thepheasant, the partridge, and the bustard. Heplayed at the great ball, and made it bound in theair, both with fist and foot. He wrestled, ran,GARGANTUA. 25jumped, not at three steps and a leap, nor at hopping, nor yet at the German jump; " for," saidGymnast, "these jumps are for the wars altogetherunprofitable, and of no use: " but at one leap hewould skip over a ditch, spring over a hedge,mount six paces upon a wall, climb after thisfashion up against a window, the height of alance. He did swim in deep waters on his face,on his back, sidewise, with all his body, with hisfeet only, with one hand in the air, wherein heheld a book, crossing thus the breadth of theriver Seine without wetting, and dragging alonghis cloak with his teeth, as did Julius Cæsar; thenwith the help of one hand he entered forcibly intoa boat, from whence he cast himself again headlong into the water, sounded the depths, hollowedthe rocks, and plunged into the pits and gulfs.Then turned he the boat about, governed it, led itswiftly or slowly with the stream and against thestream, stopped it in his course, guided it withone hand, and with the other laid hard about himwith a huge great oar, hoisted the sail, hied upalong the mast by the shrouds, ran upon thebulwarks, set the compass, tackled the bowlines,and steered the helm. Coming out of the water,he ran furiously up against a hill, and with thesame alacrity and swiftness ran down again. Heclimbed up trees like a cat, leaped from the one tothe other like a squirrel. He did pull down the26 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.great boughs and branches, like another Milo;then with two sharp well- steeled daggers, and twotried bodkins, would he run up by the wall to thevery top of a house like a rat; then suddenly comedown from the top to the bottom, with such aneven composition of members, that by the fall hewould catch no harm.He did cast the dart, throw the bar, put thestone, practise the javelin, the boar-spear or partisan, and the halbert. He broke the strongestbows in drawing, bended against his breast thegreatest cross-bows of steel, took his aim by theeye with the hand-gun, traversed the cannon; shotat the butts, at the papegay, before him, sidewise,and behind him, like the Parthians. They tied acable-rope to the top of a high tower, by one endwhereof hanging near the ground he wrought himself with his hands to the very top; then camedown again so sturdily and firmly that you couldnot on a plain meadow have run with more assurance. They set up a great pole fixed upon twotrees. There would he hang by his hands, andwith them alone, his feet touching at nothing;would go back and fore along the aforesaid ropewith so great swiftness, that hardly could oneovertake him with running.Then, to exercise his breast and lungs, he wouldshout like all the devils. I heard him once callEudemon from the Porte St Victor to Mont-GARGANTUA. 27martre. Stentor never had such a voice at thesiege of Troy.Then for the strengthening of his nerves, theymade him two great pigs of lead, each in weight8700 quintals. Those he took up from the ground,in each hand one, then lifted them up over hishead, and held them so without stirring threequarters of an hour or more, which was an inimitable force.He fought at barriers with the stoutest; andwhen it came to the cope, he stood so sturdilyon his feet, that he abandoned himself unto thestrongest, in case they could remove him fromhis place, as Milo was wont to do of old, — inimitation of whom he held a pomegranate in hishand, to give it unto him that could take it fromhim.-The time being thus bestowed, and himselfrubbed, cleansed, and refreshed with other clothes,they returned fair and softly; and passing throughcertain meadows, or other grassy places, beheldthe trees and plants, comparing them with whatis written of them in the books of the ancients,such as Theophrastus, Dioscorides, Marinus, Pliny,Nicander, Macer, and Galen, and carried home tothe house great handfuls of them, whereof a youngpage called Rhizotomos had charge-together withhoes, picks, spuds, pruning - knives, and other instruments requisite for herborising. Being come28 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.to their lodging, whilst supper was making ready,they repeated certain passages of that which hadbeen read, and then sat down at table. Here remark, that his dinner was sober and frugal, for hedid then eat only to prevent the gnawings of hisstomach; but his supper was copious and large, forhe took then as much as was fit to maintain andnourish him which indeed is the true diet prescribed by the art of good and sound physic, although a rabble of fond physicians counsel thecontrary. During that repast was continued thelesson read at dinner as long as they thoughtgood: the rest was spent in good discourse,learned and profitable. After that they hadgiven thanks, they set themselves to sing musically, and play upon harmonious instruments, or atthose pretty sports made with cards, dice, or cups,-thus made merry till it was time to go to bed;and sometimes they would go make visits untolearned men, or to such as had been travellers instrange countries. At full night they went untothe most open place of the house to see the faceof the sky, and there beheld the comets, if anywere, as likewise the figures, situations, aspects,oppositions, and conjunctions of the stars.Then with his master did he briefly recapitulate,after the manner of the Pythagoreans, that whichhe had read, seen, learned , done, and understoodin the whole course of that day.GARGANTUA. 29Then prayed they unto God the Creator, falling down before Him, and strengthening their faithtowards Him, and glorifying Him for His boundlessbounty; and, giving thanks unto Him for the timethat was past, they recommended themselves toHis divine clemency for the future. Which beingdone, they entered upon their repose.If it happened that the weather were rainy andinclement, the forenoon was employed accordingto custom, except that they had a good clear firelighted, to correct the distempers of the air. Butafter dinner, instead of their wonted exercitations,they did abide within, and, by way of Apotherapie,did recreate themselves in bottling hay, in cleaving and sawing wood, and in threshing sheavesof corn at the barn. Then they studied the artof painting or carving; or brought into use theantique game of knucklebones, as Leonicus hathwritten of it, and as our good friend Lascarisplayeth at it. While playing, they examined thepassages of ancient authors wherein the said playis mentioned, or any metaphor drawn from it.They went likewise to see the drawing of metals,or the casting of great ordnance: they went tosee the lapidaries, the goldsmiths and cuttersof precious stones, the alchemists, money - coiners, upholsterers, weavers, velvet - workers, watchmakers, looking- glass - makers, printers, organists,dyers, and other such kind of artificers, and, every-30 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.where giving them wine, did learn and considerthe industry and invention of the trades.They went also to hear the public lectures, thesolemn Acts, the repetitions, the declamations, thepleadings of the gentle lawyers, and sermons ofevangelical preachers.He went through the halls and places appointedfor fencing, and there played against the mastersat all weapons, and showed them by experiencethat he knew as much in it as, yea more than they.And instead of herborising, they visited the shopsof druggists, herbalists, and apothecaries, anddiligently considered the fruits, roots, leaves, gums,seeds, and strange unguents, as also how they didcompound them. He went to see jugglers, tumblers, mountebanks, and quacksalvers, and considered their cunning, their shifts, their summersaults, and smooth tongues, especially of those ofChauny in Picardy, who are naturally great praters,and brave gibers of fibs, in matter of green apes.At their return they did eat more soberly atsupper than at other times, and meats more desiccative and extenuating; to the end that the intemperate moisture of the air, communicated tothe body by a necessary confinity, might by thismeans be corrected, and that they might not receive any prejudice for want of their ordinary bodily exercise. Thus was Gargantua governed, andkept on in this course of education, from day toGARGANTUA. 31day profiting, as you may understand such a youngman of good sense, with such discipline so continued, may do. Which, although at the beginningit seemed difficult, became a little after so sweet,so easy, and so delightful, that it seemed ratherthe recreation of a king than the study of a scholar.Nevertheless Ponocrates, to divert him from thisvehement intention of spirit, thought fit, once in amonth, upon some fair and clear day, to go out ofthe city betimes in the morning, either towardsGentilly or Boulogne, or to Montrouge, or Charenton-bridge, or to Vanves, or St Cloud, and therespend all the day long in making the greatest cheerthat could be devised, sporting, making merry,drinking healths, playing, singing, dancing, tumbling in some fair meadow, unnestling of sparrows,taking of quails, and fishing for frogs and crayfish.But although that day was passed without books orlecture, yet was it not spent without profit; for inthe said meadows they repeated certain pleasantverses of Virgil's Agriculture, of Hesiod, and ofPolitian's Husbandry; would set abroach somewitty Latin epigrams, then immediately turnedthem into rondeaux and ballades in the Frenchlanguage. In their feasting they would sometimesseparate the water from the wine that was therewith mixed-as Cato teacheth, De re rustica, andPliny-with an ivy cup: would wash the wine in abasin full of water, then take it out again with a32 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.funnel: would make the water go from one glassto another, and would contrive little automaticengines-that is to say, machines moving of themselves.THE ROUT OF seuillé.[ The education of Gargantua was interrupted by thebreaking out of the war with King Picrochole, commencingin no more than the squabble between certain shepherdsand a party of cake- sellers of Lerné, who quarrelled andbroke each other's heads. The Lerné people complain totheir king Picrochole, who instantly, and without furtherdebate or consideration, commands the ban and arrière-banto be sounded through all the country, that all his vassals,of whatever condition, should come with what arms theyhave to the great Place before his castle. The army thushastily summoned is quickly collected, and immediatelysets out upon an invasion of Grandgousier's territory, allmarching in loose and undisciplined order, pillaging, cattlelifting, beating down the trees, and committing every kindof outrage. ]So much they did, and so far they went pillagingand stealing, that at last they came to Seuillé,where they robbed both men and women, andtook all they could catch: nothing was either toohot or too heavy for them. Although the plaguewas there in ' the most part of the houses, theynevertheless entered everywhere, and plunderedall that was within, and yet for all this not oneGARGANTUA. 33of them took any hurt -which is a most wonderful case. For the vicars, curates, preachers,physicians, chirurgeons, and apothecaries, who wentto visit, dress, cure, preach unto, and admonishthose that were sick, were all dead with the infection; and these devil of robbers and murdererscaught never any harm at all. Whence comes thisto pass, my masters? I beseech you, think uponit. The town being thus pillaged, they went untothe abbey with a horrible tumult, but they foundit shut and made fast against them. Whereuponthe body of the army marched forward towardsthe Ford of Véde, except seven companies of footand two hundred lancers, who, staying there, brokedown the walls of the close, in order to destroyall the vines within the place. The poor devilsof monks knew not to which of all their sanctsthey should vow themselves. Nevertheless, at alladventures they rang ad capitulum capitulantes.There it was decreed that they should make afair procession, stuffed with good preachers contrahostium insidias, and fair responses pro pace.There was then in the abbey a claustral monkcalled Friar John des Entommeures, young, gallant,frisk, lusty, nimble, bold, adventurous, resolute, tall,lean, wide- mouthed, long-nosed, a fair despatcherof"hours," a fair unbridler of masses, a fair runnerover vigils; and, to conclude summarily in a word,a true monk, if ever there was any, since the monkC34 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.ish world went monking in monkery: for the rest,a clerk to the teeth in matter of breviary. Thismonk, hearing the noise that the enemy made inthe close of the vineyard, went out to see whatthey were doing; and perceiving that they weregathering their grapes, wherein was founded alltheir next year's drink, returned unto the quire ofthe church where the other monks were, all amazedand astonished like so many bell - melters. Andwhen he heard them sing, " im, pe, e, e, e, e, tum, um,in, i, ni, i, mi, io, co, 0, 0, 0, 0, rum, um," he cried,"Well sung! By the Lord! why do not you sing' Panniers farewell, vintage is done '? The deviltake me if they be not already within the middleof our close, and have so well chopped both vinesand grapes that there will not be found for thesefour years to come so much as a gleaning in it!Ventre St Jacques! what shall we poor devilsdrink the while? Seigneur Dieu, da mihi potum."Then cried the claustral prior: " What should thisdrunken fellow do here? let him be carried to prison.Thus to trouble divine service! " " Nay," said themonk, "the wine service-let us act so, that it benot troubled; for you yourself, my lord prior, loveto drink of the best, and so doth every honestman. Never yet did a man of worth dislike goodwine that is a monastic proverb. But these responses that you chant here are not in season.Wherefore is it, that our devotions were institutedGARGANTUA. 35to be short in the time of harvest and vintage,and long in the advent and all the winter? Thelate friar, Macé Pelosse, of good memory, a trulyzealous man of our religion, told me, and I remember it well, how the reason was, that in thisseason we might press and make the wine, and inwinter whiff it up. Hark ye, my masters, youthat love the wine- Cordieu! -follow me; StAnthony burn me if those taste one drop of theliquor who will not fight for the vine. VentreDieu! the goods of the Church? Ha! no, no.What the devil, St Thomas of England was wellcontent to die for them! if I died in the samecause, should not I be a saint likewise? Nevertheless I shall not die there for them, for it is Iwho shall make others do that same."As he spake this, he threw off his great monk'shabit, and laid hold upon the staff of the cross,which was made of the heart of a sorb- apple- tree, aslong as a lance, round, of a full grip, and a littlepowdered with lilies called fleurs de lys, almost alldefaced and worn out. Thus went he out in a fairjacket, putting his frock scarfwise athwart his breast,and with his shaft of the cross, laid on lustily uponhis enemies, who, without order or ensign, trumpetor drum, were gathering the grapes of the vineyard. For the cornets and ensigns had laid downtheir standards by the wall-sides; the drummershad knocked out the heads of their drums at one36READINGSFROMRABELAIS.end, to fill them with grapes; the trumpeters wereloaded with bunches: every one of them was indisorder. He hurried, therefore, upon them sorudely, without crying gare, that he tumbled themover like pigs, striking athwart and alongst, afterthe old fashion of fencing. The brains of some hescattered, the legs and arms of others he broke;for some he disjointed the spondyles of the neck,for others he broke the reins, smashed the nose,pulled out the eyes, cleft the mandibules, thrustthe teeth down the throat, shook apart the omoplates, sphacelated the shins, caved in the ribs,broke the joints. If any offered to hide himselfamongst the thickest of the vines, he broke theridge of his back, and smashed his reins like a dog.If any thought by flight to escape, he made hishead to fly in pieces by the lambdoidal commissure.If any one did scramble up into a tree, thinkingthere to be safe, he impaled him with his staff.If any of his old acquaintance happened to cry out" Ha, Friar John! my friend, Friar John, I yieldmyself! " " So thou shalt," said he, " and mustwithal render and yield up thy soul to all thedevils," then suddenly gave him dronos. If anywas so rash and full of temerity as to resist him tohis face, then was it he did show the strength ofhis muscles, for he did transpierce him, by runninghim in at the breast, through the mediastine andthe heart. Believe me, that it was the most hor-GARGANTUA. 37rible spectacle that ever one saw. Some criedupon St Barbe; others on St George: some on StNitouche; others on our Lady of Cunault, on ourLady of Laurette, on our Lady of Bonnes Nouvelles, of La Lenou, of Rivière. Some vowed apilgrimage to St James, andothers to the holyhandkerchiefat Chambery; but three months afterwards that was burned so well in the fire that theycould not get one thread of it saved. Others toSt Cadouin, others to St John d'Angely, others toSt Eutropius of Xaintes, to St Mexme of Chinon,St Martin of Candes, St Clouaud of Sinays, theholy relics of Jourezay, with a thousand other goodlittle saints. Some died without speaking, othersspoke without dying; some died while they werespeaking, others spoke while they were dying.Others shouted as loud as they could, " Confession,confession, confiteor, miserere, in manus! " So greatwas the cry of the wounded, that the prior of theabbey with all his monks came forth, and whenthey saw these poor wretches so slain amongst thevines, and wounded to death, confessed some ofthem. But whilst the priests were amusing themselves in confessing, the little monkitos ran to theplace where Friar John was, and asked him, whereinhe would be pleased to require their assistance?To which he answered, that they should cut thethroats of those he had thrown down upon theground. Thereupon, leaving their outer habits38 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.upon a trellis, they began to throttle and makean end of those whom he had already crushed.Can you tell with what instruments they did it?With fair gullies, which are little demi - knives,wherewith the little boys in our country cut ripewalnuts in two. In the meantime Friar John, withhis baton of the cross, got to the breach which theenemies had made. Some of the monkitos carriedthe standards and colours into their cells and chambers to make garters of them. But when thosewho had been shriven would have gone out at thesaid breach, the monk felled them down withblows, saying, " These men have had confessionand are repentant, they have got their absolution:they go into Paradise as straight as any sickle. "Thus by his prowess and valour were discomfitedall those of the army that entered into the close ofthe abbey unto the number of thirteen thousand.six hundred twenty and two, besides the womenand little children, which is always to be understood. Never did Maugis the Hermit (of whom itis written in the Acts of the Four Sons of Aymon)bearhimself more valiantly with his bourdon againstthe Saracens, than did this monk against his enemies with the staff of the cross.GARGANTUA. 39THE DREAM OF PICROCHOLE.[The peace-loving King Grandgousier exhausts everymeans of preventing a conflict, but in vain. Having rejected the last overtures, King Picrochole holds a councilof war. ]The cakes being unloaded, there came beforePicrochole the Duke of Menuail, the Count Spadassin, and Captain Merdaille, who said unto him,"Sire, this day we make you the happiest, themost chivalrous prince that ever was since thedeath of Alexander of Macedonia." " Be covered ,be covered," said Picrochole. " We thank you,"said they; " we do but our duty. The manner isthus. You shall leave some captain here to havethe charge of this garrison, with a small party tokeep the place, which, besides its natural strength,is made stronger by the ramparts of your devising.Your army you will divide into two parts, as youknow very well how to do. One part thereof shallfall upon Grangousier and his forces. By it shallhe be easily at the very first shock routed, andthen shall you get money by heaps, for the clownhath store. Clown we call him, because a generous prince hath never a penny.To hoard uptreasure is a clown's trick. The other part of thearmy in the meantime shall draw towards Onys,Saintonge, Angoumois, and Gascony; then to40 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Perigord, Medoc, and the Landes. Without resistance they will take towns, castles, and forts.At Bayonne, St Jean de Luz, Fontarabia, youwill seize upon the ships, and coasting alongGallicia and Portugal, will pillage all the maritime places, even unto Lisbon, where you will besupplied with all necessaries befitting a conqueror.Par la Corbieu! Spain will yield, for they are buta race of lubbers. Then are you to pass by theStraits of Gibraltar, where you will erect twopillars more stately than those of Hercules, tothe perpetual memory of your name, and it shallbe called the Picrocholinal Sea. Having passedthe Picrocholinal Sea, behold, Barbarossa yieldshimself your slave."" I will, " said Picrochole, "give him fair quarter.""Yea," said they, " so that he be content to bechristened. Then you will conquer the kingdomsof Tunis, of Hippo, Algiers, Bona, Corona, yea,all Barbary. Furthermore, you shall take intoyour hands Majorca, Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica,with the other islands of the Ligustic and Balearicseas. Going along on the left hand, you shall ruleall Gallia Narbonensis, Provence, the Allobroges,Genoa, Florence, Lucca, and then good-bye Rome.Poor Monsieur the Pope already dies for fear.""By my faith," said Picrochole, " I will not kisshis slipper! "Italy being thus taken, behold Naples, Calabria,GARGANTUA. 4IApulia, and Sicily all ransacked, and Malta too .I should like to see the pleasant Knights heretofore of Rhodes trying to resist you! " I would," saidPicrochole, “ very willingly go to Loretto." " No,no, " said they, "that shall be at our return. Thencewe will sail eastwards, and take Candia, Cyprus,Rhodes, and the Cyclades, and set upon the Morea.It is ours, by St Trenian! The Lord preserve Jerusalem! for the great Soldan is not comparableto you in power. " " I will then," said he, "causeSolomon's Temple to be built. " " No," said they,"not yet; have a little patience, stay a while-benever too sudden in your enterprises. Do youknow what Octavian Augustus said? Festina lentè.It is requisite that you first have the Lesser Asia,Caria, Lycia, Pamphylia, Cilicia, Lydia, Phrygia,Mysia, Bithynia, Carazia, Satalia, Samagaria,Castamena, Luga, Savasta, even unto Euphrates. ""Shall we see," said Picrochole, " Babylon andMount Sinai? " "There is no need, " said they, "atthis time. Has there not been enough toil in having passed over the Hircanian Sea, ridden acrossthe two Armenias, and the three Arabias? " " Bymy faith," said he, " we are undone! Ha, poorsouls! " " What's the matter? " said they. " Whatshall we have," said he, " to drink in these deserts?for Julian Augustus with his whole host died therefor thirst, as they say." " We have already," saidthey, "given order for that. In the Syrian Sea42 READINGSFROM RABELAIS.you have nine thousand and fourteen great shipsladen with the best wines in the world. Theyarrived at the port of Jaffa. There are found twoand-twenty thousand camels, and sixteen hundredelephants, which you shall have taken at one hunting about Sigelmes, when you entered into Lybia;and besides this, you had all the Mecca caravan.Did not they furnish you sufficiently with wine? ""Yes; but," said he, " we did not drink it fresh. ""By the virtue, " said they, " not of a fish, a valiantman, a conqueror, who pretends and aspires tothe monarchy of the world, cannot always havehis ease. God be thanked that you and yourmen are come safe and sound unto the banks ofthe river Tigris! " " But," said he, " what doth thatpart of our army in the meantime, which overthrows that unworthy swill- pot Grangousier? "" They are not idle," said they; " we shall meetwith them by- and-by. They shall have won youBrittany, Normandy, Flanders, Hainault, Brabant, Artois, Holland, Zealand; they have passedthe Rhine over the bellies of the Switzers andLansquenets, and a part of them hath conqueredLuxemburg, Lorraine, Champagne, and Savoy,even to Lyons, in which place they have metwith your forces returning from the naval conquest of the Mediterranean Sea; and have ralliedagain in Bohemia, after they had plundered andsacked Suabia, Wirtemberg, Bavaria, Austria,GARGANTUA. 43Moravia, and Styria. Then they set fiercely together upon Lubeck, Norway, Sweden, Rugen,Denmark, Gothia, Greenland, the Easterlings, evenunto the Frozen Sea. This done, they conqueredthe Isles of Orkney, and subdued Scotland , England, and Ireland. From thence sailing throughthe sandy sea, and by the Sarmatians, they havevanquished and overcome Prussia, Poland, Lithuania, Russia, Wallachia, Transylvania, Hungary,Bulgaria, Turquey, and are now at Constantinople." " Come, " said Picrochole, " let us go joinwith them quickly, for I will be Emperor of Trebizonde also. Shall we not kill all these dogs,Turks and Mahometans? " "What a devil shouldwe do else? " said they. "And you shall givetheir goods and lands to such as shall have servedyou honestly." "Reason," said he, " will have itso that is but just. I give unto you Caramania,Syria, and all Palestine. " " Ha, sire! " said they,"it is out of your goodness; we thank you. Godgrant you may always prosper! "There was there present at that time an oldgentleman well experienced in wars, and who hadbeen in many hazards, named Echephron, who,hearing this discourse, said, “ I do greatly doubtthat all this enterprise will be like the tale of thepitcher full of milk, wherewith a shoemaker made.himself rich in conceit; but when the pitcher wasbroken, he had not whereupon to dine. What44 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.do you pretend by these large conquests? Whatshall be the end of so many labours and crosses? ""Thus it shall be," said Picrochole, " that when weare returned, we shall sit down, rest, and be merry."" But," said Echephron, "if by chance you shouldnever come back-for the voyage is long and dangerous-were it not better for us to take our restnow, without exposing ourselves to dangers? "" Par Dieu! " said Spadassin, " here is a good dotard; come, go hide ourselves in the corner ofa chimney, and there let us spend the whole timeof our life amongst ladies, threading of pearls, orspinning, like Sardanapalus. 'Who nothing ventures, hath neither horse nor mule,' says Solomon. " "Who ventures too much," said Echephron, " loseth both horse and mule, as answeredMalchon. " "Enough," said Picrochole; "go forward. I fear nothing but these devilish legionsof Grangousier: whilst we are in Mesopotamia,should they come up on our rear, what courseshould we take? " " A very good one," said Merdaille: "a pretty little commission, which you mustsend unto the Muscovites, shall bring you into thefield in an instant four hundred and fifty thousandchoice men of war. I fret, I charge, I strike, Itake, I kill, I swear. " " On, on," said Picrochole:" make haste, my lads; let him that loves mefollow me."GARGANTUA. 45FRIAR JOHN AT SUPPER.[ Meantime Gargantua, a giant again, is speeding on hisgreat mare to his father's help. He tears up a whole treefor lance and club, receives cannon-balls as if they weregrape-kernels, and entirely destroys the castle at the Fordof Véde, and stops up the river with dead bodies of theenemy. Then he arrives at his father's castle, where theyhave a grand feast, the menu of which is preserved for usby the author. An accident, which might have been attended with serious consequences, befell six pilgrims whowere unfortunately hiding in the salad, and would havebeen swallowed by Gargantua, but that they stuck in histeeth. How they escaped, what further misfortunes overtook those pilgrims, and howthey consoled themselves, maybe sought in the original text. ]When Gargantua was set down at table, afterall of them had somewhat stayed their stomachs,Grangousier began to relate the source and causeof the war raised between him and Picrochole;and came to tell how Friar John des Entommeureshad triumphed at the defence of the abbey close,and extolled him for his valour above Camillus,Scipio, Pompey, Cæsar, and Themistocles. ThenGargantua desired that he might be presently sentfor, to the end that with him they might consultof what was to be done. Whereupon, by hiscommand, his maître d'hôtel went for him, andto God, but mocking of God. The Lord help them.if they pray for us, and not through fear of losing46READINGSFROMRABELAIS.their good fat pottage. All true Christians, of allconditions, in all places, and at all times, send uptheir prayers to God, and the Spirit prayeth andintercedeth for them, and God is gracious to them .Now such a one is our good Friar John, thereforeevery man desireth to have him in his company.He is no bigot, he is not in rags, but honest, jovial,resolute, and a good fellow. He travels, he labours,he defends the oppressed, comforts the afflicted, hehelps the suffering, he guards the abbey close."I do," said the monk, " more than this; for whileworking off matins and anniversaries by heart, Itwist strings for an arbalest, or I polish up the stockand the bolt. I make nets and traps to catchconeys. Never am I idle. But, ho, there-drink! "Supper being ended, they consulted of thebusiness in hand; and it was concluded that aboutmidnight they should fall unawares upon theenemy, to know what manner of watch and wardthey kept, and that in the meanwhile they shouldtake a little rest, the better to refresh themselves.But Gargantua could not sleep by any means,on which side soever he turned himself. Whereupon the monk said to him, " I never sleep soundlybut when I am at sermon or prayers. Let ustherefore begin, you and I, the seven penitentialpsalms, to try whether you shall not quickly fallasleep." The conceit pleased Gargantua very well ,and beginning the first of these psalms, as soon asGARGANTUA. 47they came to the words, Beati quorum, they fellasleep both the one and the other. But the monkbeing accustomed to the hour of claustral matins,failed not to awake a little before midnight. Beingup himself, he awaked all the rest, in singing aloud,and with a full clear voice, the song-"Ho! Regnault, resveille toy!Veille, O Regnault, resveille toy! "When they were all roused and up, he said:"My masters, they say that we begin matins withcoughing, and supper with drinking. Let us now,in doing clean contrarily, begin our matins withdrinking, and at night before supper we shallcough as hard as we can.""What! " said Gargantua, "to drink so soonafter sleep? This is not to live according to thediet and prescript rule of the physicians. ""Oh, well physicked, " said the monk; "a hundreddevils leap into my body, if there be not more olddrunkards than old physicians! I have made thispaction and covenant with my appetite, that italways lieth down and goes to bed with myself,for to that I every day give very good order; thenthe next morning it also riseth with me, and getsup when I am awake. Mind your cures as youwill. I will get me to my breviary, for bytaking this merry little breviary in the morning,I scour all my lungs, and am presently ready todrink."48READINGSFROMRABELAIS."After what manner," said Gargantua, " do yousay these fair hours and prayers ofyours?""After the manner of Fecan," said the monk;"by three psalms and three lessons, or nothingat all, he that will. I never tie myself to hours;they are made for man, and not man for hours.Therefore is it that I make my prayers in fashionof stirrup-leathers; I shorten or lengthen themwhen I think good. Brevis oratio penetrat cæloset longa potatio evacuat scyphos. Where is thatwritten? ""By my faith," saith Ponocrates, " I cannot tell ,my pillico*ck; but thou are more worth than gold. "" Therein," said the monk, " I am like you: but,venite, apotemus."Then made they ready store of carbonadoesand good fat soups; and the monk drank what hepleased. Some kept him company, and the restdid forbear. Afterwards every man began to armand befit himself for the field. And they armedthe monk against his will; for he desired no otherarmour before his breast but his frock, nor anyother weapon in his hand but the staff of the cross.Yet at their pleasure was he completely armedcap-a-pie, and mounted upon a good Naples charger with a good sword by his side; and with himwere Gargantua, Ponocrates, Gymnast, Eudemon,and five-and- twenty of the most adventurous ofGrangousier's house, all armed at proof with theirGARGANTUA. 49lances in their hands, mounted like St George,and every one of them having a harquebusier behind him.AFTER THE BATTLE.[ Picrochole, so far from realising his great dream ofuniversal conquest, is routed with great slaughter by thevaliant Gargantua and his companions. ]Picrochole, thus in despair, fled towards Bouchardl'Isle, and on the road to Rivière his horse stumbled and fell, whereat he was so incensed that hewith his sword without more ado killed him in hischoler; then, not finding any that would remount him, he was about to have taken an assat the mill that was there by, but the miller's menbasted his bones, stripped him of all his clothes,and gave him a stable jacket. Thus went thispoor choleric wretch, who, passing the water atPort-Huaux, and relating his misadventurous disasters, was foretold by an old hag that his kingdomshould be restored to him at the coming of theCocquecigrues. What is become of him since wecannot certainly tell, yet was I told that he is nowa porter at Lyons, as choleric as before. Andalways he inquires of all strangers of the comingof the Cocquecigrues, expecting assuredly, according to the old woman's prophecy, that at theirD50 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.coming he shall be re-established in his kingdom.After their retreat Gargantua called the musterroll of his men, which when he had done, he foundthat there were very few either killed or wounded,only some few foot of Captain Tolmere's company,and Ponocrates, who was shot with a musket-ballthrough the doublet. Then he caused them allto take refreshment, and gave order to the treasurers to pay for and defray that repast, and thatthere should be no outrage at all, nor abuse committed in the town, seeing it was his own. Andfurthermore commanded, that immediately afterthe repast the soldiers should appear before thecastle, there to receive six months' pay. All whichwas done. After this, by his direction, werebrought before him in the said place all those thatremained of Picrochole's party, unto whom, in thepresence of the princes, nobles, and officers of hiscourt and army, he spoke as followeth:-"Our forefathers and ancestors of all times havebeen ofthis nature and disposition, that, upon thewinning of a battle, they have chosen rather, for asign and memorial of their triumphs and victories,to erect trophies and monuments in the hearts ofthe vanquished by clemency, than by architecturein the lands which they had conquered. For theydid hold in greater estimation the lively remembrance of men, purchased by liberality, than thedumb inscription of arches, pillars, and pyramids,GARGANTUA. 51subject to the injury of storms and tempests, andto the envy of every one. You may very wellremember the courtesy which by them was usedtowards the Bretons on the day of St Aubin ofCormier, and at the demolishing of Partenay.You have heard, and hearing admire, their gentlecomportment towards those at the barbarians ofSpain, who had plundered, wasted, and ransackedthe maritime borders of Olone and Thalmondois.All the heavens were filled with the praises andcongratulations which yourselves and your fathersmade, when Alpharbal, King of Canarre, not satisfied with his own fortunes, did most furiouslyinvade the land of Onys, and with cruel piraciesmolest all the Armorick Islands and neighbouringregions. Yet was he in a set fight overthrown bymyfather, whom God preserve and protect. Butwhat? Whereas other kings and emperors, yea,those who entitle themselves Catholics, would havedealt roughly with him, kept him a close prisoner,and put him to high ransom, he entreated himcourteously, lodged him kindly with himself in hisown palace, and out of his incredible gentle disposition sent him back with a safe- conduct, ladenwith gifts, laden with favours, laden with all officesof friendship. What fell out upon it? Beingreturned into his country, he called a parliament,where all the princes and states of his kingdombeing assembled, he showed them the humanity52 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.which he had found in us, and therefore wishedthem to take such course by way of compensationtherein, as that the whole world might be edifiedby the example, as well of their honest graciousness to us as of our gracious honesty towardsthem. The result hereof was, that it was votedand decreed by a unanimous consent, that theyshould offer up entirely their lands, dominions,and kingdoms, to be disposed of by us accordingto our pleasure.Alpharbal in his own person presently returnedwith nine thousand and thirty- eight great ships ofburden, bringing with him the treasures not onlyof his house and royal lineage, but almost of allthe country besides. For when he embarked toset sail with a west-north-east wind, every one inheaps did cast into the ship gold, silver, rings,jewels, spices, drugs, aromatic perfumes, parrots,pelicans, monkeys, civet- cats, and porcupines. Hewas accounted no good mother's son that did notcast in all the rare and precious things he had."Being safely arrived, he would have kissed myfeet. That action was found unworthy, and therefore was not permitted, but in exchange he wasmost cordially embraced. He offered his presents;they were not received, because they were tooexcessive: he yielded himself voluntarily a servantand vassal, and was content his whole posterityshould be liable to the same bondage; this wasGARGANTUA. 53not accepted of, because it seemed not equitable:he surrendered, by virtue of the decree of hisstates, his whole countries and kingdoms to him,offering the deed and conveyance, signed, sealed ,and ratified by those that were concerned in it;this was altogether refused, and the parchmentscast into the fire. In the end, this free goodwilland simple meaning of the Canarrines wroughtsuch tenderness in my father's heart that he couldnot abstain from shedding tears, and wept mostprofusely; then, by choice words and becomingsentences, strove in what he could to diminishthe estimation of the good offices which he haddone them, saying that any courtesy he had conferred upon them was not worth a rush, and whatfavour soever he had showed them, he was boundto do it. But so much the more did Alpharbalaugment the repute thereof. What was the issue?Whereas for his ransom, in the greatest extremityof rigour and most tyrannical dealing, could nothave been exacted above twenty times a hundredthousand crowns, and his eldest sons detained ashostages till that sum had been paid, they madethemselves perpetual tributaries, and obliged togive us every year two millions of gold at four-andtwenty carats fine. The first year we received thewhole sum of two millions; the second year, oftheir own accord they paid freely to us three-andtwenty hundred thousand crowns; the third year,54 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.six - and - twenty hundred thousand; the fourthyear, three millions, and do so increase it alwaysout of their own goodwill, that we shall be constrained to forbid them to bring us any more.This is the nature of gratitude and true thankfulFor time, which gnaws and diminishes allthings else, augments and increases benefits; because a noble action of liberality, done to a man ofreason, doth grow continually, by his generousthinking of it and remembering it.ness."Being unwilling, therefore, any way to degenerate from the hereditary mildness and clemency ofmy parents, I do now forgive you, deliver you, andset you at liberty. Moreover, at your going out ofthe gate, you shall have every one of you threemonths' pay to bring you home into your housesand families, and shall have a safe convoy of sixhundred cuirassiers and eight thousand foot underthe conduct of Alexander, my equerry, that thepeasants may not do you any injury. God bewith you! I am sorry from my heart that Picrochole is not here; for I would have given him tounderstand that this war was undertaken againstmy will, and without any hope to increase eithermy goods or renown. But seeing he is lost, andthat no man can tell where, nor how he went away,it is my will that this kingdom remain entire to hisson; who, because he is too young-he not beingyet full five years old-shall be brought up andGARGANTUA. 55instructed by the ancient princes and learned menof the kingdom. And because a realm thus desolate may easily come to ruin, if the covetousnessand avarice of those who administrate it be notcurbed and restrained, I ordain that Ponocratesbe viceroy over all these governors, with whateverpower and authority is requisite thereto, and thathe be continually with the child, until he find himable and capable to rule and govern by himself."Now I must tell you, that you are to understandhow a too feeble and dissolute facility in pardoning evil-doers giveth them occasion to commitwickedness afterwards more readily, upon thispernicious confidence of receiving favour. I consider how Moses, the meekest man that was inhis time upon the earth, did severely punish themutinous and seditious people of Israel. I consider likewise how Julius Cæsar-who was sogracious an emperor that Cicero said of him thathis fortune had nothing more excellent than thathe could, and his virtue nothing better than thathe would, always save and pardon every man, ―he,notwithstanding all this, did in certain places mostrigorously punish the authors of rebellion. Afterthe example of these good men, it is my will andpleasure that you deliver over unto me, before youdepart hence, first, the fellow Marquet, who wasthe prime cause and origin of this war, by his vainpresumption; secondly, his fellow cake-bakers,56 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.who were negligent in checking his folly on thespot; and lastly, all the counsellors, captains, officers, and domestics of Picrochole, who have incited.him, flattered him, and counselled him to comeout of his limits thus to trouble us."When Gargantua had finished his speech, theseditious men whom he required were deliveredup unto him, except three captains, who ran awaysix hours before the battle, and two of the cakebakers who were slain in the fight. Gargantuadid them no other hurt, but that he appointedthem to pull the presses of his printing-house,which he had newly set up. Then those whodied there he caused to be honourably buried inthe valley of Noirettes and the field of Bruslevieille, and gave order that the wounded shouldbe dressed and had care of in his great hospital.After this, considering the great prejudice doneto the town and its inhabitants, he reimbursedthem for all the losses stated by confession andupon oath; and for their better defence andsecurity in times coming against all sudden uproars and invasions, commanded a strong citadelto be built there, with a competent garrison tomaintain it. At his departure he did very graciously thank all the soldiers of the brigades thathad been at this overthrow, and sent them backto their winter quarters in their several stations .and garrisons; some of the decumane legion onlyGARGANTUA. 57excepted, whom in the field on that day he sawdo some great exploit, and their captains also, whomhe brought along with himself unto Grangousier.At the sight and coming of them, the good manwas so joyful that it is not possible fully to describe it. He made them a feast the most magnificent, plentiful, and delicious that ever was seensince the time of the King Ahasuerus. At thetaking up of the table he distributed amongstthem his whole cupboard of plate, which weighedeighteen hundred thousand and fourteen besantsof gold, in great antique vessels, great pots, greatbasins, great cups, goblets, candlesticks, baskets,and other such plate, all of pure massy gold, besides the precious stones, enamelling, and workmanship, which by all men's estimation was moreworth than the matter of the gold. Then untoevery one of them out of his coffers caused he tobe given the sum of twelve hundred thousandcrowns ready money. And further, he gave toeach of them for ever and in perpetuity, unlessthey should die without heirs, such castles andneighbouring lands of his as were most commodious for them. To Ponocrates he gave La RocheClermauld; to Gymnast, Coudray; to Eudemon,Montpensier; Rivau, toTolmere; to Ithybole, Montsoreau; to Acamas, Cande; Varenes, to Chironacte;Gravot, to Sebaste; Quinquenais, to Alexander;Ligré, to Sophrone, —and so of his other places.58READINGSFROMRABELAIS.THE ABBEY OF THELEMA.There was left only the monk to provide for,whom Gargantua would have made Abbot ofSeuillé, but he refused it. He would have givenhim the Abbey of Bourgueil, or of Sanct Florent,which was better, or both, if it pleased him; butthe monk gave him a very peremptory answer,that he would never take upon him the chargenor government of monks. " For how shall I beable," said he, "to rule over others, that have notfull power and command of myself? If you thinkI have done you, or may hereafter do you, anyacceptable service, give me leave to found anabbey after my own mind and fancy." The motion pleased Gargantua very well, who thereuponoffered him all the country of Thelema by theriver Loire, till within two leagues of the greatforest of Port- Huaut. The monk then requestedGargantua to institute his religious order contraryto all others. "First, then, " said Gargantua, " youmust not build a wall about your convent, for allother abbeys are strongly walled and mured about.Moreover, seeing there are certain convents in theworld, whereof the custom is, if any women comein-I mean honourable and honest women-theyimmediately sweep the ground which they havetrod upon; therefore was it ordained, that if anyGARGANTUA. 59man or woman, entered into religious orders,should by chance come within this new abbey,all the rooms should be thoroughly washed andcleansed through which they had passed. Andbecause in other monasteries all is compassed,limited, and regulated by hours, it was decreedthat in this new structure there should be neitherclock nor dial, but that according to the opportunities, and incident occasions, all their worksshould be disposed of; for," said Gargantua, " thegreatest loss of time that I know is to countthe hours. What good comes of it? Nor canthere be any greater folly in the world than forone to guide and direct his courses by the soundof a bell, and not by his own judgment anddiscretion."Item, Because at that time they put no womeninto nunneries but such as were either one- eyed,lame, humpbacked, ill - favoured, misshapen, foolish, senseless, spoiled, or corrupt; nor encloisteredany men but those that were either sickly, illbred, clownish, and the trouble of the house."Apropos," said the monk, -"a woman that isneither fair nor good, to what use serves she?"To make a nun of," said Gargantua. " Yea,"said the monk, " and to make shirts. " " Therefore," Gargantua said, " was it ordained, that intothis religious order should be admitted no women.that were not fair, well-featured, and of a sweet60 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.disposition; nor men that were not comely, personable, and also of a sweet disposition."Item, Because in the convents of women mencome not but underhand, privily, and by stealth;it was therefore enacted that in this house thereshall be no women in case there be not men, normen in case there be not women."Item, Because both men and women that arereceived into religious orders after the year of theirnovitiate were constrained and forced perpetuallyto stay there all the days of their life; it wasordered that all whatever, men or women, admitted within this abbey, should have full leaveto depart with peace and contentment, whensoever it should seem good to them so to do."Item, For that the religious men and womendid ordinarily make three vows-to wit, those ofchastity, poverty, and obedience; it was thereforeconstituted and appointed that in this conventthey might be honourably married, that theymight be rich, and live at liberty. In regard tothe legitimate age, the women were to be admitted from ten till fifteen, and the men fromtwelve till eighteen. "For the fabric and furniture of the abbey, Gargantua caused to be delivered out in ready moneytwenty-seven hundred thousand, eight hundred andone-and-thirty of those long- woolled rams; and forevery year until the whole work was completedGARGANTUA. 61he allotted threescore nine thousand gold crowns,and as many of the seven stars, to be chargedall upon the receipt of the river Dive. For thefoundation and maintenance thereof he settled inperpetuity three- and- twenty hundred, threescoreand nine thousand, five hundred and fourteen rosenobles, taxes exempted from all in landed rents,and payable every year at the gate of the abbey;and for this gave them fair letters patent.The building was hexagonal, and in such afashion that in every one of the six corners therewas built a great round tower, sixty paces indiameter, and were all of a like form and bigness.Upon the north side ran the river Loire, on thebank whereof was situated the tower called Arctic.Going towards the east there was another calledCalaer, the next following Anatole, the next Mesembrine, the next Hesperia, and the last Criere.Between each tower was the space of three hundred and twelve paces. The whole edifice wasbuilt in six storeys, reckoning the cellars underground for one. The second was vaulted after thefashion of a basket-handle, the rest were coatedwith Flanders plaster, in the form of a lamp foot.It was roofed with fine slates of lead, carryingfigures of baskets and animals; the ridge gilt, together with the gutters, which issued without thewall between the windows, painted diagonally ingold and blue down to the ground, where they62 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.ended in great canals, which carried away thewater below the house into the river.This same building was a hundred times moresumptuous and magnificent than ever was Bonivet;for there were in it nine thousand three hundredand two-and-thirty chambers, every one whereofhad a withdrawing- room, a closet, a wardrobe, achapel, and a passage into a great hall. Betweenevery tower, in the midst of the said body of building, there was a winding stair, whereof the stepswere part of porphyry, which is a dark-red marblespotted with white, part of Numidian stone, andpart of serpentine marble, each of those steps beingtwo- and-twenty feet in length and three fingersthick, and the just number of twelve betwixt everylanding- place. On every landing were two fairantique arcades where the light came in: and bythose they went into a cabinet, made even with,and of the breadth of the said winding, and theymounted above the roof and ended in a pavilion.By this winding they entered on every side intoa great hall, and from the halls into the chambers.From the Arctic tower unto the Criere were fairgreat libraries in Greek, Latin, Hebrew, French,Italian, and Spanish, respectively distributed ondifferent storeys, according to their languages. Inthe midst there was a wonderful winding stair, theentry whereof was without the house, in an arch,six fathoms broad. It was made in such symme-GARGANTUA. 63try and largeness that six men-at-arms, lance onthigh, might ride abreast all up to the very top ofall the palace. From the tower Anatole to theMesembrine were fair great galleries, all paintedwith the ancient prowess, histories and descriptionsof the world. In the midst thereof there was likewise such another ascent and gate as we said therewas on the river- side.In the middle of the lower court there was astately fountain of fair alabaster. Upon the topthereof stood the three Graces, with horns of abundance, and did jet out the water at their breasts,mouth, ears, and eyes. The inside of the buildingsin this lower court stood upon great pillars ofCassydonian stone, and porphyry in fair ancientarches. Within these were spacious galleries, longand large, adorned with curious pictures-the hornsof bucks and unicorns; ofthe rhinoceros and the hippopotamus; the teeth and tusks of elephants, andother things well worth the beholding. The lodging of the ladies took up all from the tower Arctic*nto the gate Mesembrine. The men possessedthe rest. Before the said lodging of the ladies,that they might have their recreation, between thetwo first towers, on the outside, were placed thetilt - yard, the hippodrome, the theatre, the swimming - bath, with most admirable baths in threestages, well furnished with all necessary accommodation, and store of myrtle - water. By the64 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.river-side was the fair garden of pleasure, and inthe midst of that a fair labyrinth. Between thetwo other towers were the tennis and fives courts.Towards the tower Criere stood the orchard fullof all fruit- trees, set and ranged in a quincunx.At the end of that was the great park, aboundingwith all sort of game. Betwixt the third coupleof towers were the butts for arquebus, crossbow, and arbalist. The stables were beyond theoffices, and before them stood the falconry, managed by falconers very expert in the art, and itwas yearly supplied by the Candians, Venetians,Sarmatians, with all sorts of excellent birds, eagles,gerfalcons, goshawks, falcons, sparrow-hawks, merlins, and other kinds of them, so gentle and perfectly well trained that, flying from the castle fortheir own disport, they would not fail to catchwhatever they encountered. The venery was alittle further off, drawing towards the park.All the halls, chambers, and cabinets were hungwith tapestry of divers sorts, according to the seasons of the year. All the pavements were coveredwith green cloth. The beds were embroidered.In every back chamber there was a looking-glassof pure crystal, set in a frame of fine gold garnished with pearls, and of such greatness that itwould represent to the full the whole person. Atthe going out of the halls belonging to the ladies'lodgings were the perfumers and hairdressers,GARGANTUA. 65through whose hands the gallants passed whenthey were to visit the ladies.These did everymorning furnish the ladies' chambers with rosewater, musk, and angelica; and to each of themgave a little smelling-bottle breathing the choicestaromatical scents.The ladies on the foundation of this order wereapparelled after their own pleasure and liking.But since, of their own free- will , they were reformed in manner as followeth: They wore stockings of scarlet which reached just three inchesabove the knee, having the border beautified withembroideries and trimming. Their garters wereof the colour of their bracelets, and circled theknee both over and under. Their shoes and slippers were either of red, violet, or crimson velvet,cut à barbe d'écrévisse.Next to their smock they put on a fair corset ofpure silk camblet: above that went the petticoatof white, red, tawny, or grey taffety. Above thiswas the cotte in cloth of silver, with needleworkeither (according to the temperature and disposition of the weather) of satin, damask, velvet, orange,tawny, green, ash- coloured, blue, yellow, crimson,cloth of gold, cloth of silver, or some other choicestuff, according to the day.Their gowns, correspondent to the season, wereeither of cloth of gold with silver edging; of redsatin, covered with gold purl; of taffety, white,E66 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.blue, black, or tawny, of silk serge, silk camblet,velvet, cloth of silver, silver tissue, cloth of gold,velvet, or figured satin, with golden threads.In the summer, some days, instead of gowns,they wore fair mantles of the above- named stuff,or capes of violet velvet with edging of gold, orwith knotted cord- work of gold embroidery, garnished with little Indian pearls. They alwayscarried a fair plume of feathers, of the colour oftheir muff, bravely adorned with spangles of gold.In the winter time they had their taffety gownsof all colours, as above - named, and those linedwith the rich furrings of wolves, weasels, Calabrianmartlet, sables, and other costly furs. Their beads,rings, bracelets, and collars were of precious stones,such as carbuncles, rubies, diamonds, sapphires,emeralds, turquoises, garnets, agates, beryls, andpearls. Their head- dressing varied with the season of the year. In winter it was of the Frenchfashion; in the spring of the Spanish; in summerof the fashion of Tuscany, except only upon theholy days and Sundays, at which times they wereaccoutred in the French mode, because they accounted it more honourable, and better befits themodesty of a matron.The men were apparelled after their fashion.Their stockings were of worsted or of serge, of white,black, or scarlet. Their breeches were of velvet, ofthe same colour with their stockings, or very near,GARGANTUA. 67manner.embroidered and cut according to their fancy.Their doublet was of cloth of gold, cloth of silver,velvet, satin, damask, or taffety, of the same colours,cut, embroidered, and trimmed up in the sameThe points were of silk of the samecolours, the tags were of gold enamelled. Theircoats and jerkins were of cloth of gold, cloth ofsilver, gold, tissue, or velvet embroidered, as theythought fit. Their gowns were every whit as costlyas those of the ladies. Their girdles were of silk, ofthe colour of their doublets. Every one had a gallant sword by his side, the hilt and handle whereofwere gilt, and the scabbard of velvet, of the colourof his breeches, the end in gold, and goldsmith'swork. The dagger of the same. Their caps wereof black velvet, adorned with jewels and buttonsof gold. Upon that they wore a white plume,most prettily and minion-like parted by so manyrows of gold spangles, at the end whereof hungdangling fair rubies, emeralds, &c.But so great was the sympathy between thegallants and the ladies, that every day they wereapparelled in the same livery. And that they mightnot miss, there were certain gentlemen appointedto tell the youths every morning what colours theladies would on that day wear; for all was doneaccording to the pleasure of the ladies. In theseso handsome clothes, and habiliments so rich, thinknot that either one or other of either sex did waste68 READINGS FROM RABELAIS..any time at all; for the masters of the wardrobeshad all their raiments and apparel so ready forevery morning, and the chamber ladies were sowell skilled, that in a trice they would be dressed,and completely in their clothes from head to foot.And, to have those accoutrements with the moreconveniency, there was about the wood of Thelemaa row of houses half a league long, very neat andcleanly, wherein dwelt the goldsmiths, lapidaries,embroiderers, tailors, gold - drawers, velvet-weavers,tapestry- makers, and upholsterers, who wroughtthere every one in his own trade, and all for theaforesaid friars and nuns. They were furnishedwith matter and stuff from the hands of LordNausiclete, who every year brought them sevenships from the Perlas and Cannibal Islands, ladenwith ingots of gold, with raw silk, with pearls andprecious stones. And if any pearls began to growold, and lose somewhat of their natural whitenessand lustre, those by their art they did renew, bytendering them to co*cks to be eaten, as they useto give casting unto hawks.All their life was spent not in laws, statutes, orrules, but according to their own free-will andpleasure. They rose out of their beds when theythought good: they did eat, drink, labour, sleep,when they had a mind to it, and were disposedfor it. None did awake them, none did constrainthem to eat, drink, nor do any other thing; for soGARGANTUA. 69had Gargantua established it. In all their rule,and strictest tie of their order, there was but thisone clause to be observed—FAY CE QUE VOULDRAS.Because men that are free, well- born, well- bred,and conversant in honest companies, have naturally an instinct and spur that prompteth them untovirtuous actions, and withdraws them from vice,which is called honour. Those same men, whenby base subjection and constraint they are broughtunder and kept down, turn aside from that nobledisposition, by which they formerly were inclinedto virtue, to shake off and break the bond of servitude; for it is agreeable with the nature of manto long after things forbidden, and to desire whatis denied.By this liberty they entered into a very laudableemulation, to do all of them what they saw didplease one. If any of the gallants or ladies shouldsay, " Let us drink," they would all drink. If anyone of them said, " Let us play," they all played.If one said, " Let us go for our delight into thefields," they went all. If it were to go a-hawkingor a-hunting, the ladies mounted upon well-pacednags, carried on their lovely fists, miniardly begloved every one of them, either a sparrow- hawk, ora laneret, or a merlin, and the gallants carried theother kinds of birds. So nobly were they taught,70 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.that there was not one amongst them but couldread, write, sing, play upon musical instruments,speak five or six several languages, and composein them all very quaintly, both in verse and prose.Never were seen knights so valiant, so noble andworthy, so dexterous and skilful both on foot anda-horseback, more active, more nimble and quick,or better handling all manner of weapons thanwere there. Never were seen ladies so proper, sominiard, less forward, or more ready with handand needle in every honest and free action belonging to that sex than were there.For this reason, when the time came that anyman of the said abbey, either at the request of hisparents, or for some other cause, had a mind to goout of it, he carried along with him one of theladies, namely, her whom he had before that chosenfor his mistress, and they were married together.And if they had formerly in Thelema lived indevotion and amity, much more did they continuetherein in the state of matrimony; and did entertain that mutual love till the very last day of theirlife, in no less vigour and fervency than at the veryday of their wedding.BOOK II .PANTA GRUEL.THE BIRTH OF PANTAGRUEL.[The First Book of Pantagruel, commonly called Book II . ,was written before the Book of Gargantua, called Book I.(in its present form ). The incidents and general treatmentare very much alike in both; but the former contains, as afinished study, the education of a wise prince, which is onlyindicated in the latter. The Book of Pantagruel is chieflyremarkable for the introduction of Panurge, the scholarwho speaks a Latin jargon then affected by pedants; theburlesque library of a theologian; and a hasty review ofthe French universities, —all of which will be found in thefollowing extracts . ]Now, that we may fully understand the cause andreason ofthe name of Pantagruel, son of Gargantuaand Badebec his wife, you are to remark, that inthat year there was so great drought over all thecountry of Africa, that there passed thirty and sixmonths, three weeks, four days, thirteen hours, anda little more, without rain, but with a heat so72 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.vehement, that the whole earth was parched andwithered by it. Neither was it more scorched inthe days of Elijah than it was at that time; forthere was not a tree on the earth that had eitherleaf or bloom upon it. The grass was withoutverdure or greenness, the rivers were drained, thefountains dried up, the poor fishes, forsaken by theirproper element, wandering and crying upon theground most horribly. The birds did fall down.from the air for want of dew, the wolves,foxes, harts, wild- boars, fallow- deer, hares, coneys,weasels, brocks, badgers, and other such beasts,were found dead in the fields with their mouthsopen. In respect of men, there was the pity, youshould have seen them lay out their tongues likehares that have been run six hours. Many didthrow themselves into the wells. Others enteredwithin a cow's belly to be in the shade; thoseHomer calls Alibantes. All the country was idle.It was a most lamentable case to see the labourof mortals in defending themselves from this horrific drought; for they had work enough to do tosave the holy water in the churches from beingwasted; but there was such order taken by thecounsel of my Lords the Cardinals, and of theHoly Father, that none did dare to take above onelick. Yet, when any one came into the church,you should have seen above twenty poor thirstywretches hang upon him that was the distributorPANTAGRUEL. 73of the water, and that with a wide-open throat,gaping for some little drop, like Dives, lest anything should be lost. Oh how happy was he in thatyear, who had a cellar fresh and well plenished!Now on a certain Friday, when the whole peoplewere engaged in their devotions, and made goodlyprocessions, with store of litanies, and fair preachings, and beseechings of God Almighty to lookdown with his eye of mercy upon their miserablecondition, there were visibly seen issue out ofthe ground great drops of water, such as fall froma man in a copious sweat, and the poor peoplebegan to rejoice, as if it had been a thing veryprofitable unto them; for some said that there wasnot one drop of moisture in the air, whence theymight have any rain, and that the earth did supplythe default of that. Other learned men said, thatit was a shower of the Antipodes, as Seneca saithin his fourth book Quæstionum naturalium, speaking of the source and spring of the Nile. But theywere deceived; for the procession being ended,when every one went about to gather of this dew,and to drink of it with full bowls, they found thatit was nothing but brine, more brackish in taste.than the saltest water of the sea. And because inthat very day Pantagruel was born, his father gavehim that name; for Panta in Greek is as much asto say all, and Gruel, in the Hagarene languagedoth signify thirsty; inferring thereby, that at his74 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.birth the whole world was a-dry and thirsty, andforeseeing that he would be some day sovereign ofthe thirsty.When Pantagruel was born, there was none moreastonished and perplexed than was his father Gargantua; for of the one side, seeing his wife Badebecdead, and on the other side his son Pantagruelborn, so fair and so great, he knew not what tosay, nor what to do. And the doubt that troubledhis brain was to know whether he should cry forthe death of his wife, or laugh for the joy of hisson. On the one side and the other he hadsophistic arguments which suffocated him, for heframed them very well in modo et figura, but hecould not solve them, remaining pestered by thismeans, like a mouse caught in a trap, or kitesnared in a gin. " Shall I weep? " said he. " Yes;for why? My so good wife is dead, who was themost this, the most that, that was ever in theworld. Never shall I see her, never shall I recoversuch another: it is unto me an inestimable loss!O my good God, what had I done that thoushouldest thus punish me? Why didst thou nottake me away before her, seeing that for me tolive without her is but to languish. Ah, Badebec!Badebec my minion, my dear heart, never shall Isee thee! Ah, poor Pantagruel, thou hast lost thygood mother, thy sweet nurse, thy well- belovedlady! O false death, how despiteful hast thouPANTAGRUEL. 75been to me! How outrageous art thou in takingfrom me her to whom immortality did of rightbelong! "With these words he did cry like a cow; but ona sudden fell a- laughing like a calf, when Pantagruel came into his mind. " Ha, my little son,"said he, " how jolly thou art! and how much I ambound to God, who hath bestowed on me a son, sofair, so joyous, so smiling, so jolly! Ho! ho! ho!ho! how glad I am! Let us drink, ho! and putaway melancholy! Bring of the best, rinse theglasses, lay the cloth, drive out these dogs, blowthis fire, light candles, shut that door there, cutthis bread in sippets, send away these poor folksin giving them what they ask, hold my gown. Iwill strip myself into my doublet, the better tomake the gossips merry, and keep them company. "As he spake this, he heard the litanies and themementos of the priests who carried his wife to beburied, upon which he left his good discourse, andwas suddenly ravished another way, saying, " LordGod, must I again contrist myself? This grievesme. I am no longer young, I grow old, theweather is dangerous; I may perhaps take somefever, then shall I be undone. Foi de gentilhomme! it were better to cry less, and drink more.My wife is dead, well, par Dieu! (da jurandi) Ishall not raise her again by my crying: she is well-she is in Paradise, at least, if there is no better:76 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.she prayeth to God for us; she is happy, she isabove the sense of our miseries, nor can our calamities reach her. The Lord preserve the survivors; for I must now cast about how to getanother wife. But I will tell you what you shalldo," said he to the midwives. "Go you to mywife's interment, and I will the while rock myson; for I find myself somewhat distempered, andshould be in danger of falling sick; but drink onedraught first-you will be the better for it, believeme upon mine honour."Then grew Pantagruel from day to day, and toevery one's eye waxed more and more, which madehis father to rejoice by natural affection. ThenGargantua sent him to school to learn, and tospend his youth. In which design he came first toPoictiers, where, as he studied and profited verymuch, he saw that the scholars were oftentimes atleisure, and knew not how to bestow their time,which moved him to take such compassion onthem, that one day he took from a great rock,called Passelourdin, a huge great stone, of abouttwelve fathom square, and fourteen hands thick,and set it upon four pillars in the midst of a field ,to no other end but that the said scholars, whenthey had nothing else to do, might pass their timein getting up on that stone, and feast with store ofgammons, pasties, and flagons, and carve theirnames upon it with a knife: they call it now thePANTAGRUEL. 77Pierre Levée. And in remembrance hereof, thereis none entered on the register of the said university till he have first drunk at the Caballine fountainof Croustelles, passed to Passelourdin, and climbedupon the Pierre Levée.Afterwards, reading the delectable Chronicles ofhis Ancestors, he found that Geoffrey of Lusignan,called Geoffrey à la Grand Dent, grandfather to thecousin-in-law of the eldest sister of the aunt of theson-in-law of the uncle of the daughter-in-law ofhis stepmother, was interred at Maillezais; therefore one day he went to visit the place, as an honestman should. And going from Poictiers with someof his companions, they passed by Legugé, visitingthe noble Abbot Ardillon: then by Lusignan, bySansay, by Celles, by Colonges, by Fontenay leComte, saluting the learned Tiraqueau, and fromthence arrived at Maillezais, where he visited thesepulchre of the said Geoffrey à la Grand Dent;which made him somewhat afraid, looking uponthe picture, wherein he was represented as a manin extreme fury, drawing his great falchion Malchus half-way out of his scabbard. When thereason hereof was demanded, the canons of thesaid place told him that there was no other causeof it, but that Pictoribus atque poetis, &c. —that is tosay, that painters and poets have liberty to paintand devise what they list after their own fancy.But he was not satisfied with their answer, and78 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.said, " He is not thus painted without a cause; andI suspect that at his death there was some wrongdone him, whereof he requireth his kindred to takerevenge. I will inquire fully into it, and then dowhat shall be reasonable." Then he returned notto Poictiers, but would visit the other universitiesof France. Therefore, going to Rochelle, he tookshipping and arrived at Bordeaux, where he foundno great exercise, except the mariners playingby the river - side. From thence he came toToulouse, where he learned to dance very well,and to play with the two-handed sword, as is thefashion of the scholars of the said university; buthe stayed not long there, when he saw that theycaused their regents to be burned alive like redherrings, saying, " God forbid that I should die.this death! for I am by nature sufficiently dryalready, without heating myself any further."He went then to Montpellier, where he met withthe good wife of Mirevaux, and jovial companywithal, and thought to have set himself to thestudy of physic; but he considered that that calling was too troublesome and melancholic, and thatphysicians did smell of glisters like old devils.Therefore he resolved he would study the laws;but seeing that there were but three scauld andone bald-pated legist in that place, he departedthence. On the road he made the Pont de Gard,and, in less than three hours, the amphitheatre ofPANTAGRUEL. 79Nismes, which seems to be a more divine thanhuman work. After that he came to Avignon,where he was not above three days before he fellin love; which his tutor Epistemon perceiving, hedrew him out of that place, and brought him toValence in Dauphiné, where he sawno great matterof recreation, -only that the lubbers of the towndid beat the scholars, which incensed him, and themore when, upon a certain fair Sunday, everybody was dancing in the open air, one of thescholars offered to put himself into the ring, and theaforesaid lubbers would not permit him. He drovethem all before him, even to the brink of theriver Rhone, and would have there drowned them,but that they did squat to the ground like moles,and there lay close a full half- league under theriver. The hole is to be seen there yet.After that he departed, and in three steps anda jump came to Angers, where he found himselfvery well, and would have continued there somespace, but that the plague drove them away.Thence he came to Bourges, where he studied agood long time, and profited very much in thefaculty of the laws.Going from Bourges, he came to Orleans, wherehe found store of roystering scholars that madehim great cheer on his coming, and with whom.he learned to play at tennis so well, that he was amaster at that game. As for breaking his head80 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.with overmuch study, he did not do it at all, forfear of spoiling his eyes.THE LIMOUSIN.[The scholar talks a new language made up of Latinwords newly copied without any modifications, such as thoseundergone by that very large part of the French tonguewhich is Latin by descent. There is a work called ' LeChampfleury,' by a learned printer and scholar calledGeoffroy Tory, published in 1530, in which some of thephrases used by the scholar of Limoges are found exactly.It was, however, probably the pedantry of the practicerather than the book which Rabelais ridiculed . But theridicule did not kill the fashion. ]Upon a certain day, I know not when, Pantagruelwalking after supper with some of his fellowstudents by the gate of the city on the road toParis, encountered with a young spruce scholarthat was coming upon the very same way, and afterthey had saluted one another, asked him thus, " Myfriend, whence comest thou?"The scholar answered, " From the alme, inclyteand celebrate academy, which is vocitated Lutetia. ""What is the meaning of this? " asked Pantagruel of one ofhis men."It is," answered he, " from Paris.""Thou comest from Paris, then? " said Panta-PANTAGRUEL. 81gruel; " and how do you spend your time there,you students of Paris? "The scholar answered: "We transfretate theSequane at the dilucul and crepuscul; we deambulate by the compites and quadrivies of the urb;we despumate the Latial verbocination; and, likeverisimilary amorabons, we captat the benevolenceof the omnijugal, omniform, and omnigenal fœminine sex . Then do we cauponisate in the meritorytaberns of the Pomme de Pin, the Castel, the Magdalene, and the Mule, goodly vervecine spatulesperforaminated with petrosil. And if by fortunethere be rarity, or penury of pecune in our marsupies, and that they be exhausted of ferrugineanmetal, for the shot we demit our codices andopignerated vestments, whilst we prestolate thecoming of the Tabellaries from the penates andpatriotic lares. "To which Pantagruel answered, " What devilishlanguage is this? By the Lord, thou art somekind of heretic! ""My lord, no," said the scholar; " for libentissimally, as soon as it illucesceth any minutuleslice of the day, I demigrate into one of these sowell architected minsters, and there, irrorating myself with fair lustral water, I mumble off littleparcels of some missic precation of our sacrificuls.And, submurmurating my horary precules, I elaveand absterge my anime from its nocturnal inquinaF82 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.tions. I revere the olympicols. I latrially venerethe Supernal Astripotent. I dilige and redamemy proxims. I observe the decalogical precepts,and, according to the facultatule of my vires, I donot discede from them one late unguicule. Nevertheless it is veriform , that because Mammon dothnot supergurgitate anything in my loculs, that Iam somewhat rare and lent to supererogate theelemosynes to those egents, that hostially queritatetheir stipe. ""Prut, tut! " said Pantagruel, " what doth thisfool mean to say? I think he is upon the forgingof some diabolical tongue, and that enchanter-lkehe would charm us."To whom one of his men said: "Without doubt,sir, this fellow would counterfeit the language ofthe Parisians, but he doth only flay the Latin,thinking thus to Pindarise, and conceiting himself to be a great orator in the French, because he disdaineth the common manner ofspeaking. "29 To which Pantagruel said, " Is this true?The scholar answered: " My worshipful lord , mygenie is not apt nate to that which this flagitiousnebulon saith, to excoriate the cuticle of our vervacular Gallic, but viceversally I gnave opere, andby veles and rames enite to locupletate it with theLatinicome redundance.""Par Dieu!" cried Pantagruel, " I will teach youPANTAGRUEL. 83to speak. But first come hither, and tell mewhence thou art? "To this the scholar answered: " The primevalorigin of my aves and ataves was indigenary of theLemovick regions, where requiesceth the corpor ofthe hagiotat St Martial. "66"I understand thee very well," said Pantagruel.When all comes to all, thou art a Limousin, andthou wilt here by thy affected speech counterfeitthe Parisians. Well now, come hither, I must showthee a new trick. "With this he took him by the throat, saying tohim, " Thou flayest the Latin, -by St John, I willmake thee flay the fox, for I will now flay theealive! "Then began the poor Limousin to cry, "Veedicou gentilastre, O Saint Marsault, ajuda my,hau! hau! ""Now," said Pantagruel, "thou speakest naturally. " And so let him go.But this hug of Pantagruel's was such a terror tohim all the days of his life, and took such deepimpression in his fancy, that very often he wouldsay that Pantagruel held him by the neck. Besidesthat, it procured him a continual drought anddesire to drink, so that after some few years hedied Roland's death, that is, thirst,-a work ofdivine vengeance, showing us that which saith thephilosopher, and Aulus Gellius, that it becometh84READINGSFROMRABELAIS.us to speak according to the common language;and, as said Octavian Augustus, that we shouldavoid unknown words with as much heedfulness aspilots of ships use to avoid rocks at sea.THE LIBRARY OF ST VICTOR.[" The titles of books were often far-fetched and strange.For example: The ' Rosebush of Wars, ' the ' Whip ofInquisitors, ' the ' Goad of Divine Love, ' the ' Antidotory ofthe Soul, ' the Matches of Divine Fire, ' the ' Spiritual Sugarto Soften the Sharp Misfortunes ofthe Time, ' the ' Sword ofGoliath, ' the Fall of the Devil, ' the ' Morning Call of theCalvinists, ' the Turtle- Dove of Widowhood, ' &c. Thebooks oftheology and devotion were especially distinguishedby these strange titles. Rabelais amuses himself with giving a list -some of which are real titles slightly altered,some are invented. " -FLEURY, i . 327. ]•After that Pantagruel had studied very well atOrleans, he resolved to see the great University atParis. And at his entry every one came out tosee him, and beheld him with great astonishment,mixed with no less fear, that he would carry awaythe courts into some other country, à remotis, andfar from them, as his father formerly had done thebells of Notre Dame, to tie about his mare's neck.Now after he had stayed there a pretty space, andstudied very well in all the seven liberal arts, hePANTAGRUEL. 85said it was a good town to live in, but not to die;for that the beggars of St Innocent are used towarm themselves with dead men's bones. Andthere he found the library of St Victor, very magnificent, especially as regards certain books whichhe found there, of which followeth the Catalogue,Etprimò:-The Two-horse Tumbrel of Salvation.Pantofla decretorum.The Pomegranates of Vice.The Round Ball of Theology.The Vistempenard of Preachers, composed byTurlupin.Elephantine.The Henbane of Bishops.Marmotretus de babonis et cingis, cum Commento Dorbellis.Decretum Universitatis Parisiensis super gorgiasitate muliercularum ad placitum.The Apparition of Saint Gertrude to a Nun ofPoissy, being then in travail.The Mustard- pot of Penance.The Gamashes, alias the Boots of Patience.Formicarium artium.The Scriveners' Waste-paper Basket.The Marriage- packet.The Crucible of Contemplation.The Fariboles of the Law.The Goad of Wine.86 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.The Spur of Cheese.Decrotatorium scholarium.The Fanfaronades of Rome.Bricot de Differentiis Soupparum.The Shoe of Humility.The Trivet of good Thoughts.The Cauldron of Magnanimity.The Vicar's Rap over the Knuckles.Reverendi patris fratris Lubini, provincialis Bavardiæ, de croquendis lardonibus libri tres.Pasquilli Doctoris Marmorei, de capreolis cumchardoneta comedendis, tempore Papali abEcclesia interdicto.The invention of the Holy Cross, for six persons,played by the Clerks of Finesse.Spectacles for Pilgrims to Rome.Majoris de modo faciendi puddinos.The Prelates' Bagpipe.Beda de optimitate triparum.The Lawyers' Furred Cat.Of Peas and Bacon, cum Commento.The Crackarades of Bullists, or Stone - throwing Engines, Contrepate Clerks, Scriveners,Brief-writers, Rapporters, and Papal Bull-despatchers, lately compiled by Regis.A perpetual Almanack for those that have thegout.The Tradesman's Packthread.The Ease of the Monastic Life.PANTAGRUEL. 87The Hodge- podge of Hypocrites.The History of Hobgoblin.The Trictrac of the Knocking Friars.Lyrippii Sorbonici Moralisationes, per M. Lupoldum.The Bibbings of the tippling Bishops.Tarrabalationes Doctorum Coloniensium adversus Reuchlin.The Hotch-pot of the Perpetuals.The Heretic Morris-dance.Sixty-nine fat Breviaries.The Night-mare of the five Mendicant Orders.PANURG E.[In this chapter is introduced Panurge, the most completely original character in Rabelais. He begins byanswering in a dozen languages, one after the other. Hisanswers are given here, with the exception of the Greek,word for word after the text in Jacob's edition, thoughsome of them are full of mistakes. ]One day as Pantagruel was taking a walk without the city, towards St Anthony's abbey, discoursing and philosophising with his people andsome scholars, he met with a man of comelystature, and well proportioned in all the lineaments of his body, but in several parts pitifully88 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.wounded; in such bad equipage in matter of hisapparel, that he seemed to have escaped fromdogs, or, to say better, he resembled an applegatherer of Le Perche.As far off as Pantagruel saw him, he said tothose that stood by, " Do you see that man whois coming hither by the Pont Charenton? By myfaith, he is only poor in fortune; for I may assureyou, that by his physiognomy it appeareth thatnature hath extracted him from a rich and noblerace, but that the accidents which befall curiouspeople have reduced him to this want and penury.”Now as he was just amongst them, Pantagruelsaid unto him, " Let me entreat you, friend, thatyou may be pleased to stop here a little, andanswer me to that which I shall ask you, and Iam confident you will not think your time ill bestowed; for I have an extreme desire, accordingto my ability, to give you some help in this distress wherein I see you are, because you moveme to great pity. Therefore, my friend, tell mewho you are, whence you come, whither you go,what you desire, and what your name is."The companion answered him in the Germantongue, thus:"Junker, Gott geb euch glück und heil zuvor.Lieber Junker, ich lasz euch wissen, das da ihrmich von fragt, ist ein arm und erbärmlich Ding,und wer viel darvon zu sagen, welches euch ver-PANTAGRUEL. 89drüssig zu hören, und mir zu erzelen wer, wiewoldie Poeten und Oratorn vorzeiten haben gesagt inihren Sprüchen und Sentenzen, das die gedechtnusdes elends und armuths vorlängst erlitten ist einegrosse lust. ""My friend," said Pantagruel, " I have no skillin that gibberish; therefore, if you would have usto understand you, speak some other language."Then did the companion answer him thus (inArabic):"Albarildim gotfano dechmin brin alabo dordiofalbroth ringuam albaras. Nin portzadikin almucatin milko prin alelmin en thoth dalhebenensouim kuthim al dum alkatim nim brothdechoth porth min michais im endoth, pruchdalmaisoulum hol moth danfrihim lupaldas imvoldemoth. Nin hur diavosth mnarbotim dalgousch palfrapin duch im scoth pruch galeth dalchinon, min foulchrich al conin brutathem dothdal prin.""Do you understand any of this? " asked Pantagruel ofthe company." I believe," said Epistemon, " that this is thelanguage of the Antipodes; the devil himselfknows not what to make of it. "Then said Pantagruel: " Gossip, I know not ifthe walls do comprehend the meaning of yourwords, but none of us here understands one syllable of them."90 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Then said the companion (in Italian):Signor mio, voi vedete per essempio, che lacornamusa non suona mai, s'ella non ha il ventrepieno. Cosi io parimente non vi saprei contare lemie fortune, se prima il tribulato ventre non ha lasolita refettione. Al quale è adviso che le maniet li denti habbiano perso il loro ordine naturale etdel tutto annichilati. "To which Epistemon answered: " As much ofthe one as of the other."Then said Panurge in English:" Lord, if you be so vertuous of intelligence, asyou be naturally releaved to the body, you shouldhave pity of me. For nature hath made us equal,but fortune hath some exalted, and others deprived;nevertheless is vertue often deprived, and the vertuous men despised; for before the last end none isgood. ""Yet less," said Pantagruel.Then said Panurge (in Basque):"Jona andie guaussa goussy etan beharda erremedio beharde versela ysser landa. Anbat esotoy y es nausu ey nessassust gourray proposianordine den. Non yssena bayta facheria egabe genherassy badia sadassu noura assia. Aran hondavan gualde cydassu naydassuna. Estou oussyceg vinan soury hien er darstura eguy harm. Genicoa plasar vadu.""Are you there," said Eudemon, " Genicoa? "PANTAGRUEL. 91Then answered Panurge:"Prust frest frinst sorgdmand strochdi drhdspag brlelang Gravot Chavigny Pomardiere rusthpkaldracg Deviniere pres Nays. Couille kalmuchmonach drupp del meupplist rincq drlnd dodelbup drent loch minc stz rinq jald de vins pers cordelis bur jocst stzampenards."" Do you speak Christian, " said Epistemon, " orthe buffoon language, otherwise called Patelinois?Nay, it is Lantern tongue."Then said Panurge (in Dutch):Heere, ik en spreeke anders geen tael dankersten taele: my dunkt noghtans, al en seg ik uniet een wordt, mynen noot verklaert genoegh watik begeere: geeft my uyt bermhertigheyt yets,waar van ik gevoet magh zyn."To which answered Pantagruel, " As much ofthat."Then said Panurge (in Spanish):66 Señor, de tanto hablar yo soy cansado, por queyo suplico a vuestra reverentia que mire a los preceptos evangelicos, para que ellos movan vuestrareverentia a lo que es de conscientia; y si ellosnon bastaren, para mover vuestra reverentia a piedad, yo suplico que mire a la piedad natural, laqual yo creo que le movera como es de razon: ycon esso non digo mas. ”"Truly, my friend," said Pantagruel, “ I doubtnot but you can speak divers languages; but tell us92 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.that which you would have us to do for you in sometongue which you conceive we may understand."Then said the companion (in Danish):"Min Herre, endog ieg med ingen tunge talede,ligesom bærn, oc uskellige creatuure: Mine klædebon oc mit legoms magerhed uduiser alligeuelklarlig huad ting mig best behof gioris, som ersandelig mad oc dricke: Huorfor forbarme digofuer mig, oc befal at giue mig noguet, af huilcketieg kand slyre min giæendis mage, ligeruiis sommand Cerbero en suppe forsetter: Saa skalt dulefue længe oc lycksalig.""I think really," said Eusthenes, " that the Gothsspoke thus."Then again said Panurge (in Hebrew):"Adon, scalom lecha: im ischar harob hal hebdeca bimeherah thithen li kikar lehem: chanchatub laah al Adonai cho nen ral."To which answered Epistemon, " At this timehave I understood him very well; for it is theHebrew tongue most rhetorically pronounced."Then again said the gallant:Δέσποτα, τινῦν, παναγαθὲ, διότι σὺ μοὶ οὐκ ἀρτοδοτεῖς; ὁρᾷςγὰρ λιμῷ ἀναλιςκόμενον, ἐμὲ ἄθλιον, καὶ ἐν τῷ μεταξὺ με οὐκἐλέεις οὐδαμῶς, ζητεῖς δὲ παρ᾽ ἐμοῦ ἃ οὐ χρῆ. Καὶ ὁμῶς φιλολόγοι πάντες ὁμολογοῦσι τότε λόγους τε καὶ ῥήματα περιττὰὑπαρχεῖν, ὁπότε πρᾶγμα αὐτό πᾶσι δῆλον ἐστί. Ἔνθα γὰρἀνάγκη μόνον λόγου ἐστίν, ἵνα πράγματα ὧν πέρι ἀμφισβητοῦμεν μοι προσφορῶς ἐπιφαίνητε.PANTAGRUEL. 93"What! " said Carpalim, Pantagruel's footman;"it is Greek-I have understood him. And how?hast thou dwelt in Greece? "Then said the companion again (perhaps inBreton):"Agonou dont oussys vous dedagnez algarou:nou den farou zamist vous mariston ulbrou, fousques voubrol tant bredaguez moupreton den goulhoust, daguez daguez non cropys fost pardonnoflistnougrou. Agou paston tol nalprissys hourtou losechatonous, prou dhouquys brol pany gou denbascrou noudous caguons goulfren goul oustaroppassou. ""Methinks I understand him," said Pantagruel;"for either it is the language of my country ofUtopia, or sounds very like it. "And as he was about to have begun some argument, the companion said:"Jam toties vos per sacra, perque deos deasqueomneis obtestatus sum, ut si qua vos pietas permovet, egestatem meam solaremini, nec hilum proficio clamans et ejulans. Sinite, quæso, sinite, viriimpii, quo me fata vocant abire; nec ultra vanis vestris interpellationibus obtundatis, memores veterisillius adagii, quo venter famelicus auriculis careredicitur. ""Dea! myfriend," said Pantagruel, " cannot youspeak French? ”"That I can do, sir, very well, " said the com-94 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.panion. " It is my natural language and mothertongue; for I was born and bred in my youngeryears in the garden of France, to wit, Touraine. "" Then," said Pantagruel, " tell us what is yourname, and whence you are come: for, by my faith,I have already stamped in my mind such a deepimpression of love towards you, that, if you willcondescend unto my will, you shall not depart outof my company, and you and I shall make upanother couple of friends, such as Æneas andAchates were.""Sir," said the companion, " my true and properChristian name is Panurge, and now I come outof Turkey, to which country I was carried awayprisoner at that time, when they went to Metelinwith a mischief. And willingly would I relate untoyou my fortunes, which are more wonderful thanthose of Ulysses; but, seeing that it pleaseth youto retain me with you, and that I heartily acceptthe offer, protesting never to leave you, should yougo to all the devils, we shall have more leisure atanother time wherein to report them. At thispresent I am in a very urgent necessity to feed;my teeth are sharp, my throat dry, and my stomachfierce all is ready. If you will but set me to work,it will be balm to see me eat. For God's sake, giveorder for it. "Then Pantagruel commanded that they shouldcarry him home, and provide him good store ofPANTAGRUEL. 95victuals; which being done, he ate very well thatevening, and went early to bed, and slept untildinner- time the next day, so that he made butthree steps and a jump from bed to board.Now at the drinking poor Panurge tippled valiantly, for he was as lean as a red-herring, andwent on his feet like a starved cat: so that, bysome one being admonished in the midst of hisdraught of a great bowl full of red wine, withthese words, " Fair and softly, gossip; you suck asif you were mad "-" Go to the devil, " said he;"thou hast not found here thy little sippers of Paris,that drink no more than a chaffinch, and nevertake in their liquor till they be bobbed on thetail like sparrows. Ocompanion, if I could mountup as well as I swallow down, I had been longere this above the sphere of the moon with Empedocles. But I cannot tell what a devil this means.This wine is good and delicious, but the more Idrink thereof, the more I am athirst. I believethat the shadow of my lord Pantagruel engendereth thirst, as the moon causeth catarrhs."At which word the company began to laugh,which Pantagruel perceiving, said, “ Panurge, whatis that which moves you to laugh so? ""Sir," said he, " I was telling them that thesedevils of Turks are very unhappy, in that theycan never drink one drop of wine; and that thoughthere were no other harm in Mohammed's Coran.96READINGSFROMRABELAIS.yet for this would I never submit myself unto theirlaw.""But now tell me," said Pantagruel, " how youescaped out their hands. ""Par Dieu, seigneur," said Panurge, " I will notlie to you in one word."The rascally Turks had broached me upona spit all larded like a rabbit-for I was so thin,that, otherwise, of my flesh they would have madebut very bad meat-and in this manner began toroast me alive. Now, as they were roasting me, Irecommended myself unto the divine grace, havingin my mind the good St Lawrence, and alwayshoped in God that he would deliver me out of thistorment. Which came to pass, and that verystrangely. For, as I did commit myself with allmy heart unto God, crying, ' Lord God, help me;Lord God, save me; Lord God, take me out of thistorment, wherein these traitorous dogs detain mefor my maintenance of thy law! ' the roaster fellasleep by the divine will, or else by the virtue ofsome good Mercury, who cunningly put into sleepthe hundred-eyed Argus. When I saw that he didno longer turn me in roasting, I looked upon him ,and perceived that he was fast asleep. Then took Iup in my teeth a firebrand by the end where it wasnot burned, and cast it into the lap of my roaster,and another did I throw as well as I could under abed near the chimney, whereon was the straw mat-PANTAGRUEL. 97tress of my turnspit. Presently the fire took hold ofthe straw, and from the straw to the bed, and fromthe bed to the loft, which was planked with fir.But the best was, that the fire which I had castinto the lap of my rascal roaster burned his groin.Then he suddenly sprang up, and in a great amazement running to the window, he cried out to thestreets as high as he could, ' Dal baroth! dal baroth!dal baroth! ' which is as much as to say, ' Fire!fire! fire! ' Incontinently turning about, he camestraight towards me, to throw me quite into thefire, and to that effect had already cut the ropeswherewith my hands were tied, and was undoingthe cords from off my feet, when the master of thehouse hearing the cry of fire, and smelling thesmoke from the street where he was walking withother Bashaws and Mustaphas, ran with all speedto give help and to carry away his jewels. As soonas he arrived he caught the broach whereon I wasspitted, and therewith killed my roaster stark dead,of which wound he died there for want of regimenor otherwise; for he ran him in with the spit aboutthe middle, towards the right flank, and piercedthe third lobe of his liver, and the blow slantingupwards, penetrated the diaphragm, and passingthrough the capsule of his heart, came out aboveat his shoulders, betwixt the spondyls and the lefthom*oplat."True it is, for I will not lie, that, in drawingG98READINGSFROMRABELAIS.the spit from my body, I fell to the ground nearthe andirons, and so by the fall took some hurt,but not much, for the lardons, or slices of bacon,kept off the blow. My bashaw then seeing thecase to be desperate, his house burnt without remission, and all his goods lost, gave himself over untoall the devils, calling Grilgoth, Astaroth, Rappalus,and Gribouillis, nine several times. Which whenI saw, I had more than five penny-worth of fear,dreading that the devils would come at once tocarry away this fool, and would perhaps snatchme up too. I am already, thought I , half roasted;my lardons will be the cause of my mischief; forthese devils are fond of lardons, according to theauthority which you have of the philosopher Jamblicus, and Murmelius, in the Apology De Bossutiset contrefactis pro magistros nostros.But for mybetter security I made the sign of the cross, crying,'Hagios, athanatos, ho theos,' and none came. Seeing which, my villain of a bashaw would have killedhimselfwith the spit; indeed he put it to his breast,but it would not pierce him, being too blunt, sothat although he pushed as much as he could heprofited nothing. Whereupon I came to him andsaid, ' Master, thou dost here but trifle away thytime, for thou wilt never kill thyself thus. Perhaps thou mayest do thyself some hurt, so as tomake thee languish all thy lifetime in the handsofthe chirurgeons; but, if thou wilt, I will kill theePANTAGRUEL. 99clear outright, so that thou shalt not so much asfeel it, and trust me, for I have killed a great manyothers, who have found themselves very well afterit.' 'Ha! my friend, ' said he, ' I prithee do so, andfor thy pains I give thee my purse. Take, hereit is; there are six hundred seraphs in it, anddiamonds and rubies.'"And where are they? " asked Epistemon.Mais où"By St John," said Panurge, "they are a goodway hence, if they always keep going.sont les neiges d'antan?' This was the greatestcare that Villon the Parisian poet had. ""Make an end," said Pantagruel, " that we mayknow how thou didst dress thy bashaw.""Bythe faith of an honest man," said Panurge,“ I do not lie in one word. I swaddled him in ascurvy cloth, which I found lying there half burnt,and tied him both hand and foot with my cords,in such sort that he was not able to move; thenpassed my spit through his throat, and hanged himthereon, fastening the end thereof at two greathooks, upon which they did hang their halberds;and then kindling a fair fire under him, did flameyou up Milord, as they dry herrings in a chimney.With this, taking his purse and a little javelin thatwas upon the hooks, I ran away a fair gallop."When I came down into the street, I foundeverybody came to put out the fire with store ofwater, and seeing me so half-roasted, they did100 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.naturally pity my case, and threw all their water.upon me, which joyously refreshed me. Then didthey present me with some victuals, but I couldnot eat much, because they gave me nothing todrink but water after their fashion. Other hurtthey did me none, only one little villanous Turk,knob-breasted, furtively snatched away some of mylardons, but I gave him dronos on the fingers withall the weight of my javelin, so that he came nomore the second time. But note, that this roastingcured me entirely of a sciatica, whereunto I hadbeen subject above seven years before, upon thatside which my roaster, by falling asleep, sufferedto be burnt."Now, whilst they were busy about me, the firetriumphed, never ask how. For it took hold onabove two thousand houses, which one of themespying cried out, ' Ventre Mahom! all the city ison fire, and we amuse ourselves here.' Upon thisevery one ran to save his own; for my part, I tookmy way towards the gate. When I was got uponthe knap of a little hillock, not far off, I turned meabout as did Lot's wife, and looking back, saw allthe city burning in a fair fire, whereat I was glad .But God punished me well for it. ""How? " asked Pantagruel." Thus, " said Panurge; " for when with pleasure Ibeheld this jolly fire, jesting with myself, and saying, ' Ha, poor flies! ha, poor mice! you will havePANTAGRUEL. ΙΟΙa bad winter of it this year, the fire is in your bedstraw,' out came more than six, yea more thanthirteen hundred and eleven dogs, great and small,altogether out of the town, flying away from thefire. At the first approach they ran all upon me,being carried on by the scent of my half-roastedflesh, and had even then devoured me in a trice, ifmy good angel had not well inspired me with theinstruction of a remedy, very sovereign againstthe toothache.""And wherefore," asked Pantagruel, " wert thouafraid of the toothache? Wert thou not cured ofthy rheums?"" By Palm Sunday, " said Panurge, " is there anytoothache worse than when the dogs have got youby the legs? Suddenly I remembered my lardons,and threw them in the midst of the dogs; thenthe dogs began to rive and to fight with one another as fair teeth, which should have the lardon.Thus they left me, and I left them also tearingeach other's skin. Thus did I escape galliard andof good cheer, et vive la rotisserie! "Panurge was of a middle stature, not too highnor too low, and had somewhat an aquiline nose,made like the handle of a razor. He was at thattime five-and-thirty years old, or thereabouts, fineto gild like a leaden dagger. He was a very gallant and proper man of his person, only that he102 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.was a little inclined to gallantry, and naturallysubject to a kind of disease, which at that timethey called Faulte d'argent, c'est douleur sanspareille. Always he had threescore and threetricks to come by it at his need, of which the mosthonourable and most ordinary was in manner ofthieving and secret purloining: cozener, drinker,roysterer, rover, and dissolute fellow, if there wereany in Paris. Au demourant le meilleur fils dumonde. And he was still contriving some mischiefa*gainst the serjeants and the watch.At one time he assembled three or four roaringboys; made them in the evening drink like Templars, afterwards led them till they came under StGeneviève, or about the college of Navarre, andat the hour that the watch was coming up thatway, which he knew by putting his sword uponthe pavement, and his ear by it, and when heheard his sword shake, it was an infallible signthat the watch was near at that instant, then heand his companions took a tumbrel, and gave itthe brangle, hurling it with all their force downthe hill , and so overthrew all the poor watchmenlike pigs, and then ran away upon the other side;for in less than two days he knew all the streets,lanes, and turnings in Paris as well as his Deus det.At another time he laid, in some fair placewhere the said watch was to pass, a train of gunpowder, and, at the very instant that they wentPANTAGRUEL. 103along, set fire to it, and then made himself sportto see what good grace they had in running away,thinking that St Anthony's fire had caught themby the legs. As for the poor Masters of Arts andtheologians, he did persecute them above allothers. When he encountered any of them in thestreet, he would never fail to put some trick orother upon them, pinning to them little fox-tails,or hares' ears behind them, or some such otherprank. One day that they were appointed all tomeet in the Sorbonne, he made a Borbonnais tart,made of garlic, of assafœtida, ofcastoreum, which hesteeped, tempered, and liquefied in horrible messes;and, very early in the morning, therewith anointedall the pavement, in such sort that the devil couldnot have endured it. And all these good peoplevomited before all the world, as if they had flayedthe fox; ten or twelve of them died of the plague,fourteen became lepers, eighteen became coveredwith boils, but he did not care a button for it.He commonly carried a whip under his gown,wherewith he whipped without remission the pageswhom he found carrying wine to their masters, tomake them mend their pace. In his coat he hadabout six-and-twenty little fobs and pockets alwaysfull, one with some lead- water, and a little knife assharp as a glover's needle, wherewith he used tocut purses another with verjuice, which he threwinto the eyes of those he met another with burrs,104 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.penned with little geese' or capons' feathers, whichhe cast upon the gowns and caps of honest people,and often made them fair horns, which they woreabout the city, sometimes all their life. In another he had little horns full of fleas, which heborrowed from the beggars of St Innocent, andcast them with small quills into the necks of thedaintiest gentlewomen that he could find, yea,even in the church; for he never seated himselfabove in the choir, but always sat in the naveamong the women, both at mass, vespers, andsermon.In another pocket he used to have good store ofhooks and buckles, wherewith he would couplemen and women together that sat in companyclose to one another, but especially those that woregowns of crimson taffaties, that, when they wereabout to go away, they might rend all their gowns.In another he had a squib furnished with tinder,matches, stones to strike fire, and all other tacklenecessary for it. In another, two or three burningglasses, wherewith he made both men and womensometimes mad, and in the church put them quiteout of countenance.In another he had needles and thread, wherewith he did a thousand little devilish pranks. Onetime, at the entry of the Courts of Law unto thegreat Hall, where a certain cordelier was sayingmass to the Judges, he did help to apparel himPANTAGRUEL. 105and put on his vestments; but in the accoutreingof him, he sewed on his alb to his gown and shirt,and then withdrew himself when the Judges cameto hear the said mass. But when it came to theIte, missa est, that the poor Frater would havelaid by his stole or surplice, as the fashion thenwas, he plucked off withal both his frock andshirt, which were well sewed together. Fromhenceforth it was ordained that the poor fathersshould never disrobe themselves any more beforethe world, but in their vestry-room, or sextry, asthey call it.Item, he had another pocket full of itchingpowder, called stone-allum , whereof he would castsome into the backs of those women whom he sawto be most beautiful and stately, which did so gallthem, that some would dance like a co*ck upon hotembers, or a drumstick on a tabour. Others,again, ran about the streets, and he would runafter them.Item, in another he had a little bottle full of oldoil, wherewith, when he saw any man or woman ina handsome suit, he would grease and spoil all thebest parts, under pretence of touching them, saying, "This is good cloth, this is good satin, goodtaffaties, madam; God give you all that yournoble heart desireth! You have a new suit,pretty sir; God give you joy of it," and withthis would lay his hand upon their shoulder, and106 READINGS. FROM RABELAIS.with it a stain which remained for ever was leftbehind."Si enormément engravéeEn l'ame, en cors, et renommée,Que le diable ne l'eust ostie."Another he had all full of euphorbium, veryfinely pulverised. In that powder did he lay afair handkerchief, curiously wrought, which he hadstolen from a pretty sempstress of the Courts , andwhen he came into the company of some goodladies, he would trifle them into a discourse of finelinen, and then immediately put his hand intotheir bosom, asking them, " And this work, is it ofFlanders, or of Hainault? " and then drew outhis handkerchief, and said, " Hold, hold! lookwhat work here is! " and shaking it hard at theirnose, made them sneeze for four hours withoutceasing.In another he had a picklock, a pelican, a crampiron, a crook, and some other iron tools, wherewiththere was no door nor coffer which he could notpick open. He had another full of little cups,wherewith he played very artificially, for he hadhis fingers made to his hand, like those of Minervaor Arachne. And when he changed a teston, orany other piece of money, the changer would havebeen subtle indeed if Panurge had not at everytime made five or six sols vanish away visibly,openly, and manifestly, without making any hurtPANTAGRUEL. 107or lesion, whereof the changer should have feltnothing but the wind.EPISTEMON'S DESCENT INTO HELL.[There is no need to follow Pantagruel in his war withthe Dipsodes and the Giants. Enough that he discomfitedthem, with Loupgarou their captain; but that Epistemon,one of his followers, had his head taken off in the battle.]This gigantal victory being ended, Pantagruelwithdrew himself to the place of the flagons, andcalled for Panurge and the rest, who came untohim safe and sound, except Eusthenes, whom oneof the giants had scratched a little in the facewhilst he was cutting of his throat, and Epistemon,who appeared not at all. Whereat Pantagruelwas so aggrieved, that he would have killed himself. But Panurge said unto him, "Dea! Seigneur,stay a while, and we will search for him amongstthe dead, and find out the truth of all. "Thus as they went seeking after him, they foundhim stark dead, with his head between his arms allbloody. Then Eusthenes cried out, " Ah, crueldeath hast thou taken from us the perfectestamongst men?"At which words Pantagruel rose up with thegreatest grief that ever any man did see. But108 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Panurge answered, " Children, weep not one dropmore; he is yet all hot; I will make him as soundas ever he was." In saying this, he took the head,and held it warm, that the wind might not enterinto it. Eusthenes and Carpalim carried the bodyto the place where they had banqueted, not out ofany hope that ever he would recover, but thatPantagruel might see it.Nevertheless Panurge gave them good comfort,saying, " If I do not heal him, I will be contentto lose my head, which is a fool's wager. Leaveoff crying, and help me." Then cleansed he theneck very well with pure white wine, and afterthat the head, and into it synapised some powderof wild sage, which he always carried about himin one of his pockets. Afterwards he anointed itwith I know not what ointment, and set it on veryjust, vein against vein, sinew against sinew, andspondyl against spondyl, that he might not bewry-necked, for such people he mortally hated.This done, he gave it round about some fifteen orsixteen stitches with a needle, that it might notfall off again, then all around he put on a littleointment, which he called resuscitative.Suddenly Epistemon began to breathe, thenopened his eyes, yawned, and sneezed. Whereupon Panurge said, " Now, certainly, he is healed,"-and therefore gave him to drink a glass of strongwhite wine, with a sugared toast. In this fashionPANTAGRUEL. 109was Epistemon finely healed, only that he wassomewhat hoarse for above three weeks, and hada dry cough of which he could not be rid but byforce of drinking. Then he began to speak, andsaid that he had seen the devil, had spoken withLucifer familiarly, and had been very merry inhell and in the Elysian fields . And he affirmedbefore them all, that the devils were merry fellows.But, in respect of the damned, he said he was verysorry that Panurge had so soon called him backinto this world again; " For, " said he, " I took wonderful delight to see them. " "How so? " saidPantagruel. "Because they do not use themthere," said Epistemon, " so badly as you wouldthink. But their condition changed after a verystrange manner; for I saw Alexander the Greatthere, mending and patching old breeches, andthus got his humble living.Xerxes was a crier of mustard.Romulus, a seller of salt.Numa, a nailsmith.Sylla, a ferryman.Cyrus, a cowherd .Themistocles, a glass-maker.Epaminondas, a maker of mirrors.Brutus and Cassius, land- surveyors.Demosthenes, a vine- dresser.Fabius, a threader of paternosters.Artaxerxes, a rope-maker.ΠΙΟ READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Æneas, a miller.Ulysses, a hay- mower.Nestor, a dealer in old iron.Ancus Martius, a ship- tarrer.Camillus, a cobbler.Marcellus, a sheller of beans.Asdrubal, a lantern- maker.Hannibal, a cook.Priam sold old clothes.Lancelot of the Lake skinned dead horses."All the Knights of the Round Table were poorday-labourers, employed to row over the rivers ofCocytus, Phlegeton, Styx, Acheron, and Lethe,when my lords the devils had a mind to recreatethemselves upon the water, as do the boatmen atLyons, and the gondoliers of Venice.' Mais pour chacune passade,Ilz n'ont qu'une nazarde,'and in the morning a lump of mouldy bread.Trajan was a fisher of frogs.Antoninus, a lackey.Commodus, a bagpiper.Pertinax, a peeler of walnuts.Lucullus sold cherries.Justinian, a pedlar.Paris was a poor ragamuffin.Cambyses, a muleteer.Nero, a fiddler; and Fierabras was his serving-PANTAGRUEL. IIIman, but he played Nero a thousand tricks, andwould make him eat stale bread and drink turnedwine, when himself did both eat and drink of thebest.Julius Cæsar and Pompey were shipwrights.Godfrey de Bouillon, a maker of dominoes.Baldwin was a churchwarden.Huon of Bordeaux, a cooper.Pyrrhus, a kitchen- scullion.Antiochus was a chimney-sweeper.Perce-Forest, a carrier of fa*gots.The four sons of Aymon were all tooth- drawers.Pope Urban, a bacon- picker.Melusina was a kitchen drudge-wench.Cleopatra, a crier of onions.Dido did sell mushrooms.Penthesilea sold water-cress.Lucretia was an ale-house keeper."After this manner, those that had been greatlords and ladies here, got but a poor scurvywretched living there below. And, on the contrary, the philosophers and others who in thisworld had been altogether indigent and wanting,were great lords there in their turn . I saw Diogenes there strutting in great magnificence, with arich purple gown, and a golden sceptre in his righthand. And he doth make Alexander the Greatmad when he has not well patched his breeches;for he pays him with sound bastinadoes. I saw112 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Epictetus there most gallantly apparelled after theFrench fashion, sitting under a pleasant arbour,with store of handsome gentlewomen, frolicking,drinking, dancing, and making good cheer, withabundance of gold crowns. Above the lattice werewritten these verses for his device:--To leap and dance, to sport and play,And glasses fill with red and old,And nothing else to do all dayBut count the silver and the gold .'"When he saw me, he invited me to drink withhim very courteously; and I being willing to beentreated, we tippled together theologically. Inthe meantime came Cyrus to beg a penny of himfor the honour of Mercury, therewith to buy a fewonions for his supper. 'No, no,' said Epictetus,'I do not give away pennies. Hold, thou varlet!there's a crown for thee; be an honest man.' Cyruswas exceedingly glad to have met with such abooty; but the other poor rogues of kings who arethere below, as Alexander, Darius, and others, stoleit away from him by night. I saw Pathelin thetreasurer of Rhadamanthus, who was cheapeningpies that Pope Julius cried, and asked him howmuch a dozen? Three francs,' said the pope.' Nay,' said Pathelin, ' three blows with a cudgel.Lay them down, rascal! lay them down, and gofetch more! ' The poor pope went away weeping,and when he came to his master he told him thatPANTAGRUEL. 113they had taken away his pies. Whereupon hismaster gave him the eel- skin, so that his own skinwould have been worth nothing to make bagpipesof. I heard Master Francis Villon ask Xerxes,how much the mess of mustard. ' A penny,' saidXerxes.""Well," said Pantagruel, " reserve all these fairstories for another time, only tell us howthe usurersare there handled.""I saw them," said Epistemon, " all very busilyemployed in seeking of rusty pins and old nails inthe kennels of the streets, as you see poor roguesdo in this world. But the hundredweight of thisold iron is valued but at a cantle of bread, andthey have but a very bad despatch in the sale of it.Thus the poor misers are sometimes more thanthree weeks without eating one morsel or crumbof bread, and yet work both day and night, looking for the fair to come. Nevertheless, of all thislabour and misery they reckon nothing, so activethey are in hopes, at the end of the year, to earnsome scurvy penny by it.""Come," said Pantagruel, "let us now make ourselves merry one bout, and drink, my lads, I beseech.you, for it is very good drinking all this month. "Then did they uncase their flagons by heaps, andwith their provision made excellent good cheer.HBOOK III .TREATING OF THE HEROIC DEEDS ANDSAYINGS OF THE GOOD PANTAGRUEL.THE AUTHOR'S PROLOGUE.MOST illustrious drinkers, and you, thrice preciousgentlemen with the gout, did you ever see Diogenesthe cynic philosopher? If you have seen him, youthen had your eyes in your head, or I am verymuch out of my understanding and logical sense.It is a gallant thing to see the clearness of the sun.I'll be judged by the blind- born, so renowned inthe sacred Scriptures, who, having at his choice toask whatever he would from him who is Almighty,and whose word in an instant is effectually performed, asked nothing else but that he might see.Item, you are not young, which enables you competently to philosophise on wine, and henceforwards to be of the Bacchic Council; to the end.PANTAGRUEL. 115that you may give your opinion faithfully on thesubstance, colour, excellent odour, eminency, propriety, faculty, virtue, effect, and dignity of the saidblessed and desired liquor.Ifyou have not seen him, as I am easily inducedto believe, at least you have heard some talk ofhim. For through the air, and the whole extentof this hemisphere of the heavens, hath his reportand fame, even until this present time, remainedvery memorable and renowned. If you have notheard of him, I will presently tell you a story tomake your wine relish-drink then,-and to make.you talk-hearken then, I give you notice, to theend, that you may not, like infidels, be by yoursimplicity abused, that in his time he was a rarephilosopher, and joyous among a thousand. If hehad some imperfection, so have you, so have we.Nothing is there but God which is perfect. So itwas, that Alexander the Great, although he hadAristotle for his instructor and companion, heldhim in such estimation, that he wished, if he hadnot been Alexander, to have been Diogenes ofSinope.When Philip, King of Macedon, undertook tobesiege and ruin Corinth, the Corinthians havingreceived intelligence by their spies, that he with anumerous army in battle array was coming againstthem, were all of them, not without cause, afraid;and therefore were not negligent in carefully put-116 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.ting themselves each in office and duty to resist hishostile approach and defend their city.Some from the fields brought into the fortifiedplaces their moveables, cattle, corn, wine, fruit,victuals, and other necessary provision. Othersdid fortify walls, set up bastions, squared ravelins,digged trenches, cleansed countermines, fencedthemselves with gabions, contrived platforms,emptied casemates, barricaded the false brays,erected cavalliers, repaired counterscarps, plaistered courtines, erected watch-towers, sloped parapets, mortised barbacans, new- pointed portcullices,placed sentries, and sent out patrols. Every onedid watch and ward, every one carried the basket. Some polished corselets, varnished backs andbreasts, cleaned the headpieces, mail- coats, brigandines, salades, helmets, morions, jacks, gushets,gorgets, hoguines, brassars, and cuissards, corselets,haubergeons, shields, bucklers, targets, greaves,gauntlets, and spurs. Others made ready bows,slings, crossbows, bullets, catapults, fire-balls, firebrands, balists, scorpions, and other such warlikeengines, expugnatory, and destructive to helepolides. They sharpened staves, pikes, brown bills,halberts, long hooks, lances, assagays, quarterstaves,eel - spears, partisans, clubs, battle-axes, maces, darts,dartlets, glaives, javelins, javelots, and truncheons.They set edges upon scimetars, cutlasses, badelaires,back- swords, tucks, rapiers, bayonets, arrow-heads,PANTAGRUEL. 117·dags, daggers, mandousians, poniards, whynyards,knives, skenes, sables, and raillons. Every man.exercised his weapon, every man scoured off therust from his hanger: nor was there a womanamongst them, though never so prudish or old,who made not her harness to be well furnished;as you know the Corinthian women of old werereputed very courageous combatants.Diogenes seeing them all so warm at work, andhimself not employed by the magistrates in anybusiness whatsoever, he did very seriously, formany days together, without speaking one word,consider and contemplate the countenances of hisfellow-citizens.Then on a sudden , as if he had been roused upand inspired by a martial spirit, he girded hiscloak, scarf-wise, tucked up his sleeves to theelbow, trussed himself like a clown in an orchard,and giving to an old campanion his wallet, books,and papers, away went he out of town towards alittle hill or promontory of Corinth, called Craneum,and there, on a level place, did he roll the earthentub which served him for a house against the injuries of the weather; there, I say, in great vehemency of spirit , unfolding his arms, did he turn it,veer it, jumble it, harrow it, shuffle it, upset it, beatit, shove it, torment it, to turn it upside down, to rollit at his feet, to dip it, to tap it, to ring it, to caulkit, to uncaulk it, to spoil it, to bang it, to mess it,118 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.to brangle it, to sink it, to push it, to shake it, tostart it, to lift it, to wash it, to shut it, to clog it, topoint it, to block it, to bustle it, to pick it up, tobatter it, to repair it, to sharpen it, to cleanse it, toarm it, guisarmed it, harnessed it, plumed it, caparisoned it, rolled it down the hill; then carried it tothe top again, like Sisyphus with his stone, so thathe nearly banged the bottom out.One of his friends seeing this, asked him whatmoved him so to torment his body, his spirit, andhis tub. The philosopher's answer was, that, notbeing employed in any other charge by the Republic, he in this fashion thundered upon his tub,that, amongst a people so fervently busy, and earnest at work, he alone might not seem a loitererand idler. To the same purpose may I say ofmyself—Though I be rid from fear,I am not void of care.For perceiving no account to be made of meworthy of any trust, and considering that throughall the parts of this most noble kingdom of France,both on this and on the other side of the mountains, every one is most diligently exercised andbusied, some in the fortifying of their own nativecountry, for its defence, others in the repulse oftheir enemies by an offensive war; and all thiswith a policy so excellent, and such admirablePANTAGRUEL. 119order, so manifestly profitable for the future,whereby France shall be superbly bounded, andFrenchmen assured of rest, that very little withholds me from the opinion of good Heracl*tus,which affirmeth war to be the father of all goodthings; and therefore do I believe that war is inLatin called Bellum, and not by antiphrasis, assome patchers of old rusty Latin would have us tothink, because in war there is little beauty to beseen; but absolutely and simply, for that in warappeareth all that is good and graceful, and thatby the wars is purged out all manner of wickedness and deformity. For proof whereof the wiseand pacific Solomon could no better represent theunspeakable perfection of the divine wisdom, thanby comparing it to the due disposure and rankingof an army in battle array, well provided andordered.Therefore, by reason of my weakness and inability, being reputed by my compatriots unfit forthe offensive part of warfare; and, on the otherside, being no way employed in matter of thedefensive, although it had been but to carry abasket, fill a ditch, or break a clod, either whereofhad been to me indifferent, —I held it not a littledisgraceful to be only an idle spectator of so manyvalorous, eloquent, and warlike persons, who in theview and sight of all Europe act this notable interlude and tragi-comedy, and not exert myself, and120 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.contribute thereto this nothing, my all, which remained to me. In my opinion, little honour isdue to such as are mere lookers - on, and of theirstrength parsimonious; who conceal their crownsand hide their silver; scratch their head with onefinger like gaping clowns, yawn at the flies liketithe-calves, prick up their ears like Arcadian assesat the melody of musicians, and by gesture ofsilence express their consent to the prosopopeia.Having made this choice and election, I thoughtto make an exercise neither unprofitable nor troublesome to any, if I should set agoing my Diogenicaltub, which is all that is left me from the shipwreckof my former misfortunes. At this wagging of mytub, what would you have me to do? By theVirgin who tucks up her sleeve, I know not asyet. Stay a little, till I suck up a draught of thisbottle; it is my true and only Helicon; it is myCaballine Fountain; it is my sole enthusiasm .Drinking thus, I meditate, discourse, resolve, andconclude. After the epilogue I laugh, I write, Icompose, I drink. Ennius drinking wrote, andwriting drank. Eschylus, if Plutarch in his Symposiacs merit any faith, drank composing, anddrinking composed. Homer never wrote fasting,and Cato never wrote till after he had drank.These passages I have brought before you, to theend you may not say that I live without exampleof men well praised, and better prized.PANTAGRUEL. 121Since then my luck or destiny is such as youhave heard, for it is not for everybody to go toCorinth, I am fully resolved to be so little idle andunprofitable, that I will set myself to serve the oneand the other sort of people. Amongst the diggers,pioneers, and rampart- builders, I will do as didNeptune and Apollo at Troy, under Laomedon,or as did Renault of Montauban in his latter days:I will serve the masons, I will set on the pot toboil for the bricklayers; and, the repast over, Iwill measure with the sound of my bagpipe thesinging of the singers.For the use of the warriors I am about to broachoff a new barrel to give them a taste (which by twoformer volumes of mine, if by the deceitfulness andfalsehood of printers, they had not been jumbledand spoiled, you would have very well relished) ,and draw unto them, of the growth of our ownfrivolous pastimes, a gallant third part of a gallon,and consequently a joyous quart of Pantagrueliansentences. By me' shall you be permitted to callthem Diogenic; and shall have me, seeing I cannot be their fellow- soldier, for their faithful butler,refreshing and cheering, according to my little.power, their return from the alarms of the enemy;and for an indefatigable extoller of their martialexploits and glorious achievements.I remember, nevertheless, to have read, thatPtolemy, the son of Lagus, one day amongst the122 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Hemany spoils and booties which by his victories hehad acquired, presenting to the Egyptians, in theopen view of the people, a Bactrian camel allblack, and a party-coloured slave, in such sort, asthat the one half of his body was black, and theother white, not in partition of breadth by thediaphragm, as was that woman consecrated tothe Indian Venus, whom the Tyanean philosopherdid see between the River Hydaspes and MountCaucasus, but in a perpendicular dimension; whichwere things never before that seen in Egypt.expected by the show of these novelties to win thelove ofthe people. But what happened thereupon?At the production of the camel they were allaffrighted and offended; at the sight of the partycoloured man, some scoffed and others loathed himas a detestable monster brought forth by the errorof nature. In a word, the hope which he had toplease these Egyptians, and by such means to increase the affection which they naturally bore him,slipped out of his hands; and he learned that thingsfair, elegant, and perfect, were more to their tastethan things ridiculous and monstrous. Since whichtime he had both the slave and the camel in suchdislike, that very shortly thereafter, through negligence, and want of ordinary sustenance, they bothexchanged life for death.This example putteth me in a suspense betweenhope and fear, misdoubting that, for the content-•PANTAGRUEL. 123ment which I aim at, I reap what I abhor: mytreasure turns out ashes, and my Venus, Barbet thedog; instead of serving them, I shall but vexthem; instead of making them joyous, I shalloffend them; resembling, in this dubious adventure, Euclion's co*ck, so renowned by Plautus in hisAulularia, and by Ausonius in his Gryphon, and bydivers others; which co*ck, for having by his scraping discovered a treasure, had his throat cut. Putthe case I get no anger by it, though formerlysuch things fell out, and the like may occur again.Yet, by Hercules, it will not. So I perceive inthem all, one and a specific form, and individualproperty, which our ancestors called Pantagruelism;by virtue whereof in bad part never will they takeanything whatever. They will recognise the upspringing of courage good, free, and loyal. I haveseen them ordinarily take goodwill in part of payment, and remain satisfied therewith, when one wasnot able to do better. Having despatched thispoint, I return to my barrel.Up, my lads, to this wine! spare it not! Drinkboys, and trowl it off at full bowls! If you do notthink it good, let it alone. I am not like thoseimportunate lifre lofres, who by force, outrage, andviolence, constrain the company to drink, carouse, and dance, which is worse. All honest tipplers, all honest men with gout, all such as area-dry, coming to this barrel of mine, need not124 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.drink thereof, if it please them not; but if theyhave a mind to it, and that the wine prove agreeable to the taste of their worshipful worships, letthem drink, frankly, freely, and boldly, withoutpaying anything, and spare it not.This is mydecree. And let none fear there shall be anywant of wine, as at the marriage of Cana in Galilee; for just as much as you draw forth at thefaucet, so much shall I turn in at the bung. Thusshall the barrel remain inexhaustible; it hath alively spring and perpetual current. Such was thebeverage contained within the cup of Tantalus-which was figuratively represented among theBrahmin sages. Such was in Iberia the mountainof salt, so celebrated by Cato. Such was the branchof gold consecrated to the subterranean goddess,so celebrated by Virgil. It is a true cornucopiaof joyousness and raillery. If at any time it seemto you to be emptied to the very lees, yet shallit not for all that be drawn wholly dry. Goodhope remains there at the bottom, as in Pandora'sbottle; and not despair, as in the tubs of theDanaids.PANTAGRUEL. 125PANURGE'S PRAISES OF PRODIGALITY.Pantagruel assigned to Panurge the Chatellenie of Salmigondin, which was yearly worth6,789,106,789 royals of certain rent, besides theuncertain revenue of co*ckchafers and snails,amounting, one year with another, to the valueof 2,435,768, or 2,435,769 French crowns of Berry.Sometimes it did amount to 1,234,554,321 seraphs,when it was a good year, and co*ckchafers and snailsin request; but that was not every year.Now the new Chatelain ruled himself so welland prudently, that in less than fourteen dayshe wasted and dilapidated all the certain anduncertain revenue of his Chatellenie for threewhole years. Yet did not he dilapidate it, as youmight say, in founding of monasteries, buildingof churches, erecting of colleges and hospitals, orcasting his bacon to the dogs; but spent it in athousand little banquets and joyous festivals, keeping open house for all comers; yea, to all goodfellows, young girls, and dainty maidens; fellingtimber, burning the great logs for the sale of theashes, borrowing money beforehand, buying dear,selling cheap, and eating his corn in the blade.Pantagruel, being advertised of the affair, wasin no way offended, angry, nor sorry; for I havealready told you, and say it again, that he was the126 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.best, little, great goodman that ever girded a swordto his side. He took all things in good part, andinterpreted every action to the best sense. Henever disquieted himself; he was never scandalised. And he would have abandoned the divinemanor of reason, if he had been grieved or afflicted.For all the goods that the heaven covereth, andthat the earth containeth, in all their dimensions ofheight, depth, breadth, and length, are not worthyof disturbing our affections, our senses and spirits.He only drew Panurge aside, and sweetly represented to him that, if he should continue to livethus, it would prove altogether impossible, or atleast difficult, at any time to make him rich."Rich?" answered Panurge; "have you fixed yourthoughts there? Have you undertaken the task toenrich me in this world? Set your mind to livemerrily in the name of God and good folks. Letno other cark nor care be harboured within thesacro-sanctified domicile of your celestial brain!May the tranquillity thereof be never troubled byany clouds of imagination edged with trouble andworry. For if you live joyful, merry, jocund, andglad, I cannot be but rich enough. Everybodycries up thrift, thrift, but many speak of thrift whoknow not what belongs to it."It is by me that they must be advised. Fromme, therefore, you shall take this advertisem*nt,that what is imputed to me for a vice hath beenPANTAGRUEL. 127done in imitation of the University and Parliament of Paris, places in which is to be found thetrue spring and source of the lively idea of pantheology, and all manner of justice. Heretic is hewho doubteth thereof, and doth not firmly believeit. Yet they in one day eat up their bishop, orthe revenue of the bishopric-is it not all one?—for a whole year; yea, sometimes for two. This isdone on the day he makes his entry, and is installed. Nor is there any place for an excuse; forhe cannot avoid it, unless he would be instantlystoned for his parsimony. It hath also beenesteemed an act flowing from the habit of thefour cardinal virtues." Of Prudence, in borrowing money beforehand;for none knows what may fall out. Who is ableto tell if the world shall last yet three years? Butalthough it should continue longer, is there anyman so foolish as to have the confidence to promisehimself three years?' Onc homme n'eust les dieux tant bien à main,Qu'asseuré feust de vivre au lendemain. '"Of Commutative Justice, in buying dear, I say,upon trust, and selling cheap, that is, for readymoney. What says Cato in his ' Book of Husbandry ' to this purpose? The father of a family,says he, must be a perpetual seller; by whichmeans it is impossible but that at last he shallbecome rich if always lasts the shop.128 READINGS FROM RABELAIS."OfDistributive Justice it doth partake, in givingentertainment to good, yea, good and gentle fellows, whom fortune had shipwrecked, like Ulysses,on the Rock of Good Appetite without provisions;and likewise to good girls, yea, good, and young,yea, young. For according to the sentence ofHippocrates, Youth is impatient of hunger, chieflyif it be vigorous, lively, frolic, brisk, stirring, andbouncing." Of Fortitude, by the cutting down ofthe greattrees, like a second Milo making havoc of thedark forest, serving for shelter to wolves, wildboars, and foxes; receptacles for robbers and murderers, lurking holes for cut - throats, workshopsfor coiners, and retreats for heretics; laying thewoods even and level with the fields and heaths,playing hautboys and bagpipes, and preparingseats for the night of judgment."Of Temperance, in eating my corn whilst it wasbut grass, like a hermit feeding on salad and roots,enfranchising myself from sensual appetites, so thatI might spare for the lame and suffering." In taking this course I save the expense ofweeders, who gain money; of reapers, who drinklustily, and without water; of gleaners, who willexpect their cakes; of threshers, who leave nogarlic, onions, or shallot in our gardens, by theauthority of Thestilis in Virgil; and of the millers,who are commonly thieves; and of the bakers, whoPANTAGRUEL. 129are little better. Is this a small saving? Besidesthe mischief of field - mice, the decay of barns, andthe destruction usually made by weevils and rats." Of corn in the blade, you may make good greensauce, of a light concoction and easy digestion,which recreates your brain, exhilarates the animalspirits, rejoiceth the sight, openeth the appetite,delighteth the taste, comforteth the heart, tickleththe tongue, maketh clear complexion, strengtheneththe muscles, tempers the blood, disburdens themidriff, refresheth the liver, easeth the kidneys,suppleth the reins, quickens the joints ofthe back."" I understand you very well," says Pantagruel;"you would thereby infer that those of a meanspirit and shallow capacity have not the skill tospend much in a short time. You are not the firstwho has conceived this heresy. Nero maintainedit, and above all mortals admired most his uncle,Caius Caligula, for having, in a few days, by mirificinvention, totally spent all the goods and patrimony which Tiberius had left him. "PANURGE IN PRAISE OF DEBT." But," quoth Pantagruel, " when will you be outof debt? "" At the Greek kalends," answered Panurge,I130 READINGS FROM RABELAIS."when all the world shall be content, and you willbe your own heir. The Lord forbid that I shouldbe out of debt! No more should I find one whowould lend me a penny. Who leaves not someleaven overnight, will hardly have paste the nextmorning. Are you indebted to somebody? Byhim will God continually be entreated to grantunto you a blessed, long, and prosperous life;fearing to lose his debt, he will always speak goodof you in every company, always will get newcreditors unto you; to the end, that through themyou may make payment, and with other folk'searth fill up his ditch. When of old in Gaul, bythe institution of the Druids, the servants, slaves,and bondsmen were burned quick at the funeralsand obsequies of their lords and masters, had notthey fear enough, think you, that their lords andmasters should die? For, perforce, they were todie with them for company. Did not they incessantly send up their supplications to their great godMercury, with Dis, the Father of Crownpieces, topreserve them long in health? Were not theyvery careful to entertain them well, punctually tolook unto them, and to attend them faithfully andcirc*mspectly? For by those means they were tolive together at least until the hour of death. Believe me, your creditors, with even more ferventdevotion, will beseech God that you may live,being of nothing more afraid than that you shouldPANTAGRUEL. 131die; as it evidently appeareth by the usurers ofLanderousse, who not long since hanged themselves, because the price of corn and wines wasfallen, by the return of a gracious season." Tothis Pantagruel answering nothing, Panurge wenton his discourse, saying, " Truly, when I thinkupon it, you run full tilt at me, in twitting me withmy debts and creditors. Dea! In this only respect do I esteem myself worshipful, reverend, andformidable. For against the opinion of most philosophers, that of nothing ariseth nothing, did I outof nothing become a maker and creator; I havecreated, -what?—so many fair and jolly creditors.Creditors, I will maintain it, even to the fire exclusively, are fair and goodly creatures. Who lendeth nothing is an ugly and wicked creature, andan imp of the Infernal Lord, Old Nick. Andthere is made-what? Debts. Athing rare andancient. Debts, I say, exceeding the number ofsyllables which may result from the combinationsof all the consonants, with the vowels heretoforeprojected and calculated by the noble Xenocrates.You will not err in practical arithmetic if you estimate the perfection of debtors by the numerosityof creditors.66 Imagine how glad I am, when every morning Iperceive myself surrounded by these creditors, sohumble, fawning, and full of reverences. Andwhilst I remark that if I give to one cheerfuller132 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.countenance and better cheer than to another, thefellow thinks that he shall be the first despatched,and the foremost in the date of payment; and hevalueth my smiles at the rate of ready money. Itseemeth unto me, that I then act and personatethe god of the Passion in the Mystery at Saumur,accompanied by his angels and cherubims."These are my candidates, my parasites, my saluters, my givers of good-morrows, my perpetualorators. And I verily think, that the Mountain ofHeroic Virtue, described by Hesiod, consisteth indebts, wherein I held the first degree in my Commencement. Which dignity few, because of thedifficulties in the way, are able to reach; as iseasily perceivable by the ardent desire and vehement longing of every one to make more debtsand new creditors."Nevertheless, he is not always a debtor whowishes he does not always make creditors whodesires. You, however, would push me out of thissovereign felicity: you ask me when I will beout of debt. Well, there are worse things; maySaint Babolin, the good saint, snatch me, if I havenot all my lifetime held debt to be as a connectionor tie between the heavens and the earth; the onlybond of union of the human race; yea, without itthe whole progeny of Adam would soon perish;even, perhaps, it is the great soul of the universe,which, according to the Academics, vivifieth allPANTAGRUEL. 133things. In confirmation whereof, that you may thebetter believe it to be so, represent unto yourself,without any prejudice of spirit, in a clear and serenefancy, the idea and form of some other world thanthis; take, if you please, the thirtieth of those whichthe philosopher Metrodorus did imagine, wherein itis to be supposed there is no debtor or creditor."A world without debts! There amongst theplanets will be no regular course, all will be in disorder. Jupiter, reckoning himself to be nothingindebted unto Saturn , will thrust him out of hissphere, and with the Homeric chain will be like tohang up the Intelligences, Gods, Heavens, Demons,Heroes, Genies, Devils, Earth, and Sea -all theelements. Saturn will combine with Mars, andwill put all the world into perturbation."Mercury then will be no more subjected to theother planets; he will be no longer their Camillus,as he was of old termed in the Etruscan tongue.For he is no way a debtor to them."Venus will be no more venerated, because sheshall have lent nothing. The moon will remainbloody and obscure. For to what end should thesun impart unto her his light? He would oweher nothing. The sun will not shine upon theearth, nor the stars send down any good influence,because the terrestrial globe desisted from sendingtheir nourishment by vapours and , exhalations,wherewith Heracl*tus said, the Stoics proved,up134 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Cicero maintained, they were cherished and alimented. Among the elements there will be nosymbolisation, alteration, nor transmutation; forthe one will not esteem itself obliged to the other,as having borrowed nothing at all from it. Earththen will not become water, water will not bechanged into air, of air will be made no fire, andfire will afford no heat unto the earth; the earthwill produce nothing but monsters, Titans, giants;no rain will descend upon it, nor light shine thereon;no wind will blow there, nor will there be in it anysummer or harvest. Lucifer will break loose, andissuing forth of the depth of hell, accompanied withhis furies, fiends, and horned devils, will drive out ofheaven all the gods, as well of the greater as of thelesser nations. Such a world without lending willbe no better than a dog-kennel, more unruly andirregular than that of the Rector of Paris; a devilof a hurly-burly, worse than that of the games ofDoué. Men will not then salute one another; itwill be but lost labour to cry for aid or succourfrom any, or to cry fire, water, murder, for nonewill put to their helping hand. Why? He lentno money, there is nothing due to him. Nobodyis concerned in his burning, in his shipwreck, in hisruin, or in his death; and that because he hithertohas lent nothing, and would never thereafter havelent anything. In short, Faith, Hope, and Charitywill be quite banished from such a world,-for menPANTAGRUEL.. 135are born to relieve and assist one another; and intheir stead will succeed and be introduced Defiance,Disdain, and Rancour, with the cohort of all evils,all imprecations, and all miseries. Whereupon youwill think, and that not amiss, that Pandora hasspilt her bottle. Men unto men will be wolves,were-wolves, and goblins ( as were Lycaon, Bellerophon, Nabuchodonosor, ) brigands, murderers, poisoners, assassins, lewd, wicked, malevolent, full ofhatred, set against everybody, like to Ishmael, Metabus, or Timon the Athenian, who for that causewas named Misanthropos; in such sort, that itwould be easier in nature to have fish entertainedin the air, and bullocks fed at the bottom of theocean, than to support or tolerate a rascally worldthat will not lend. These fellows, I vow, do I hatewith a perfect hatred; and if, after the pattern ofthis grievous and perverse world which lendethnothing, you figure and liken the little world, whichis man, you will find in him a terrible clutter. Thehead will not lend the sight of his eyes to guide thefeet and hands; the feet will refuse to carry thehead; the hands will leave off working for it; theheart will be weary of its continual motion for thepulse of the members, and will no longer lend hisassistance; the lungs will withdraw the use of theirbellows; the liver will send it no more blood forthe good of the whole. The brains, in the interim,considering this unnatural course, will fall into136 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.moodiness, and withhold feeling from the sinews,and motion from the muscles. Briefly, in this disordered world, owing nothing, lending nothing,borrowing nothing, you will see a more dangerousconspiration than that which Æsop exposed in hisapologue. And without doubt it will perish; andnot only perish, but perish very quickly, were itEsculapius himself. The body will immediatelyrot, and the chafing soul, full of indignation, takeits flight to all the devils after my money."On the contrary, be pleased to represent untoyour fancy another world, wherein every one lendeth, and every one oweth, all are debtors, and allcreditors. O how great will be the harmonyamong the regular motions of the heavens! Methinks I hear it every whit as well as ever Platodid. What sympathy among the elements! Ohow delectable then unto nature will be her ownworks and productions! Ceres laden with corn,Bacchus with wines, Flora with flowers, Pomonawith fruits, and Juno fair in a clear air, wholesomeand pleasant—I lose myself in this contemplation." Among mankind, peace, love, affection, fidelity,rest, banquets, feastings, joy, gladness, gold, silver,small money, chains, rings, merchandise, will trotfrom hand to hand. No suits at law, no wars, nostrife; none will be there a usurer, none will bea pinch-penny, a miser, or refuser. O true God!will not this be the golden age, the reign of Saturn,PANTAGRUEL. 137the true idea of the Olympic regions, wherein allother virtues cease, charity alone ruleth, governeth,domineereth, and triumpheth? All will be good,all will be fair, all will be just."O happy world! O people of that world mosthappy! Yea, thrice and four times blessed is thatpeople! I think I am amongst them! I swear toyou, by my good forsooth, that if this gloriousaforesaid world had a pope, abounding with cardinals, and associated with a sacred college, in afew years you would see the saints thicker on theroll, more miraculous, with more lessons at theirservices, more vows, more staves and wax- candlesthan are all those in the nine bishoprics of Brittany,St Yves only excepted. Consider, sir, I pray you,how the noble Patelin, having a mind to deify, andextol even to the third heavens, the father of Guillaume Jousseaulme, said no more but this-'Et si prestoitLes denrées à qui en vouloit.'"O the fine saying! After this pattern conceiveour microcosm, that is, man, in all his members,lending, borrowing, and owing, that is to say, according to its own nature. For nature hath not toany other end created man, but to owe, borrow,and lend; no greater is the harmony amongst theheavens, than that of this well-ordered policy. Theintention of the founder of this microcosm is138 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.therein to entertain the soul which is lodged there,as a guest with its host. Life consisteth in blood;blood is the seat of the soul; therefore the chiefwork ofthe microcosm is, to be making blood continually."At this forge are exercised all the members,each in its proper office. And such is their hierarchy, that perpetually the one borrows from theother, the one lends the other, and the one is theother's debtor. The stuff and matter convenientto be turned into blood is given by nature—namely, bread and wine. All kind of nourishingvictuals is understood to be comprehended in thesetwo. To find out this meat and drink, to prepareand boil it, the hands are put to work, the feet dowalk and bear up the whole machine; the eyesguide all; the appetite in the orifice of the stomach,by means of a little sour melancholy, which istransmitted thereto from the milt, giveth warningto put the food in the oven. The tongue dothmake the first essay, and tastes it; the teeth dochaw it, and the stomach doth receive, digest, andchilify it. The mesaraic veins suck out of it whatis good and fit. Thereafter it is carried to theliver, where it being changed again, it by the virtueof that new transmutation becomes blood. Whatjoy, conjecture you, will then be found amongstthose officers, when they see this rivulet of gold,which is their sole restorative? No greater is thePANTAGRUEL. 139joy of alchymists, when, after long travail, greattoil, and expense, they see in their furnaces thetransmutation. Then is it that every member dothprepare itself, and strive anew to purify and torefine this treasure. The kidneys, through theemulgent veins, draw out that aquosity. Thespleen draweth from the blood its terrestrial part,and the lees which you term melancholy. Thebottle of the gall subtracts from thence all thesuperfluous choler; whence it is brought to another shop or workhouse to be yet better purified and fined, that is the heart, which by itsdiastolic and systolic motions subtiliseth and inflameth it, so that on the right side ventrical itis brought to perfection, and through the veinsis sent to all the members. Each parcel of thebody draws it then unto itself, and after its ownfashion is cherished and alimented by it, feet,hands, eyes -yea, all; and then it is that whobefore were lenders now become debtors. Theheart doth in its left side ventrical so thin theblood, that it thereby obtains the name of spiritual;which being sent through the arteries to all themembers of the body, serveth to warm and winnow the other blood which runneth through theveins. The lungs never cease with lobes and bellows to refresh it; in acknowledgment of whichgood the heart, through the arterial vein, impartsunto it the choicest of its blood. At last it is-140 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.made so fine and subtle within the marvellous net,that thereafter those animal spirits are framed andcomposed of it; by means whereof it imagines,discourses, judges, resolves, deliberates, ratiocinateth, and remembereth.Vertuguoy! I drown, I perish, I wander astray,when I enter into the profound abyss of thisworld, thus lending, thus owing. Believe me, itis a divine thing to lend; to owe, a heroic virtue. Yet is not this all. This world thus lending, owing, and borrowing, is so good and charitable, that no sooner is the above- specified alimentation finished, but that it forthwith projecteth tolend to those who are not as yet born, and by thatloan to perpetuate itself, and multiply in imageslike unto itself—that is, children. "PANURGE'S STRANGE DESIRE.Panurge, the day after, caused pierce his rightear, after the Jewish fashion, and thereto claspeda little gold ring, of inlaid work, in the stonewhereof was enchased a flea; and to the end youmay be rid of all doubts, know that the flea wasblack. It is a fine thing to be in all cases wellinformed.He then took four French ells of russet clothPANTAGRUEL. 141and therein apparelled himself, as with a longsingle-stitched gown, left off the wearing of hisbreeches, and tied a pair of spectacles to his cap.In this equipage did he present himself beforePantagruel; who, not understanding the mystery,asked him what he did intend to personate in thatnew-fangled prosopopeia?"I have," answered Panurge, " a flea in mine ear,and have a mind to marry.""In a good time be it," said Pantagruel, "youhave told me joyful tidings. Yet would not I hold ared-hot iron in my hand for all that. But it is notthe fashion of lovers to be accoutred in such dangling vestments, to have their shirts hanging overtheir knees, without breeches, and with a long robeof russet, which is a colour never used in longgarments among persons of quality or virtue. ""The colour," answered Panurge, " is convenient,therefore will I henceforth hold me with it , and,more narrowly and circ*mspectly than ever hithertoI have done, look to my affairs and business. Seeing I am once out of debt, you never yet saw manmore unpleasing than I shall be, if God help menot. Lo, here be my spectacles. I believe certainly, that in the next ensuing year I shall oncemore preach the crusade. Do you see this russet?Doubt not but there lurketh under it some occultvirtue, known to very few in the world. I onlytook it before this morning; and nevertheless am142 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.already mad after a wife. O the provident andthrifty husband that I shall be! After my death,with all honour and respect due to the perfecthusband, will they burn me with an honourablefuneral, on purpose to preserve my ashes. Lookupon me, sir, both before and behind, -it is madeafter the manner of a toga, which was the ancientfashion of the Romans in time of peace. I tookthe shape thereof from Trajan's Column at Rome,and the Triumphal Arch of Septimus Severus. Iam tired of the wars, weary of wearing buff- coatsand hoquetons. My shoulders are worn with thecarrying of harness. Let arms cease, and thelong robe bear sway! At least it must be sofor the whole space of the succeeding year, if Ibe married; as yesterday, by the Mosaic law, youevidenced."Panurge thereupon fetching a deep sigh, said,"My lord and master, you have now heard thedesign I am upon, which is to marry. I humblybeseech you, for the affection which of a long timeyou have borne me, to give me your best advicethereon. """' Then," answered Pantagruel, " seeing you haveso decreed and taken deliberation thereon, andthat the matter is fully determined, what needis there of any further talk thereof? It onlyremains to put into execution what you haveresolved. "PANTAGRUEL. 143""Yea, but," quoth Panurge, " I would be loathto put it into execution without your counsel andadvice.""It is my judgment also," quoth Pantagruel,"and I advise you to it."I"Nevertheless," quoth Panurge, "if you thinkthat it were better for me to remain as I am,would rather choose not to marry.""Then," said Pantagruel, " do not marry.""Yea, but," quoth Panurge, " would you haveme thus remain alone without conjugal company?You know it is written, Va soli! and a singleperson is never seen to reap the joy and solacethat is found with married folks.""Marry, then, in the name of God," said Pantagruel." But if," said Panurge, " my wife were unfaithful-plenty of such there are-it would be enough tomake me die for want of patience. This is a pointwhich troubles me."" Then do not marry," said Pantagruel, " for themaxim of Seneca is true without exception: ' Whatthou hast done to another, that shall be done untothee.'"Say you," said Panurge, " without any exception? ""Without exception, it is said. "" Ho! ho! " replied Panurge, " de par le petitdiable, he means in this world or the next. But if144 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.it were the will of God, and that my destiny didlead me to marry an honest woman, who shouldbeat me, I would be more than two third-parts ofJob if I were not stark mad by it. For it hathbeen told me that these exceeding honest womenhave ordinarily very wicked headpieces; thereforeis it that their family lacketh not for good vinegar.Yet in that case should it go worse with me, if Idid not then in such sort bang her arms, legs, head,lights, and liver, and milt, and so mangle her coats,that the great devil himself should wait at the gatefor the reception of her lost soul. I could make ashift for this year to waive such molestation, andbe content not to be engaged in it.""Do not marry, then," answered Pantagruel."Yea, but," quoth Panurge, " considering thecondition wherein I now am, out of debt and unmarried; mark what I say, free from all debt, inan evil hour! for, were I deeply in debt, my creditors would be but too careful of my paternity.But being free, and not married, nobody will be soregardful of me, or carry towards me a love likethat which is said to be in a conjugal affection. Andif by some mishap I should fall sick, I wouldbe looked to very waywardly. The wise mansaith, 'Where there is no woman, I mean themother of a family, and in lawful wedlock, the sickman groans in vain.' I have seen clear experiencein popes, legates, cardinals, bishops, abbots, priors,PANTAGRUEL. 145and monks; but there, assure yourself, you shallnot find me.""Marry, then, in the name of God," answeredPantagruel."Your counsel," quoth Panurge, " under correction, seemeth unto me not unlike to the song ofRicochet. It is full of sarcasms, mockeries, playson words, quips, and contradictory iterations. Onedestroys another. I know not which of all youranswers to lay hold on. ""Good reason why," quoth Pantagruel; " foryour proposals are so full of ifs and buts, that Ican ground nothing on them, nor pitch upon anysolid solution. Are not you assured within yourself of what you have a mind to? The main pointlieth there. All the rest is casual, and dependethupon the fatal disposition of the heavens."We see some so happy in this encounter, that intheir marriage there seems to shine some idea andrepresentation of the joys of paradise. Others,again, are so unhappy, that the devils which temptthe hermits of Thebais and Montserrat are notmore miserable than they. One must enter uponthis adventure eyes banded, with bowed heads,kissing the ground, and recommending ourself toGod for the rest, if our will engage upon it. Itlieth not in my power to give you any other manner of assurance. Nevertheless, if it please you,this you may do. Bring hither Virgil's poems, andK146 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.after opening the book three times, we will, according to the number agreed upon between ourselves,explore the future hap of your marriage. For, byHomeric lot, have some hit upon their destinies;as is testified in the person of Socrates, who, whilsthe was in prison, hearing the recitation of this verseof Homer, said of Achilles (Iliad, ix. 363) —"Ηματί κε τριτάτω Φθίην ἐρίβωλον ἱκοίμην .'We, the third day, to fertile Phthia came; 'thereby foresaw that on the third subsequent dayhe was to die. Of the truth whereof he assuredÆschines; as Plato, in Critone; Cicero, in primo deDivinatione; and Diogenes Laertius, have recorded.Witness also Opilius Macrinus, to whom, beingdesirous to know if he should be the Romanemperor, befell, by chance of lot, this sentence(Iliad, viii. 102)—“ Ω γέρον, ἢ μάλα δὴ σε νέοι τείρουσι μαχηταὶ ,Σὴ δὲ βίη λέλυται, χαλεπὸν δὲ σε γῆρας ὀπάζει.'Dotard, new warriors urge thee to be gone;Thy life decays, and old age weighs thee down.'In fact, he, being then old, had hardly enjoyedthe sovereignty of the empire for the space offourteen months, when by Heliogabulus, then bothyoung and strong, he was dispossessed thereof andkilled . Witness also Brutus, who, willing to learnbeforehand the event of the Pharsalian battle,PANTAGRUEL. 147wherein he perished, lit upon this verse, said ofPatroclus (Iliad, xvi. 849)—“ Αλλά με μοιρ' ὀλοὴ, καὶ Λατοῦς ἔκτανεν ὑιὸς.' Fate, and Latona's son have shot me dead. 'And accordingly, Apollo was the field-word inthe day of that fight. Divers notable things of oldhave likewise been foretold and known by castingof Virgilian lots; yea, in matters of no less importance than the obtaining of the Roman empire, asit happened to Alexander Severus, who, trying hisfortune at the said kind of lottery, did hit uponthis verse (Æneid, vi. 857)—6' Tu regere imperio populos, Romane, memento.'Know, Roman, that thy business is to reign.'He within a few years thereafter was effectually and in earnest created Roman emperor.Witness also Adrian, the Roman emperor, who,being in doubt and pain to know what opinion ofhim Trajan entertained, and what affection hebore towards him, had recourse to the Sortes Virgiliana, and came upon these verses (Æneid, vi.809)-'Quis procul ille autem ramis insignis olivæ,Sacra ferens? Nosco crines, incanaque mentaRegis Romani. '' But who is he, conspicuous from afar,With olive boughs, that doth his offerings bear?By the white hair and beard I know him plain,The Roman King. '148 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Shortly thereafter was he adopted by Trajan,and suceeded to him in the empire."Moreover, to the lot of the praiseworthyemperor Claudius the Second befell this line(Æneid, i. 269)—' Tertia dum Latio regnantem viderit æstas.''Whilst the third summer saw him reign a kingIn Latium .'And in effect he did not reign above two years."To the said Claudius also, inquiring concerninghis brother Quintilius, whom he proposed as acolleague with himself in the empire, happened thisresponse (Æneid, vi. 869)—' Ostendent terris hunc tantum fata, '-'Whom fate just let us see,And would no longer suffer him to be.'And so it fell out; for he was killed on theseventeenth day after he had attained unto themanagement of the empire."The very same lot also, with the like misluck,did betide the emperor Gordian the younger."To Clodius Albinus, being very solicitous tounderstand somewhat of his future adventures, didoccur this saying (Æneid, vi. 858)—' Hic rem Romanam, magno turbante tumultuSistet; eques sternet Pænos, Gallumque rebellem . '' The Romans boiling with tumultuous rage,This warrior shall the dangerous storm assuage;With victories he the Carthaginian mauls,And with strong hand shall crush the rebel Gauls.'PANTAGRUEL. 149"Likewise when the above - named emperorClaudius, Aurelian's predecessor, did search afterthe fate of his posterity, his hap was to alight onthis verse (Æneid, i . 278)—4Hic ego nec metas rerum, nec tempora pono. ''No bounds are to be set, no limits here.'Which was fulfilled by the goodly genealogical rowof his race."CWhen M. Pierre Amy did explore if he shouldescape the ambush of the hobgoblins, he fell uponthis verse (Æneid, iii. 44)—' Heu! fuge crudeles terras, fuge littus avarum! ''Ah, flee the bloody land, the wicked shore! 'Thus he escaped from their hands safe and sound."A thousand other adventures, to narrate whichwould be prolix, has happened according to thesentence of the verses chanced upon. Nevertheless I do not infer that the lot is infallible, so thatyou may not be abused by it.""It would be sooner done," quoth Panurge, " andmore expeditely with three fair dice.""No," replied Pantagruel-" that sort of lotteryis deceitful, illicit, and scandalous; never trust init. The accursed book of the Recreation of Dicewas a great while ago invented in Achaia nearBura, by the Enemy of mankind, who, before thestatue of the Buraïc Hercules, did of old, and doth150 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Youin several places of the world, as yet, make manysimple souls to err and fall into his snares.know how my father Gargantua hath forbidden itover all his kingdoms and dominions; how hehath caused to burn the moulds, and altogethersuppressed, abolished, and cast it out of the land.as a very dangerous plague."Nevertheless, to satisfy your humour in somemeasure, I am content you throw three dice uponthis table, that, according to the number of the pipsturned up, we will take the verse in that pagewhich you shall open. Have you any dice inyour pocket? ""A whole bagful," answered Panurge.Withthis the three dice being taken out and thrown,and the cast was five, six, and five. " That makes,"quoth Panurge, " sixteen in all. Let us take thesixteenth line of the page. The number pleases;I think that we shall have a prosperous chance.""Of that, forsooth, I make no doubt at all,"quoth Pantagruel.He had no sooner spoke these words, than theworks of Virgil were brought in. But before thebook was laid open, Panurge said to Pantagruel,'My heart beats within me like a mitten. Touchmy pulse a little on this artery of my left arm.At its frequent rise and fall you would say thatthey belabour me after the manner of a probationer ofthe Sorbonists. But would you not holdPANTAGRUEL. 151it expedient, before we proceed any further, thatwe should invocate Hercules and the Tenetiangoddesses, who in the chamber of lots are said.to rule, sit in judgment, and bear a presidentialsway?"66"Neither him nor them," answered Pantagruel;' only open up the leaves of the book with yournail."Then at the opening ofthe book, at the sixteenthline, did Panurge encounter upon this followingverse (Virg. Ecl. , iv. 63) —"Nec Deus hunc mensa, Dea nec dignata cubili est. ""6'The god him from his table banished,Nor would the goddess have him in her bed.""This response," quoth Pantagruel, " makethnot very much for your benefit or advantage.The goddess, whom you shall not find favourableunto you, is Minerva, a most redoubtable virgin, apowerful goddess. The god is Jupiter, terribleand thunder- striking god. And you will noticethat, by the doctrine of the ancient Etruscans,the manubies, for so did they call the hurling ofthe Vulcanic thunderbolts, did only appertainto her, and to Jupiter her father capital. Thiswas verified in the conflagration of the ships ofAjax Oileus, nor doth this fulminating powerbelong to any other of the Olympic gods. Men,therefore, stand not in such fear of them. More-152 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.over I will tell you, and you may take it as extracted from high mythology, that, when the giantsundertook to wage war against the gods, these atfirst did laugh at these enemies, who were, in theirconceit, not strong enough to cope with their pages;but when they saw by the gigantic labour the highhill Pelion set on lofty Ossa, and that the mountOlympus was made shake, in order to be erectedon the top of both; then did they all stand aghast." Then was it that Jupiter held a general chapter,wherein it was unanimously resolved upon thatthey should valiantly stand to their defence. Andbecause they had often seen battles lost by thehindrances of women, it was decreed that theyshould expel and drive out of heaven into Egypt andthe confines of Nile the whole crowd of goddesses,disguised in the shapes of weasels, polecats, bats,frogs, and other suchlike transformations, onlyMinerva was reserved to participate with Jupiterin the horrific fulminating power; as being thegoddess both of war and learning, of arts andarms, of counsel and despatch; a goddess armedfrom her birth, a goddess dreaded in heaven, inthe air, by sea and land.""Ventre sus ventre! " quoth Panurge, " should Ithen be Vulcan, whom the poet blazons? Nay, Iam neither a cripple, coiner of false money, norblacksmith, as he was. My wife possibly will beas comely and handsome as ever was his Venus,PANTAGRUEL. 153but not ribaude as she, nor I like him. For thiscause ought you to interpret the verse thus. Thislot importeth, that my wife will be honest, virtuous,and faithful; not armed, hair- brained , or extractedout of brains, as was the goddess Pallas; nor shallthis fair jolly Jupiter be my co-rival.""Hold there," said Pantagruel; " soft and fairmy lad! turn over the leaves for the second time. "Then did he fall upon this ensuing verse-" Membra quatit, gelidusque coït formidine sanguis. ""His joints and members quake, he becomes pale,And sudden fear doth his cold blood congeal. ""This importeth," quoth Pantagruel, " that shewill well and soundly bang you back and front.""Clean and quite contrary," answered Panurge;"it is of me that he prognosticates, in saying thatI will beat her like a tiger, if she vex me."" You are very stout," says Pantagruel; " Hercules himself durst hardly adventure to scufflewith you in this your fury."Thereafter did he hit, at the third opening ofthebook, upon this verse-"Fœmineo prædæ, et spoliorum ardebat amore.""After the spoil and pillage, as in fire,He burnt with a strong feminine desire. ""This portendeth," quoth Pantagruel, " that shewill rob you; and I see you very well fobbed according to the three lots. Hence this, according to154 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.these three drawn lots, will be your future destiny,-I clearly see it: your wife will be unfaithful, youwill be beaten, and you will be robbed."66' Nay, it is quite otherwise," quoth Panurge,"for it is certain that this verse presageth thatshe will love me with a perfect liking. Nor didthe satirist lie in proof hereof, when he affirmedthat a woman, burning with extreme affection,takes sometimes pleasure to steal from her sweetheart. And what, I pray you? A glove, a point,to make him search for it. In like manner, thesesmall debates and petty brabbling contentions,which frequently we see spring up betwixt lovers,are new refreshments and spurs of love. As, forexample, we do sometimes see cutlers hammertheir whetstones, therewith to sharpen their toolsthe better. And therefore do I think, that thesethree lots make much for my advantage. If not, Iappeal from their sentence."" There is no appeal," said Pantagruel, " fromthe decrees of fate and fortune: as is recorded byour ancient lawyers, witness Baldus, Lib. ult. Cap.de Leg. The reason hereof is, fortune doth notacknowledge a superior, to whom an appeal maybe made from her, or any of her lots."PANTAGRUEL. 155THE TRIAL BY DREAMS."Now, seeing we cannot agree together in themanner of expounding the Virgilian lots, let us tryanother way of divination. ""Of what kind? " asked Panurge."Of a good ancient and authentic fashion,"answered Pantagruel; " it is by dreams. For indreaming, with the conditions described by Hippocrates, Plato, Plotinus, Iamblicus, Sinesius, Aristotle, Xenophon, Galen, Plutarch, Artemidorus,Daldianus, Herophilus, Q. Calaber, Theocritus,Pliny, Athenæus, and others, the soul doth oftentimes foresee what is to come. There is no need toprove this to you at length. You may understand it by a familiar example; as when you seethat at such a time as babes, well cleaned, fed, andfostered, sleep soundly, the nurses can meanwhiledisport themselves, and are free for the time to dowhat they wish, their presence at the cradle beingunnecessary. Even just so, when our body sleeps,the soul being no more necessary to it until thewaking, delighteth itself, and revisiteth its nativecountry, which is heaven, where it receiveth a mostnotable participation of its first and divine origin;and in contemplation of that infinite sphere, whereof the centre is everywhere and the circumferencenowhere (to wit, God, according to the doctrine of156 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Hermes Trismegistus)-to whom no newthing happeneth, whom nothing that is past escapeth, andunto whom all things are alike present-it remarketh not only what is past, in inferior movements, but withal taketh notice what is to come;then bringing these things unto the body bythe outward senses and exterior organs, exposingthem unto others, is called foreteller and prophet.True it is that the soul doth not report thosethings in such sincerity as it hath seen them, byreason of the imperfection and frailty of the corporeal senses; just as the moon, receiving lightfrom the sun, doth not communicate it unto us sobright, so pure, so hot and burning as she receivedit. Here it is requisite that a dexterous, learned,skilful, wise, industrious, expert, rational, and peremptory expounder or interpreter be pitched upon.For this cause Heracl*tus was wont to say, thatnothing is by dreams revealed to us, that nothingis by dreams concealed from us, and that only wethereby have a signification and evidence of thingsto come, either for our own good or evil fortune,or for the good or evil fortune of another."Fail not therefore to-morrow, when the joyousAurora with the rosy fingers chaseth the darkness of night, to apply yourself to dream profoundly. In the meanwhile divest your mind ofevery human passion or affection, such as are loveand hatred, fear and hope; for as of old the greatPANTAGRUEL. 157vaticinator Proteus, being disguised, transformedinto fire, water, a tiger, a dragon, and other suchlike uncouth shapes, could not presage anythingthat was to come, till he was restored to his properand kindly form, -just so man cannot receive thedivine gift of prophecy unless the part within himwhich is divine—I mean the vous, or mind-is calm,peaceable, untroubled, quiet, still, and not distracted with foreign passions and affections. ""I am content," quoth Panurge.evening eat much or little? I do not ask thiswithout cause. For if I sup not well and amply,my sleeping all night is worth nothing. I do butdose and rave, and my dreams are as hollow as mystomach. ""Must I this"Not to sup," answered Pantagruel, “ were bestfor you, considering the constitution of your body.A certain ancient prophet named Amphiaraus,wished such as had a mind by dreams to be imbued with any oracles, for four-and-twenty hoursto taste no victuals, and to abstain from wine threedays together. Yet shall not you be put to sucha rigorous and extreme diet. I believe that a manwhose stomach is replete with various cheer, andsurfeited with drinking, is hardly able to conceivearight of spiritual things; yet am not I of theopinion of those who, after long and pertinaciousfastings, think by such means to enter more profoundly into the speculation of celestial mysteries.158 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.You may very well remember how my fatherGargantua (whom here for honour sake I name)hath often told us, that the writings of abstinent,abstemious, and long-fasting hermits were everywhit as saltless , jejune, and insipid as were theirbodies when they did compose them. Difficult itis for the spirits to be serene and lively when thebody is in inanition; seeing the philosophers andphysicians affirm, that the animal spirits springfrom, and have their constant practice in andthrough, the arterial blood, refined and purified tothe life within the admirable net which lieth underthe ventricles of the brain. You shall eat goodpears, bon Chrétien and bergamot, one king pippin,plums of Tours, and a few cherries from myorchard. Nor shall you need to fear that thereupon will ensue doubtful dreams, fallacious, uncertain, as by some peripatetic philosophers hath beenrelated; for that, say they, men do more copiouslyin the season of harvest feed on fruitages, than anyother time. As for your drink, you are to have itofthe fair pure water of my fountain. ""The condition, " quoth Panurge, “ is very hard.Nevertheless, cost what price it will, or whatsoevercome of it, I heartily condescend thereto; protesting that I shall to - morrow break my fast betimes, after my dreams. Furthermore, I recommend myself to Homer's two gates, to Morpheus,to Icellon, to Phantasus, and unto Phobetor. IfPANTAGRUEL. 159they in my need aid and succour me, I will erectto them a joyous altar, composed of the softestdown."Then did he thus say unto Pantagruel: "Wereit not expedient for my purpose to put a branch ortwo of laurel under my pillow? ""There is no need at all of that, " quoth Pantagruel; " it is a thing very superstitious. The cheatthereof hath been discovered unto us in the writings of Serapion Ascalonites, Antiphon, Philochorus, Artemon, and Fulgentius Planciades. Icould say as much to you of the left shoulder of acrocodile, as also of a chameleon, saving our respectto old Democritus; and likewise of the stone ofthe Bactrians, called Eumetrides, and of the hornof Ammon; for so by the Æthiopians is termed acertain precious stone, coloured like gold, and inthe fashion, shape, form and proportion of a ram'shorn, as the horn of Jupiter Ammon is reportedto have been: they over and above assuredlyaffirming, that the dreams of those who carry itabout them are no less veritable and infallible thanthe truth of the divine oracles. By accident it isthat Homer and Virgil write of the two gates ofdreams to which you have recommended yourself.The one is of ivory, which letteth in confused,doubtful, and uncertain dreams; for through ivory,how thin soever it be, we can see nothing-thedensity and opacity hinder the penetration of the160 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.visual rays. The other is of horn, at which anentry is made to sure and certain dreams, even asthrough horn, by reason of its diaphanous splendour, all species appear clearly and distinctly. "At seven of the clock on the next morning,Panurge presented himself before Pantagruel, therebeing in the chamber Epistemon, Friar John, Ponocrates, Endemon, Carpalim, and others, to whom,on the appearance of Panurge, Pantagruel said ," Behold our dreamer." " That is a word," saidEpistemon, "which once cost a great deal,and was dearly sold to the children of Jacob."" Then," said Panurge, " I am on good terms withGuillot the dreamer. I have dreamed well, andmore than well, but I understand not one word ofit. Excepting only that in my dreaming I had awife, young, gallant, and perfectly fair, who treatedand entertained me delicately, like a little pet child.Never was man more glad or more joyous. Sheflattered me, tickled me, kissed me, embraced me,and, in sport, made me two beautiful little hornsin the forehead. I told her, laughing, that sheshould rather put them under my eyes, so that Imight the better see what I wished to strike withthem, in order that Momus might find in themnothing imperfect or worthy of correction, as hedoes in the position of oxen's horns. The playfulgirl, notwithstanding my remonstrance, still continued to stick them on in front. Now this did mePANTAGRUEL. 161no hurt whatever, which is a marvellous thing. Alittle afterwards it seemed that I was transformed, Iknow not how, into a tabour, and she into a screechowl. Then was my slumber interrupted, and witha start I awoke, angry, perplexed, and perturbed.There is a little dish of dreams for you. Makegood cheer upon them, and tell me how you interpret them. Let us go to breakfast, Monsieur MaitreCarpalim. "" I understand," said Pantagruel, " if I have anyjudgment in the art of divination by dreams, thatyour wife will not make for you in reality and outward appearance horns in your forehead such asthe satyrs wear; but she will not keep faith andconjugal loyalty. This point hath been clearly setforth by Artemidorus, as I tell you. In the sameway there will be no metamorphosis of you into atabour; but by her shall you be beaten like a tabourat a wedding-feast: nor of her into a screech- owl;but she will plunder and steal from you, as is theproperty of screech- owls. See how your dreamsagree with the Sortes Virgiliana: she will rob you,she will beat you, she will be unfaithful. "Then cried Friar John, " He says the truth, parbieu, brother of mine. Ho! ho! ho! "66 Quite the contrary," said Panurge. " My dreampresages that in my marriage I shall have plentyof good things, with the horn of abundance. Yousay they will be the horns of satyrs. Amen.L162 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Amen. Fiat Fiatur, ad differentiam papa. Thehorns which my wife made for me were horns ofabundance and plenty; I promise you that. Asfor the rest, I shall be as joyous as a tabour at awedding, always sounding, always drumming andhumming. Believe me, that it is the augury ofhappiness. My wife shall be sweet and coy as apretty little owlet—'Qui ne le croyt, d'enfer aille au gibet,Novel nouvelet.' "" I note," said Pantagruel, " the last point thatyou said, and compare it with the first. At thebeginning you were full of pleasure in your dream .Then you awoke with a start, angry, perplexed,and perturbed.""Yea," said Panurge, " because I had had nobreakfast. "" All will fall into ruin, I foresee. Know fortruth that every slumber ending with a start, andleaving the sleeper angry and vexed, either betokeneth evil or presageth evil."It betokeneth evil,-that is to say, some malady,malignant, pestilential, secret, latent in the body,which, by sleep, which continually strengtheneth theconcoctive virtues, according to the theory of medicine, would commence to declare itself and to movetowards the surface. At which melancholy motionwould be repose dissolved, and the intelligencePANTAGRUEL. 163would be admonished to commiserate and to provide for it. As they say in the proverb, to irritatewasps, to stir muddy water, to wake a sleepingcat."It presageth evil, —that is to say, it giveth us tounderstand that some mischance is prepared anddestined for the soul, which shall shortly take place.Witness the dream and affrighted waking ofHecuba; the dream of Eurydice, wife of Orpheus,-after both which dreams, Ennius said that theyawoke with a start and in affright. AfterwardsHecuba saw her husband Priam, her children, hercountry, killed and destroyed. And Eurydice shortly afterwards perished miserably. Witness Æneas,dreaming that he spoke to Hector, then dead, andshortly afterwards awoke with a start. Lo! onthat same night was Troy sacked and burned.Another time he dreamed that he saw his familiarand household gods, and awoke in affright; thenext day he endured a terrible storm at sea. Witness Turnus, who, being incited by a phantom ofaninfernal Fury to make war against Æneas, awokesurprised and angry, and then, after long desolations, was killed by that very Æneas. There arethousands of other examples. When I speak toyou of Æneas, note that Fabius Pictor says thatnothing was by him ever done or undertaken,nothing ever happened unto him, which he hadnot already known and foreseen by divination of164 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.dreams. Reason is not wanting to the example;for if slumber and repose are the gift and specialgrace ofthe gods, as the philosophers maintain andthe poet attests, when he says (Virg. Æn. , ii. 368)—'Lors l'heure estoyt que sommeil, don des cieulx,Vient aux humains fatiguez, gratieulx; 'such a gift cannot terminate in vexation and wrathwithout the intimation of some great misfortune.Otherwise repose would be no repose, and the giftno gift. Nor would it come from the gods ourfriends, but from the devils our enemies, accordingto the proverb, ἐχθρῶν ἄδωρα δῶρα—the gifts of ourenemies are no gifts. As if the master of thehouse, being seated at a well- served table, in goodappetite at the commencement of his repast, wereseen suddenly to spring from his seat with a start.He who could not know the cause of it would beastonished. But what? He had heard his servants cry Fire! his maids cry Thief! his childrencry Murder! Therefore needs must that he leavehis repast and run to bring remedy and order.Truly I remember how cabalists interpreters of theHoly Scriptures, explaining how some could withdiscernment know the truth of angelic apparitions(for often the angel of Satan represents himself asthe angel of light), say that the difference betweenthe two is the benevolent and consoling angel,when he appears unto man, frightens him at thePANTAGRUEL. 165beginning, and at the end consoles him, and rendershim contented and satisfied; but the malign angel,the seducer, at the beginning rejoices the man, andleaves him in the end perturbed, vexed, and perplexed."" The Lord," said Panurge, " keep from evil himwho sees well and hears no whit! I see you verywell, but I do not hear you at all, and I know notwhat you say. The hungry stomach hath no ears.When I have well breakfasted, and am full stuffedwith hay and grain, then at a pinch and in case ofnecessity I might do without dinner. But not tosup! That is error, that is a flying in the face ofnature. Nature made the day for exercise, forlabour, and for the practice every man of his vocation; and in order that this might be the moreclearly done, she furnished us with a candle-to wit,the clear and joyous light of the sun. In the evening she begins to take it away, and says to ustacitly, ' Children, you are honest folk: enoughwork, the night cometh: it behoves you to ceasefrom labour and to restore yourselves with goodbread, good wine, good meat; then to rejoice yourselves a little, to lie down and repose, in order thenext day to be fresh and cheerful for work asbefore. ' Which the good pope who first institutedfasts very well understood. For he ordained thatthe fast should continue to the hours of Nones,and that for the rest of the day we should be at166 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.liberty to take food. In times of old very fewpeople dined as monks and canons do now; forthey have no other occupation, all their days areholidays, and they diligently observe a claustralproverb, de missa ad mensam, and they neverwait longer than the arrival of the abbot beforesitting to table. But everybody sups, except afew dotard dreamers; whence supper is calledcana-that is to say, the ' common ' meal. Youknow it well, Friar John. Come, my friend, departous les diables, come: my stomach barks withhunger, like a dog. Let us throw into it store ofsoup down the throat to pacify it, like the Sibylwith Cerberus. You love the soup of Prime: Ilove rather the simple soups, joined with a labourer's piece, salted with nine lessons. """ HisThe"I understand you," said Friar John.metaphor comes from the claustral pot.labourer is the ox that labours or has laboured;by nine lessons ' is meant cooked to perfection.For the good fathers of religion, by certain cabalistic institutions of the ancients, not written, butpassed from hand to hand, when they rose andwent into the holy chapel, called in their enigmasthe claustral kitchen, devoutly begged that the beefmight at once be put to the fire for the breakfastof the religious, brothers of our Lord. Often theythemselves lit the fire under the pot. Now whenMatins had nine lessons, they got up the earlier;PANTAGRUEL. 167and the greater grew their appetite and thirst atthe turning over of the parchment than whenMatins had one or three lessons only. The earlierthey got up the earlier went the beef to the fire.' Plus y estant, plus cuict restoyt,Plus cuict restant, plus tendres estoyt.'The less it used their teeth, the more it pleasedtheir palate. The less it oppressed the stomach,the more it nourished the good religious. Whatis the only end and first intention of the founders? It is in contemplation of this that theydo not eat to live, but live to eat, and have theirlife only in this world. Come, Panurge.""At this moment," said Panurge, " I have understood thee, comrade claustral and caballic.Come, Carpalim; Friar John, my bosom friend, letus go. Farewell, my lords all, I have dreamedenough for drinking. Come."Panurge had no sooner finished than Epistemon said loudly, " Common it is and a vulgarthing among mortals to understand , foresee, know,and predict the misfortunes of other people. Butoh, how rare it is to predict, know, foresee, andunderstand one's own misfortunes! And howprudently did Æsop figure this in his fables, saying that every man in this world at his birth bearsa wallet round his neck, in the front bag of whichare the faults and misfortunes of others, always168 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.exposed to our view and knowledge; and in thebag behind are the faults and misfortunes of himself, and they are never known or understood byany except by those who enjoy the benevolence ofheaven."THE SIBYL OF PANZOUST.A little while thereafter Pantagruel sent forPanurge, and said unto him, " The affection whichI bear you being now settled in my mind by along continuance of time, prompteth me to theserious consideration of your welfare and profit.Hear, therefore, what I have thought thereon. Ithath been told me that at Panzoust, near Croulay,dwelleth a very famous sibyl, who foretells allthings to come. Take Epistemon for company,repair towards her, and hear what she will sayunto you.""She is possibly," quoth Epistemon, " a Canidia,a Sagana, a Pythoness, and sorceress. Whatmakes me think so is, that the place is reported toabound more with witches than ever did Thessaly.I will not go thither willingly. The thing is unlawful, and forbidden by the law of Moses.""We are not Jews," quoth Pantagruel, “ nor is itconfessed nor proved that she is a witch. "PANTAGRUEL. 169Their voyage was a six days' journey. On theseventh whereof, was shown unto them the houseof the vaticinatress, standing on the top of a hill,under a large and spacious chestnut-tree. Withoutdifficulty they entered into the thatched cottage,badly built, badly furnished, and all besmoked."Baste! " quoth Epistemon; " Heracl*tus, thegrand Scotist and darksome philosopher, was notastonished on entering into such a habitation; forhe did usually show forth unto his sectators and disciples, that here the gods made as cheerfully theirresidence as in palaces full of delight. I believethat such was the cottage of the so famous Hecate,when she made a feast therein to young Theseus;and such also was the cot of Hireus, or Enopion,wherein Jupiter, Neptune, and Mercury were notashamed to sojourn a whole night, and there totake a full and hearty repast; and officially inpayment of the shot forged Orion. " They foundthe ancient woman in the chimney-corner. “ Sheis," said Epistemon, " indeed a true sibyl, and thetrue portrait by the Tρni κaμvoî of Homer." Theold woman was in pitiful plight, ill apparelled, illnourished, toothless, blear- eyed, crook-shouldered;she was making a green cabbage soup, with a sliceof yellow bacon and an old marrow-bone. "Verd etbleu!" said Epistemon, " we have failed, nor shallwe get from her any response at all, for we havenot with us the branch of gold. "170 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.' I have, " quoth Panurge, " provided for that; forhere I have it within my bag, in a gold ring, accompanied with fair and joyous caroluses." Thesewords spoken, Panurge saluted her profoundly,and presented her with six neats' tongues smoked,a great butter - pot full of flour, a great flagonfull of drink, and a purse stored with newly madecaroluses. At last, with a low courtesy, he put onher third finger a handsome golden ring, whereinwas magnificently enchased a toadstone of Bresse.This done, in few words did he expose unto herthe motive of his coming, courteously entreatingher to give him her counsel and a good fortune inhis intended marriage.The old woman for a while remained silent,pensive, and grinding her teeth; then she sat uponthe bottom of a bushel, and took between herhands three old spindles, which, when she hadturned and whirled betwixt her fingers diversely,she tried their points, the sharpest whereof sheretained in her hand, and threw the other twounder a grindstone. After this she took herwindles, which she nine times turned: at the ninthturn, without touching them any more, she considered the movement of the windles, and waitedfor them to stop.After this she pulled off one of her pattens, puther apron over her head, as the priests put on theiramice when they are going to sing mass, and withPANTAGRUEL. 171an ancient party- coloured string, knit it under herneck. Being thus covered and muffled, she took along draught out of the flagon, took three caroluses forth of the purse, put them into so many walnut-shells, which she set down upon the bottom ofa feather-pot, and then gave three whisks of abroom athwart the chimney, cast into the fire halfa fa*got of heather and a branch of dry laurel.She watched them burn in silence, and saw thatthey made no kind of noise or crackling in burning. Hereupon she gave a most hideous cry,muttering betwixt her teeth barbarous words ofstrange termination.So that Panurge said to Epistemon, " Par lavertus bieu! I tremble: I think I am enchanted:she speaketh not a Christian tongue. Look howshe seemeth to be four full spans higher than whenshe began to hood herself with her apron. Whatmeaneth this wagging of her jaws? What meaneththis shrugging of her shoulders? To what enddoes she quaver with her lips, like a monkey inthe dismembering of a crayfish? My ears standup like horns. I think I hear the shrieking ofProserpina; the devils will soon break loose! Othe ugly beasts! Let us fly! Serpe Dieu! I diefor fear! I love not devils; they vex me, and aredispleasing. Let us fly! Adieu, madam; thanksfor your goods! I will not marry, no. I renounceit from this time forward, even as much as at pres-172 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.ent." With this he began to escape out of theroom, but the old woman anticipated his flight,holding the spindle in her hand, and went out intoan orchard near her house, where was an ancientsycamore: she shook it thrice, and on eight leaveswhich fell from it, she forthwith wrote short verses.Then she threw them into the air and said, " Go,search them if you will; find them if you can; thefate and lot of your marriage is written thereupon. "They ran after the fallen leaves, and gatheredthem at last, though not without great labour,for the wind had scattered them amongst the thornbushes of the valley. When they had ranged themeach after other, they found out their sentence asfollows:-T'esgoussera,De renom;Engroissera,De toy non.THE TRIAL OF THE DYING."I never thought," said Pantagruel, "to haveencountered with any man so headstrong in hisapprehensions as I see you are. Nevertheless, thebetter to clear your doubts, let us leave no stoneunturned. Take heed to what I say. The swans,which are fowls consecrated to Apollo, never chantPANTAGRUEL. 173but when they draw near to death, especially bythe Meander river of Phrygia; so that the song of aswan is the presage of his approaching death, andhe doth not die before he hath sung."Afterthe same manner poets, who are under theprotection of Apollo, when they are drawing neartheir latter end, do ordinarily become prophets,and by Apolline inspiration sing vaticinating thingsto come. It hath been likewise told me frequently,that old men near their end easily divine the future.I remember also that Aristophanes, in a certaincomedy of his, calleth old folks Sibyls. For aswhen, being upon a pier, we see afar off marinersand travellers on the high sea within their ships, weconsider them in silence only, and pray for them ahappy and prosperous arrival; but when they approach the haven, then with words and gestures wesalute them, and congratulate them on having arrived at the port of safety with ourselves. Just sothe angels, heroes, and good demons, according tothe doctrine of the Platonics, when they see mortalsdrawing near the grave, as unto a very sure andsafe port, a port of repose and tranquillity, freefrom troubles and earthly solicitudes; then is itthat they salute them, comfort them, speak withthem, and begin to communicate unto them theart of divination. I will not offer here the ancientexamples of Isaac, of Jacob, of Patroclus towardsHector, of Hector towards Achilles, of the Rhodian174 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.renowned by Posidonius, of Calanus the Indiantowards Alexander the Great, of Orodes towardsMezentius, and others. It shall suffice that I commemorate the learned and valiant chevalier Williamof Bellay, late Seigneur of Langey, who died at theHill of Tarara, the 10th of January, in the climacteric year of his age, and of our supputation 1543,according to the Roman account. The three or fourhours before his death he employed in vigorouswords, in tranquil and serene understanding, predicting what we have partly seen and partly look for.Howbeit his prophecies did at that time seem untous absurd and unlikely; because there did not thenappear any cause or prognostic sign of what he didforetell. We have here near to the town of Villeau- Maire a man who is both old and a poet-to wit,Raminagrobis. I have heard that he is at thearticle and last moment of his decease. Repairthither and hear his chant. It may be that youshall obtain from him what you desire, and thatApollo will by his means clear your scruples."" I am content," quoth Panurge. " Let us gothither, Epistemon, instantly, lest death come uponhim. Wilt thou come along with us, Friar John? ""I will," replied Friar John, " right heartily to dothee a courtesy, for I love thee with the best of myliver."Thereupon, incontinently, to the way they allthree went, and arriving at the poetical habitation,PANTAGRUEL. 175they found the good old man in the agony of death,yet looking cheerfully, with an open countenanceand lively regard. Panurge, saluting Him, placedupon the third finger of his left hand a ring of gold,in which was set an oriental sapphire, fair and large.Then, in imitation of Socrates, did he make anoblation unto him of a fair white co*ck; which wasno sooner set upon the tester of his bed, than thatwith a high raised crest, he shook his feathers andcrowed aloud. This done, Panurge courteously invited him to say and expound his judgment touching the doubts on the intended marriage. The oldman commanded pen, paper, and ink to be broughtunto him. This was promptly done; then hewrote these following verses:-"Take her, friend, or take her not:If you take her, you are wise:If to take her you despise,Nowise worse will be your lot:Gallop apace; proceed jog-trot;Stand doubtingly; commence red-hot.Take her, friend.Starve, or empty twice the pot―To do what is undone arise,Or undo all that done you prize:Preserve her life, or have her shot.Take her, friend. " 11 I am indebted for this translation to Mr Joseph Knight. It hasbeen printed, but not published, in the Recreations of the RabelaisClub, ' together with the less known ballad, also by GuillaumeCretin, on the same subject.176 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.These lines he gave out of his own hands untothem, saying unto them, " Go, children, under thecare of the great God of the heavens; and do notoffer any more to trouble or disquiet me with thisor any other business. I have this same very day,which is the last both of May and of me, with agreat deal of labour and difficulty, chased out ofmy house a rabble of filthy, unclean, and pestilentious beasts, black, dusk, dun, white, ash- coloured,speckled, who would not permit me to die at myown ease; and by fraudulent prickings, harpy- likegraspings, waspish importunities, forged in the shopof I know not what insatiability, they awoke meout of those sweet thoughts wherein I was reposingmyself, contemplating, seeing, yea, already touching and tasting of the happiness and felicity whichthe good God hath prepared for His faithful andelect in the other life, and state of immortality.Turn out of their courses, do not resemble them;molest me no more, but leave me in silence, Ibeseech you. "THE TRIAL OF THE ASTROLOGER." Truly," said Epistemon, " the case is hazardous.I find myself insufficient to give you a resolution. I have in my brain some fancies, by meansPANTAGRUEL. 177whereof we might determine something on yourperplexity; but they do not thoroughly satisfyme. Some of the Platonic sect affirm that whosoever is able to see his own Genius, may know hisdestiny. There is yet another point. If therewere any authority now in the oracles of Apollo inLebadia, Delphi, Delos, Cyrrha, Patara, Tegyra,Præneste, Lycia, Colophon; of Bacchus in Dodona;of Mercury at Pharæ, near Patras; of Apis inEgypt; of Serapis in Canope; of Faunus in Menalia, and Albunea near Tivoli; of Tiresias in Orchomenus; of Mopsus in Cilicia; of Orpheus inLesbos, and of Trophonius in Leucadia; -I wouldadvise you, perhaps I should not advise you, to gothither for their judgment concerning your enterprise. But you know that they are all of thembecome more dumb than fishes, since the advent ofthat Saviour King, whose coming to this worldhath made all oracles and prophecies to cease; aswhen cometh the sun's clear light vanish all goblins, ghosts, spectres, were - wolves, and spirits ofdarkness. Even though they were yet in continuance, yet would not I counsel you to be too credulous in putting any trust in their responses. Toomany folks have been deceived thereby. I remember, furthermore, how Agrippina did charge thefair Lollia with the crime of having interrogatedthe oracle of Apollo Clarius, to understand if sheshould be married to the Emperor Claudius; forM178 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.which cause she was at first banished, and thereafter put to an ignominious death."" But," saith Panurge, " let us do better; the Ogygian Islands are not far distant from the havenof St Malo. Let us, after that we shall havespoken to our king, make a voyage thither. In oneof these, that which hath its aspect toward the sunsetting, I have read in good and ancient authorsthat there reside many soothsayers, prophets, anddiviners of things to come; that Saturn inhabiteththat place, bound with fair chains of gold, andwithin a golden rock, being nourished with divineambrosia and nectar, which are daily transmitted tohim from the heavens, by I do not well know whatkind of fowls, it may be that they are the sameravens which in the deserts are said to have fed StPaul, the first hermit, and that he very clearlyforetelleth unto every one who is desirous to becertified of his lot, his destiny, and what willhappen to him; for the Parcæ spin nothing, nordoth Jupiter project or deliberate anything, whichthe good father knoweth not to the full, even whilsthe is asleep. This will be a very summary abbreviation of our labour, if we but hearken unto him alittle upon this my perplexity."" This is," answered Epistemon, " an abuse tooevident, a fable too fabulous. I will not go.""Nevertheless," he continued, continuing his discourse, " I will tell you what you may do, if youPANTAGRUEL. 179believe me, before we return to our king. Hardby here, in Bouchart Island, dwelleth Herr Trippa.You know how by the arts of astrology, geomancy,chiromancy, metopomancy, and others of a likestuff, he foretelleth all things to come; let us conferwith him about your business.""Of that," answered Panurge, " I know nothing.Yet let us go to him, seeing you will have it so; forsurely we can never learn too much."They on the very next ensuing day came to HerrTrippa's lodging. Panurge, by way of donative,presented him with a long gown lined all throughwith wolf- skins, with a short sword mounted witha gilded hilt, in a velvet scabbard, and with fiftygood angels: then in a familiar and friendly waydid he ask of him his opinion touching the affair."Have you a mind," quoth Herr Trippa, "tohave the truth of the matter fully and amply disclosed unto you by pyromancy-by aeromancy,whereof Aristophanes in his Clouds maketh greatestimation-by hydromancy-by lecanomancy, ofold in prime request amongst the Assyrians, andthoroughly tried by Hermolaus Barbarus? By catoptromancy, likewise held in such account by theEmperor Didius Julianus, that by means thereofhe ever and anon foresaw all that which at anytime did happen or befall unto him. Thou shaltnot need to put on thy spectacles, for in a mirrorthou wilt see her as clearly as if I should show180 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.it in the fountain of the temple of Minerva, nearPatras. By coscinomancy, most religiously observed of old amidst the ceremonies of the ancientRomans. Let us have sieve and shears, and thoushalt see devils. By alphitomancy, cried up byTheocritus in his Pharmaceutria. By alentomancy,mixing the flour of wheat with oatmeal. Byastragalomancy, whereof I have the plots andmodels all at hand ready for the purpose. Bytiromancy, whereof we may make proof in agreat Brehemont cheese, which I here keep byme. By giromancy; if thou shouldest turn roundcircles, thou mightest assure thyself from me, thatthey would fall always on the wrong side. Bysternomancy, which maketh nothing for thy advantage, for thou hast an ill-proportioned stomach.By libanomancy, for the which we shall need buta little frankincense. By gastromancy, which kindof ventral fatiloquency was for a long time together used in Ferrara by the Lady Jacoba Rodogina, the Engastrimythian. By cephalomancy,often practised amongst the High Germans, intheir boiling of an ass's head upon burning coals.By ceromancy, where, by the means of wax dissolved into water, thou shalt see the figure, portrait, and lively representation of thy future wife.By capnomancy; we shall lay on burning cindersthe seed of poppy and of sesame. O the gallant method! By axionomancy; we want only aPANTAGRUEL. 181hatchet and a jet-stone to be laid together upona quick fire of hot embers. O how bravely Homerwas versed in the practice hereof towards Penelope's suitors! By onymancy, for that we haveoil and wax. By tephramancy, thou wilt see theashes thus aloft dispersed, exhibiting thy wife.By botanomancy; for the nonce I have some fewleaves of sage. By sycomancy-O divine art!-in fig- tree leaves. By ichthyomancy, in ancienttimes so celebrated , and put in use by Tiresiasand Polydamas, with the like certainty of eventas was tried of old at the Dina - ditch, withinthat grove consecrated to Apollo, which is in theterritory of the Lycians. By cho*romancy; letus have a great many hogs, and thou shalt havethe bladder of one ofthem. By cleromancy, as thebean is found in the cake on the Eve of Epiphany.By anthropomancy, practised by the Roman Emperor Heliogabalus. It is somewhat irksome, butthou wilt endure it well enough. By sibyllinestichomancy; by onomatomancy; or else by alectryomancy. Or, for the more certainty, will youhave a trial of your fortune by the art of aruspiciny? By extispiciny? By augury? that is,by the flight of wild birds. By the song of sacredbirds? By the motions of ducks when they eat?By necromancy? I will, if you please, suddenlyrevive some one lately deceased, as Apollonius ofTyana did to Achilles, and the Pythoness in the182 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.presence of Saul; which body will tell us the sumof all: no more nor less than, at the invocationof Erictho, a certain defunct person foretold toPompey the whole progress and issue of the Pharsalian battle. Or, if you be afraid of the dead, Iwill make use only of sciomancy. ""Go, get thee gone! " quoth Panurge. " Whythedevil didst not thou counsel me as well to hold anemerald or other precious stone under my tongue?or to furnish myself with tongues of whoops, andhearts of green frogs? or to eat the heart andliver of a dragon, to the end that I might, at thechanting and chirping of swans and other fowls,understand my destiny, as did of old the Arabiansin the country of Mesopotamia? Fifteen braceof devils seize upon enchanter, witch, and sorcererof antichrist. Let us return towards our king; Iam sure he will not be well pleased with us, if heonce come to get notice that we have been in thekennel of this devil in a long gown. I repent mybeing come hither. The devil take him!Amen, and let us go drink."SayTHE TRIAL OF THE THEOLOGIAN.No sooner were they come to the palace, but theymade report unto Pantagruel of their expedition,PANTAGRUEL. 183and showed him the response of Raminagrobis.Pantagruel, after having read it and re- read it,said-"I have not as yet seen any answer whichaffordeth me more contentment. He would haveus to understand, that every one, in the enterpriseof marriage, ought to be the arbiter of his properthoughts, and from himself alone take counsel.Such always hath been my opinion to you, andwhen at first you spoke thereof to me, I trulytold you this same very thing; but tacitly youscorned my advice, I remember, and know that. self- love deceives you. Let us do otherwise, andthat is this. Whatever we are, or have, consisteth in three things-the soul, the body, and thegoods. Now, for the preservation of these three,there are three sorts of people. Theologians areappointed for the soul, physicians for the body,and lawyers for our goods. It is therefore myresolution to have on Sunday next with me atdinner a divine, a physician, and a lawyer. Withthose three together, we will confer on your perplexity. ""By St Picaut," answered Panurge, " we nevershall do any good that way! I see that very wellalready. And you see yourself how the world isvilely abused. We give our souls in charge totheologians, who for the greater part are heretics.Our bodies we commit to the physicians, who all184 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.abhor physic and never take any. And we intrustour goods to the lawyers, who never go to law withone another. ""You speak like a courtier," quoth Pantagruel."But the first point I deny; for we see how goodtheologians make it their chief business, yea, theirwhole and sole employment, by their deeds, theirwords, and writings, to extirpate errors and heresies out of the hearts of men, and in their steadprofoundly plant the true and lively Catholic faith.The second point you spoke of I commend, seeinghow good physicians give such attention to theprophylactic and preservative part of their profession, that they stand in no need of the curative ortherapeutic, by medicaments. As for the third, Igrant it; for learned advocates are so much takenup with their pleadings and replies in cases of otherpeople, that they have no leisure to attend to theirown. Therefore, on the next ensuing Sunday, letthe divine be Father Hippothadeus-the physician,Master Rondibilis-and the legist our friend Bridoye; and I am of opinion that we should enter uponthe Pythagorean tetrade, and choose as a fourthour ancient friend the philosopher Trouilloganespecially seeing a perfect philosopher, such as isTrouillogan, is able positively to resolve all doubtsyou can propose. Carpalim, have you a care tohave them here all four on Sunday next at dinner. ""I believe," said Epistemon, " that throughoutPANTAGRUEL. 185the whole country you could not have betterchosen. I say this not so much in regard of theperfections of each in his own vocation, whichare beyond all question, as for that Rondibilis ismarried now, who before was not-Hippothadeuswas not before, nor is yet. Bridoye has been, butis not now, and Trouillogan is, and has alreadybeen before. "-The dinner on the subsequent Sunday was nosooner made ready, than that the invited guestsappeared, except Bridoye, deputy - governor ofFonsbeton. At the ushering in of the secondservice, Panurge, making a low reverence, spakethus:-"Gentlemen, there is only the question of oneword-should I marry or no? If my doubt benot resolved by you, I shall hold it as one of theinsoluble questions of philosophy: for all of youare elected, chosen, and culled out, every one in hisown profession, like peas on a board. "The Father Hippothadeus, on the invitation ofPantagruel, and with reverence to the company,answered with inconceivable modesty: " My friend,you ask counsel of us; but first you must consultwith yourself.""I have," replied Panurge."My counsel to you in that case, my friend, isthat you marry," quoth Hippothadeus." That, " cried Panurge, " is spoken gallantly,186 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.without circumbilivagin*ting round the pot. Gramercy, good father! I shall marry now without fail,and speedily. I invite you to my wedding.Corps de galine! we shall make good cheer. Youshall wear my colours. I will entreat you to leadup the first dance of the bridesmaids, if it mayplease you to do me so much favour and honour.There resteth yet a small difficulty, a little scruple,yea, even less than nothing, whereof I humblycrave your resolution. Will she be faithful, father,yea or no? ""Yea," answered Hippothadeus; " if it pleaseGod. ""The Lord help us now! " cried Panurge;"whither do you drive me, good folks? To theConditionals, which, in dialects, admit of all contradictions and impossibilities. If my transalpinemule were to fly, my transalpine mule would havewings. If it please God. If this were a conditionwhich I knew how to prevent, my hopes should beas high as ever, nor would I despair. But you heresend me to God's privy council. Friends andFrenchmen, which way do you take to go thither?"I believe, father, it will be your best not tocome to my marriage. The clutter and dingledangle noise of wedding-guests would break yourbrain. You love repose, solitude, and silence; Ibelieve you will not come. And then you dance butindifferently, and would be out of countenance atPANTAGRUEL. 187the first entry. I will send you some fried porkto your chamber, together with the bride's favour,and there you may drink our health, if youplease.""My friend," said Hippothadeus, " take mywords in good part. When I say, if it pleaseGod-do I to you any wrong? Is it an ill expression? Is it a blasphemous or scandalous condition? Do not we thereby honour the Lord.Creator, Protector, and Conserver? Do not wethereby acknowledge Him to be the sole giver ofall good? Do not we thereby declare that we alldepend on His benignity? and that without Himnothing exists, nothing is of any value or power,without the infusion of His holy grace? Is not thatverily a sanctifying of His holy name? My friend,she shall be true to you, if it please God; nor shallwe need to despair of the knowledge of His goodwill herein, as if it were an abstruse secret, that forthe clear understanding thereof it were necessaryto consult with His privy council. The good Godhath done us this good, that He hath declared andrevealed them to us openly and plainly, and described them in the Holy Bible. There will youfind that your wife shall never be faithless, if youmake choice of one descended of honest parents,and instructed in piety and virtue, -such a one ashath only haunted and frequented company ofgood manners; one loving and fearing God, taking188 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.delight in pleasing Him by faith and the observingof His holy commandments, fearing to offend Himand lose His grace by defect of faith and transgression of His holy law, wherein strict adherence to her husband is enjoined; and that she isto cherish, serve, and love him above anything,next to God.Consider how the moon doth not borrow herlight from Jupiter, Mars, Mercury, or any otherplanet or star in the firmament, but from her husband only, the bright sun; and from him receivesno more than he gives her by his infusion and aspect. Just so should you be a pattern and exemplar to your wife in virtue and honesty; and youmust continue to implore the grace of God foryour protection. ""You would have me, then," said Panurge, twisting his mustachios, " espouse the prudent womandescribed by Solomon? Without all doubt she isdead. I never saw her that I know; the Lordforgive me! Nevertheless I thank you, father.Eat this slice of marchpane, it will help your digestion; then shall you drink a cup of claret hypocras,which is right healthful and stomachal. Let usproceed."PANTAGRUEL. 189THE TRIAL OF THE PHYSICIAN."Therefore," he continued, " I beseech you, goodmaster Rondibilis, should I marry or not? ""By the amble of my mule," said Rondibilis, “ Iknow not what answer to make to this problem."[Rondibilis learnedly points out how Panurge may distract his thoughts from marriage in various ways—as ( 1 ) byimmoderate use of wine; (2 ) by cooling and lowering drugs;(3) by hard labour; (4) by study. ]"Be pleased to contemplate the form of a manearnestly set upon some study: you shall see inhim all the arteries of his brain are stretched likethe string of a cross- bow, the more dexterously tofurnish him with spirits, sufficient to replenish theventricles of sense, of imagination, and apprehension, of ratiocination and resolution, of memoryand remembrance; and with great alacrity to runfrom the one to the other, through those manifestconduits in anatomy at the end of the wonderfulnet where all the arteries terminate-which arteries, taking their rise from the left chamber of theheart, refine the vital spirits by long circuits. Nay,in such a studious person, you will see suspendedall his natural faculties, all his exterior senses dead;in a word, you will judge him not to be his livingself, to be transported by ecstasy outside himself,190 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.and you will say that Sophocles did not abuse theterm when he said, ' Philosophy is nothing else buta meditation upon death.' This possibly is thereason why Democritus blinded himself, prizingat a lower rate the loss of sight than the diminution of his contemplations, which he frequently hadfound disturbed bythe roving of the eyes. Therefore Pallas, the goddess of wisdom, the guardianof students, is accounted a virgin. Therefore theMuses are esteemed virgins; therefore remain theGraces in eternal chastity."I rememberto have read, that Cupid on a timebeing asked of his mother Venus, why he did notassault the Muses, replied, that he found them sofair, so neat, so modest, so discreet, and so continually employed-one in the contemplation of thestars, another in the supputation ofnumbers, anotherin the dimension of geometrical bodies, another inrhetorical invention, another in poetical composition, another in music-that approaching near untothem he unbent his bow, shut his quiver, and extinguished his torch, through shame and fear thathe might do them some hurt. Which done, he putoff the fillet wherewith his eyes were bound, thebetter to look them in the face, and to hear theirpleasant songs and poetic odes. There took hethe greatest pleasure in the world, that many timeshe was transported with their beauty and graces,and charmed asleep by the harmony; so far wasPANTAGRUEL. 191he from assaulting them, or interrupting theirstudies. "[ Rondibilis, however, can in no way relieve the doubt inPanurge's mind. Ponocrates, during the discussion, relatesthe following story of women's curiosity. ]"I have heard that Pope John XXII., passingon a day by Fontevrault, was besought by theabbess and the discreet mothers of the said convent to grant them an indulgence, by means whereofthey might confess themselves to one another;alleging that religious women are subject to imperfections which it is a shame insupportable for themto discover to men, but that they would morefreely and more familiarly tell them to each otherunder the seal of confession . There is not anything,' answered the Pope, ' which I would notgrant you willingly; but I find one inconvenience-confession should be kept secret. You womenwould hardly be able to do so. ' ' Exceeding well,'they replied, ' and much more closely than men.'"The said Pope, therefore, gave them in keeping a box, wherein he had caused a little linnetto be put, willing them very courteously to lockit up in some sure and hidden place, and promising them, by the faith of a Pope, to grant theirrequest if they would keep the box secret, enjoining them withal rigorously not to open it in anyway, on pain of ecclesiastical censure and eternal192 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.excommunication. The prohibition was no soonermade but that they did all of them burn withardent desire to see what was within, and it seemedtedious that the Pope was not already out of thehouse so that they might begin."The holy father, after he had given them hisbenediction, retired to his own lodging. But hewas not yet three steps without the abbey, whenthe good ladies, all in a crowd, rushed to open theforbidden box and to see what was within." On the next day the Pope made them anothervisit, with the design, as they imagined, to despatchthe indulgence. But before he would enter intoany talk, he commanded the casket to be broughtunto him. It was brought; but the bird was nomore there. Then was it that the Pope did represent to them that it would be too hard a thing forthem to conceal confessions, seeing that they werenot able for so short a time to keep secret a boxso strongly recommended to them."[Ponocrates goes on to relate the plot of the comedy ofthe " Dumb Wife, " acted at Montpellier by Anthony Saporta,Guy Bourguyer, Balthasar Noyer, Tolet, John Quentin,Francis Robinet, John Perdrier, and Francis Rabelais. ]"The good man her husband wished that shecould speak. She did speak, by the art of the physician and the surgeon, who cut an encyliglottewhich she had beneath her tongue. Her speechrecovered: she spoke so fast and so much that herPANTAGRUEL. 193husband returned to the physician for a remedy tomake her dumb again. The physician replied thatin their art they had many ways of making womenspeak, but none for making them silent: that theonly remedy was the husband's deafness againstthis interminable talking of the wife. The fellowbecame deaf, therefore, by virtue of some charmswhich the doctor used. Then the physician demanding his pay, the man replied that he was deafand could not understand him. Whereupon thephysician threw some powder upon his back, bywhich he became mad. Then the madman andhis enraged wife together beat the physician andthe surgeon so that they left them both half dead.I never laughed so much as at this patelinage."THE CASE OF JUDGE BRIDOYE.[Nothing more being got from the physician, Panurgeconsults the philosopher, but from him receives advicemore contradictory and involved. The philosopher evadesevery question, and will return a direct answer to no singlepoint. As for Judge Bridoye, who is absent, the newscomes that he is detained by having to defend his methodof judgment, which, as he explains, has, during a long andhonourable career upon the bench, always been determinedbythrowing the dice, after reading the pleadings and carefully weighing the evidence. ]On the day following, Pantagruel proceededto Myrelingues to attend the trial of JudgeN194 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Bridoye. At his arrival the presidents, senators,and counsellors prayed him to enter with them,and hear the decision of the causes and reasonswhich Bridoye would produce, why he had pronounced a certain sentence against one Toucheronde, which did not seem equitable to that centumviral court. Pantagruel willingly entered, and foundBridoye sitting within the middle of court; who,for all his reasons and excuses, answered nothingelse, but that he was become old, and that his sightwas not so good as it had been; instancing therewithal many miseries and calamities, which old agebringeth along with it, which not. per Archid. d. l.lxxxvi. c. tanta. Wherefore he was not able sodistinctly to discern the points of the dice asformerly he had done: whence it might have happened, as Isaac, old and dim of sight, took Jacobfor Esau, so he, at the decision of the cause inquestion, should have mistaken a quatre for acinque, especially marking that he had used hissmall dice. And by disposition of law, the imperfections of nature should never be imputed untoany for a crime; as appeareth, ff. de re milit. l. quicum uno. ff. de reg. Fur. l. fere. ff. de ædil. edict. pertotum. ff. de term. mod. l. Divus Adrianus, resolut.Lud. Rom. in l. si. vero. ff. Sol. Matr. And whowould offer to do otherwise, should not therebyaccuse the man, but nature, as is evident inmaximum vitium, c. de lib. prætor.PANTAGRUEL. 195"What dice," asked Trinquamelle, grand president of the said court, " do you mean, myfriend? ""The dice," answered Bridoye, " of judgments,Alea Judiciorum, whereof is written, Per Doct. 26.qu. 2. cap. sort. I. nec emptio ff. de contrahend. empt.1. quod debetur. ff. depecul. et ibi Bartol., dice whichyour worships commonly use in this your sovereigncourt. As do all other judges in their decision ofcases, observing that which hath been said thereofby D. Henri. Ferrandat, et not. gl. in c. fin. de sortil.et l. sed cum ambo. ff. dejud. Ubi. Docto. that chanceis good, honest, profitable, and necessary for ending of debates in suits at law. The same hathmore clearly been declared by Bald. Bartol. etAlex. c. communia de leg. l. si duo.""But how is it that you do these things?" askedTrinquamelle."I shall very briefly," replied Bridoye, " answeryou, according to the doctrine and instructions ofLeg. ampliorem § in refutatoriis. c. de appel.; whichis conformable to Gloss. l. 1. ff. quod. met. causa.Gaudent brevitate moderni. I do the same as yourworships, and as is the custom of the judicature,unto which our law commandeth us to have regard;ut not. extra de consuet. c. ex literis et ibi innoc.having seen, reviewed, recognised, read, and readagain, turned and tossed over the bills of complaint, adjournments, citations, commissions, informations, preparatories, productions, allegations,For196 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.depositions, contradictions, requests, inquiries, replies, duplicates, triplicates, writings, accusations,grievances, denunciations, libels, certificates, lettersroyal, compulsory, delinatory, anticipatory, evocations, envoys, messages, conclusions, demurs,appointments, reliefs, confessions, exploits, andother suchlike confects and spiceries, both at theone and the other side, as a good judge ought todo, conform to what hath been noted thereupon.Spec. de ordination. Paragr. 3. et Tit. de Offi. omn.jud. paragr. fin. et de rescriptis præsentat. parag. 1 .-I place on the end of the table in my closet allthe bags of the defendant, and then give him firstchance, according to the manner of your otherworships. And it is mentioned, l. favorabiliores ff.de reg. jur. et in cap. cum sunt eod. tit. lib. 6. whichsaith, ' cum sunt partium jura obscura, reo potiusfavendum est quam auctori That done, I thereafter lay down upon the other end of the sametable the bags of the plaintiff, just as you do, gentlemen, visum visu; for, Opposita juxta se posita clariuselucesc*nt: ut not. in lib. 1. parag. Videamus. ff. dehis qui sunt sui vel alieni juris, et in l. munerum §mixta ff. de mun. et hon. Then do I likewaysdeliver him his chance. ""But," quoth Trinquamelle, "my friend, howcome you to know the obscurity of the rightsclaimed by pleading parties? ""Even just," quoth Bridoye, " after the fashionPANTAGRUEL. 197of your worships: to wit, when there are manybags on the one side and the other, I then usedmy small dice, as do your worships, in obedienceto the law, Semper in stipulationibus ff. de reg. jur.and the law versale versified, that Eod. tit. semperin obscuris quod minimum est sequimur: canonisedin c. in obscuris. eod. tit. lib. 6. I have other largedice, fair and harmonious, which I employ, as doyour worships, when the matter is more plain—that is to say, when there are fewer bags.""That done," asked Trinquamelle, " how do you,my friend, pronounce judgment? ""Even as your worships do, " answered Bridoye;"for I give sentence in his favour unto whom hathbefallen the best chance by dice, judiciary, tribunian, pretorial. So our laws command, ff. qui pot.in pign. l. creditor. c. de consul. 1. Et de regul. jur. in6. Qui prior est tempore potior estjure.”"Yea, but, " quoth Trinquamelle, "my friend, seeingit is by lot and throw of the dice that you give yourjudgments, why do not you throw this hazard onthe very day and hour, without any further delay,the controverting pleaders appear before you? Towhat use can those writings serve you, those paperscontained in the bags of the suitors? ""Just as to your worships," replied Bridoye,"they serve me in three things-exquisite, requisite, and authentic. First, for formality, by omission whereof, whatever has been done is ren-198 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.dered useless, as is very well proved by Spec. I.tit. de instr. edit. et tit. de rescript. present. Besides,you know much better than I , that often, in judicial proceedings, the formalities destroy materialities and substances; for Forma mutata, mutatursubstantia. ff. ad. exhib 1. Fulianus ff. ad. leg. fals.l. si is qui quadraginta. Et extra. de decim. c. adaudientiam, et de celebrat miss. c. in quadam.Secondly, they serve me, even as your worships, in lieu of honest and healthful exercise. Thelate Master Othoman Vadare, a great physician, asyou would say, Cod. de Commit. et Archi. lib. 12,hath frequently told me, that the lack of bodilyexercise is the only cause of the little health andshort lives of your worships and of all officers ofjustice. Which observation was singularly well,before him, noted and remarked by Bartholus in1. I. c. de sent. quæ pro eo quod. Therefore thereare, as to you, gentlemen, to me consecutively, quiaaccessorium naturam sequitur principalis, de reg.jur. l. 6. et l. cum principalis, et l. nihil dolo ff. eod.tit. ff. defide-jus. l. fide-jus. et extra de officio deleg.cap. I. Certain honest and recreative sports allowed, ff. de allus. et aleat. I. solent. et authent. etomnes obed. in princ. coll. 7. et ff. de præscript. verb.1. sigratuitam et l. I. cod. de spect. l. II. Such alsois the opinion of D. Thomæ, in secunda, secundæ, Q.I. 168, quoted to good purpose by D. Albert deRos, whofuit magnus practicus, and a solemn doc-PANTAGRUEL. 199tor, as Barbatias attesteth in principiis consil. Thereason is set down per gloss. in proemio ff. par neautem tertii.' Interpone tuis interdum gaudia curis. '"Now, resolutorie loquendo, I should say, as youwould, gentlemen, that there is no exercise in allthis palatine world more aromatising than to emptybags, turn over papers, quote note- books, fill panniers, and inspect cases, Ex Bart. et Joan. de Pra.in l. falsa de condit et demonst. ff." Thirdly, I consider, just as you do, gentlemen,that time ripeneth all things, that by time everything cometh to be made manifest-time is thefather of truth. Gloss. in l. 1. cod. de servit authent.de restit. et ea quæ pa. et spec. tit. de requisit cons.Therefore is it, that as you do, gentlemen, I defer,delay, and put off the judgment, to the end thatthe suit, being well fanned, sorted, and debated,may, by succession of time, come to maturity, andthe lot, coming soon after, may be more patientlyborne by the parties condemned, as not. gl. ff. deexcus. tut. l. tria onera.' Portatur leviter quod portat quisque libenter. '" On the other part, to pass sentence when theaction is raw, green, and at the beginning, thedanger would ensue of inconveniency, which thephysicians say befalleth to him in whom an im-200 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.posthume is pierced before it be ripe, or unto anyother whose body is purged of a hurtful humourbefore its digestion. For as it is written, in authent.hæc constit. in Innoc. de consist. princip.-so is thesame repeated in gloss. in c. cæterum, extra dejuram. calumn. Quod medicamenta morbis exhibent,hoc jura negotiis. Nature furthermore admonisheth and teacheth us to gather and eat fruits whenthey are ripe. Instit. de rer. div. paragr. is ad quem.etff. de action. empt. l. Julianus. To marry likewiseour daughters when they are ripe, ff.. de donation,inter vir. et uxor. l. cum. hic status. paragr. si quissponsam et 27 qu. I. c. sicut dicit gloss.' Jam matura thoro plenis adoleverat annisVirginitas.'To do nothing but in full maturity, 23 q. 1. § ult.et 23. de c. ultimo." For this cause," said Bridoye, continuing, " justas you do, gentlemen, I temporise as you, waitingfor the maturity of the process and its perfectionin all its members-to wit, the writings and thebags. Arg. in l. si major. c. commun. divid. et decons. di I. c. solemnitates, et ibi gl. A suit in lawat its first birth seemeth to me, as unto you, gentlemen, shapeless and imperfect. As a bear, at itsbirth, hath neither feet nor hands, skin, hair, norhead; it is merely a rude and shapeless lump offlesh. The dam, by much licking, puts its limbsPANTAGRUEL. 201into proper shape; ut not. Doct. ad. l. Aquil. l. 2.in fin. Just so do I see, like yourselves, gentlemen, suits of law, at their first bringing forth , to bewithout shape and without limbs. They have nothing but a piece or two: they are ugly creatures.But when they are well piled up, packed, and putin bags, we may term them duly provided withlimbs and shape."Just as yourselves, gentlemen, and in like manner the sergeants, ushers, apparitors, bailiffs, proctors, commissaries, advocates, inquisitors, tabellions,notaries, scriveners, and village magistrates, de quibus tit. est. l. 3. c. , by sucking very much, and continually, the purses of the pleading parties, engender to their lawsuits head, feet, claws, beak, teeth,hands, veins, arteries, nerves, muscles, humours.These are the bags, gl. de cons. d. 4. accepisti.' Qualis vestis erit, talia corda gerit. ' "Yea, but," asked Trinquamelle, " how do youproceed, my friend, in criminal causes, the guiltyparty being takenflagrante crimine? ""Just as you do, gentlemen," answered Bridoye." First, I permit and recommend the plaintiff tosleep before entering upon the case. In the nextplace, I convene him before me, to produce a sufficient and authentic attestation of his having slept,conform to the Gloss. 37, Qu . 7 c. Si quis cum.' Quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus.'202 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.This act engendereth another member. That againproduceth a third, as link after link the coat ofmail at length is made. At last I find the caseformed by informations, and perfect in all its members. Then I have recourse to my dice, nor is thisdelay by me occasioned without good reason andnotable experience. "With this Bridoye held his peace. Trinquamellebid him withdraw from the court, -which accordingly was done. Then he said to Pantagruel:" It is fitting, most illustrious prince, not only bythe obligations wherein this present Parliament,together with the whole Marquisate of Myrelingues,stand bound to you for infinite benefits, but for theexcellent wit also, prime judgment, and admirablelearning, wherewith Almighty God, the giver of allgood things, hath endowed you, that we tenderand present unto you the decision of this new,strange, and paradoxical case of Bridoye, who, inyour presence, in your hearing and sight, hath confessed that he gives sentence by the chance of dice.Therefore do we beseech you , that you may bepleased to give sentence therein as unto you shallseem most just and equitable. "To this Pantagruel answered: " Gentlemen, mycondition is not the profession of deciding cases, asyou know; yet seeing you are pleased to do me somuch honour, instead of undergoing the office of ajudge, I will become your humble supplicant. IPANTAGRUEL. 203observe, gentlemen, in Bridoye several qualities, onaccount of which he seems to me to deserve pardon. In the first place, his old age; secondly, hissimplicity; to both which qualities you know wellwhat facility of pardon and excuse of misdoingour statute and common laws grant. Thirdly, Irecognise another case, which in justice maketh forthe advantage of Bridoye-to wit, that this onesingle fault of his ought to be abolished and swallowed up by that immense ocean of just sentenceswhich heretofore he hath given and pronounced;and that for forty years and more hath been foundin him no act worthy of reprehension: as if I wereto throw a drop of the sea into the Loire, nonecould perceive or say that by this single drop thewhole river should be salt."Truly, it seemeth unto me that there is I knownot what of God, who has ordered and made it so,that in these judgments by lot all the preceding sentences have been found good in this yourvenerable and sovereign court. But, waiving allthese matters, I shall only beseech you, not by theobligations which you pretend to my family, whichI do not acknowledge, but for that constant affection which you have always found in me, both onthis and on the other side of the Loire, for themaintenance and establishment ofyour places anddignities, that for this one time you would pardonhim upon these two conditions. First, that he204 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.satisfy, or promise to satisfy, the party wronged bythe injustice of the sentence in question: for thefulfilment of this article, I will provide sufficiently.And, secondly, that for assistance in his office youassign unto him some virtuous counsellor, younger,more learned, and wiser than he, by whose advice.he may henceforth moderate his judiciary procedures. But if you intend totally to depose himfrom his office, I shall cordially entreat you tomake a present and free gift of him to me. I willfind in myrealm charges and employments enoughwherewith to employ him, and to further my service. In the meantime, I implore the Creator,Saviour, and Giver of all good things, in His grace,to preserve you all, world without end."THE TRIAL OF THE FOOL.[The wise men having all failed, it is now resolved tomake trial of Triboulet the fool. ]On the sixth day thereafter, Pantagruel was returned home at the very same hour that Tribouletwas by water come from Blois. Panurge, at hisarrival, gave him a hog's bladder well blown out,and resounding, because of the peas within it; agilt wooden sword, a little bag made of a tortoiseshell, a wicker bottle full of Breton wine, and fiveand-twenty Blandureau apples.PANTAGRUEL. 205Triboulet girded the sword and scrip to his side,took the bladder in his hand, ate some few of theapples, and drank up all the wine. Panurgecuriously regarded him, and said, " I never yet sawa fool, and I have seen ten thousand francs' worthof them, who did not willingly drink, and that bylong draughts. " Then he exposed his business, inrhetorical and eloquent terms. Before he hadaltogether done, Triboulet with his fist gave him agreat blow between the shoulders, returned intohis hand the bottle, filliped him on the nose withthe hog's bladder, and for all reply said, shakingand wagging his head, " Pardieu! mad fool, waremonk, Buzançay bagpipe! "These words thus finished, he slipped himselfout of the company, went aside, and rattled thebladder, taking delight in the melodious sound ofthe peas. After which it was not possible to drawfrom him any single word. And when Panurgewould interrogate him further, Triboulet drew hiswooden sword, and would have struck him therewith. " Here we are then," quoth Panurge. "Abrave determination! He is a great fool, that isnot to be denied; yet he is a greater fool whobrought him hither to me; and I threefold foolto impart my thoughts to him."" That bolt," quoth Carpalim, " levels point-blankat me. ""Without troubling ourselves," said Pantagruel,206 READINGS FROM RABELAIS."let us consider his gestures and speech. In themhave I remarked notable mysteries, yea, of suchweight, that I shall never henceforth be astonishedthat the Turks regard such fools as musaphis andprophets. Did not you take heed, before heopened his mouth to speak, how he shook andwagged his head? By the doctrine of the ancientphilosophers, the ceremonies of the magi, and theopinions of lawyers, you may judge that thismovement was caused by the coming and inspiration of the fatidic spirit; which, entering brisklyinto a small and feeble substance (for, as you know,a little head containeth not much brains) , was thecause of that commotion. A manifest examplewhereof appeareth in those who, fasting, are notable to carry to their head a cup of wine withouta trembling of the hand. This also of old thePythian sibyl prefigured when, before replying bythe oracle, she shook her domestic laurel. EvenLampridius says, that the Emperor Heliogabalus,in order to be reputed a seer at the festival of hisgreat idol, publicly wagged his head among hisfanatic priests. So also Plautus, in his Asinaria,declares that Saurias went along shaking his head,as if furious and out of his senses, making themthat saw him tremble. And in another placeshowing that Charmides shook his head becausehe was in a rapture." He says that you are a fool. And what kindPANTAGRUEL. 207Theof fool? A mad fool, who in your old age wouldenslave yourself to the bondage of matrimony.He says further, ware monk. Upon mine honour, it gives me in my mind that you will havereason to ware monk. Hereby perceive howmuch I attribute to the wise fool Triboulet.other oracles and responses did in the generalprognosticate that you would be betrayed, withoutopenly expressing the manner of the betrayer.This the noble Triboulet tells plainly. Moreover, he says that you will be the bagpipe ofBuzançay. And just as he who would ask ofLouis XII. for his brother the control of the saltof Buzançay, asked by mistake for the bagpipe;so you, meaning to marry a woman of virtue andhonour, will marry one void of prudence, full ofpride, wrangling, il tempered, like a bagpipe.Consider, withal, how he flirted you on the nosewith the bladder, and gave you a blow with hisfist upon the back. This denotes and presageththat you shall be banged, beaten, and robbed byher, just as you stole the hog's bladder from thelittle boys of Vaubreton.""Quite the contrary," replied Panurge; " notthat I would impudently exempt myself frombeing a vassal in the territory of folly. I hold ofthat jurisdiction, and am subject thereto, I confessit. The whole world are fools. Everybody isa fool. Solomon says that infinite is the number208 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.of fools. From an infinity nothing can be deducted, nor can anything thereto be added, asAristotle proves. Therefore were I a mad fool,if, being a fool, I should not hold myself a fool.But the rest of his talk and gesture maketh altogether for me. He said to my wife, ' Ware monk,'or moyne, which is the same as moineau or sparrow. It is a sparrow, therefore, that she will love,like Catullus's Lesbia; a sparrow who will pickup flies, and pass his time in that as joyouslyas Domitian the fly- catcher. Further, he saidthat she should be country- bred, and as pleasingas a bagpipe of Buzançay. The veridical Tribouletwell knew my natural and internal affections.For you may be assured that the gay dishevelledshepherdesses, who smell of the clover- grass, pleaseme more than the ladies in magnificent courts,with their rich attire and their odorous perfumes.The sound of a rustic hornpipe is more agreeableto my ears than the warbling of lutes, rebecs, andAulic violins. He gave me a thwack on my back-what then? Let it pass, for the love of God, asan abatement of, and deduction from, future pains.in purgatory. He did it not out of any evil intent.He thought to have hit some of the pages. He isan honest fool. As for myself, I heartily pardonhim. He flirted me on the nose. That shall betoken the little frolics betwixt my wife and me,which happen to all new-married folks.PANTAGRUEL. 209"There is as yet another point which you havenot at all considered on; yet it is the knot ofthe matter. He put the bottle in my hand andrestored it me again. How interpret you thatpassage? What is the meaning of that? ""He possibly," quoth Pantagruel, " signifieththereby, that your wife will be a drunkard.""Quite otherwise," said Panurge; " for the bottlewas empty. I swear to you, by the backbone ofSt Fiacre in Brie, that our wise fool Tribouletreferreth me to the bottle. Therefore do I renewafresh the first vow which I made, and here inyour presence make oath by Styx and Acheron, tocarry still spectacles in my cap until upon the enterprise in hand I obtain an answer from the DivineBottle. I know a prudent gentleman, a friend ofmine, who knoweth the land, country, and placewhere is its temple and oracle. He will guide usthither safely. Let us go together, I beseech you.I will be to you an Achates, a Damis, a companion in the whole voyage. I have of a longtime known you to be a lover of peregrination,desirous still to learn, and still to see. We shallsee wonderful things, believe me."·"Very willingly," replied Pantagruel." Butbefore we enter upon this long journey, full ofhazards, full of dangers- """What dangers? " asked Panurge, interruptinghim. " Dangers fly from me whithersoever I go,210 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.seven leagues around, as before the sovereign themagistrate is eclipsed; or as darkness vanishes atthe coming of the sun; or as sicknesses did suddenly depart at the approach of the body of StMartin at Quande.""Nevertheless," said Pantagruel, " before we setforward, some few points are to be expedited. Firstlet us send back Triboulet to Blois. " Which wasinstantly done, after that Pantagruel had given hima frieze coat. " Secondly, we must take counseland leave of the king my father. And lastly, it ismost needful and expedient for us, that we searchfor and find out some Sibyl for guide and interpreter. "To this Panurge made answer, that his friendXenomanes would abundantly suffice; and that,furthermore, in passing through Lantern - land,they should take some learned and useful Lantern,who would be to them in their voyage what theSibyl was to Æneas, in his descent to the Elysianfields."I prognosticate," said Pantagruel, " that by theway we shall engender no melancholy. I clearlyperceive it already. The only thing that vexethme is, that I do not speak the Lantern language. "" I will," answered Panurge, " speak for you all .I understand it every whit as well as I do mineown maternal tongue; I have been no less used toit than to the vulgar French. "PANTAGRUEL. 211[ Everything else having now been tried and failed, thereremains only the oracle of the Divine Bottle, which it isnow resolved upon consulting. " It can be reached by along and perilous voyage in unknown seas and amongislands little visited. The dangers of the expedition makeit the more attractive to Pantagruel. That great traveller,Xenomanes, will act as their guide and interpreter. Epistemon, Carpalim, Eusthenes ( Knowledge, Dexterity, Strength)will accompany the party. An immense fleet is gathered atSt Malo, although at the beginning of the work we weresupposed to be in Dipsodie, far beyond the Cape of GoodHope. The ships are laden with every kind of provision."Especially there is provided good store of the marvellousherb Pantagruelion or hemp. ]THE HERB PANTAGRUELION.The herb Pantagruelion hath a little root, somewhat hard, roundish, terminating in an obtuse point,and is never more than a cubit deep in the ground.From the root thereof proceedeth the stalk, round ,cane-like, green without, whitish within, hollow like.the stem of smyrnium, olus atrum, beans, and gentian; woody, straight, easy to be broken, notched alittle in form of a column lightly striated, full offibres, in which consisteth all the dignity of a herb,especially in the part called mesa, as one wouldsay the mean; and in that other, which is calledmylasea. Its height is commonly five or six feet.Yet sometimes it doth surpass the length of a lance212 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.-namely, when it meeteth with a sweet, easy,warm, wet soil, -as is Olone, and that of Rosea,near Preneste in Sabinia, and that it want not forrain enough about the time of the summer solstice.The plant every year perisheth-not being a durable tree, either in the trunk, root, bark, or boughs.From the stalk there issue forth several largeand great branches, whose leaves, three times aslong as they are broad, are always green, roughlike the Orcanet, or Spanish Bugloss, hard, cutround about like a sickle, like betony, and endingin a point like the Macedonian pike, or like a surgeon's lancet. The shape of the leaves is notmuch different from that of the leaves of the ashtree, or of agrimony, and so much like the Eupatorium, that many skilful herbalists have called itthe Domestic Eupatorium, and the EupatoriumWild Pantagruelion. These leaves are at distancesdisposed around the stalk, by number in everyrank either of five or seven. Nature hath sohighly cherished this plant, that she hath endowedit in its leaves with these two odd numbers, divineand mysterious. The smell thereof is somewhatstrong, and not pleasing to delicate noses. Theseed mounteth up to the top of the stalk, and alittle below it.This is a numerous herb: for there is no lessabundance of it than of any other herb whatsoever It is either spherical, oblong, rhomboidal, .PANTAGRUEL. 213black, bright- coloured, tawny, hard, mantled witha fragile coat, delicious to all singing birds, such aslinnets, goldfinches, larks, canary birds, yellowhammers, and others. And although of old,amongst the Greeks, there was certain kind offritters, buns, and tarts made thereof, which theyate for daintiness after supper, to make the winerelish the better; yet is it of a difficult concoction,injurious to the stomach, engendereth bad blood,and by its exorbitant heat shocketh the brain andfilleth the head with grievous and noisome vapours. And as in divers plants there are two sexes,male and female, which we see in laurels, palms,cypresses, oaks, holms, asphodel, mandrake, fern,the agaric, birthwort, turpentine, penny-royal, peony,and others, even so in this herb there is a malewhich beareth no flower at all, yet aboundeth inseed, and a female which hath great store of littlewhitish flowers; nor doth it carry in it seed ofany worth at all. It hath also a larger leaf, softerthan that of the male, nor doth it grow to so greata height. This Pantagruelion is to be sown at thefirst coming of the swallows, and is to be pluckedout of the ground when the grasshoppers begin tobe a little hoarse.The herb Pantagruelion , under the autumnal equinox, is prepared several ways, according to the fancyofthe people and diversity of the climate. The firstinstruction of Pantagruel was, to divest the stalk of214 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.flowers and seed, to macerate it in stagnant, notrunning water, for five days, if the season be dryand the water hot-for nine or twelve if the weatherbe cloudy and the water cold-then to dry in thesun. After this it is in the shade to be peeled;then are the fibres, wherein consisteth its virtueand efficacy, to be separated from the woody part,which is unprofitable, except to make a clear flameto kindle the fire, and for the play of little children, to blow up hogs' bladders. Some daintyones use it secretly like siphons to suck up andwith their breath to draw the new wine by thebung.By these means is this herb put into a way todisplay its inestimable virtues, whereof I will discover a part-for to relate all is a thing impossible to do-as soon as I have interpreted to youits denomination.I find that plants are named after several ways.Some have taken the name of him who first foundthem, knew them, showed them, sowed them, improved them by culture, and appropriated them:as the Mercurialis from Mercury; Panacea fromPanace, daughter of Esculapius; Armois fromArtemis, who is Diana; Eupatorium from KingEupator; Telephion from Telephus; Euphorbiumfrom Euphorbus, King Juba's physician; Clymenosfrom Clymenus; Alcibiadium from Alcibiades;Gentian from Gentius, King of Sclavonia. And,PANTAGRUEL. 215formerly, so much was prized this prerogative ofgiving a name to newly discovered plants, that,just as a controversy arose betwixt Neptune andPallas, from which of the two the land discovered.by both should receive its denomination—thoughthereafter it was called and had the appellationof Athens, from Athenæ, which is Minerva—justso would Lyncus, King of Scythia, have treacherously slain the young Triptolemus, whom Cereshad sent to show unto mankind the use of corn,previously unknown; to the end that, after hismurder, he might impose his own name, and becalled, in immortal honour and glory, the inventorof a grain so profitable and necessary to humanlife. For the wickedness of which treasonableattempt he was by Ceres transformed into anounce.Other herbs and plants there are, which retainthe names of the countries from whence they weretransported as the Median apples from Media,where they were first found; Punic apples-that isto say, pomegranates—from Punicia; Ligusticum,which we call Lovage, from Liguria, the coast ofGenoa; Castanes, Persiques or peach-trees, Sabine,Stæchas from my Iles Hyéres; Spica Celtica, andothers.Others, from the admirable qualities that arefound in them: as Heliotropium, which is themarigold, because it followeth the sun, so that at216 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.the sun rising it spreads itself out, at his ascending it mounteth, at his declining it waneth, andwhen he is set it is close shut; Adiantum, because, although it grow near unto watery places,it will nevertheless retain no moisture; Hierachia,Eringium, and others.Others, from the metamorphosis of men andwomen of like name: as from Daphne, the laurelis called also Daphne; Myrtle from Myrsina;Pytis from Pytis; Cinara, which is the artichoke;Narcissus, Saffron, Smilax, and others.Others by similitude: as Hippuris, because ithath the likeness of a horse's tail; Alopecuris,which is like the tail of a fox; Psyllion , which islike a flea; Delphinium, a dolphin fish; Bugloss,an ox's tongue; Iris, a rainbow in its flowers;Myosota, the ear of a mouse; Coronopus, a crow'sfoot, and others. By reciprocal denomination, theFabii take their name, à fabis, beans; the Pisons,àpisis, peas; the Lentuli, from lentils; the Ciceros,from a sort of pulse. In some plants and herbsthe name hath been taken from a higher resemblance, as when we say Venus' hair, Venus' bath,Jupiter's beard, Jupiter's eye, Mars' blood, Mercury's fingers, and others. Some, again, have received their names from their forms: such as thetrefoil, because it is three- leaved; Pentaphylon, forhaving five leaves; Serpolet, because it creepethalong the ground.PANTAGRUEL. 217By such ways, the fabulous being only excepted ,for the Lord forbid that we should use fables inthis a so veritable history, is this herb calledPantagruelion; for Pantagruel was the discovererthereof. I do not say of the plant itself, but of acertain use which it serves for, exceeding odiousand hateful to thieves, unto whom it is more contrarious and hurtful than the strangle-weed andchoke-fitch is to the flax, than the cats-tail to thebrakes, sheave - grass to mowers, fitches to peas,darnel to barley, hatchet-fitch to lentils, antramiumto beans, tares to wheat, ivy to walls, ferule andbirch to the scholars of the college of Navarre,cole-wort to vine, garlic to the load- stone, onionsto the sight, fern-seed to women with child, yewtree shade to those that sleep under it, wolf's- baneto pards and wolves, the smell of the fig-tree tomad bulls, hemlock to goslings, purslane to theteeth, or oil to trees. For we have seen many ofthem, by virtue and right application of this herb,finish their lives, short and long, after the manner ofPhyllis, Queen of Thracia; of Bonosus, Emperor ofRome; of Amata, King Latinus's wife; of Iphis,Autolia, Lycambes, Arachne, Phædra, Leda, Acheus, King of Lydia, and others; ¹ with this only displeased, that, without being otherwise sick, by thePantagruelion, they came on a sudden to have thepassage through which issue good words, and enter¹ All of whom hanged themselves.218 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.good morsels, stopped, and that more villanouslythan could have been done by mortal quinsy.Others we have heard, at the instant whenAtropos was cutting the thread of their life, thatPantagruel held them by the gorge. But, well- aday! it was not Pantagruel; he never was anexecutioner. It was the Pantagruelion, doing theoffice of a rope and serving them for a cravat. Iswear to you here, by the good words which arein that bottle, which is a- cooling below in thetub, that the noble Pantagruel never snatched anyman by the throat, except those who were careless.and negligent in preventing of thirst.It is also termed Pantagruelion by a similitude.For Pantagruel, at his birth, was no less tall thanthis herb is long, whereof I speak unto you,-hismeasure having been then taken the more easilythat he was born in the season of drought, when theygather the said herb, and when the dog of Icarus,with his barking at the sun, maketh the wholeworld Troglodyte, and enforceth people everywhereto hide themselves in dens and subterranean caves.It is likewise called Pantagruelion because of itsvirtues and properties. For as Pantagruel hathbeen the idea and exemplar of all joyous perfection, I believe there is none of you, gentlemendrinkers, that putteth any question-so in thisPantagruelion have I found so many virtues, somuch energy, so many perfections, so many ad-PANTAGRUEL. 219mirable effects, that, if the worth thereof had beenknown, when those trees, by the relation of theprophet, made election of a wooden king to ruleand govern over them, it without doubt would havecarried away from all the rest the plurality of votesand suffrages.I shall forbear to tell you how the juice orsap thereof, being poured and distilled within theears, killeth every kind of vermin that by anymanner of putrefaction cometh to be bred there,and destroyeth also any other animal that shallhave entered in thereat. If, likewise, you put thesaid juice within a pail of water, you shall see thewater instantly grow thick, as if it were milk- curds,so great is the virtue; and the water thus curdedis a present remedy for horses subject to thecolic, and such as strike at their own flanks.The root thereof well boiled mollifieth shrunkennerves, contracted knuckles, and gouty joints.If you would speedily heal a burning, whetheroccasioned by water or fire, apply thereto a littleraw Pantagruelion-that is to say, as it cometh outof the ground, without any other preparation orcomposition; but have a special care to change itas soon as you find it waxing dry upon the sore.Without this herb kitchens would be detested;tables abhorred, although they were covered withexquisite viands; the beds without delight, althoughthey were adorned with gold, silver, ivory, por-220 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.phyry, and the mixture of most precious metals.Without it millers could neither carry wheat tothe mill, nor would they be able to bring backflour. Without it, how could the pleadings oflawyers be brought to the bar? How could theplaster be brought to the workshop without it?Without it, how should the water be drawn fromthe well? Without it, what would do tabellions,copyists, secretaries, and scriveners? Were it notfor this, what would become of the toll- rates andrent-rolls? Would not the noble art of printingperish without it? How should the bells be rung?All the lanific trees of the Chinese, the cottonbushes of Tyla in the Persian Sea, the Arabiancotton - trees, do not clothe so many personsas this one herb alone. It covers armies againstthe cold and the rain, more commodiously thanformerly when they were protected by skins.shades theatres and amphitheatres from the heatof a scorching sun. It begirdeth forests and grovesfor the pleasure of hunters. It descendeth intoboth salt and fresh water for the profit of fishers.By it are boots, buskins, gamashes, shoes, pumps,slippers, wrought in form and use. By it bows arestrung, cross-bows bended, and slings made. And,as if it were an herb every whit as holy as thevervain, and reverenced by ghosts and hobgoblins,the bodies of deceased men are never buried without it.ItPANTAGRUEL. 221I will proceed yet further. By means of this fineherb, invisible substances are visibly arrested, taken,detained, and, as it were, put into prison. Bytheircapture are great and heavy millstones turned easily,to the wonderful profit of human life. And I amastonished how the invention of this practice wasconcealed from the ancient philosophers, considering the inestimable utility which proceeds from it,and the immense labour which, without it, they didundergo in their bakeshops. By virtue of this herb,through the retention of the aerial waves, are hugebarges, great telamons, mighty galleons, ships witha thousand and ten thousand men, launched fromtheir stations, and set agoing at the pleasure oftheir steersman. By the help of this herb thosenations whom nature seemed to have kept hiddenfrom us, impermeable and unknown, are now arrived to us, and we to them. Things which birdscould not do, how swift soever they had been onthe wing, and notwithstanding the power of swimming through the air given them by nature.Ceylon hath seen Lapland; Java, the Riphæanmountains; Phebol shall see Thelema; and theIcelanders and Greenlanders shall see Euphrates.By it Boreas hath surveyed the mansions ofAuster; Eurus hath visited Zephyrus. Yea, insuch sort that the celestial intelligences, the godsboth marine and terrestrial, they were frightened,seeing how, by means of this blest Pantagruelion ,222 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.the Arctic people looking upon the Antarctic,scoured the Atlantic Ocean, passed the tropics,pushed through the torrid zone, measured all thezodiac, sported under the equinoctial, and hadboth poles in sight, level with their horizon.The Olympic gods, in great affright, said, “ Pantagruel hath plunged us into new and tediousmeditation, more than ever did the Aloides, by theuse and virtues of this herb. He will be shortlymarried. By his wife he shall have children. Itlies not in our power to oppose this destiny; for ithath passed through the hands and spindles of theFatal Sisters, the Daughters of Necessity. By hissons may be found out an herb of like energy; bythe aid thereof they may contrive a way for humankind to visit the spring- head of the hail, the sluicesof the rain, the workshop of thunderbolts. Theywill be able to invade the regions of the moon,enter the territories of the celestial signs, andthere take up their abode, some at Golden Eagle,some at the Ram, some at the Crown, some at theHarpe, the others at the Silver Line; sit at tablewith us, and take our goddesses to wife, which isthe only way to be deified." Then they found aremedy to obviate this by deliberation and counsel.I have already related to you great and admirablethings; but, if you might be induced to adventureupon the hazard of believing some other divinityof this sacred Pantagruelion , I very willingly wouldPANTAGRUEL. 223tell it you. Believe it or not, it is all one to me.It is sufficient for me to have told you the truth.The truth I will tell you. If you take of this celestial Pantagruelion so much as is needful to coverthe body of the dead, and after that you shallhave enwrapped it therein, and sewed up the folding - sheet with thread of the same stuff, throwit into the fire, great and ardent as you wish;the fire through this Pantagruelion will burn thebody and reduce to ashes the bones, and thePantagruelion shall be not only not consumednor burnt, but also shall neither lose one atomof the ashes enclosed within it, nor receive oneatom of the ashes from the pyre, but shall at last,when taken out of the fire, be fairer, whiter, andmuch cleaner than when you did put it in first.Therefore it is called Asbestos, which is as muchas to say incombustible. Great plenty is to befound thereof in Carpasia, as likewise in Syene,very cheap. O great thing! O wonderful thing!The fire, which devoureth all, consumeth and destroyeth all, cleanses, purges, and whitens thissole Pantagruelion Carpasian Asbestos! If youmistrust this, and demand the proof of it by avisible sign, like Jews and infidels, take a freshegg, and enfold it within this divine Pantagruelion.When it is so wrapped up, put it into the hotembers of a fire, how great or ardent soever it be.Leave it there as long as you will. At last you224 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.shall take out the egg roasted hard, and as it wereburnt, without any alteration, change, mutation, orso much as a calefaction of the sacred Pantagruelion. For less than fifty thousand Bordelaiscrowns sterling, reduced to the twelfth part of onefarthing, you will have made proof thereof.Do not compare with it the Salamander. Iconfess that that is a fib; a little straw fire maygladden and cheer it up, yet I assure you, that in agreat fire it is, like any other animal, suffocatedand consumed. We have seen an experimentthereof. Galen many ages ago hath clearly demonstrated and confirmed it, lib. 3. De Temperamentis. Do not here instance the feather alum, orthe wooden tower in the Piræus, which Lucius Syllawas never able to get burnt, for that Archelaus,governor ofthe town for Mithridates, King of Pontus, had plastered it all over with the said alum.Nor must you compare therewith the herb whichAlexander Cornelius called Eonem, and said thatit had some resemblance with that oak which bearsthe mistletoe, and that it could neither be consumed nor injured by fire, nor by water, no morethan the mistletoe; and of this was built the renowned ship Argos. Search where you pleasefor those that will believe it. I excuse myself.Neither would I wish you to parallel therewith—though it is marvellous-that sort of tree whichgroweth along the mountains of Briançon andPANTAGRUEL. 225Ambrun, which produceth out of its root goodagaric. From its body it yieldeth unto us soexcellent a rosin, that Galen ventures to equal itwith the turpentine. Upon its delicate leaves it retaineth that sweet heavenly honey which is calledmanna; and, although it be gummy and oily, it isnotwithstanding unconsumable by any fire. Itis in the Greek and Latin called Larix. TheAlpinese name is Melze. The Anternorides andVenetians term it Larége; from which was namedthat castle in Piedmont of Larignum, which deceived Julius Cæsar on going into Gaul.Julius Cæsar had commanded all the boors andinhabitants of the Alps and Piedmont, to bring allmanner of victuals and provision for an army tothe stages on the military road, for the use of hismarching soldiery. To which ordinance all wereobedient, save those who were within Larignum;these, trusting in the natural strength of the place,would not pay their contribution. To chastisethem for their refusal, the emperor caused hiswhole army to march to the place. Before thegate was erected a tower built of huge spars of theLarix, bound together one upon another, after thefashion of a stack of timber, carried up to such aheight, that from the machicoulis they could withstones and levers easily drive off such as shouldapproach .When Cæsar understood that those within hadP226 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.no other defence than stones and clubs, and thatthey could not hurl darts at the approaches, hecommanded his men to throw store of fa*gots andfascines round about, and set them on fire. Whichwas incontinently done. The fire put to the fa*gots,the flame was so great and so high, that it coveredthe whole castle, whence they thought that verysoon the tower would be burnt and demolished.Nevertheless, when the flame ceased, and the fa*gots were consumed, the tower appeared entire without any damage. Cæsar, after consideration, commanded a compass to be taken without, at the distance of a stone- cast from the castle, round aboutit; there, with ditches and intrenchments to forma blockade; thereupon the Larignans rendered themselves upon terms. And then, by relation from them,Cæsar learned the admirable nature of this wood,which of itself produceth neither fire, flame, norcoal, and would therefore, in regard of that quality, be worthy of being admitted into the rank ofthe true Pantagruelion; and that so much therather, for that Pantagruel directed that all thegates, doors, windows, gutters, and roofs in theabbey of Thelema should be all made of this timber.He likewise caused to cover therewith the sterns,stems, galleys, hatchets, decks, courses, and bulwarks of his carricks, ships, galleons, galleys,brigantines, foysts, and other vessels of his Thalassian arsenal; were it not that the Larix in aPANTAGRUEL. 227great furnace, filled with the fuel of other kinds ofwood, cometh at last to be corrupted and dissipated,as are stones in a lime-kiln. But this PantagruelionAsbestos is rather renewed and cleansed, than consumed or changed.THE VOYAGE OF THE DIVE BOUTEILLE.In the month of June, on the day of the VestalFête, that on which Brutus conquered Spain andsubdued the Spaniards, that on which Crassus theavaricious was routed by the Parthians, Pantagruel, taking his leave of the good Gargantua, hisroyal father, who, according to the laudable customof the primitive Christians, devoutly prayed for thehappy voyage of his son and his whole company,took shipping at the port of Thalassa, accompaniedby Panurge, Friar John des Entommeures, Epistemon, Gymnast, Eusthenes, Rhizotomus, Carpalim,and others of his old servants, together with Xenomanes, the great voyager and traverser of perilousways, who certain days before had arrived by invitation of Panurge.The number of ships were such as I describedin the third book, convoyed by a like number oftriremes, men- of- war, galleons, and feluccas, wellfound, well caulked, and well stored with Pantagruelion.228 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.All the officers, interpreters, pilots, captains,mates, boatswains, midshipmen, quartermasters,and sailors, met on the Thalamege. Thus wasnamed Pantagruel's great and principal ship,which had in her stern for ensign a large bottle,half silver, well polished, the other half of gold,enamelled with carnation; whereby it was easyto guess that white and red were the colours ofthe noble travellers, and that they went in searchofthe word of the Bottle.On the stern of the second was a lantern ofantique shape, industriously made with diaphanous stone, implying that they were to pass byLantern-land. The third ship had for her device afine deep ewer of porcelain. The fourth, a doublehanded jar of gold, much like an ancient urn. Thefifth, a famous can, made of sperm of emerald.The sixth, a monk's bottle, made of the fourmetals together. The seventh, a funnel of oak,embossed with gold. The eighth, an ivy goblet,very precious, inlaid with gold. The ninth, a vaseof fine gold. The tenth, a tumbler of aromaticaloes wood, edged with Cyprian gold. The eleventh, a golden grape- basket of mosaic work. Thetwelfth, a runlet of unpolished gold, covered witha small vine in large Indian pearls. Insomuchthat there was not a man, however sad, troubled,gloomy, or melancholy he were, even were he Heracl*tus the weeper, but seeing this noble convoyPANTAGRUEL. 229of ships and their devices, must have entered intonew gladness, smiled with a good heart, said thatthe travellers were all honest topers, and havejudged, by sure prognostication, that the voyage,both outward and homeward bound, would beperformed in mirth and perfect health.On the Thalamege, where was the general meeting, Pantagruel made a short but sweet exhortation, wholly backed with authorities from Scripture,upon navigation; which being ended, with an audible voice prayers were said in the presence andhearing of the burghers of Thalassa, who hadflocked to the mole to see them take shipping.After the prayers was melodiously sung a psalmof the holy King David, which begins, " WhenIsrael went out of Egypt; " and that being ended,tables were placed upon deck, and a feast speedilyserved up. The Thalassians, who had also sungthe above-named psalm, caused store of vivers andvinegar to be brought. All drank to them; theydrank to all, which was the cause that none of thewhole company gave up what they had eaten, norwere troubled with pains at the head and stomach,which inconveniency they could not so easily haveprevented by drinking, for some time before, saltwater, either alone or mixed with wine, or by usingquinces, citron-peel , juice of pomegranates, sweetor sour, fasting a long time, covering their stomachswith paper, or following such other idle remedies230 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.as foolish physicians prescribe to those who goto sea.Having often renewed their tipplings, each manretired on board his own ship, and then theyset sail with a wind at south- east, according tothe route laid down by the chief pilot, JametBrayer. For seeing that the Oracle of the HolyBacbuc lay near Cathay, in Upper India, his advice,and that of Xenomanes also, was not to takethe usual course the Portuguese use, who, passing over the torrid zone and the Cape of GoodHope, at the south point of Africa, beyond theequinoctial line, and losing sight of the northern pole, their guide, make a prodigious longvoyage. But rather to follow near the parallelof the said India, and to tack to the westwardof the said pole, so that turning under the north,they might find themselves in the latitude of theport of Olonne, without coming nearer it, for fearof being shut up in the frozen sea; whereas, following this canonical course by the said parallel, theymust have that on the right to the eastward, whichat their departure was on their left.This turned out incredibly profitable to them;for without shipwreck, danger, or loss of men, withuninterrupted good weather, except one day nearthe island of the Macreons, they performed, in lessthan four months, the voyage of Upper India,which the Portuguese, with a thousand incon-PANTAGRUEL. 231veniences and innumerable dangers, can hardlycomplete in three years. And it is my opinion,with submission to better judgments, that thiscourse was perhaps steered by those Indians whosailed to Germany, and were honourably receivedby the King of the Swedes, while Quintus MetellusCeler was pro- consul of the Gauls, as CorneliusNepos, Pomponius Mela, and Pliny after them,tell us.[ The first land they made was the island of Medamothy,the land of Show and Ostentation. Here they see and buypictures and strange animals. Pantagruel also receives anddespatches letters to Gargantua. On the fifth day, havingagain set sail, they discover a merchantman to windward,and, on hailing her, find that she is full of passengers fromLantern-land, whither they were going. While they werelistening to the news, Panurge had a quarrel with a sheepmerchant of Taillebourg, named Dindenault. The quarrel,which was short, being hushed up by the interposition ofthe captain and some of the passengers, Dindenault andPanurge shook hands, and drank in token of reconciliation.But Panurge bore malice, and said secretly to Epistemonand Friar John-]" Stand a little out of the way, and joyously seethe sport. There will be fine play." Then addressing himself to the drover, he took off to him.a bumper ofgood Lantern wine. The other pledgedhim briskly and courteously. This done, Panurgeearnestly entreated him to sell one of his sheep.The merchant replied, " Alas! alas! my friend,232 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.my neighbour, you well know how to trick poorfolk. Truly you are a good customer. In goodfaith, you look more like a cutter of purses thana buyer of sheep. Deu, Colas! my son, what ablessing it would be to have a full purse near youat a tripe-house, when it began to thaw! Han!han! did not we know you well, you might serveone a slippery trick! "Patience," said Panurge; " but to the point, byspecial grace, sell me one of your sheep. Come,how much? ""What do you mean, master of mine? " answered the other. They are long-woolled sheep:from these did Jason take his golden fleece. Theorder of the house of Burgundy was drawn fromthem. They are oriental sheep, full-grown sheep,sheep of quality." 1" Be it so," said Panurge; "but sell me one ofthem, I beseech you, paying you ready moneyupon the nail, in good and lawful coin. Howmuch?"" Friend, neighbour," answered the seller of mutton, " hark ye me a little, on the other ear."Panurge. " At your service. "Dindenault. "You are going to Lantern-land? "Pan. "Yea, verily."Dind. "To see the world? "Pan. "Yea, verily."Dind. "And be merry?"PANTAGRUEL. 233Pan. "Yea, verily."Dind. "Your name is, as I take it, RobinMutton? "Pan. "As you please. "Dind. " Nay, without offence."Pan. "So I understand it. "Dind. "You are, as I take it, the king's jester;are not you? "Pan. "Yea, verily."Dind. " Give me your hand. Ha, ha! you go tosee the world, you are the king's jester, your nameis Robin Mutton! Look at this sheep here. Hisname, too, is Robin. Here, Robin, Robin, Robin!Baa, baa, baa! Hath he not a rare voice?"Pan. "Avery fine and harmonious voice. "Dind. "Well, this bargain shall be made betweenyou and me, friend and neighbour. You, who areRobin Mutton, shall be put into this one of myscales, and this other Robin Mutton into the otherscale. I will bet a hundred of oysters that inweight, value, and price, he will outdo you highand low; in such way as you will be some daysuspended and hanged. "" Patience," said Panurge; " but youmuch for me, and for your posterity, ifwould doyou wouldsell him, or one of his inferiors, to me. I beg itof you; good your worship, be so kind. "" Hark ye, friend of mine," answered the other," with the fleece of these sheep is made the fine234 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Rouen cloth; your wool of Limestre is mere flockin comparison. Of their skins the best moroccowill be made, which shall be sold for Turkey andMontelimart, or for Spanish leather at least. Ofthe bowels shall be made fiddle and harp strings,that will sell as dear as if they came from Monacoor Aquileia. What do you think of it, hah? "" If you please, sell me one of them," said Panurge, " and I will be yours for ever. Look, here isready cash. How much? " This he said, exhibiting his purse stuffed with new gold Henries." My friend and neighbour," answered Dindenault, " they are meat for none but kings andprinces: their flesh is so delicate, so savoury, andso dainty, that it is balm. I bring them out of acountry where the very hogs live on nothing butmyrobalans. The sows, when they lie-in, are fedonly with orange- flowers."" But," said Panurge, " drive a bargain with mefor one of them, and I will pay you for it like aking. How much?""Myfriend and neighbour," answered the trader,"these sheep are lineally descended from the ramwhich bore Phryxus and Helle over the sea, sincecalled the Hellespont.""Cancre!" cried Panurge, " you are clericus veladdiscens!""Ità are cabbages, and verè are leeks," answeredthe merchant. " But rr, rrr, rrrr, rrrrr, ho Robin,PANTAGRUEL. 235rr, rrrrrrr, you do not understand that gibberish,do you? The truth is they cost me money, thatthey do. ""Cost what they will," cried Panurge, “ tradewith me for one of them, if I pay you well."" Friend and neighbour," said the merchant,consider a little the wonders of nature that arefound in those animals, even in a member whichone would think were of no use. Take me butthese horns, and bray them a little with an ironpestle, or with an andiron, which you please, thenbury them wherever you will, provided it be wherethe sun may shine, and water them frequently; ina short time you will see spring up the bestasparagus in the world, not even excepting thoseof Ravenna."" Patience," said Panurge.- ――"I do not know whether you be a scholar orno," pursued Dindenault. "But if you were ascholar, you should know that in the most inferiormembers of these divine animals-which are thefeet there is a bone which is the heel. theastragalus, if you will have it so, wherewith, andwith that of no other creature breathing, exceptthe Indian ass, and the dorcades of Libya, theyused in old times to play at the royal game ofdice, whereat Augustus the emperor won abovefifty thousand crowns one evening.""Patience," said Panurge; " but let us despatch. "236 READINGS FROM RABELAIS."And when, my friend and neighbour," continuedthe merchant, " shall I have duly praised the inwardmembers, the shoulders, the legs, the knuckles,the neck, the breast, the liver, the spleen, the tripes,the kidneys, the bladder, wherewith they makefootballs; the ribs, which serve in Pigmy-land tomake little cross-bows, to pelt the cranes withcherry-stones.""Ta, ta! " said the captain of the ship to themerchant; enough chattering. Sell him if thouwilt; if thou wilt not, play with him no longer. "" I will, for your sake," replied the merchant;"but then he shall give me three livres for eachpick and choose. ""It is much," cried Panurge; "in our country Icould have five-nay, six-for the money: see thatyou do not overreach me, master. You are not thefirst man whom I have known to have fallen, evensometimes to the endangering, if not breaking, ofhis own neck, for endeavouring to rise all at once. ""Quartan fevers seize thee! " cried the merchant;"the worst in this flock is four times better thanthose which in days of yore the Coraxians in Tuditania, a country of Spain, used to sell for a goldtalent each; and how much dost thou think, thoufool, that a talent of gold was worth? ""Sweet sir," said Panurge, "you fall into a passion, I see. Well, hold, here is your money."Panurge, having paid his money, chose him outPANTAGRUEL. 237of all the flock a fair great ram; and hauled italong, crying out and bleating, all the rest hearingand bleating in concert, and staring to see whithertheir brother ram should be carried. In the meanwhile the merchant was saying to his shepherds,"Ah! how well the knave could choose him out aram! he has skill in cattle. On my word, I reserved that ram for the Lord of Candale, wellknowing his disposition; for the good man is bynature joyous and gay when he holds a shoulder ofmutton, handsome and enticing, instead of a lefthanded racket, in one hand, with a good sharpcarver in the other. God wot, how he bestirs himself then."I do not know how; the thing was sudden; Ihad not leisure to mind it; Panurge, without anyfurther talk, throws his ram, bleating and crying,overboard into the middle of the sea. Upon this,all the other sheep in the ship, crying and bleatingin the same tone, began to leap into the sea, oneafter another; great was the throng who shouldleap in first after their leader. It was impossibleto hinder them: for you know that it is the natureof sheep always to follow the first, wheresoever itgoes; which makes Aristotle lib. 9, ' De. Hist.Animal.'-mark them for the most silly and foolishanimals in the world. The merchant, stark staringmad at seeing his sheep destroy and drown themselves before his face, strove to hinder and keep them-238 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.by might and main; but in vain all, one after theother, jumped into the sea, and were lost. At lasthe laid hold on a huge sturdy one by the fleece,upon the deck of the ship, hoping to keep it back,and so save that and the rest; but the ram was sostrong that it carried its master with it into the sea,where he was drowned,-in the same manner asthe sheep of one- eyed Polyphemus carried out ofthe den Ulysses and his companions. The likehappened to the shepherds, laying hold on this bythe horns, the other by the legs, and others by thefleece, who were all of them carried into the sea,and miserably drowned. Panurge, standing by thecook's galley, with an oar in his hand, not to helpthe shepherds, but to keep them from climbing upto the ship and saving themselves from drowning,preached eloquently, setting forth by rhetoricalcommonplaces the miseries of this world and theblessings of the next, assuring them that the deadare much happier than the living in this vale ofmisery, and promising to erect a stately cenotaphto every one of them on the highest summit ofMount Cenis at his return from Lantern-land;wishing them, nevertheless, in case life amonghumans was not displeasing to them, and drowning was not to their minds, they might have thegood luck to meet with some whale which, on thethird day subsequently, might set them ashore onsome land of Satin, after the example of Jonah.PANTAGRUEL. 239PROCURATION LAND.The next day we passed through Procuration, a country all blurred and blotted. I knewnothing about it. There we saw some pettifoggers and catchpoles, fellows of every kind.They neither invited us to eat or drink; but, witha multiplied train of scrapes and cringes, said theywere all at our service, for a consideration.One of our interpreters related to Pantagrueltheir strange way of living, diametrically oppositeto that of our modern Romans; for at Rome aworld of folks get their livelihood by poisoning,drubbing, and murdering. But the catchpoles earntheirs by being thrashed; so that if they were toremain long without a beating, they, with theirwives and children, would be starved."The way is this," said the interpreter. "Whena monk, priest, usurer, or lawyer, owes a grudge tosome neighbouring gentleman, he sends him one ofthese catchpoles. Catchpole will cite him, will servea writ upon him, will abuse him and affront him impudently, according to his record and instructions;insomuch that, if the gentleman hath not the palsy,and is not more stupid than a tadpole, he will beobliged either to apply a stick or his sword tohis head, or throw him out of the windows of hiscastle. This done, catchpole is rich for four240 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.months at least, as if bastinadoes were his real harvest; for the monk, usurer, or lawyer will pay himgood wages, and my gentleman damages so excessive that he will lose all his fortune, and be indanger of miserably dying in a prison, as if he hadstruck the king."Quoth Panurge, " I know an excellent remedyagainst this, used by the Lord of Basché. ""What is it? " asked Pantagruel."The Lord of Basché," said Panurge, " was abrave, honest, chivalrous gentleman, who, at hisreturn from the long war, in which the Duke ofFerrara, with the help of the French, bravely defended himself against the fury of Pope Julius theSecond, was every day cited, warned, and prosecuted, for the sport and fancy of the fat prior of StLovant."One morning, as he was at breakfast withsome of his domestics ( for he was kind and debonnair), he sent for one Loire his baker, and hisspouse, and with them for one Oudart, the vicar ofhis parish, who was also his butler, as the customwas then in France, and said to them, before hisgentleman and other servants, ' Children, you seehow I am daily plagued with these rascally catchpoles truly, if you do not lend me your helpinghand, I am finally resolved to leave the country,and go fight ' for the sultan and all the devils.Hereafter, when any of them come here, be readyPANTAGRUEL. 241you, Loire and your wife, to make your appearancein my great hall, in your finest wedding-clothes, asif they were betrothing you, and you were firstaffianced. Here, take a hundred crowns of gold,which I give you to keep you in a fitting garb. Asfor you, Sir Oudart, be sure you appear in fair surplice and stole, not forgetting your holy water, asif you were to wed them. Be you there also, Trudon, ' said he to his drummer, ' with your pipe andtabour. The form of matrimony read, and the bridekissed, at the beat of tabour all of you shall give oneanother the remembrance of the wedding, - thewhacks with your fists, bidding the party struck rememberthe nuptials by that token. But when youcome to the catchpole's turn, thrash him like asheaf of green rye; do not spare him, —maul him,drub him, swinge him, I pray you. Here, takethese little steel gauntlets, covered with kid. Givehim blows at random innumerable: he that giveshim most shall be my best friend. Fear not to becalled to an account about it; I will stand by you;for the blows must seem to be given in jest, as it iscustomary among us at all weddings.'" Ay, but how shall we know the catchpole? 'asked Oudart. All sorts of people daily resort tothis castle.'" I have taken care of that,' replied the lord.'When some fellow, either on foot or on a scurvyjade, with a broad silver ring on his thumb, comesQ242 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.to the door, he is certainly a catchpole. The porter, having civilly let him in, shall ring the bell;then be all ready, and come into the hall, to act thetragi-comedy, whose plot I have now laid for you.'"That same day, as chance would have it, camean old catchpole, fat and ruddy. Having knockedat the gate, he was by the porter recognised, byhis great spatterdashes, his hollow- flanked mare,his bag full of informations dangling at his girdle,but, above all, by the large silver hoop on his leftthumb."The porter was civil to him, admitted him kindly,and joyously rang the bell. As soon as they heardit, Loire and his wife they clapped on their fineclothes, and made their appearance in the hall,keeping grave mien. Oudart put on surplice andstole; and as he came out of his office met thecatchpole, had him in there, and gave him todrink a good while, while the gauntlets were drawing on all hands; and then said to him, ' Youcould not come at a better time; my lord is inhis right cue: we shall feast like kings anon; hereis to be swingeing doings; we have a wedding inthe house; drink, cheer up.'"While catchpole drank, Basché, seeing all hispeople in the hall in proper equipage, sends forOudart. Oudart comes with the holy water, followed by catchpole. He, as he came into thehall did not forget to make reverence, and humblyPANTAGRUEL. 243served Basché with a writ. Basché received himwith the greatest affection, gave him an angel,inviting him to assist at the contract and ceremony-which he did. When it was ended, fisticuffsbegan to fly about; but when it came to catchpole'sturn, they welcomed him with their gauntlets sowell, that he remained all stunned and batteredone eye black, eight ribs broken, his brisket sunk in,his omoplates in four quarters, his under jawbone inthree pieces; and all this in laughing. God knowshow Oudart helped, hiding within the sleeve of hissurplice his huge gauntlet lined with ermine, for hewas a strong fellow. Catchpole returned to L'IsleBouchard striped like a tiger, but well pleased andedified, however, with the Seigneur du Basché;and, with the help of the good surgeons of theplace, lived as long as you would have him. Sincewhen no one has spoken of him; the memory ofhim was lost with the sound of the bells whichcarolled at his funeral."Catchpole being gone, Basché sent for his lady,her women, and all his servants, into his privategarden; had wine brought, attended with goodstore of pasties, hams, fruit, and cheese; drankwith them joyfully, and then told them thisstory:-' Master Francis Villon , in his old age, retired toSt Maxent, in Poitou, under the patronage of awealthy abbot of the place. There, to make sport244 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.for the mob, he undertook to get " The Passion "acted after the way and in the Poitevin dialect.The parts being distributed, the play rehearsed,and the stage prepared, he told the mayor andaldermen that the mystery would be ready afterthe fair of Niort, and that there only wanted clothesfit for the parts; so the mayor and his brethrenundertook to get them.'Villon, to dress an old peasant who was to represent God the Father, begged of Friar Stephen Tappecoue-sacristan to the Cordeliers of the placeto lend him a cope and a stole. Tappecoue refusedalleging that by the provincial statutes it was rigorously forbidden to give or lend anything to players.Villon replied that the statute only concerned farces,mummeries, and dissolute games, and that this theypractised he had seen at Brussels and other places.Tappecoue, notwithstanding, peremptorily bid himprovide himself elsewhere if he would, and not tohope for anything out of his sacristy. Villon gavean account of this to the players in great abomination, adding that God would shortly revenge himself and make an example of Tappecoue.'The Saturday following he had notice given himthat Tappecoue, upon the convent filly, was goneen quête to St Ligarius, and would be back abouttwo in the afternoon. Knowing this, he made acavalcade of his devils of " The Passion " throughthe town and market. They were all rigged withPANTAGRUEL. 245wolves' , calves', and rams' skins, trimmed withsheep's heads, bulls' horns, and large kitchen tenterhooks, girt with broad straps; whereat hanged dangling huge cow- bells and horse-bells, which made ahorrid din. Some held in their claws black sticks fullof squibs; others had long lighted pieces of wood,upon which, at the corner of every street, they flungwhole handfuls of rosin-dust, that made a terriblefire and smoke. Having thus led them about, tothe great diversion of the mob and the dreadfulfear of little children, he finally carried them toa banquet at a summer- house without the gatethat leads to St Ligarius.'As they came near to the place, he espied Tappecoue afar off coming home, and told them in macaronic verseHic est de patria, natus de gente belistra,Qui solet antiquo bribas portare bisacco." Par la mort Dieu!" said the devils then; " hewould not lend for God the Father a poor copelet us fright him. ""Well said!" cried Villon; " let us hide ourselvestill he comes by, and then charge your squibs andsticks."'Tappecoue being come to the place, they allrushed on a sudden into the road before him, andin a frightful manner threw fire from all sides uponhim and his filly, ringing their bells and howling246 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.like real devils, " Hho, hho, hho, hho, brrrou rrours,rrourrs, rrrourrs, hoo, hou, hou hho, hho, hho!Friar Stephen, don't we play the devils rarely? "The filly, scared out of her senses, began toshy, to trot, to bound, to gallop, to kick, and tojump; insomuch that she threw down Tappecoue,though he held fast by the tree of the pack- saddlewith might and main. Now his stirrups were ofcord; and on the right side his sandals were soentangled and twisted, that he could not get outhis foot. Thus he was dragged about by the fillythrough the road-she still multiplying her kicksagainst him, and jumping for fear over hedge andditch, insomuch that she broke his skull, so that hisbrains were dashed out near the Hosanna or highcross. Then his arms fell to pieces -one this wayand the other that way; and even so were his legsserved at the same time; so that, being got to theconvent, she brought back only his right foot andtwisted sandal.'Villon, seeing that things had succeeded as heintended, said to his devils, " You will play rarely,gentlemen devils, you will play rarely, I assureyou. Oh, how well you will play! I defy thedevilry of Saumur, Douay, Montmorillon, Langez,St Espain, Angers-nay, by gad! even those ofPoictiers-for all their bragging, should they becompared with you. Oh, how well you will play! "' Thus, friends,' said Basché, I foresee thatPANTAGRUEL. 247hereafter you will act rarely this tragical farce,since the very first time Chiquanous has by youbeen so eloquently bethwacked, belammed, andbetickled. From this day I double all yourwages. As for you, my dear,' said he to his lady,' make your gratifications as you please; you aremy treasurer, you know. For my part, first andforemost, I drink to you all. Come on, it is goodand cool. In the second place you, my maîtred'hotel, take this silver basin, I give it you. You,my gentlemen of the horse, take these two silvergilt cups. You, the pages, shall not be floggedfor three months. My dear, let them have mybest white plumes of feathers with the goldspangles. Sir Oudart, this silver flagon falls toyour share; this other I give to the cooks. Tothe valets de chambre I give this silver basket; tothe grooms, this silver- gilt boat to the porterthese two plates; to the hostlers, these ten soupladles. Trudon, take you these silver spoons andthis sugar- box. You, footmen, take this large saltdish. Serve me well, friends, and I will rememberyou. Par la vertus Dieu! I had rather bear in warone hundred blows on my helmet in the service ofour good king, than be once cited by these mastiffcatchpoles for the pleasure of such a fat prior. '"Four days after, another young, tall, raw- bonedcatchpole came to cite Basché at the fat prior's request. At his arrival, he was at once recognised248 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.by the porter, and the bell was rung. At the soundof this, all the family understood the mystery.Loire was kneading his dough; his wife was siftingmeal; Oudart was in his office; the gentlemen.were playing at tennis; the Seigneur du Baschéwas playing at three- hundred-and-three with mylady; the gentlewomen were playing at push-pin;the officers were playing at lanterlue: and the pageswere playing at ' How many fingers do I hold up? 'They were all immediately informed that catchpole was housed." Upon this, Oudart put on his surplice; Loireand his wife took their fine dresses; Trudon playedhis flute and beat his tabour. Basché went downinto the outward yard; the catchpole, meetinghim, fell on his knees, begged of him not to takeit ill if he served him with a writ at the suit of thefat prior; and in an eloquent harangue set forth .that he was a public person—a servant of monkery,apparitor to the abbatial mitre, ready to do forhim-nay, for the least of his servants-whatsoeverit would please my lord to command him." Nay, truly,' said the lord, ' you shall not serveyour writ till you have tasted some of my Quinquenays wine, and assisted at the wedding whichwe are presently to have. Messire Oudart, let himdrink and refresh himself, and then bring him intothe hall. Be welcome. '"Catchpole, well fed and well drunk, came withPANTAGRUEL. 249Oudart to the hall, where all the actors in the farcestood in order and resolute. At their entry everybody began to smile. Chiquanous laughed forcompany when Oudart had spoken the words overthe couple, touched their hands, kissed the bride,and sprinkled the holy water. While they werebringing wine and sweetmeats, thumps began totrot. Catchpole gave Oudart some. Oudart, whohad his gauntlet hidden under his surplice, drewit on like a mitten; then began he to thwackcatchpole and whack catchpole; then began ashower of young gauntlets to pour upon catchpole.'The wedding! ' they cried, -' the wedding! thewedding! Remember the wedding! '"So well was he sorted, that the blood came outof his mouth, his nose, his ears, his eyes. In theend he remained with one shoulder out, brokenand bruised in head, neck, back, breast, arm, andall. Never did the bachelors at Avignon, incarnival time, play more melodiously à la Raphethan was then played on catchpole. At last down.he fell."They threw wine upon his face, tied round thesleeve of his doublet a fine yellow and green favour,and got him upon his beast. Getting back to L'IsleBouchard, I know not whether he was dressedand looked after by his spouse and the doctorsof the country; for the thing never came to myears.250 READINGS FROM RABELAIS."The next day the same thing happened, becauseit did not appear by the lean catchpole's bag thathe had served his writ. So the fat prior sent a newcatchpole, with two bailiffs for his safety. Theporter ringing the bell, the whole family was overjoyed, knowing that catchpole was there. Baschéwas at dinner with his lady and gentlemen; hesent for catchpole, made him sit by himself, andthe bailiffs by the maids, and they dined well andjoyously. The dessert being served, catchpolearose from table, and, in the presence and hearing of the bailiffs, cited Basché. Basché kindlyasked him for a copy of the warrant; it was athand ready: he then took a copy of the summons.To catchpole and his bailiffs he ordered fourcrowns to be given. In the meantime all werewithdrawn for the farce. Trudon began to soundhis tabour. Basché invited catchpole to stay andsee one of his servants married, and witness thecontract of marriage, paying him his fee. Catchpolewas courteous, took out his ink-horn, got paperimmediately, and his bailiffs by him." Loire came into the hall at one door, his wifewith the gentlewomen at another, in nuptial accoutrements. Oudart, in surplice, took them bothby their hands, asked them their will, gave themthe matrimonial blessing, without sparing the holywater. The contract was signed and registered;on one side were brought wine and comfits; onPANTAGRUEL. 251the other, white and orange favours; on another,gauntlets privately handed about."Catchpole, having tossed off a great glass ofBreton wine, said to Basché, ' Pray, sir, what doyou mean? Do you not give one another thewedding? Sainsainbreguoy! all good customsare forgotten. We find the form, but the hareis scampered. There are no friends nowadays.You see how, in some churches, the ancienttippling for the blessed saints at Christmas iscome to nothing. The world is in its dotage. Itapproaches its end.the wedding! the wedding!'struck Basché and his lady; then the bridesmaidsand the priest. Then the gauntlets began to dotheir duty insomuch that the catchpole had hiscrown cracked in nine places. One of the bailiffshad his right arm put out of joint, and the otherhis mandibule dislocated; so that it hid half hischin, with a denudation of the uvula, and terrible loss of the molar, masticatory, and canineteeth. Then the tabour changed the music; thegauntlets were hidden, and sweetmeats afresh distributed with renewed mirth. They all drank toone another, and especially to catchpole and hisbailiffs. But Oudart cursed the wedding, complaining that one of the bailiffs had utterly disincornifistibulated his nether shoulder- blade. Nevertheless, he drank to him joyously.Now come on. The wedding!Thus saying, he252 READINGS FROM RABELAIS." The demandibulated bailiff joined his hands,and by signs begged his pardon; for speak hecould not. Loire made his moan, that the crippledbailiff had struck him so great a blow with hismutton-fist on the nether elbow, that he was grownquite esperruquancluzelubelouzerirelued down tohis very heel." But what harm had poor I done? ' cried Trudon, hiding his left eye with his kerchief, andshowing his tabour cracked on one side: theywere not satisfied with having thus morrambouzevezangouzequoquemorguatasachacguevezinemaffresseding my poor eye, but they have also brokenmy drum. Drums indeed are commonly beatenat weddings, and it is fit they should; but drummers are well entertained, and never beaten. Thedevil may put it on his head! '" Brother,' said the lamed catchpole, ' I willmake thee a present of a fine, large, old patent,which I have here in my bag, to patch up thydrum, and for heaven's sake, I pray thee forgiveus. By Our Lady of Riviere, the blessed dame, Imeant no harm.'" The devil take it! ' said Basché; ' it is quiteright that Mr Le Roy (this was catchpole's name)should thus thwack me and my wife on the back:I bear him no malice; these are little nuptialBut this I plainly perceive, that he citedme like an angel, and drubbed me like a devil.caresses.PANTAGRUEL. 253.I drink to him, and to you likewise, gentlemenbailiffs.'" But,' said his wife, ' why and on what provocation hath he been so very liberal of his manualkindness to me? I assure you, I by no means likeit; but this I dare say for him, that he hath thehardest knuckles that ever I felt on my shoulders.'"The maître d'hotel held his left arm in a scarf,as if it had been quite morquaquoquassated. ' Ithink it was the devil,' said he, ' that moved me toassist at these nuptials; I have got all my arms.engoulevezinemassed. Do you call this a wedding? This is, on my word, just another feastof the Lapithæ, described by the philosopher ofSamosata. ' Catchpole spoke no more. Thebailiffs protested that in the thwacking they hadno ill intent, and prayed for pardon. So theyparted. Half a league from there catchpole foundhimself somewhat out of sorts. The bailiffs got toL'Isle Bouchard, publicly saying, that they hadnever seen an honester gentleman than the Seigneurof Basché, or a more honourable house than his,and that they had never been at the like wedding,and all the fault belonged to themselves, becausethey had begun the beating. So they lived I cannot exactly tell you how many days after this. Butfrom that time it was held for a certain truth, thatBasché's money was more pestilential to catchpolesand bailiffs than were formerly the aurum Tholo-254 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.sanum and the Sejan horse to those that possessedthem. Ever after the Seigneur lived quietly, andBasché's wedding grew into a common proverb. "Friar John, after this, went on shore, put hishand in his fob, and took out twenty crowns; thensaid with a loud voice, in the hearing of a greatcrowd of catchpoles, " Who will earn twenty ducats,for being beaten like the devil? " " Io! Io! Io! "cried they all; " you will cripple us for ever, sir,that is most certain; but the pay is good." Thenran they all who should be first to be so preciouslybeaten. Friar John singled out of the whole troopa red-nosed catchpole, who upon his right thumbwore a thick broad silver hoop, wherein was set alarge toad- stone. He had no sooner picked himout but I perceived that they all murmured; andI heard a tall, young, thin catchpole, a notableclerk, and, according to public report, an honestman in the ecclesiastical court, making his complaint, because this red-nose carried away all thepractice; and that if in all the country there werebut thirty bastinadoes to be got, he would pocketeight-and- twenty and a half. But all these complaints were nothing but envy.Friar John so drubbed Red- snout, back and front,legs and arms, head, and all, with blows of his stick,that I took him to be a dead man: then he gavehim the twenty crowns. And the rogue up again,as glad as a king or two. The rest were sayingPANTAGRUEL. 255We areRed- noseto Friar John, " Sir, brother devil, if it please youto beat some of us for less money, we are all atyour command, Monsieur the Devil.yours, bags, papers, pens, and all."cried out against them, saying with a loud voice,"Fête-dieu, rascals! will you meddle in my market?would you take away my customers? Take notice,I summon you before the official à huyctaine, mirelaridaine; I will law and claw you like a devilof Vauverd." Then turning towards Friar John,with a smiling and joyful look, he said to him,"Reverend father in the devil, sir, if you havefound me good stuff, and it pleases you to takeyour pleasure again by beating me, I will contentmyself with half the just price. Do not spare me,I beseech you; I am all, and more than all yours,Monsieur the Devil: head, lungs, and all; andwith a good will, I assure you. " Friar John interrupted his talk and left him. The other catchpoleswere making addresses to Panurge, Epistemon,Gymnast, and others, entreating devoutly to bebeaten by them at a low price, for otherwise theywere in danger of keeping a long fast; but none ofthem would.256 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.THE GREAT STORM.The next day we espied to starboard a bark,laden with monks, Jacobins, Jesuits, Capuchins,Hermits, Austins, Bernardins, Egnatins, Celestins,Theatins, Amadeans, Cordeliers, Carmelites, Minims, and other holy monks and friars, who weregoing to the Council of Chesil, to garble articles offaith against the new heretics. Panurge was overjoyed to see them, being most certain of good luckfor that day, and a long train of others. And having courteously saluted the blessed fathers, and recommended the salvation of his soul to their devoutprayers and private ejacul*tions, he caused seventyeight dozen of hams, a number of pots of caviare,tens of sausages, hundreds of botargoes, and twothousand fine angels, for the souls of the dead, toto be thrown on board their ships. Pantagruel,melancholic, remained all pensive. Friar Johnperceived it, and asked him whence came this unusual sadness; when the master, observing thefluttering of the pennon above the poop, and foreseeing a tyrannical squall and fresh gale, called allhands on deck, officers, sailors, cabin- boys, andeven the passengers-made them take in a sailand make all snug. Suddenly the sea began toswell and rage from the lowest deeps. Greatwaves broke upon the ship's quarter. The north-PANTAGRUEL. 257east wind, accompanied by a frightful hurricane,with black waterspouts, terrible whirlwinds, mortalgusts, whistled through our shrouds. Above us theheavens thundered, lightened, rained, hailed: theair lost its transparency, became opaque, dark, andobscure, so that no more light appeared but lightning; with flashing and breaking of flaming clouds;impetuous winds whirled and raged around us, withthunder and forked flashes; the aspect of the skywas lost and perturbed, the horrific typhoons rolledup the mountainous waves ofthe flood. Believe me,it seemed to us to be the ancient chaos, in whichwere fire, air, sea, earth, all the elements in refractory confusion. Panurge having plentifully fed thefish, sat on the deck in a heap, cast down and halfdead; invoked to his aid all the blessed saints, promised to confess in time and place convenient, andthen cried out in affright, " Steward, ho! my friend,my father, my uncle, let us have a piece of powdered beef; we shall drink but too much anon, foraught I see. Eat little, but drink well, will hereafter be my motto. Would to our Lord, and toour blessed, worthy, and sacred Lady, I were now,I say, this very instant, on terra firma at mineease. O thrice and four times happy those thatplant cabbages! O Destinies, why did you notspin me for a cabbage- planter? O how few arethere to whom Jupiter hath been so favourable, asto predestinate them to plant cabbages! TheyR258 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.have always one foot on the ground, and the othernot far from it. Dispute of felicity and sovereigngood, for my part, whosoever plants cabbages, is, bymy decree, proclaimed most happy; for as good areason as the philosopher Pyrrho, being in the samedanger, and seeing a hog near the shore, eatingoats in plenty, declared it happy in two respects;first, because it had plenty of oats, and secondly,that it was on shore. Ha, for a divine and seigneurial manor, commend me to the cow-house."This wave will sweep us away, blessed Saviour!O my friends! a little vinegar. I sweat again withmere agony. Alas! the sail is split, the yards aregone, the maintop-mast plunges into the sea, thekeel is up to the sun, our shrouds are broken. Allis verlooren! Alas! who shall have this wreck?Friend, lend me here behind you one of thesehandrails. Your lantern is fallen, my lads. Alas!do not let go the main tack nor the bowlin. Ihear the block crack; is it broke? For the Lord'ssake, let us save the hull, and let the rigging go.Bebebé, bous, bous, bous. Look to the needle ofyour compass, I beseech you, master pilot, and tellus, if you can, whence comes this storm. Bou,bou, bou, bous, bous, I am lost for ever. Bou,bou, bou, bou, Otto to to to to ti. Bou, bou,bou, ou, ou, ou, bou, bou, bous. I sink, I amdrowned, I die, good people, I die."Pantagruel, having first implored the help of the• PANTAGRUEL. 259great God, the Preserver, and prayed publiclywith fervent devotion, by the pilot's advice heldtightly the mast of the ship. Friar John hadstripped himself to his waistcoat, to help the seamen. Epistemon, Ponocrates, and the rest did asmuch. Panurge alone sat upon deck, weeping andlamenting. Friar John espied him going on thequarter-deck, and said to him, " Pardieu! Panurgethe calf, Panurge the whiner, Panurge the brayer,you would do much better to lend us a hand, thanto lie howling like a cow.""Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous," returned Panurge;"Friar John, my friend, my good father, I amdrowning, my friend! I drown! I am a dead man,my spiritual father, I am a dead man, my friend.Ah! my father, my uncle, my all. The water isgot into my shoes by the collar; bous, bous, bous,paish, hu, hu, hu, he, he, he, ha, ha, I drown!Alas! alas! Hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, be, be,bous, bous, bobous, bobous, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,alas! alas! Now I make the forked tree, my feetabove, my head below. Would to heaven I werenow aboard the bark of those good and blessedfathers bound for the council, whom we met thismorning, so godly, so fat, so joyous, so plump, andcomely. Holos, bolos, holas, holas, alas! Thiswave of all the devils (mea culpa, Deus), I meanthis wave of God, will sink our vessel. Alas!Friar John, my father, my friend, confession.260 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Here I am on my knees; confiteor; your holyblessing.""Come hither, and help us," said Friar; " in thename of thirty legions of devils, come; will youcome? ""Do not let us swear at this time," said Panurge;"holy father, my friend; to- morrow as much asyou please. Holos, holos, alas, our ship leaks! Idrown, alas, alas! I will give eighteen hundredthousand crowns to any one that will set me onshore. Confiteor, alas! a word or two of testamentor codicil at least. ""Athousand devils," cried Friar John, " seize thebody of this fellow! Art thou talking of making thy will, now we are in danger, and it behoveth us to bestir ourselves now or never? Wiltthou come, ho devil? We are, par la vertus Dieu,besped now, our light is out. This is hastening toall the millions of devils ."" Alas, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, alas, alas, alas,alas! " said Panurge, " was it here we were born toperish? Oh! ho! good people, I drown, I die.Consummatum est. It is all over with me."Magna, gna, gna,” said Friar John.him. Boy, see hoy."FieuponMind the pumps. Hastthou hurt thyself? Zoons! here fasten it to oneof these blocks. On this side, in the devil's name,hay-so my boy.""Ah, Friar John," said Panurge, " spiritualPANTAGRUEL. 261father, dear friend, do not let us swear. You sin.Alas! alas! be be be bous, bous, bhous, I sink, I die,my friends. I pardon all the world. Farewell, inmanus. Bous, bous, bouou- ouous. St Michael ofAure! St Nicolas! now or never, I here make youa solemn vow, that if you stand by me this time,I mean if you set me ashore out of this danger,I will build you a fine large little chapel or two.'Entre Quande et Monssoreau,Et n'y paistra vache ny veau.'Oh, ho, oh, ho. More than eighteen pailfuls ortwo are got down my gullet; bous, bhous, bhous,bhous, how bitter and salt it is! ""Par la vertus," said Friar John, " of blood,flesh, head, if I hear thee again howling, I willmaul thee worse than any sea- wolf. Why do notwe throw him overboard to the bottom of the sea?Here, sailor! ho, honest fellow! Thus, thus, myfriend, hold fast above. In truth here is goodlightning and thunder; I think that all the devilsare got loose; or Proserpine is in labour: all thedevils dance a morrice.""Oh, " said Panurge, " you sin, Friar John, myformer crony; former, I say, for at this time I amno more, you are no more. It goes against myheart to tell it you: for I believe this swearing dothyour spleen a great deal of good, as it is a greatease to a wood- cleaver to cry hem at every blow;262 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.and as one who plays at nine-pins is wonderfullyhelped, if, when he hath not thrown his bowl right,and is like to make a bad cast, some ingeniousstander- by leans and screws his body half- wayabout on that side which the bowl should havetook to hit the pin. Nevertheless, you sin, mysweet friend. ""He dotes," said Friar John, "the poor devil.Lend us a hand. Here, to larboard. Heremate, my lad, hold fast, till I have made adouble knot. O brave boy! Hold, brother Ponocrates, you will hurt yourself, man. Epistemon,pray thee stand off out of the hatchway. MethinksI saw the thunder fall there but just now. Con theship, so ho! Vertus Dieu, what is that? the bowsare staved in. I think all the legions of devils holdhere their provincial chapter, or are wrangling forthe election of a new rector. Starboard; well said.Take heed; have a care of your noddle, lad, in thedevil's name. So ho, starboard, starboard. "" Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous," cried Panurge,"bous, bous, bc, be, be, bous, bous, I am lost. Isce neither heaven nor earth; of the four elementswe have here only fire and water left. Bou, bou,bou, bous, bous, bous. Would it were the pleasureof the worthy divine bounty, that I were at thispresent hour in the close at Seuillè, or at Innocent's, the pastry- cook, over against the paintedcave at Chinon, though I were to strip to myPANTAGRUEL. 263doublet, and bake the petti- pasties myself. FriarJohn damns himself. Oh what a good friend Ilose in him! Alas, alas! this is another bout thanlast year's. We are falling out of Scylla into Charybdis. Oho, I drown. Confiteor; one poor wordor two by way of testament, Friar John, my father.Alas! I drown; two words of testament here uponthis ladder.""To make one's last will," said Epistemon, " atthis time that we ought to bestir ourselves andhelp our seamen, on the penalty of shipwreck,seems to me as idle and ridiculous a maggot asthat of some of Cæsar's men, who, at their cominginto Gaul, were mightily busied in making willsand codicils, bemoaned their fortune, and theabsence of their spouses and friends at Rome,when it was absolutely necessary for them to runto their arms, and use their utmost strengthagainst Ariovistus, their enemy. It is a folly likethat ofthe carter who, having laid his waggon fastin a slough, went upon his knees and called uponHercules to help him, but neither goaded on hisoxen, nor put his shoulder to the wheel. Whatwill it signify to make your will now? for eitherwe shall come off or drown for it. If we escape, itwill not signify a strawto us; for testaments are ofno value or authority, but by the death of the testators. If we are drowned, will it not be drownedtoo? Who will transmit it to the executors? "264 READINGS FROM RABELAIS." Some kind wave will throw it ashore, likeUlysses," replied Panurge; "and some king'sdaughter, going to fetch a walk on the evening,will find it, and take care to have it proved andexecuted; and on the shore will have a magnificent cenotaph erected, as Dido had for her husband Sichæus; Eneas to Deiphobus, upon theTrojan shore, near Rhote; Andromache to Hector, in the city of Buthrotus; Aristotle to Hermiasand Eubulus; the Athenians to the poet Euripides; the Romans to Drusus, in Germany, andto Alexander Severus, their emperor, in Gaul;Argentier to Callaischre; Xenocrates to Lysidices; Timares to his son Teleutagoras; Eupolisand Aristodice to their son Theotimus; Onestesto Timocles; Callimachus to Sopolis, the son ofDioclides; Catullus to his brother; Statius to hisfather; Germain of Brie to Hervé, the Bretonsailor. ""Art thou mad? " asked Friar John. " Help,here, in the name of five hundred thousand millions of cart-loads of devils."Then Pantagruel was heard to make a sad exclamation, saying, with a loud voice, " Lord saveus, we perish; yet not as we would have it, butThy holy will be done.""The Lord and the blessed Virgin be with us,"said Panurge. " Holos, alas, I drown! be be be bous,be bous, bous: in manus. Good heavens, send mePANTAGRUEL. 265some dolphin to carry me safe on shore, like apretty little Arion. I shall make shift to soundthe harp, if it be not unstrung. "" Let nineteen legions of black devils seize me,"said Friar John. (" The Lord be with us," saidPanurge. )" If I come down to thee, I will show thee tosome purpose. ""Land! land! " cried Pantagruel. " I see land!Pluck up, boys, we are not far from a port.I seethe sky clearing up to the northwards; steer tothe south-east! ""Courage, my hearts, " said the pilot; "the sea.is smoother. Hands aloft to the main-top. Putthe helm a-weather. Steady! steady! Haul,haul, haul! Thus, thus, and no nearer. Clearyour sheets; clear your bowlines; port, port.Helm a- lee. Luff, luff; keep her full, luff thehelm. Luff.""Luff it is," answered the steersman."Keep her thus. Steady, steady."" That is well said," said Friar John. " Come,come, come children, be nimble."" Luff, luff. Helm a-weather.""Methinks," said Friar John, "the storm beginsto lessen and to finish, the Lord be thanked. Ourdevils begin to scamper."" Cheer up, my mates," cried Epistemon; " I seealready Castor on the right. "266 READINGS FROM RABELAIS."Be, be, bous, bous, bous," said Panurge; " I ammuch afraid it is Helen, the meteor of storm.""It is truly Mixarchagevas " (Castor), returnedEpistemon, " if thou likest better the denominationof the Argives. Ho! ho! I see land too. Lether bear in with the harbour; I see a good manypeople on the beach; I see a light on a lighthouse.""St John," said Panurge, " this is spoken well.O the sweet word! ""Mgna, mgna, mgna," said Friar John; "if everthou taste a drop of it, let the devil taste me.Here, honest soul, here is a tankard of the verybest. Bring the flagons: dost hear, Gymnast?and that same large pasty jambic, or gammonic.Take heed you pilot her in right.""Cheer up," cried out Pantagruel; " cheer up,my boys; let us be courteous. Do you see yondertwo skiffs, three sloops, five ships, four gondolas,and six frigates, sent by the good people of theneighbouring island to our relief? But who isthis Ucalegon below, who thus cries and bemoanshimself? Were it not that I hold the mast firmlywith both my hands, and keep it straighter thantwo hundred tacklings- 99"It is," said Friar John, "that poor devil, Panurge, who is troubled with a calf's ague; he quakesfor fear when his belly is full."" If," said Pantagruel, " he hath been afraid during this dreadful hurricane and dangerous storm,PANTAGRUEL. 267provided he hath done his part like a man, I donot value him a jot the less for it. For as to fearin all encounters is the mark of a heavy and cowardly heart-as Agamemnon did, who, for thatreason, is ignominiously taxed by Achilles withhaving dog's eyes and a stag's heart; so not tofear when the case is evidently dreadful, is a signof want or smallness of judgment. Now, if anything ought to be feared in this life, next tooffending God, I only say that it is death. I willnot meddle with the disputes of Socrates and theacademics, that death of itself is neither bad norto be feared; but I will affirm that this kind ofshipwreck is to be feared, or nothing is. For, asHomer saith, it is a grievous, dreadful, and unnatural thing to perish at sea. And, indeed,Æneas, in the storm that took his fleet near Sicily,was grieved that he had not died by the hand ofthe brave Diomedes, and said that those were three,nay four times happy, who perished in the conflagration at Troy. No man here hath lost hislife, the Lord our Preserver be eternally praised;but in truth, here is a ship out of repair. Well,we must mend the damage.""Ha, ha! " cried Panurge, " all goes well. ShallI help you any more? Here, let me coil this rope;I have plenty of courage, and of fear very little.Give it me, my friend. No, no, I have not a bit offear. Indeed, that same decumane wave, that took268 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.us fore and aft, somewhat altered my pulse. Downwith your sails; well said. How now, Friar John?you do nothing. Is it time for us to drink now?Who can tell but St Martin's lacquey may be brewing another storm? shall I come and help youagain? Vertus guoy, I do heartily repent, thoughtoo late, not having followed the doctrine of thegood philosopher, who tells us that to walk by thesea, and to navigate by the shore, are very safe andpleasant things; just as it is to go on foot, whenwe hold our horse by the bridle. Ha! ha! ha! allgoes well. Shall I help you here too? Let mesee, I will do this as it should be."Epistemon, who had the inside of one of hishands all flayed and bloody, through having held arope too hard with might and main, said, hearingwhat Pantagruel had said: " You may believe, mylord, I had fear and terror as well as Panurge; yetI spared no pains in lending a hand. I considered,that since by fatal and unavoidable necessity wemust all die, it is the blessed will of God that wedie this or that hour, and this or that kind of death:nevertheless we ought to implore, invoke, pray,beseech, and supplicate Him: but we must notstop there; it behoveth us also to use our endeavours on our side, and, as the holy writ saith, toco-operate with Him.""The devil take me," said Friar John, "if theclose of Seuillé had not been all gathered and de-PANTAGRUEL. 269stroyed, if I had only sung contra hostium insidias(matter of breviary) like other devils of monks, andhad not rescued the vineyard from the robbers ofLerné with the staff of the cross. "66 Vogue la galère!" cried Panurge, " all goeswell; Friar John doth nothing; his name is FriarJohn Fainéant; he sees me here working to helpthis honest tar, first of the name.-Hark you me,dear soul, a word with you; -but pray be notangry. How thick do you judge the planks ofour ship to be? ""Some two good inches and upwards," returnedthe pilot; " don't fear."I"Vertus Dieu!" said Panurge, "it seems then weare within two fingers of death. Is this one of thenine joys of marriage? Ah, dear soul, you do wellto measure the danger by the yard of fear. Formy part, I have none on't; my name is WilliamDreadnought. As for courage, I have more thanenough on't; I mean not sheep courage; butwolf's courage, the assurance of a murderer.fear nothing but danger. As for you, gentlemen,good morrow to you all: you are in very goodhealth, all of you? you are all heartily welcome,and in good time. Let us go on shore. I amwolfish and hungered for work, like two yokes ofoxen. Truly this is a fine place, and these looklike a very good people. Children, do you wantme still in anything? do not spare the sweat of270 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.my body, for God's sake. Adam, that is, man,was made to labour and work, as the birds weremade to fly. Our Lord's will is, that we get ourbread with the sweat of our brow, not idling anddoing nothing, like this monk here, this Friar John,who drinks and dies for fear.-Rare weather.-I now find the answer of Anacharsis, the noblephilosopher, very proper: being asked what shiphe reckoned the safest? He replied, ' That whichis in the harbour."""He made yet a better repartee," said Pantagruel, " when somebody inquiring, which is greater,the number of the living or that , of the dead?he asked them, amongst which of the two theyreckoned those that are at sea? ingeniously implying, that those who are at sea are in such continualdanger of death that they live dying and die living.Portius Cato also said, that there were but threethings of which he would repent; if ever he hadtrusted his wife with his secret, if he had idledaway a day, and if he had ever gone by sea to aplace accessible by land.""By this worthy frock of mine, " said Friar Johnto Panurge, " friend, thou hast been afraid duringthe storm, without cause or reason for thou wertnot born to be drowned, rather shalt thou behanged, and exalted in the air, or roasted merrilylike a Father. My lord, would you have a goodcloak for the rain; leave off your wolf and badger-PANTAGRUEL. 271skin mantle let Panurge but be flayed, and coveryourself with his hide. But do not come near thefire, nor near your blacksmith's forges, a God'sname; for in a moment you will see it in ashes.Yet be as long as you please in the rain, snow, hail,nay, by the devil's maker, throw yourself, or divedown to the very bottom of the water, you willnever be wet at all. Have some winter bootsmade of it, they will never let in the water: makebladders of it to teach boys to swim, they willlearn without danger."" His skin, then," said Pantagruel, " should belike the herb called Venus's hair, which never takeswet nor moistness, but still keeps dry, though youlay it at the bottom of the water as long as youplease; and for that reason is called Adiantos.""Friend Panurge, " said Friar John, " I pray theenever be afraid of water: by the contrary elementshall be thy life ended.""Yea," replied Panurge, " but the devil's cooksgo dreaming sometimes, and sometimes put to boilwhat was designed to be roasted . Hark ye, fairfriends, I protest before this noble company, asfor the chapel which I vowed to Mons. St Nicholas,I honestly mean that it shall be a chapel of rosewater, which shall be where neither cow nor calfshall be fed: for I intend to throw it to the bottomof the water. ""Here is a gallant for you," said Eusthenes:272 READINGS FROM RABELAIS." here is a gallant, gallant and a half. It is toverify the Lombardic proverb, Passato el pericolo,gabbato el santo."[The land at which they next arrive is one of the islandsof the Macreons, or the Long- lived. It is the dwelling-placeof the demons and heroes who are grown old . After thisthey make the island of Tapinois —“ Sly- land, ” —wherereigns great Quaresme-prenant, the personification of Lent,which means that Rabelais must pour out the vials of hiswrath on the enforced fasting of Lent. Quaresme-prenantis a devourer of grey peas, a bottler of hay, a mole- catcher—that is, a deceiver of folk blinded by ignorance, a grinder ofashes, a flogger of children, and is father and foster-fatherof physicians, a very honest man, a good Catholic, and ofgreat devotion; he weeps all day, and will go to no weddings; he lives on salt things, his memory is like a scarf,his common- sense like the buzzing of bees; his imaginationlike a peal of bells; his judgment like a shoeing- horn."What is yet more strange, he works, doing nothing,and does nothing though he works; he corybantises sleeping, and sleeps corybantising-that is, with his eyes openlike the hares of Champagne, for fear of being surprised bythe Chitterlings, his ancient enemies; he eats nothing fasting, and fasts eating nothing; he drinks in imagination,swims on the top of steeples, dries his clothes in ponds,fears his own shadow and the cries of fat kids, and playswith his own belt."This description reminds Pantagruel of an apologuewhich he has read somewhere, of which Rabelais leaves theapplication to his reader. ]Physis -that is to say, Nature —at her firstburthen bore two children, Beauty and Harmony.Antiphysis, who ever was the antagonist of Nature,immediately conceived spite upon these beautifulPANTAGRUEL. 273and honourable productions, and in oppositionbore Amodunt and Dissonance. Their heads wereround like a football, and not gently flatted onboth sides, like the common shape of men. Theirears stood pricked up like those of asses; theireyes, as hard as those of crabs, and without brows,stared out of their heads, fixed on bones like thoseof our heels; their feet were round, like tennisballs; their arms and hands turned backwardstowards the shoulders; and they walked on theirheads, continually turning round like a ball, topsyturvy, heels over head.Yet as you know that apes esteem their youngthe handsomest in the world-Antiphysis extolledher offspring, and strove to prove that their shapewas handsomer and more inviting than that of thechildren of Physis: saying, that thus to have spherical heads and feet, and walk in a circular manner,wheeling round, had something in it of the perfection of the divine power, which makes all beingseternally turn in that fashion; and that to haveour feet uppermost, and the head below them, wasto imitate the Creator of the universe, -the hairbeing like the roots, and the legs like the branchesof man; for trees are better planted by their rootsthan they could be by their branches. By thisdemonstration she implied, that her children weremuch more to be praised for being like a standingtree, than those of Physis, that made a figure of aS274 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.tree upside down. As for the arms and hands, shepretended to prove that they were more justlyturned towards the shoulders, because that part ofthe body ought not to be without defence, whilethe forepart is duly fenced with teeth, which a mancannot only use to chew, but also to defend himself against those things that offend him. Thus,by the testimony and astipulation of the brutebeasts, she drew all the witless herd and mob offools into her opinion, and was admired by allbrainless and nonsensical people.Since that, she begot the hypocritical tribes ofeaves - dropping dissemblers, superstitious popemongers, and priest-ridden bigots, the frantic Pistolets, the demoniacal Calvins, impostors of Geneva,the scrapers of benefices, apparitors with the devilin them, and other grinders and squeezers of livings, herb-stinking hermits, gulligutted dunces ofthe cowl, church vermin, false zealots, devourers ofthe substance of men, and many more other deformed and ill- favoured monsters, made in spite ofnature.[The next island is the Isle Farouche, inhabited by theChitterlings, who are the deadly enemies of Quaresme- prenant: next comes the Isle of Ruach-i.e. , Wind, the peopleof which nourish themselves and feed wholly on wind afterthis the miserable island of Pope-fig-land, once rich andprosperous, a natural result of their stupidity in ridiculingthe Pope. ]PANTAGRUEL. 275Leaving the desolate island of the Popefigs, wesailed, for one day, fairly and happily, and madethe blessed island of the Papimanes. As soon aswe had dropped anchor in the road, there cametowards us in a skiff four persons differently clad.One as a monk in his frock, muddy, and booted;the other as a falconer, with a lure and a hawk;the third as a solicitor, with a large bag in hishand, full of informations, citations, chicaneries,and adjournments; the fourth as a vinedresser ofOrleans, with fair cloth leggings, a basket, and apruning-knife at his girdle.As soon as they had hooked their boat to theship, they all together with one voice asked, " Haveyou seen him, good passengers, have you seen him?"Who? " asked Pantagruel.66"Him," they replied."Who is it? " asked Friar John. " Par la mortbeuf! I will smash him." This he said, thinkingthat they inquired after some robber, murderer, orchurch-breaker."How! " cried they, " gentlemen pilgrims, doyou not know the Unique? "Sirs," replied Epistemon, " we do not understand those terms; but explain to us, if youplease, what you mean, and we will tell you thetruth without dissimulation.""We mean," said they, " He that is. Did youever see him? "276 READINGS FROM RABELAIS."He that is," returned Pantagruel, " accordingto our theological doctrine, is God. And in suchwords He declared Himself to Moses. We neversaw Him, nor can He be beheld by mortal eyes.""We do not speak of the supreme God, whorules in heaven, " replied they; " we mean the godon earth. Did you ever see him? ""Upon my honour," replied Carpalim, " theymean the Pope.""Ay, ay," answered Panurge; "yea verily, gentlemen, I have seen three of them, whose sight hasnot much bettered me."" How! " cried they; " our sacred decretals inform us that there never is more than one living."" I mean successively, one after the other," returned Panurge; " otherwise I never saw more thanone at a time.""O thrice and four times happy people! " criedthey; " you are welcome, and more than doublewelcome! " They then kneeled down before us,and would have kissed our feet, but we would notsuffer it, telling them that, to the Pope, should hecome thither in his own person, they could do nomore.Pantagruel inquired of a boy on board theirskiff who those persons were? He answered, thatthey were the four estates of the realm; and added,that we should be well received and well treated,since we had seen the Pope. Panurge having beenPANTAGRUEL. 279acquainted with this by Pantagruel, said to wehdhis ear, " I swear and vow, sir, it is even so.comes right to him who waits. Our seeing thePope hath hitherto done us no good: now, in thedevil's name, it will do us a great deal." We thenwent ashore, and the whole country, men, women,and children, came to meet us as in procession.Our four estates cried out to them with a loudvoice, " They have seen him! they have seen him!they have seen him! " At that proclamation, allthe people kneeled before us, lifting up their handstowards heaven, and crying " O happy folk! Omost happy! " and this acclamation lasted about aquarter of an hour.Then came the schoolmaster of the place, withall his ushers and school- boys, whom he magisterially flogged, as they used to whip children inour country formerly, when some criminal wasnged, that they might remember it. This dised Pantagruel, who said to them, " Gentleif you do not leave off whipping these poordren, I am gone. "The people were amazed, hearing his stentoriance; and I saw a little humpback, with longAgers, say to the schoolmaster, " What! in thename of wonder do all those that see the Popegrow as tall as he who threatens us? Ah! how Ishall think time long till I have seen him too, thatI may grow and look as big." In short, the accla277276 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.onsweresogreat, thatHomenas(sothey1toled their bishop) hastened thither, on an unbridled mule, with green trappings, attended by hisapposts (as they said), and his supposts also, bearing crosses, banners, standards, canopies, torches,and holy water- pots . He, too, wanted to kiss ourfeet, saying, that one of their hypophetes, ascourer and commentator of their holy decretals,had written that, in the same manner as the Messiah, so long and so much expected by the Jews,at last appeared among them; so some day thePope would come into that island, and that, whilethey waited for that blessed time, if one who hadseen him at Rome or elsewhere chanced to comeamong them, they should be sure to make much ofhim, and treat him reverently. However, we civillydesired to be excused.Homenas then said to us, " It is enjoined us byour holy decretals to visit churches first, and tavableafter. Therefore, not to decline that fine ine us,tion, let us go to church; we will afterwards go notfeast ourselves." he"Honest man, " said Friar John, " do you go nofore; " we will follow you. You spoke inmatter properly, and like a good Christian; it irlong since we saw any such. I feel myself rejoicedin heart, and I verily believe that I shall have thebetter stomach after it. It is a happy thing tomeet with good men! "PANTAGRUEL. 279Being come near the gate of the church, wespied a great book, gilt, and covered with preciousstones, as rubies, emeralds, diamonds, and pearls,at least as valuable as those which Augustus consecrated to Jupiter Capitolinus. It hung in the air,being fastened with two thick chains of gold to thezoophore of the porch. We looked on it, andadmired it. As for Pantagruel, he handled it, andturned it as he pleased, for he could easily reach it;and he protested that whenever he touched it hewas seized with a pleasant tickling at his finger'send, new life in his arms, and a violent temptationin his mind to beat one or two sergeants, or suchofficers, provided were not of the shavelings theTewsetempwrittenit, E I wtransmittedbrought outPhrygia; sobelieve Euriwas transmChristiavers. 1of thevs, "The law was formerlywritten by God Himportal of Apollo'sAYTON, was foundsome timey writterimagePessinis, if yoly stannoblegainstilius,ous16 REAM RABELAIS.tothat Homenas (so theynastened thither, on an ungen trappings, attended by hissupposts also, bears, canopies, torches,o, wanted to kiss ourtheir hypophetes, aBengwouldcomeheir holy decretals,iredbytheJews,appearedhnerastheMeswaitedforthathimatRomeorL some day theand that, whilenongthem,theyshouldone who hadnced to comenim,andtreathimreverent.desiredtobeexcused.ake much ofr, we civillyHomenasthensaidtous,"It.ourholydecretalstovisitchurchesfied us bytavedeafter.Therefore,nottodeclinethateintion,letusgotochurch;wewillafterwardsfeastourselves."go"Honestman,"saidFriarJohn,"doyougollfollowyou.Youspokeinleiratly,andlikeagoodChristian;itwesawanysuch.Ifeelmyselfrejoiced,t,andIverilybelievethatIshallhavetherstomachafterit.Itisahappythingtoetwithgoodmen!"d,nPANTAGRUEL. 279Being come near the gate of the church, wespied a great book, gilt, and covered with preciousstones, as rubies, emeralds, diamonds, and pearls,at least as valuable as those which Augustus consecrated to Jupiter Capitolinus. It hung in the air,being fastened with two thick chains of gold to thezoophore of the porch. We looked on it, andadmired it. As for Pantagruel, he handled it, andturned it as he pleased, for he could easily reach it;and he protested that whenever he touched it hewas seized with a pleasant tickling at his finger'send, new life in his arms, and a violent temptationin his mind to beat one or two sergeants, or suchofficers, provided they were not of the shavelingkind.Homenas then said to us, " The law was formerlygiven to the Jews by Moses, written by God Himself. At Delphos, before the portal of Apollo'stemple, this sentence, TNOOI EAYTON, was found.written with a divine hand. And some time afterit, E I was also seen, and as divinely written andtransmitted from heaven. Cybele's image was с brought out of heaven, into a field called Pessinunt,plnfiin Phrygia; so was that of Diana to Tauris, if you V will believe Euripides; the oriflambe, or holy standard, was transmitted out of heaven to the nobleand most Christian kings of France, to fight againstthe unbelievers. In the reign of Numa Pompilius,second king of the Romans in Rome, the famous280 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.buckler called Ancile was seen to descend fromheaven. At Acropolis, near Athens, Minerva'sstatue formerly fell from the imperial heaven. Inlike manner the sacred decretals, which you see,were written with the hand of an angel, -yea, acherub. You outlandish people do not believethis.""Little enough," said Panurge."And then," continued Homenas, "they weremiraculously transmitted to us here from the veryheaven of heavens; in the same manner as theriver Nile is called Diipetes, by Homer, the fatherof all philosophy (the holy decretals always excepted). Now, because you have seen the Pope,their evangelist and everlasting protector, we willgive you leave to see and kiss them on the inside,if you think meet. But you must fast three daysbefore, and canonically confess, -nicely picking outand inventorising your sins, so thick that one singlecirc*mstance may not fall to the ground, as ourholy decretals, which you see, divinely direct. Thiswill take up some time."" Honest man," answered Panurge, " we haveseen decretals enough, on paper, on transparentparchment, on vellum, in manuscript, and in print;so you need not take the pains to show these. Wewill take the will for the deed, and thank you asmuch as if we had. ""Ay, marry," said Homenas, "but you havePANTAGRUEL. 281never seen these that are angelically written.Those in your country are only transcripts fromours as we find it written by one of our old decretaline scholiasts. For me, do not spare mytrouble. Do but tell me whether you will be confessed, and fast only three short little days ofGod.""As for confessing," answered Panurge, " wewillingly consent; but fasting will hardly down.with us at this time, for we have so very muchoverfasted ourselves at sea that the spiders havespun their cobwebs over our grinders. Do but lookon this good Friar John des Entommeures," -Homenas then courteously embraced him, -" moss isgrowing in his throat, for want of bestirring andexercising his jaws.""He speaks the truth," vouched Friar John; “ Ihave so much fasted that I am almost grown humpbacked. "Come, then, let us go into the church," saidHomenas; " and pray forgive us if for the presentwe do not sing you a high mass. The hour ofmid-day is past, and after it our sacred decretalsforbid us to sing mass, -I mean high and lawfulmass. But I will say a low and dry one for you. ""I had rather have one moistened with goodAnjou wine," cried Panurge. " Fall to, then, -fallto, and despatch. "" Verd et bleu! " quoth Friar John, " it grieves282 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.me that I must have an empty stomach. For, hadI breakfasted , and fed in monkly guise, if he shouldchance to sing us the Requiem, I should thenhave brought thither bread and wine. Well, patience. Pull away; tuck up short, for fear of itsdragging."Mass finished , Homenas took out of a coffer bythe high altar a great bunch of keys, with which heopened, by two-and-thirty keyholes and fourteenpadlocks, a window of iron, strongly barred, abovethe said altar; then, with great mystery, coveredhimself with wet sackcloth, and, drawing aside acurtain of crimson satin, showed us an imagecoarsely painted, to my thinking, touched it witha long stick, and made us kiss the end which hadtouched the image. After this he said to us,"What think you of this image? ""It is the likeness of a pope," answered Pantagruel. " I know it by the triple crown, the furredamice, his rochet, and his slipper."You are in the right," said Homenas; " it isthe idea of that same good God on earth, whosecoming we devoutly await, and whom we hope oneday to see in this country. O happy, wished for,and much expected day! and happy, most happyyou, whose propitious stars have so favoured youas to let you see the living and real face of thisgood God on earth! by the single sight of whosepicture we obtain full remission of all the sinsPANTAGRUEL. 283which we remember, as also a third part andeighteen-fortieths of the sins which we have forgotten and indeed we only see it on high annualholidays."This caused Pantagruel to say that it was a worklike those which Dædalus used to make, since,though it were deformed and ill drawn, nevertheless some divine energy, in point of pardons, waslatent in it."Thus," said Friar John, " at Seuillé, the beggarsbeing one evening, one fête-day, at supper in thehospital, one bragged of having got six blancs, another eight liards, a third seven caroluses, and onefat beggar made his vaunt of having got three testons. Ah, but,' cried his comrades, ' thou hast aleg of God.' As if some divine virtue could lie hidin a rotten shank.""Physicians," said Epistemon, " thus attribute akind of divinity to some diseases. Nero also extolled mushrooms, and in a Greek proverb termedthem food of the gods, because with them he hadpoisoned Claudius his predecessor. ""Methinks," said Panurge, " this picture is notlike our late popes. For I have seen them, notwith their amice on, but with helmets on theirheads, more like the top of a Persian turban; andwhile the Christian commonwealth was in peacethey alone were making villainous and cruel war. ""This must have been, then," returned Homenas,284 READINGS FROM RABELAIS."against the rebellious, heretical, reprobate Protestants, who are disobedient to the holiness of thisgood God on earth. It is not only lawful for himto do so, but it is enjoined him by the sacred decretals; and he must put to the fire emperors,kings, dukes, princes, or commonwealths, shouldthey transgress one iota of their commands; hemust strip them of all their goods, take their kingdoms from them, proscribe them, anathematisethem, and destroy not only their bodies, their children, and other relations, but damn also their soulsto the very bottom of the most burning caldronin hell."66 Here, in the devil's name," said Panurge, "thepeople are no heretics, such as was our Raminagrobis, and as they are in Germany and England.You are Christians picked out on the counter.""Ay, marry are we," returned Homenas, "andfor that reason we shall all be saved. Let us gotake the holy water, and then to dinner."Now, topers, pray observe that while Homenaswas saying his dry mass, three churchwardens, eachof them with a large basin, went round among thepeople, with a loud voice, " Pray remember theblessed men who have seen his face." As we cameout of the temple they brought their basins brimfull of Papimany money to Homenas, who told usthat it was to feast with, and that, of this contribution and tax, one part should be laid out in goodPANTAGRUEL. 285drinking, the other in good eating, according to amirific exposition hidden in a corner of their holydecretals, which was performed, and that at anoted tavern not much unlike Guillot's at Amiens.Believe me, the eating was plentiful, and the glassesnumerous.I made two notable observations at that dinner,-the one, that there was not one dish served up,whether of kids, capons, hogs, pigeons, conies, leverets, turkeys, or others, without abundance ofmagistral stuffing; the other, that every course,and the dessert also, were served up by marriageable maids, -fair, I assure you, pleasing, comely,sweet, and gracious. They were all clad in finelong white albs, with two girdles; their heads bare,their hair trimmed with little bands and ribands ofviolet silk, stuck with roses, gilly- flowers, marjoram,daffidown-dillies, thyme, and other sweet flowers.At every cadence they invited us to drink withcareful and dainty courtesies; nor was the sight ofthem unwelcome to all the company and as forFriar John, he looked on them sideways, like a curthat steals a capon. When the first course wastaken off, the girls melodiously sang an epode inpraise of the sacrosanct decretals; and then, thesecond course being served up, Homenas, joyfuland cheery, called to one of the butlers, and one ofthe girls promptly brought him a great cup ofextravagant wine. He took fast hold of it, and,286 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.fetching a deep sigh, said to Pantagruel, “ My lord,and you fair friends, I drink to you with all myheart; you are all very welcome. " When he hadtipped that off, and given the cup to the prettyserving-maid, he lifted up his voice and said, " Odivine decretals, how good is good wine foundthrough you! ""This," said Panurge, “ is not the worst thing inthe pannier. ""But it would still be a better," said Pantagruel,"if they could turn bad wine into good.""O seraphic Sextum! " continued Homenas,"how necessary are you to the salvation of poormortals! O cherubic Clementina! how perfectlythe perfect institution of a true Christian is contained and described in you! O angelical Extravagants! how poor souls which wander in mortal.bodies, here below in this vale of misery, wouldperish without you! When, ah! when shall thisspecial gift of grace be bestowed on mankind, as tolay aside all other studies and concerns, to peruseyou, to understand you, to know you by heart, topractise you, to incorporate you, to turn you intoblood, and incentre you in the deepest ventricles oftheir brains, in the inmost marrow of their bones,and intricate labyrinth of their arteries? Oh, thenand not otherwise shall the world be happy! Then,ah then! no hail, frost, ice, snow, or accidents;then plenty of all earthly goods here below. ThenPANTAGRUel. 287uninterrupted and eternal peace through the universe, an end of all wars, plunderings, drudgeries,robbing, assassinations, except against the cursedand rebellious heretics. Oh, then, rejoicing, cheerfulness, jollity, solace, sports, and delicious pleasures, over the face of the earth. Oh! what greatlearning, inestimable erudition, and godlike precepts, are knit together in the divine chapters ofthese eternal decretals!"Oh! how, if you read but one demy canon, oneshort paragraph, or single observation of thesesacrosanct decretals, you perceive to kindle in yourhearts a furnace of divine love, charity towardsyour neighbour (provided he be no heretic), assuredcontempt of all casual and sublunary things, firmcontent in all your affections and ecstatic elevationof soul even to the third heaven."" Here is talking of organs! " quoth Panurge;"for my part, I believe as little of it as I can."Saith Ponocrates: " At Montpelier, one JohnChouart bought of the monks of St Olary a fairset of decretals, written on fine large parchment ofLamballe, to beat gold between the leaves. Astrange chance happened, for not so much as apiece that was beaten in them came to good, butall were dilacerated and spoiled.""Mark this," cried Homenas; "divine punishment and vengeance. ""At Mans," said Eudemon, " Francis Cornu,288 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.apothecary, had turned an old set of Extravagantsinto paper screws: I renounce the devil if whatever was wrapped up in them was not immediatelycorrupted, rotten, and spoiled -incense, pepper,cloves, cinnamon, saffron, wax, cassia, rhubarb,tamarinds, all drugs, medicines, and purgatives.""Vengeance," quoth Homenas, " and divinejustice! Thus to put the sacred Scriptures to profane uses. ""At Paris," said Carpalim, " one Groignet, a tailor,had turned an old Clementinæ into patterns andmeasures. O strange chance! all the clothes thatwere cut on them were spoiled and lost; gowns,hoods, cloaks, cassocks, jerkins, jackets, waistcoats,capes, doublets, petticoats, and farthingales. Groignet, thinking to cut a hood, would cut out a highcrowned hat; for a cloak, he would shape you arochet; on the pattern of a doublet, he wouldmake you a cloak; then his journeymen havingstitched it up, did pink it at the bottom, and so itlooked liked a pan to fry chestnuts. Instead of acape, he made a boot; on the pattern of a farthingale,he shaped a mask; and thinking to make a mantle, he cut a Swiss tabour. Insomuch that thepoor man was condemned to make good the stuffto all his customers; and is now a bankrupt byreason thereof.""Punishment," said Homenas, " and vengeancedivine! "PANTAGRUEL. 289"At Cahusac," said Gymnast, " a match was madeby the lord of Estissac and Viscount Lauzun toshoot at a mark. Perotou had taken to pieces halfa set of decretals on good Canonge paper, and fromthe leaves had cut the white for the butt. I givemyself, I sell myself, I give myself crossways to allthe devils, if ever any archer in the country (thoughthey are very good in Guienne) could hit the white.All shot wide. Nothing ofthe holy white sacrosanctwas contaminated or touched: nay, and Sansorninthe elder, who held stakes, swore to us, " Figued'Hyeres! " (his great oath) that he had openly,visibly, and manifestly seen the bolt of Carquelingoing straight to the round circle in the middle ofthe white; on the point of hitting, it had goneaside above seven feet and four inches wide of ittowards the bakehouse.""Miracle! " cried Homenas, " miracle! miracle!I drink to you all, gentlemen; I vow you seem tome very sound Christians." While he said this, themaidens began to giggle among themselves."Methinks," said Pantagruel, " upon such whitesone would be in greater safety against the arrowsthan was formerly Diogenes. ""How is that?" asked Homenas. "Was he adecretalist? ""Diogenes," said Pantagruel, " one day, for pastime, went to see some archers who were shootingat the butt. Among them was one so poor, malT290 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.adroit, and unskilful that, when it was his turn toshoot, all the bystanders got out of the way forfear of being hit by him. Diogenes had seen himshoot; so when he was taking aim a second time,and the people were getting to the right and left,he ran and placed himself at the foot of the white,holding that place to be the safest, and that sobad an archer would certainly hit any other, andthat the white alone was in safety from the arrow. ""One of the Seigneur d'Estissac's pages at lastfound out the charm, " pursued Gymnast. " By hisadvice, Perotou changed the white, and used somepapers of Pouillac's lawsuit. Then every one shotcleverly.""At Landerousse," said Rhizotomus, "at thewedding of Jean Delif, the nuptial rejoicings werenotable and sumptuous, as was then the custom ofthe country. After supper, farces, interludes, andpleasant nonsense were acted: they had alsomorris- dancers, with bells and tabours, and diverssorts of masks and mummers were let in. Myschoolfellows and I , to grace the festival to thebest of our power (for in the morning we all ofus had fair favours in white and violet) , contriveda merry mask with store of co*ckle- shells, shells ofsnails, and suchlike. Then for want of cuckoopintle, burdock, and paper, we made ourselvesfalse faces with the leaves of an old Sextum , thathad been thrown by, cutting out holes for thePANTAGRUEL. 291eyes, the nose, and the mouth. Marvels! Whenwe had played our little antic tricks, and came totake off our sham faces, we appeared more hideousand ugly than the little devils at the ' Passion ' ofDoué, so much were our faces spoiled at theplaces touched by those leaves: one had therethe smallpox; another the rot; another themeasles; another, boils and carbuncles; in short,he came off the least hurt who only lost his teethby the bargain.""Miracle! " cried out Homenas, " miracle! ""Hold, " cried Rhizotomus; " it is not yet timeto laugh. My sisters, Catherine and Renée, hadput their hoods, their ruffles, and neck-ruffs, newwashed, starched, and ironed, into that very bookof decretals; for it was bound with thick boards,and had strong clasps. Now, by the virtue ofGod ""Hold," interrupted Homenas; "what God doyou mean? "" There is but one," answered Rhizotomus." In heaven, I grant," replied Homenas; "butwe have another here on earth. ""Ay, marry have we," said Rhizotomus; "buton my soul, I had quite forgotten it. Well then,by the virtue of god the pope on earth, theirhoods, ruffles, bibs, coifs, and other linen, turnedas black as a charcoal-man's sack.""Miracle! " cried Homenas.292 READINGS FROM RABELAIS." I wish," said Epistemon, " that I had paid apint of tripe, so we had but compared with theoriginal the dreadful chapters, Execrabilis, Demulta, Si plures, De annatis per totum, Nisi essent,Cum ad monasterium, Quod dilectio, Mandatum,and certain others, which draw every year out ofFrance to Rome four hundred thousand ducatsand more. Is that nothing? ""That," said Homenas, " seems to me but little,seeing that France, the most Christian, is the onlynurse of the see of Rome. However, find me inthe whole world a book, whether of philosophy,physic, law, mathematics, or other human learning,even the Holy Scripture itself, which will draw asmuch money thence? None. Nargues! nargues!none can. You will nowhere else find this aurifluent energy, I assure you."Yet these devils of heretics refuse to learn andknow it. Burn them, tear them, nip them with hotpincers, drown them, hang them, impale them,cripple them, dismember them, bowel them, cutthem up, mince them, grill them, hack them,crucify them, boil them, carve them, quarter them,smash their limbs, break them, carbonade theirwicked decretalifuges, these heretics, worse thanhomicides, worse than parricides, murderers ofthe decretals." As for you, good people, if you wish to becalled and reputed true Christians, I most earnest-PANTAGRUEL. 293ly pray you to believe no other thing, to think on,say, undertake, or do no other thing, except onlywhat is contained in our sacred decretals, and theircorollaries, this fine Sextum, these fine Clementinæ, these fine Extravagants. O deific books!So shall you enjoy glory, honour, exaltation,wealth, dignities, and preferments, in this world.'De tous reverezD'ung chascun redoublezAtous préférez . '"What was it that founded, underpropped, andfixed, and now maintains, nourishes, and feeds thedevout monks, in convents, monasteries, andabbeys, without the daily, nightly, continualprayers of whom would the world be in evidentdanger of returning to its primitive chaos? Thesacred decretals."What makes and daily increases the famousand celebrated patrimony of St Peter in plentyof all temporal, corporeal, and spiritual blessings?The holy decretals."What makes the holy apostolic see of Rome,in all times, and at this present, so dreadful in theuniverse, that all kings, emperors, potentates, andlords, willy, nilly, must depend upon him, holdof him, be crowned, confirmed, and authorised byhim, come thither to kiss and fall down before hisholy slipper, whose picture you have seen? Themighty decretals of God.294 READINGS FROM RABELAIS." I will discover to you a great secret. Theuniversities of your world have commonly a book,either open or shut, in their arms and devices:what book do you think it is? ""Truly, I do not know," answered Pantagruel;"I never read in it.""It is the decretals," said Homenas, " withoutwhich would perish privileges of all universities.You owe this knowledge to me; ha, ha, ha,ha, ha! "Here Homenas began to laugh; and then hegave his great fat four-cornered cap to one ofthe lasses, who clapped it on her pretty headwith a great deal of joy, after she had amorously kissed it, as a sure token that she shouldbe first married.Vivat," cried Epistemon, "fifat, bibat, pipat.""O apocalyptic secret! " continued Homenas."Now for the fruit, maids. I was saying, then,that giving yourselves thus to the study of theholy decretals, you will gain wealth and honourin this world. I add, that in the next, you willinfallibly be saved in the blessed kingdom ofheaven, whose keys are given to our good decretaliarch god. O my good God, whom I adore andnever saw, by special grace open unto us, at thepoint of death at least, this most sacred treasure ofour holy mother church, whose protector, preserver, steward, administrator, and dispenser thou art;PANTAGRUEL. 295and take care that the precious works of supererogation, the goodly pardons, do not fail us in timeof need; so that the devils may not find an opportunity to gripe our precious souls, and the dreadfuljaws of hell may not swallow us. If we must passthrough purgatory, patience. It is in thy power todraw us out of it when thou pleasest." Here Homenas began to shed huge, hot, briny tears, to beathis breast, and kiss his thumbs in the shape of across.Dinner being over, we took our leave of theright reverend Homenas, and of all the goodpeople, humbly giving thanks; and, to makethem amends for their kind entertainment, promised them that, at our coming to Rome, wewould make our applications so effectually to thePope, that he would speedily be sure to come tovisit them in person. After this we went onboard.Pantagruel, by an act of generosity, and as anacknowledgment of the sight of the Pope's picture, gave Homenas nine pieces of double frizedcloth of gold, to be set before the grates of thewindow. He also caused the church-box, for itsrepairs and fabric, to be quite filled with doublecrowns of gold, and ordered nine hundred andfourteen angels to be delivered to each of thegirls who had waited at table, for marriage portions when their time should come.296 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.When we were at sea, junketing, tippling, discoursing fair and short discourses, Pantagruel roseand stood up to look out, then asked us, " Do youhear nothing, gentlemen? Methink I hear peopletalking in the air, yet I can see nobody. Hark! "According to his command, we listened, and withfull ears sucked in the air, like fair oysters in theshell, to find if we could hear some sound scattered through the sky, and to lose none of it,after the example of the Emperor Antoninus,some of us laid their hands hollow next to theirears; but all this would not do, nor could we hearany voice. Yet Pantagruel continued to assure ushe heard various voices in the air, some of men,and some of women.ThisAt last it seemed either that we also heard something, or at least that our ears tingled; and themore we listened, the plainer we discerned thevoices, so as to distinguish whole words.mightily frightened us, and not without cause,since we could see no one, yet heard such varioussounds and voices of men, women, children, andhorses, insomuch that Panurge cried out, "Ventrebieu! Is this mockery? We are lost. Let usfly. There is some ambuscade hereabouts. FriarJohn, art thou here, my friend? I pray thee,stay by me. Hast thou got thy tool? Seethat it do not stick in thy scabbard; you neverscour it half. We are undone. Hark! They arePANTAGRUEL. 297guns; let us fly, I do not say with hands and feet,as Brutus said at the battle of Pharsalia; I say,with sails and oars. Let us fly; I never havecourage at sea: in cellars, and elsewhere, I havemore than enough. Let us fly. Let us save ourselves. I do not say this for any fear that I have;for I dread nothing but danger, that I do not. Ialways say that. The free archer of Baignoletsaid as much. Let us hazard nothing else, therefore, I say, lest we come off bluely. Let us fly.Turn front. Would I were now well in Quinquenois, though I were never to marry. Boutship.Let us fly; we are not for them; they are ten toone, I will warrant you; nay, and they are on theirown dunghill, while we do not know the country.They will kill us. We will lose no honour by flying. Demosthenes saith, that the man that runsaway may fight another day. At least, let usretreat. Helm a-lee; bring the main tack aboard,haul the bowlins, hoist the topgallants; we are alldead men. Let us fly, in the name of all thedevils; let us fly."Pantagruel hearing the outcry which Panurgemade, said, " Who is this coward? Let us firstsee what people they are; perhaps they may befriends: I can discover nobody yet, though I cansee a hundred miles round me. But let us consider a little: I have read that a philosopher,named Petron, was of opinion that there were298 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.several worlds that touched each other in an equilateral triangle; in whose centre, he said, was thedwelling of truth; and that the words, ideas, copies,and images of all things past, and to come, residedthere; round which was the Age; and in certainyears, at long intervals, part of them fall on mankind like catarrhs, just as the dew fell on Gideon'sfleece, part remaining reserved for the future andthe fulfilment ofthe Age."" I also remember," continued he, " that Aristotle affirms Homer's words to be flying, moving,and consequently animated. Besides, Antiphanessaid, that Plato's philosophy was like words, which,being spoken in some country during a hard winter, are immediately congealed and frozen by thecold ofthe air, and are not heard; for what Platotaught young lads, could hardly be understood bythem when they were grown old. Now," continuedhe, " we should philosophise and search whetherthis be not the place where those words arethawed."We should wonder very much if this were thehead and lyre of Orpheus. When the Thracianwomen had torn him to pieces, they threw hishead and lyre into the river Hebrus; down whichthey floated to the Euxine sea, as far as the islandof Lesbos; and from the head there issued perpetually a doleful song, as if lamenting the deathof Orpheus, and the lyre, wind's impulse movingPANTAGRUEL. 299its strings, harmoniously accompanied the voice.Let us see if we can discover them hereabouts."The pilot made answer: " Be not afraid, mylord; we are on the confines of the Frozen Sea, onwhich, about the beginning of last winter, happeneda great and bloody fight between the Arimaspiansand the Nephelibates. Then froze in the air thewords and cries of men and women, the hewing ofbattle-axes, the hurtling of armour and harness,the neighing of horses, and all other din of battle;and now, the rigour of the winter being over, theserenity and warmth of the good season havingcome, they melt and are heard. ""Pardieu!" said Panurge, " I believe it; butcould not we see some of them? I think I haveread that, along the mountain on which Mosesreceived the Judaic law, the people saw the voicessensibly.""Here, here," said Pantagruel, " here are somethat are not yet thawed." He then threw on thedeck whole handfuls of frozen words, which seemedto us like the sugar plums of many colours usedin heraldry some words gules, some vert, someazure, some sable, some or; and when we hadsomewhat warmed them between our hands, theymelted like snow, and we really heard them, butcould not understand them, for it was a barbarousgibberish. One of them only, that was pretty big,having been warmed between Friar John's hands,300 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.gave a sound much like that of chestnuts when theyare thrown into the fire, without being first cut,which made us all start. " This was the report ofa field- piece in its time," cried Friar John.Panurge prayed Pantagruel to give him somemore; but Pantagruel told him that to give wordswas the part of a lover."Sell me some, then," cried Panurge." That is the part of a lawyer," returned Pantagruel. " I would sooner sell you silence at adearer rate; as Demosthenes formerly sold it bythe means of his argentangina, or silver quinsey."However, he threw three or four handfuls ofthem on the deck; among which I perceived somevery sharp words, and some bloody words, which,the pilot said, used sometimes to go back andrecoil to the place whence they came, but it waswith a slit weasand: terrible words, and others notvery pleasant to the eye.When they had been all melted together, weheard hin, hin, hin, hin, his, tick, torche, forgne,brededin, frr, frrr, frrr, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou,bou, bou, tracc, tracc, trr, trr, trr, trrr, trrrrrr; on, on,on, on, on, on, ououououon, goc, magoc, and I donot know what other barbarous words; which, thepilot said, were words of the snorting and neighingof horses at the charge.Then we heard some large ones, and theysounded when they melted like drums and fifes,PANTAGRUEL. 301and others like clarions and trumpets. Believe me,we had very good sport with them. I would fainhave saved some merry words, and have preservedthem in oil, as ice and snow are kept, and betweenclean straw. But Pantagruel would not let me,saying, that it is a folly to hoard up what we arenever like to want, or have always at hand; merrywords never being scarce among all good and joyous Pantagruelists.THE KINGDOM OF GASTER.That day Pantagruel went ashore on an island,admirable among all others for its situation andits sovereign. On all sides at first landing it wasrugged, craggy, and mountainous, barren, unpleasant to the eye, difficult to the foot, and almost asinaccessible as the mountain of Dauphiné, whichis somewhat like a pumpkin, and in the memoryof man was never climbed by any but Doyac,the conductor of King Charles VIII.'s train ofartillery.He, with strange engines, gained the top, andthere he found an old ram. It was a wonder whohad brought it thither. Some said that an eagleor screech-owl, having carried it thither while itwas yet a lamb, it had got away, and saved itselfamong the bushes.302 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Having with much toil and trouble overcomethe difficulty of the entrance, we found the top ofthe mountain so pleasant, so fertile , so healthfuland delicious, that I thought it was the true gardenor earthly paradise, about whose situation ourgood theologians so much dispute and labour.But Pantagruel affirmed that here was the seatof Areté-that is, Virtue-described by Hesiod,with submission to better judgments. The rulerof the place was Messer Gaster, the first Master ofArts in the world. For, if you believe that fire isthe great Master of Arts, as Cicero writes, you errand are wrong; for Cicero never believed this. Ifyou think that Mercury was the first inventor ofarts, as our ancient Druids believed, you are greatlyout of the right way. The satirist's sentence, thataffirms Master Gaster to be the master of all arts,is true. With him peacefully resided the gooddame Penia, otherwise called Want, the mother ofthe nine Muses, on whom Porus, the lord of Plenty,formerly begot Love, that noble child, the mediatorof heaven and earth, as Plato affirms in Symposio.We were all obliged to pay our homage andswear allegiance to this chivalrous sovereign; forhe is imperious, severe, blunt, hard, uneasy, inflexible: you cannot make him believe anything,represent anything to him, or persuade him anything.1 Persius.PANTAGRUEL. 303He does not hear; and, as the Egyptians said.that Harpocrates, the god of silence, named Sigalion in Greek, was without a mouth, so Gaster wascreated without ears, even like the image ofJupiterin Candia.He only speaks by signs; but those signs aremore readily obeyed by every one than the statutes of senates or commands of monarchs. Neitherwill he admit the least let or delay in his summons.You say that, when a lion roars, all the beastsround about, as far as his roar can be heard,tremble. This is written, it is true; I have seenit. I assure you that, at Messer Gaster's command, the very heavens tremble, and all the earthshakes. His command is called, " Do this withoutdelay, or die."The pilot was telling us how, on a certain time,after the manner of the members that mutiniedagainst the belly, as Æsop describes it, the wholekingdom of the human body conspired againsthim, and swore to withdraw from his yoke; butthey soon found their mistake, and most humbly submitted, for otherwise they had all beenfamished.What company soever he is in, none dispute.with him for precedence or superiority; he stillgoes first, though kings, emperors, or even thepope were there. At the council of Basle he wasfirst; though some will tell you that the council.304 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.was tumultuous, by the contention and ambitionof many for priority.In order to serve him, every one is busied, everyone labours. Indeed, for recompense, he does thisgood to mankind, as to invent for them all arts,machines, trades, engines, and crafts: he even instructs brutes in arts which are against their nature-making poets of ravens, jackdaws, jays, and starlings, and poetesses of magpies, teaching them toutter human language, speak and sing; and all forthe paunch. Eagles, falcons, goshawks, sparrowhawks, merlins, and other wild birds he domesticates and trains; so that setting them free in theair, whenever he thinks fit, as high and as long ashe pleases, he keeps them suspended, straying, flying, hovering, and courting him above the clouds:then on a sudden he makes them come down toearth from heaven; and all for the paunch.Elephants, lions, rhinoceroses, bears, horses,mares, and dogs, he teaches to dance, prance,vault, fight, swim, hide themselves, fetch and carrywhat he pleases; and all for the paunch.Salt and fresh water fish, whales, and the monsters of the main, he brings them up from thebottom of the deep; wolves he forces out of thewoods, bears out of the rocks, foxes out of theirholes, and serpents out of the ground; and all forthe paunch.In short, he is so enormous, that in his rage hePANTAGRUEL. 305devours all men and beasts: as was seen amongthe Vascons, when Q. Metellus besieged them inthe Sertorian wars; among the Saguntines besieged by Hannibal; among the Jews besiegedby the Romans; and among six hundred more;and all for the paunch. When his regent Peniatakes a progress, wherever she moves all senatesare shut up, all statutes repealed, all orders vain;to no law is she subject, from all is she exempt.All shun her, in every place choosing rather toexpose themselves to shipwreck at sea, and venture through fire, rocks, and precipices, than to beseized by her.You know that, by the institution of nature,bread has been assigned for provision and food;with the addition of this heavenly blessing, thatnothing should be wanting to procure and keepthis bread.Accordingly, from the beginning he invented thesmith's art, and husbandry to cultivate the ground,that it might yield him corn; he invented arms,and the art of war, to defend corn; physic andastronomy, with other parts of mathematics, whichmight be useful to keep corn a great number ofyears in safety from the injuries of the air, beasts,robbers, and purloiners; he invented water, wind,and handmills, and a thousand other engines togrind corn, and to turn it into meal; leaven tomake the dough ferment, salt to give it a savourU306 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.(for he knew that nothing makes men more subjectto diseases than bread unfermented and withoutsalt).Fire to bake it; hour-glasses, dials, and clocksto mark the time of its baking. It has happenedthat corn failed in one country; he contrived meansto convey it from another country.He, by great invention, mixed two species ofanimals, asses and mares, for the generation of athird, which we call mules, more strong, less delicate, and more lasting for hard service than theother two. He invented carts and waggons, todraw him along with greater ease. If seas andrivers hindered his progress, he devised boats,galleys, and ships (to the astonishment of theelements) to waft him over seas, to sail by rivers,to barbarous, unknown, and far distant nations,thence to bring, or thither to carry corn.It has happened, in some years, that when hehad tilled the ground there was no rain in dueseason, for want of which the corn remained in itdead and lost. In other years, the rain has beenexcessive, the hail spoiled it, the winds shook outthe grain, the tempests blew it down. He longbefore our coming had found out a way to conjurethe rain down from heaven only with cutting certain grass, common enough in the field, yet knownto very few, some of which he showed us. I tookit to be the same as the plant, one of whose boughsPANTAGRUEL. 307being dipped by Jupiter's priest in the Agrianfountain, on the Lycian mountain in Arcadia, intime of drought, raised vapours which gatheredinto clouds, and then dissolved into rain, so thatthe whole country was kindly moistened.He also found a way to keep the rain up in theair, and make it to fall into the sea. He found outa way and means to annihilate the hail, suppressthe winds, and turn aside storms. Another misfortune happened when thieves and plundererssometimes stole the corn and bread. He inventedthe art of building towns, forts, and castles tohoard it and secure it. It has also happenedthat, finding no bread in the fields, he heardthat it was hoarded up in the cities, castles, andfortresses, and more carefully guarded and defended by the people than were the golden applesof the Hesperides by the dragons. He found outthe way to beat and demolish forts and castles,with machines and warlike thunderbolts, batteringrams, ballistas, and catapults, whose shapes wereshown us, not over-well understood by the ingenious architects, disciples of Vitruvius, —as master Philebert de l'Orme, grand architect of thegreatest king, has owned to us.And seeing that these tools of destruction werebaffled by the cunning subtilty or the subtle cunning offortifiers, he lately invented cannons, fieldpieces, culverins, mortar- pieces, bombs, instru-308 READINGSFROM RABELAIS.ments that dart balls of iron, lead, and bronze,some of them outweighing huge anvils, by themeans of a horrific powder, at which nature standsastonished and owns herself outdone by art, holding in contempt the usage of the Oxydracians,who by force of thunders, hails, storms, lightnings,vanquished their enemies and put them to suddendeath. For one discharge of our great guns ismore dreadful, more terrible, more diabolical, andmaims, tears, breaks, slays more men, destroysmore walls, than a hundred thunderbolts.[After leaving the island of Maitre Gaster, they werebecalmed off an island called Chaneph, or Hypocrisy, wheredwell all those who live by shams, such as hermits, holymountebanks, and so forth: next by the land of Thieves,where they do not land, an omission ever to be regretted.The Fourth Book ends, and the Fifth, published after thedeath of the author, carries on the voyage, but wants thelast touches and corrections of the author. We first touchat the Ile Sonnante, or Isle of Ringing. ]Pursuing our voyage, we sailed three days, without discovering anything; on the fourth, we madeland. Our pilot told us that it was the Ile Sonnante, and we heard afar off a kind of a confusedand often repeated noise, that seemed to us notunlike the sound of great, middle- sized, and littlebells, rung all at once, as is done at Paris, Tours,Gergeau, Nantes, and elsewhere, on high holidays;and the nearer we came to the land, the louder weheard that ringing.PANTAGRUEL. 309་Some of us doubted that it was Dodona withthe cauldrons, or the portico called Heptaphone, inOlympia, or the eternal humming of the Colossusraised on Memnon's tomb, in Thebes of Egypt, orthe din that used formerly to be heard about atomb at Lipara, one of the Æolian Islands. Butgeography did not agree with this." I do not know," said Pantagruel, "but thatsome company of bees hereabouts may have begunto swarm, and so the neighbourhood make thisbanging of pans, kettles, basins, the corybanticcymbals of Cybele, grandmother ofthe gods. Letus hearken." When we were nearer, we heardamong the continual ringing of these indefatigablebells, the singing, as we thought, of men. For thisreason, before we landed on the island, Pantagruelwas of opinion that we should go in the pinnaceto a small rock, near which we discovered a hermitage and a little garden. There we found anhonest little fellow, a hermit, whose name wasBraguibus, born at Glenay, who gave us a fullaccount of all the jangling, and regaled us after astrange sort of fashion . Four days in successiondid he make us fast, assuring us that we shouldnot be admitted into the island otherwise, becauseit was then the Fast of the Four Seasons. "I donot," said Panurge, " understand this riddle: thisshould rather be the time of the Four Winds; forwhile we fast we are only stuffed with wind. What!310 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.have not you here some other pastime besides fasting? Methinks it is a meagre sport; we could dowithout so many palace holidays.""In my Donatus," quoth Friar John, " I findbut three times, the preterit, the present, and thefuture.""That time or tense, " said Epistemon, " is aorist,derived from the preterimperfect tense of theGreeks, admitted in variable and uncertain times.Patience, say the lepers.""It is," said the hermit, " inevitable; therefore asI have told you, whoever contradicts it is a heretic,and wants nothing but fire.""Certainly, Father," said Panurge, " being at sea,I much more fear being wet than being warm, andbeing drowned than being burned. Well, however,let us fast in God's name; yet I have fasted solong, that it has quite undermined my flesh, and Ifear that at last the bastions of this bodily fort ofmine will fall to ruin. Besides, I am afraid of vexing you in fasting; for I understand nothing of it,and it becomes me badly, as several people havetold me, and I believe them. For my part I donot much mind fasting. There is nothing so easyand ready to hand. I am much more inclined notto fast for the future; for then one must havewherewith to send to mill. Let us fast, since weare come to these holidays of hunger. I had quiteput them out of my head long ago."PANTAGRUEL. 311" If we must fast, " said Pantagruel, " I see noother remedy but to get rid of it, as we wouldout of a bad road. Also I want to look over mypapers, and see whether study at sea be as good asat land. For Plato, to describe a silly, raw, ignorant fellow, compares him to those that are bred onshipboard, as we would do one bred up in a barrel,who never saw anything but throughthe bung-hole."Our fastings were most hideous and terrible; forthe first day we fasted at broken sticks, the secondat swords beaten down, the third at iron-grinding,the fourth at blood and fire: such was the order ofthe fairies.Our fastings finished, the hermit gave us a letterfrom one whom he called Albian Camar, MasterEdituus of the Ile Sonnante: but Panurge greeting him, called him Master Antitus. He was alittle old fellow, bald-pated, with a rosy nose and acrimson face. He made us all very welcome, uponthe hermit's recommendation, hearing that we hadfasted, as I have told you.When we had well banqueted, he informed us ofthe singularities of the island, affirming that it hadbeen first inhabited by the Siticines, or singersat funerals; but that, according to the course ofnature, as all things are subject to change, theywere become birds.Then I had a full understanding of what AtteiusCapito, Pollux, Marcellus, A. Gellius, Athenæus,312 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Suidas, Ammonius, and others had written of theSiticines; and no longer did it seem difficult tobelieve the transmutations of Nyctimene, Progne,Itys, Alcmene, Antigone, Tereus, and other birds.Little doubt also did we entertain of the Macrobianchildren turned into swans, or of the men ofPallene in Thrace, as soon as they had bathedthemselves nine times in the Tritonic lake, weretransformed into birds. After this nothing couldwe get out of him but of birds and cages.The cages were spacious, costly, magnificent,and of an admirable architecture. The birds werelarge, fine, and neat accordingly, looking like themen in my country; for they ate and drank likemen, digested like men, slept like men: in short,at first sight you would have said that they weremen. However, they were nothing less, as MasterÆdituus said, assuring us that they were neithersecular nor laic.Also their feathers put us into meditation, forsome were quite white, other quite black, othersquite grey, other parti- coloured of white and black;others all red, other white and blue: it was a beautiful thing to see them. He called the malesclergaux, monagaux, pretregaux, abbegaux, evesgaux, cardingaux, et Papegaut, who is unique of hiskind. He called the females clergesses, monagesses, pretregesses, abbegesses, evesguesses, cardingesses, papegesses.PANTAGRUEL. 313However, he said, as among bees get the drones,who do nothing but eat and sport everything, sofor three hundred years there have flocked, Iknow not how, every fifth moon among these joyous birds a great number of bigots who have defiled the whole island, so hideous and monstrousthat they are avoided by all . For all had theirnecks twisted, their paws hairy, the claws and bellyof harpies, and the tails of the Stymphalides.We then asked Master Edituus why, considering the multiplication of these venerable birds, inall the species there was but one popehawk? Heanswered, that such was the first institution andfatal destiny of the stars: that the clergaux begotthe pretregaux and monagaux, but not afterthe manner of the flesh, as bees may be bornof a young bull, according to the art andmethod of Aristeus: the pretregaux begot theevesgaux, who begot the stately cardingaux, andthe stately cardingaux, if they live long enough, atlast come to be papegaut. Of this last kind therenever is more than one at a time; as in a bee-hivethere is but one king, and in the world but onesun.This one dead, another rises in his stead out ofthe whole brood of cardingaux. So that there isin that species individual unity, with perpetuity ofsuccession, neither more or less than in the Arabian phoenix.314 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.It is true, that about two thousand seven hundred and sixty moons ago, two papegaux were seenupon the face of the earth; but then it was thegreatest calamity ever seen upon this island.For," said Ædituus, " all these birds did so clapperclaw and maul one another during that time,that the island was in a fair way of being left without inhabitants. Some stood up for this popehawk, some for the other. Some remained asmute as fishes, and never sang; part of thesebells, as if interdicted, rang not a note.During these troublesome times, they called totheir assistance the emperors, kings, dukes, marquises, earls, barons, and commonwealths of theworld that live on the continent and terra firma.Nor was this schism and sedition at an end, tillone of them died, and the plurality was reduced toa unity.We then asked, what moved those birds to becontinually chanting and singing? Ædituus answered, that it was the bells hanging on the top oftheir cages. Then he said to us, " Will you haveme make these monagaux, whom you see bardocuculated with a Hypocras bag, sing like any woodlarks? ""Pray do," said we. He then rang a bell sixtimes only, and presently monagaux began to run,and monagaux began to sing."And if," cried Panurge, " I rang this bell, couldPANTAGRUEL. 315I in the same way make those other birds yonder,with herring- coloured feathers, sing? ""Just in the same way," returned Edituus.With this Panurge rang, when suddenly thesebirds ran and sang together, but their voiceswere hoarse and displeasing. Ædituus indeedtold us that they fed on nothing but fish , likethe herons and cormorants of the world, andthat they were a fifth kind of bigots newlystamped.He added that he had had intelligence of a greatnavigator who lately passed that way on his return from Africa, that a sixth kind was to flyhither shortly, which he called capucingaux, moresad, more mad, and more tedious, than any kindwhatsoever in the whole island."Africa," said Pantagruel, " still uses to producesome new and monstrous thing.""But," said Pantagruel, “ since you have shownus how the papegaut is begot by the cardingaux,the cardingaux by the evesgaux, and the evesgauxby the pretregaux, I would gladly know howthese same clergaux are born."" They are all birds of passage, " returned Ædituus, " and come to us from the other world; partout of a marvellously great country, called ' Daylack-bread,' the rest out of another towards thewest, which they style ' Too-many- of-us .' Fromthese two countries flock hither, every year, whole316 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.legions of these clergaux, leaving their fathers,mothers, friends, and relations."The manner is this. When there are too manychildren, whether male or female, in some goodfamily of the latter country, insomuch that thehouse would come to nothing, if the paternalestate were shared among them all ( as reason requires, nature directs, and God commands). Forthis cause parents send them off to this Hunchback Isle. I call it Hunchback, because ordinarilythey are hunchbacks, blinkards, cripples, deformed,diseased, ill - made, ill- favoured, a burden in theearth. ""It was quite otherwise among the heathens,"said Pantagruel, " in the reception of a Vestal Virgin: for Labeo Antistius affirms that it was absolutely forbidden to admit a virgin into that order,if she had any vice in her soul, or failing in hersenses, or defect in her body, however secret andsmall."" I wonder," continued Edituus, "if theirmothers ever there bear them nine months, seeingthat they cannot endure them nor keep them nineyears, oftenest not seven, in the house; but by putting only a shirt over the frock, and lopping off Ido not know how many hairs from their crowns,with certain magical and expiatory words, theyvisibly, openly, and plainly, by a Pythagoreanmetempsychosis, without the least hurt, transformPANTAGRUEL. 317them into such birds as you now see. However, Ido not know, fair friends, but that these females,whether clergesses, monagesses, or abbegesses, instead of singing pleasant motets and hymns ofpraise, such as used to be sung to Oromasis byinstitution of Zoroaster, may be singing cataratesand scythropys, as were offered to the Arimaniandemon; and thus continually curse their parentsand friends, who transformed them into birds- Isay, both old and young." But the greatest numbers of our birds come outof the country of Day-lack- bread, which is excessively long. For hither fly the inhabitants of thatland when they are in danger of suffering malesuada fames through not having enough to eat,being unable or unwilling to do anything, or towork at any honest trade or art, or to serve goodpeople faithfully. Those also who have failed intheir loves, who have not succeeded in their enterprises and are desperate; those also who havewickedly committed some crime and are pursuedto be put to death, all fly hither: here they havetheir life provided for, suddenly become as fat asdormice, who before were as lean as pies; herethey have perfect safety, indemnity, and freedom.""But," asked Pantagruel, " these fair birds here,once flown hither, do they never return to theworld where they were hatched? "" Some do," answered Edituus; " formerly very318 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.few, but late and unwillingly; however, since certaineclipses, by virtue of the celestial constellations, agreat crowd of them have flown back to the world.Nor do we vex ourselves a jot about it; for thosethat stay have the better cheer, and all, before flying away, cast off their feathers among these nettlesand briars. "These words were scarce out of his mouth whensome five-and-twenty or thirty birds flew towardsus; they were of a plumage such as I had not yetseen in the island. Their feathers changed fromhour to hour, like the skin of the chameleon and theflower of tripolion or teucrion. They had all underthe left wing a mark like two diameters dividing acircle into equal parts—or, if you had rather haveit so, like a perpendicular line falling on a rightline. The marks which each of them bore weremuch of the same shape, but of different colours;for some were white, some green, some red, andsome blue."Who are those, " asked Panurge, " and how doyou call them?""They are mongrels," quoth Edituus. "Wecall them gourmandeurs, and they have a greatnumber of rich gourmanderies in your world."" I pray you," said I , " make them give us a song.that we may hear their voices.""They never sing," said Ædituus; " but, to makeamends, they eat double."PANTAGRUEL. 319Pray, where are their hens? " said I."They have none," answered Edituus.He then said: " The reason of their coming nearyou is to see if among you they may recognise amagnificent kind of gaut, which are terrible birds.of prey, never coming to the lure nor perching onthe glove, which they say are in your country. Andof these some wear straps tied beneath the knee,very fair and precious, with an inscription on a ring,by which he who thinks evil is condemned to be immediately disgraced; others, before their plumage,bear the image of a devil; and others, the skin of aram.""All that is true, master Edituus," quoth Panurge; " but we have not the honour to be acquainted with them.""Now," cried Ædituus, " we have had enough oftalking! let us go drink.""And eat," quoth Panurge."Eat," replied Edituus, " and drink; nothing isso dear and precious as time, -let us employ it ingood works."He wished us first to bathe in the baths of thecardingaux, fair and delicious; then, on comingout, to be anointed with precious balm. ButPantagruel told him that he should drink but toomuch without that. He then led us into a spaciousand delightful refectory-room, and said: " Braguibusthe hermit made you fast four days together; four320 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.days shall you be here without ceasing to eat anddrink.""But," cried Panurge, " may not we sleep in themeantime?""As you please," answered Edituus; " for hethat sleeps, drinks."Vray Dieu! what cheer we made! O the goodand excellent man!On the third day of the feasting, Pantagruelearnestly desired to see the Papegaut, but Ædituus told him it was not such an easy matter toget a sight of him." How? " asked Pantagruel. " Has he Pluto'shelmet on his crown, the ring of Gyges on hisfinger, or a chameleon on his breast, to make himinvisible when he pleases? ""No," returned Edituus; "but he is naturallyof difficult access: however, I will take care thatyou may see him, if possible. "With this he left us. A quarter of an hour afterwards he came back and told us that Papegautwas to be seen at that hour; so he led us, without the least noise, to the cage wherein he satcrouched up, attended by a brace of little cardingaux and six fat evesgaux.Panurge curiously considered his figure, hissize, and his mien.he said: " Curse theThen with a loud voicebeast! he looks like ahoopoe. "PANTAGRUEL. 321"Speak softly," said Edituus; " Pardieu! he hasears.""Yet he is a hoopoe," returned Panurge."If once," said Edituus, "he hear you thusblaspheming, you are lost, good people. Do yousee that basin in his cage? Out of it shall sallythunderbolts, thunder and lightning, devils, storms,by which you shall be sunk in a moment a hundred feet below ground! ""Better," said Friar John, "to drink and bemerry. "Panurge remained in steady contemplation ofPapegaut and his attendants, when under his cagehe perceived a she- owl. With this he cried out:"Par la vertus Dieu! we are here tricked with finetrickery. Pardieu! here are trickery, treachery,and cheatery more than enough in this house.Look at that owl; we are, pardieu, murderedmen! ""Speak softly," said Ædituus; " speak softly, inthe name of God: it is not an owl at all, nor a she;but a male, and a noble keeper of the altar.""But make Papegaut sing a little," said Pantagruel, " so that we may hear his harmony.""He only sings," returned Ædituus, " and onlyeats at his own hours.""So do not I," quoth Panurge; " all the hoursare mine. Come, let us go drink. ""Now you speak to the purpose," said Edituus.X322 READINGS FROM RABELAIS."If you go on speaking so, you will never be aheretic. Come on, I am of your mind."As we went back to the drinking, we spied anold green-headed evesgaut, who sat moping withhis suffragan and three joyous onocrotalists, allsnoring under an arbour. Near him was a buxomabbegesse singing most sweetly; and we took suchgreat pleasure in it that we could have wished everymember of our bodies to be ears, so as to losenothing of her song and to be wholly enwrappedwith it. Said Panurge, " This pretty abbegesse isbreaking her head with singing, and the fat churlof an evesgaut snores all the while: I will makehim sing, de par le diable! " Then he rang a bellhanging in his cage; but whatever ringing hemade, the louder snored evesgaut, without singingat all. "Pardieu!" said Panurge, " old drone, Iwill make you sing another way. " Then he took upa great stone, meaning to strike him in the middle.But Ædituus cried out, " Honest friend! strike,wound, kill, and murder all the kings and princesin the world by treachery, by poison, or how thouwilt; unnestle the angels from the skies,-Papegautwill pardon thee all this: but meddle not with thesesacred birds, if thou lovest the profit, welfare, andlife of thyself and thy friends and relations aliveor dead; even those who may be born hereafterto the thousandth generation will be made unfortunate by it. Do but look upon that basin. "PANTAGRUEL. 323"Much better let us drink," quoth Panurge."He says well, " said Friar John. "While we arelooking on these devilish birds, we do nothing butblaspheme; and while we are draining the bottles,we do nothing but praise God. Come, then, let usgo drink. Oh the sweet word! "The third day (after we had drank, as you mayunderstand), Ædituus dismissed us. We made hima present of a pretty little Pergoys knife, which hetook more kindly than Artaxerxes did the cup ofcold water that was given him by a clown. Hemost courteously thanked us, and sent all sortsof provisions aboard our ships, wished us a prosperous voyage and success in our undertakings,and made us promise and swear by Jupiter Lapisto come back by his territories.[And so they take leave of L'Ile Sonnante. Had therebeen bythis time left a shadow of doubt of the hatred inwhich Rabelais held ecclesiastical institutions, this chapterwould be enough to dissipate that doubt. The chief officeof the Church is to console, fortify, and encourage the dying,and to say masses for the dead. Therefore Rabelais represents the birds to have originally been singers at funerals.Certainly in the next page he forgets this statement andassigns another origin, but that is his way. The birds inthe cages, the monks and nuns, priests, bishops, cardinals,and the great Pope himself, recruited from all the world,kept well fed and fat by all the world, armed with thunderand lightning (kept in a basin), held sacred from all violence,leading lives of pure gluttony and selfish indulgence, without a hint of religion, morality, learning, or work of anykind, are the Church as Rabelais conceived it, knew it, and324 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.drew it after an experience of seventy years. Not one redeeming feature, no possibility in his mind that this deadand rotten superstition ever had or would again put forth green shoots and umbrageous branches. The world iscrushed, cries the old man bitterly, by the Church. Humanity is enslaved by priests. ]We then pursued our voyage, and the next daystood in for the island of Cassade, the true imageof Fontainebleau; for the land is so very leanthat the bones—that is, the rocks-shoot throughits skin. Besides, it is sandy, barren, unhealthy,and unpleasant. Our pilot showed us there twolittle square rocks, which had eight equal pointsin the shape of a cube. They were so white thatI might have mistaken them for alabaster or snow,had he not assured us they were made of bone.In them he said that there was the house, in sixstoreys, of the twenty-one devils of hazard, so formidable in our country, of which the greatest pairare called sixes, and the smallest ambesace; therest cinques, quatres, treys, and deuces. The otherswere called sice- cinque, sice -quatre, sice-trey, sicedeuce, and sice- ace; or cinque-quatre, cinque-trey,and so forth. Then I noted that there are veryfew gamesters in the world who are not invokers ofdevils. For, throwing the dice on the table, whenthey cry out in devotion, " Sixes, my friend! "-that is the Great Devil; "Ambesace, my darling! "-that is the Little Devil; " Quatre deuce, mychildren! " and so on with the rest, they invoke thePANTAGRUEL. 325devils by their names and surnames. And not onlydo they invoke them, but they call them theirfriends and familiars. True it is that the devils donot always come at will, and at the moment; butin this they are excusable. They were somewhereelse, according to the date and priority of the invokers; so that we must not say they have nosense or ears. They have both, I assure you, andvery fine.He then told us that more wrecks had happenedabout those square rocks, and a greater loss ofbody and goods, than about all the Syrtes, Scyllas,and Charybdes, Sirens, Strophades, and gulfs inthe whole ocean. I had not much ado to believeit, remembering that formerly, among the wiseEgyptians, Neptune was described in hieroglyphicsfor the first cube, Apollo by an ace, Diana by adeuce, Minerva by seven, and so forth.[The twenty-one devils are the numbers on the dice (1 +2 +3 +4+ 5 + 6 = 21 ) . We next came to the island ofCriminal Justice and the Chats Fourrés. The chapterseems to me only the first rough draft, uncorrected, andwithout any of the gaiety with which the author loved tolight up his pages. ]After this we passed Condemnation, anotherdesert island, whereat none for the world cared totouch. We also passed by the Wicket, ' in whichplace Pantagruel would not land; and he did well,¹ The Conciergerie of Paris.326 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.for we were made prisoners, and arrested, by orderof Grippeminaud, Archduke of the Furred Cats,because one of our company would have sold asergeant some hats of Cassade Island.The Furred Cats are very terrible and dreadfulmonsters; they devour little children, and feed uponmarble stones. Tell me, drinkers, should they nothave flat noses? The hair of their skin does notlie outwards, but is hidden within; and they allbear for their symbol and device a gaping pouch,but not all in the same manner, -for some wear ittied to their neck scarf-wise, others behind, someon the paunch, others on the side, and all by reasonand mystery. They have claws so very strong,long, and sharp, that nothing can get from themwhat is once fast between their clutches.some of them cover their heads with caps, wrongside before, others with mortar caps, others withmortar-like caparisons." Entrans en leur tapinaudière,Ce nous dit ung gueux de l'hostière, "Andto whom we gave a half teston, " Good people, Godgive you to come out in good health! Considerwell the mien of these valiant pillars, props ofgrippeminauding justice. And note that if youlive six olympiads and the age of two dogs moreyou shall see these Chats Fourré lords of all Europe,and peaceful possessors of all the goods and do-PANTAGRUEL. 327mains therein, unless in their heirs, by divine punishment, does not suddenly perish the goods andrevenues by them unjustly acquired . Take thisfrom an honest beggar."Amongthem reigns the sixth essence, by meansof which they gripe all, devour all, burn all, quarterall, behead all, murder all, imprison all, waste all,and ruin all, without distinction of right or wrong.Among them vice is called virtue; wickedness,piety; treason has the name of loyalty; robbery iscalled liberality; plunder is their motto, and whenacted by them is approved by all men, except theheretics; and all this they do by authority sovereign and irrefragable. For a sign of the truth ofmy information, you will find that there the mangers are above the racks. Remember this hereafter; and if ever plague, famine, war, storms,earthquakes, conflagrations, or other disasters befallthe world, do not attribute them nor refer them tothe conjunctions of malevolent planets, to theabuses of the court of the Roman, or the tyrannyof secular kings and princes; to the imposturesof hypocrites, heretics, and false prophets; tothe villainy of griping usurers, false coiners, andclippers; nor to the ignorance, impudence, and imprudence of physicians, surgeons, and apothecaries;nor to the perversity of adulteresses, and poisoners, and infanticides; but charge them all to theunspeakable ruin, the incredible and inestimable328READINGSFROMRABELAIS.wickedness, which is continually hatched and practised in the workshop of these Furred Cats. Yetit is no more known in the world than the Cabalaof the Jews; and therefore it is not detested , chastised, and punished, as it rightly should be. But ifit were once displayed, and exposed to the people,there never was, is, nor will be any spokesman sosweet-mouthed who by his art could save them; norany law so rigorous and draconic which could punish them as they deserve; nor yet any magistrateso powerful as to hinder their being burnt alivewithout mercy. Even their own Furred Kittensand relations would hold them in abomination andhorror." For this reason, as Hannibal had of his fatherAmilcar commandment, under solemn and religiousoath, to pursue the Romans with hatred as long ashe lived, so my late father has enjoined me to remain here without till the thunder of heaven fallupon them and reduce them to ashes, like otherTitans, profane, and opposers of God; since mankind is so inured to their oppressions that theyeither do not remember, foresee, or have a sense ofthe woes and miseries which they have caused, -or if they have, either will not, dare not, or cannotroot them out. ""What is that?" said Panurge.I cannot see clearly. Pardieu!let us go back, say I." Ha! No, no;Let us go back;PANTAGRUEL. 329' Ce noble gueux m'ha plus fort estonnéQue si du ciel en automne eust tonné.' ”Turning back, we found the door shut, and itwas told us that one got in as easily as into Avernus, but the getting out was the difficulty, and thatwe should not get out without a warrant from theBench. This for no other reason than becausefolks go easier out of a market than out of a fair.The worst was when we got through the wicket,for we were presented, to get our pass or discharge,before a more dreadful monster than ever was toldof. They called him Grippeminaud. I cannotcompare him better than to Chimæra, Sphynx, andCerberus, or to the image of Osiris, as the Egyptians represented him, with three heads joined,—namely, one of a roaring lion, the other of a fawning cur, and the last of a wide- mouthed wolf,twisted about with a dragon biting his tail, surrounded with fiery rays. His hands were full ofgore, his talons like those of the harpies, his snoutlike a raven's bill, his fangs like those of a fouryear- old wild boar, his eyes flaming like the jawsof hell, and he was covered with mortars interlacedwith caps, and nothing of his arms was to be seenbut his clutches. His seat, and that of the WarrenCats his collaterals, was a long new rack, on top ofwhich large and stately mangers were fixed upsidedown, as the beggar had told us. Over the chiefseat was the picture of an old woman, holding the330 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.scabbard of a sickle in her right hand, a pair ofscales in her left, with spectacles on her nose: thescales of the balance were a pair of velvet pouches,-the one full of bullion, which overpoised theother, empty and long, hoisted higher than themiddle of the beam. I am of opinion it was thetrue effigies of Grippeminauding justice, far different from the institution of the ancient Thebans,who set up the statues of their dicasts and judgesafter death, all without hands, in marble, silver,or gold, according to their merit.When we were presented to him, some kind ofpeople, all clothed with bags and pouches, withlong scrolls of inscriptions, made us sit downupon a stool. Quoth Panurge, " Good, my lords,I am very well upright. Besides, it is somewhatlow for a man with new breeches and a shortdoublet. ""Sit you down," they replied. " Look that youdo not make the court bid you twice. The earthshall presently open its jaws, and swallow you upalive, ifyou do not truly answer. "When we were seated, Grippeminaud, in themiddle of his Furred Cats, called to us in a hoarsedreadful voice, " Now then, now then, now then."("Now then," murmured Panurge, between histeeth, " now then, now then, drink then.")"Une bien jeune et toute blondeletteConceut ung filz Ethiopien sans père;PANTAGRUEL. 331Puys l'enfanta sans douleur la tendrette,Quoyqu'il sortist comme faict la vipère,L'ayant rongé, en moult grand vitupère,Tout l'ung des flancz , pour son impatience;Depuys passa montz et vaulx en fiance,Par l'aer volant en terre cheminant,Tout qu'estonna l'amy de sapience,Qui l'estimoyt estre humain animant. ""Now then, reply," said Grippeminaud, " to thisriddle, and resolve it presently. Now then. ""Now, de pardieu," I replied. " If I had asphynx in my house-now, de pardieu-as Verres,one of your predecessors, had-now, de pardieu—Icould solve this enigma-now, depardieu-but as Iwas never there, and am-now, de pardieu-innocent of the fact."" Now then," cried Grippeminaud. " By Styx,since I will say nothing more-now then-I willshow you-now then-that it would be better foryou to fall into the claws of Lucifer now then-and of all the devils-now then-than betweenmy claws- now then. Dost thou see them well?Now then, villain, dost thou allege thy innocencenow then-as something worthy to escape our tortures? Now then, our laws are like cobwebs-nowthen simple flies and little butterflies are takenin them- now then-great malefactor beetles breakthem-now then-and pass through-now then.In like manner we seek not the great robbers andtyrants-now then they are too hard of digestion332 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.-now then—and would terrify us-now then. Yougentle innocents-now then-you shall be finelyInnocented-now then-the great devil-now then-shall sing your mass for you—now then. "Friar John, impatient of what Grippeminaudsaid, cried out, " Ho! Monsieur the Devil in acoif, wouldest thou have a man tell thee morethan he knows? Art thou not contented withthe truth? ""Now then, " cried Grippeminaud, " is it not partof my reign here-now then-that no one, unlessfirst questioned, should speak—now then? Wholet loose this mad fool here? "" You lie," said Friar John, without moving hislips."Nowthen-when your turn shall come to reply-now then-you will have your own affairs to lookafter-now then.""You lie," said Friar John, in silence." Do you think you are in the Groves of theAcademy?-now then-with the lazy hunters andinquisitors after truth? Now then, we have something else to do-nowthen-here you must reply, Isay—now then-categorically about what you donot know. Nowthen, here you confess to have done-nowthen-what you never did. Here you protestto know what you never learned-now then-hereyou are obliged to have patience—now then-herethey pluck the goose without letting her cry-nowPANTAGRUEL. 333then. You speak without procuration-now then.I see well- now then-your quartan fevers- nowthen-which may marry you- """ Now then," interrupted Friar John. " Devils!archdevils! proto- devils! pan-devils! would youthen marry a monk? Ho! hu! Ho! hu! Youmust be a heretic."Grippeminaud, as if he had not heard whatFriar John said, directed his discourse to Panurge, saying to him: " Now then, now then, nowthen! You rascal, do you want to say nothing? "Panurge replied: " Now, de par le diable là! Isee clearly that the pestilence is here for usnow, de par le diable là! seeing that innocence isno longer in safety here, and the devil sings themass-now, de par le diable là! I pray you let mepay for all-de par le diable là! and let us go. Icannot pay more. Nowthen, de par le diable là! ""Go?" said Grippeminaud. "Now then, did itever happen, for three hundred years-then, nowthen that anybody escaped from here withoutleaving his hair-now then-or oftener his skinnow then? Why? That would be to say thatyou were unjustly brought before us-now thenand by us unjustly treated-now then. Unhappy artthou, truly-now then-but still more shalt thoube-now then-if thou dost not reply to the proposed enigma- now then. What does it mean?now then."334 READINGS FROM RABELAIS."Now, de par le diable là! " replied Panurge,"it is a black weevil, born of a white bean- now,de par le diable là! by the hole which he makes.gnawing it-now, de par le diable là! which sometimes walks and sometimes flies-now, de par lediable là! Whence was it thought by Pythagoras,the first lover of wisdom-now, de par le diable là!to have formerly received a human soulde par le diable là! Now, were you men, afteryour evil death, according to his opinion, yoursouls would enter into the body of weevils-now,de par le diable là! for as in this life you gnawand devour all things, so in the next you shallgnaw-"Et mangerez comme vipères,Les coustez propres de vos mères.now,Now, de par le diable là! " Panurge threw intothe middle of the court a fat leather purse, stuffedwith gold crowns.The Furred Cats no sooner heard the jinglingof the purse, than they all began to play with theirclaws, like violins with the handles off. And allsaid aloud, " It was a very good trial, a daintytrial, a spiced trial. These are noble clients."" It is gold," quoth Panurge, " good goldencrowns. ""The court," saith Grippeminaud, " understandsso much, very good, very good, very good. Go,children, very good; pass out, very good; we arePANTAGRUEL. 335not such devils-very good-as we seem by ourcolour-very good. "As we came out at the wicket, we were conducted to the port by certain highland griffins,who advised us, before we went on board ourships, not to set sail until we had made theusual seigneurial presents, first to the Lady Grippeminaud, then to all the She Furred Cats; otherwise we must return to the wicket. "And gentlemen," added they, " do not forget the drink of thepoor devils. "" By poor devils," answered Friar John, " neveris wine forgotten, but is remembered in all countries and in all seasons."Friar John had hardly said these words ere heperceived seventy-eight galleys and frigates arriving at the port. So he hied him thither to learn.the news, and to see what goods they had onboard. He found that they were all laden withvenison, hares, capons, turkeys, pigs, kids, hens,ducks, teal, geese, and other game.He also spied among these certain pieces ofvelvet, satin, and damask. This made him askthe voyagers, "Whither, and to whom, they weregoing to carry those dainty goods? " They answered that they were for Grippeminaud and the FurredCats." How," asked he, " do you call those drugsthere?"336 READINGS FROM RABELAIS."6Corruption," they replied." Then, they live on corruption," said the Friar;"in a generation will they perish. Par la vertusDieu! It is that; their fathers devoured the goodgentlemen, who, according to their state of life,used to go a- hunting and hawking, to be the betterexpert in war and hardened to labour; for huntingis an image of a martial life, and Xenophon didnot lie when he affirmed that out of hunting, aswell as out of the Trojan horse, had issued all goodand excellent captains. For my part, I am noscholar, but I have it by hearsay; I believe it.Their souls, according to the opinion of Grippeminaud, after their decease, enter into wild boars,stags, roebucks, herons, and such other creatureswhich they loved, and in quest of which they wentwhile they were men; and these Furred Cats, having first destroyed and devoured their castles, lands,demesnes, possessions, rents, and revenues, are stillseeking to have their blood and soul in anotherlife. Oh the good beggar, who forewarned us of allthese things, and bid us take notice of the mangerabove the rack! ""Yea, but," said Panurge to the voyagers,"they have proclaimed by order of the greatking that no one, on pain of the rope, shouldtake stag or doe, boar or buck. "" It is true," answered one for the rest, " but thegreat king is so good and gracious, and thesePANTAGRUEL. 337Furred Cats so mad, and thirsting after Christianblood, that we have less fear in offending the greatking than hope in continually stopping the mouthsof these Furred Cats with such corruption. "[ They next reach the island of Matæotechny (Vain Art) ,ruled over by Queen Entelecheia (Perfection ) or Quintessence (abbreviated into Quinté). She is represented as1800 years old, having been born in the time of Aristotle.Her officers and disciples are the scholastic philosophers,those who waste their time over fruitless investigations andidle experiments. ]Having prudently coasted the whirlwind forabout half a day, on the third day the sky seemedto us somewhat clearer, and we happily arrived atthe port of Matæotechny, not far distant from thepalace of Quintessence.We met full- face on the quay a great numberof archers and men at arms who garrisoned thearsenal; and we were somewhat frighted at first,because they made us all lay down our arms, androughly asked us, saying, " Comrades, from whatcountry are you come? ""Cousins, " quoth Panurge, " we are of Touraine,and come from France, being anxious to pay ourrespect to the Lady Quintessence, and to visitthis famous realm of Entelecheia.""What do you say? " cried they: " do you callit Entelecheia or Endelecheia?""Fair cousins," replied Panurge, "we are a simpleY338 READINGSFROM RABELAIS.folk, excuse the rusticity of our language, for as tothe rest our hearts are frank and loyal. "" We have not questioned you as to this difference without a cause," said they; " for a greatnumber who have passed this way from your country of Touraine, to us seemed plain country folk,yet spoke correctly. But from other countrieshave come we know not what arrogant people,proud as Spaniards, who must needs contest withus at the beginning. They were well rubbed downin spite of their impudent face."Aristotle, that first of men, and paragon of allphilosophy, was our sovereign lady's godfather;and wisely and properly gave her the name ofEntelecheia. Her true name then is Entelecheia.He who calls her otherwise is wrong by all theheavens. You are heartily welcome, gentlemen. "Here they embraced us, whereat were we muchrejoiced.Panurge then whispered me, " Comrade, hastthou not been somewhat afraid this bout?""A little," said I."To tell you the truth of it," quoth he, " neverwere the Ephraimites in a greater fear, when bythe Gileadites they were killed and drowned forsaying Sibboleth instead of Shibboleth."The captain afterwards took us to the queen'spalace, leading us silently with great formality.Pantagruel would have said something to him;PANTAGRUEL. 339but the other, not being able to come up to hisheight, wished for a ladder, or a very long pair ofstilts; then said, " Patience, if it were our sovereignlady's will, we would be as tall as you; well, weshall, when she pleases. "In the first galleries we saw great numbers ofsick persons, differently placed according to theirmaladies.In the second gallery was shown to us by thecaptain, the lady-young, though she was eighteenhundred years at least-fair, delicate, gorgeouslydressed, in the midst of her gentlewomen andgentlemen. The captain said to us, " It is not yetthe time to speak to the queen; be you only attentive spectators of what she does."You have kings in your world who fantasticallycure certain diseases, as scrofula, the king's evil,and quartan agues, by laying on of hands; nowour queen cures all manner of diseases without somuch as touching the sick, but only with a song,according to the nature of the distemper." Hethen showed us the organ with which those miraculous cures were performed. The organ was indeedof strange workmanship: for the pipes were ofcassia; the sounding-board of guiacum; the bellows of rhubarb; the pedals of turbith; and thekeys of scammony.While we were examining this new and wonderful structure, the lepers were brought in by her340 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.abstractors, spodizators, mace - bearers, tasters,cooks, chachanims, nee-manus, and other officers,for whom I want names; she played them I donot know what sort of a song, and they were allimmediately cured.Then those who were poisoned were had in, shesang them another song, and up they got. Thencame on the deaf, the blind, and the dumb, andshe applied to them the same remedy; which didso strangely amaze us (and not without reason)that down we fell on our faces, remaining prostrate,like men in ecstasy, and ravished in excessive contemplation and admiration of the virtue which wehad seen proceed from the lady, and it was not inour power to say a word: thus we remained uponthe ground until she, touching Pantagruel with anosegay of fresh roses, which she held in her hand,made us recover our senses and get up. Then shemade us the following speech, in words sweet assilk, such as Parisatis desired should be spoken toher son Cyrus, or at least of crimson taffetas."Theprobity that scintillises in the circumference,gives me a certain judgment of the virtue latentin the centre of your spirits, and seeing the mellifluous suavity of your eloquent reverences, I easilypersuade myself that your hearts entertain novice, nor any sterility of liberal and lofty knowledge, but abound in many peregrine and rare disciplines; the which it is at present more easy by thePANTAGRUEL. 341common usages of the imperite vulgar, to desirethan to find. That is the reason why I , dominating by the past over all private affection, cannotnow contain myself from saying the trivial wordof the world, which is, be welcome, more welcome,yea, thrice welcome.""I am no clerk," quoth Panurge to me privately;"will you answer?" Nevertheless I did not answer;nor did Pantagruel, and we remained in silence:then said the queen, " By this your taciturnity, Iperceive not only that you are descended from theschool of Pythagoras, from which took root, insuccessive propagation, the antiquity of my progenitors; but also that in Egypt, famous workshopof high philosophy, full many a moon ago, you oncebit your nails and scratched your head with onefinger. In the school of Pythagoras, taciturnitywas the symbol of knowledge; and silence by theEgyptians was recognised by divine adoration: thepontiffs of Hierapolis sacrificed to the great deityin silence, without making any noise or utteringany word. My design is not to enter into a privation of gratitude towards you; but by vivaciousformality, though matter wished to abstract itselffrom me, to excentricate to you my thoughts."Having spoken this, she addressed her officers,and said only, " Tabachins, to the panacea; " andstraight they desired us not to take it amiss, if thequeen did not invite us to dine with her; for she342 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.never ate anything at dinner but categories, abstractions, species, appearances, thoughts, dreams,second intentions, difficulties, antitheses, metempsychoses, transcendentals, and prolepses.Then they took us into a little closet, quiltedwith alarums, where we were treated God knowshow. It is said that Jupiter, on the skin of thegoat which suckled him in Crete, which skinserved him instead of a shield against the Titans,whence he is nicknamed Ægiochos, writes everything that is done in the world. By my faith,brother topers, on eighteen goat- skins it would notbe possible to describe the meats and the goodcheer that they gave us; yea, though it were incharacters as small as those in which were pennedHomer's Iliads, which Cicero tells us he saw enclosed in a nutshell.For my part, had I one hundred mouths, asmany tongues, a voice of iron, the mellifluousabundance of Plato, I could not in four booksdescribe a third part of a second.Pantagruel told me, that according to his belief, the lady, in saying to her tabachins, " To thepanacea," gave them the word symbolic betweenthem of sovereign good cheer; just as Lucullusused to say, " In Apollo, " when he designed to givehis friends a singular treat; though sometimesthey took him at unawares, as, among the rest,Cicero and Hortensius sometimes used to do.PANTAGRUEL. 343When we had dined, a chachanin led us into thequeen's hall, and we saw how, according to hercustom after dinner, with the ladies and princes ofher court, she sifted, bolted, arranged, and passedtime with a fine large sieve of white and blue silk.We also perceived how they revived ancient sports,diverting themselves together atCordax.Emmeleia.Sicinnis.Iambics.Persian.Phrygian.Thracian.Calabris.Molossian.Corybantian.Thermastris.Floralia.Pyrrhic.And a thousand other dances.Afterwards by her orders we visited her palace,and saw there things so new, strange, and wonderful, that I am still ravished in spirit when I thinkof them. However, nothing surprised us morethan the exercises of the gentlemen of her household, abstractors, parazons, nedibins, spodizators,and others, who freely, and without the least dissembling, told us, that the queen their mistress dideverything impossible, and cured the incurable;and only that they, her officers, did and cured therest.One did thoroughly cure folks of every kind ofdropsy, striking them on the stomach nine times.with a double hatchet, without solution of continuity.Another cured all manner of fevers on the spot,344 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.only by hanging a fox tail on the left side of thepatient's girdle.One removed the toothache by only washingthrice the root of the aching tooth with vinegar ofelder tree, and letting it dry half an hour in the sun.Another cured every kind of gout, whether hotor cold, natural or accidental, only making thegouty person shut his mouth and open his eyes.I saw another cure nine honest gentlemen of StFrancis's evil, in a very short space of time, bytaking away all their debts, and placing a cordround every man's neck, at the end of which hunga box with ten thousand gold crowns in it.One, by a wonderful engine, threw houses out ofthe windows, by which means they were purged ofpestilential air.Another cured all the three kinds of hecticfevers, without baths, without milk, dropax, or anyother medicines: he only made the patients monksfor three months; and he assured me that if inthe monastic estate they did not grow plump, theynever could be fattened in this world, either bynature or by art.I saw another surrounded by a crowd of womenin two companies. The one was composed ofyoung girls, attractive, tender, fair, graceful, andof good will, as seemed to me.. The other consisted of old women, toothless, blear- eyed, tawny,cadaverous, and wrinkled.PANTAGRUEL. 345It was told to Pantagruel that he recast the oldwomen, making them grow young again, and by hisart become like the young girls present, whom hehad that same day recast and entirely restoredto the same beauty, form, elegance, height, andform of limbs, as when they were fifteen or sixteen years of age; only excepting their heels,which were somewhat shorter than in their firstyouth.The company of old women waited for the lastbatch in very great devotion, and importuned theofficer with much insistance. He indeed had continual practice in his art, and profit more than alittle. Pantagruel asked him whether he could alsomake old men young again? He said he couldnot. But the way to make them thus grow youngwas to dwell with a new-cast female; for thus theycaught what in Greek is called opíaois. This makesthem change their hair and skin, just as the serpents do annually; and in them their youth isrenewed like that of the Arabian phoenix. This isthe true fountain of youth; for there the old anddecrepit become young, active, and lusty.Just so, as Euripides tells us, happened to Iolaus;thus it happened to Phaon, so much loved bySappho, by the benevolence of Venus; thus toTithonus, by help of Aurora; so to Æson, byMedea, and to Jason also, who, if you will believePherecides and Simonides, thus renewed his youth346 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.by her; and so to the nurses of the good Bacchus,and to their husbands, as Æschylus relates.I then saw a great number of the above-namedofficers, who made Ethiopians white as fast ashops, just rubbing their stomachs with the bottomof a pannier.Others, with three couples of foxes in one yoke,ploughed a sandy shore, and did not lose theirseed.Others washed burnt tiles, and made them losetheir colour.Others extracted water out of pumice- stones,braying them a good while in a mortar, andchanged their substance.Others sheared asses, and thus got very goodwool.Others gathered grapes of thorns, and figs ofthistles.Others washed asses' heads, and did not losetheir soap.Others hunted in the wind with nets, and caughtdecuman lobsters.Others flayed eels at the tail; and the eels didnot cry out before they were flayed, like those ofMelun.Others out of nothing made great things, andmade great things return to nothing.Others cut fire with a knife, and drew up waterwith a net.PANTAGRUEL. 347Others made lanterns out of bladders, and ironpails out of clouds.We saw twelve others under an arbour drinkingout of fair and ample jars four sorts of wine, freshand delicious to all, and we were told that theyraised the time according to the manner of theplace, and that in this manner Hercules formerlyraised the time with Atlas.Others made a virtue of necessity, which seemedto me a very good and useful work.Others, in a large grass plot, exactly measuredthe leaps of fleas, and told us that this was exceedingly useful for the ruling of kingdoms, the conduct of armies, and the administration of commonwealths; and that Socrates, who first drew philosophy down from heaven, and from idle and trifling,made it profitable and of moment, used to spendhalf his time in measuring the leaps of fleas, asAristophanes the quintessential affirms.I saw two keeping watch on the top of a tower,and we were told that they guarded the moon fromthe wolves.In a corner of the garden I met four othersvigorously disputing, and ready to take each otherby the hair. I asked what was the cause of theirdifference. And I heard that they had alreadypassed four days, had been at it ding-dong, disputing on three high, more than physical propositions, promising themselves mountains of gold by348 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.solving them: the first was concerning the shadowofan ass; the second, of the smoke of a lantern;and the third, of goat's hair, whether it were wool?We heard that they did not think it strange thattwo contradictions in mode, form, figure, and timeshould be true, —a thing for which the sophists ofParis would rather be unchristened than confess it.While we were admiring the admirable operations of these men, clear Hesperus already shining,the queen appeared attended with her court. Ather coming we were again amazed in our sensesand dazzled in our sight. She immediately perceived our affright, and said-"What occasions the aberrations of human cogitations through the abysses of admiration, is notthe sovereignty of the effects which they openlyprove to be the consequential result of naturalcauses, by means of the industry of wise artisans;it is the novelty of the experiment which makesimpression on their faculties; not foreseeing thefacility of the operation with a sedate judgment,associated with diligent study. Wherefore, be inyour right minds, and put away all fear, if you areseized with any in the consideration of what yousee done by my officers. See, hear, contemplate,at your free will all that my house contains; littleby little emancipating yourselves from the yoke ofignorance. I am very well disposed towards yourcase. For which, and to give you instruction notPANTAGRUEL. 349feigned, the contemplation of the studious desiresof which you seem to me to have made in yourhearts a singular monument and sufficient proof,I retain you presently in the condition and officeof my abstractors. By Geber, my first tabachin,shall you be described at departure from this place."We humbly thanked her queenship, withoutsaying a word, accepting of the noble office sheconferred on us.[After the port of Matæotechny they made the island ofRoads, where all the paths are moving, by which Rabelaismeans that men are carried along by the ideas and movements of their time. After this island they reach the Iledes Esclots, the island of Clogs, where is the Monastery ofMumbling Friars, who are governed by every rule that ismost useless, most absurd, and most extravagant. ]Thence we went to the island of Sandals, whoseinhabitants live on nothing but soup of salt cod.However, we were very kindly received, and entertained by Benius the Third, king of the island, who,after drinking, took us with him to show us a newmonastery, erected and built by his invention forthe Mumbling Friars: so he called the religiousmen whom he had there. For he said that, onterra firma, lived friars who styled themselves theLittle Servants and Friends of Our Gracious Lady;item, the goodly and fair Friar-minors; the MinimFriars, herring eaters; also the Minim CrutchedFriars. So that the name could be no more350 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.diminished except by Semiquavers or by Mumbling. By their statutes patent obtained, theywere all dressed like so many house-burners, exceptthat, just as in Anjou roofers quilt their knees,so these holy friars have their paunches pavedor tiled, and paunch- pavers are among them inmuch repute.They wear shoes as round as basins, in imitationof those who inhabit the sandy sea. Their chinsare close shaved, and their feet iron- shod; andto show they do not value fortune, they shavethe hind part of their heads from the crown to theshoulder-blades; their hair before, from the bregmatic bones, grows at liberty.Thus do they counter fortune, as folk caring nowhit for worldly goods. Moreover, defying Fortune the various, they bear, not in their hands likeher, but at the belt, instead of paternosters, everyman a sharp razor, which they grind twice a-day,and set three times every night.Each of them has a round ball on his feet, because Fortune is said to have one under hers.The flaps of their cowls are tied in front, andnot behind. In this fashion they have the facehidden, and they freely laugh as much at fortuneas at the fortunate,-neither more nor less thanour ladies laugh when they have their cachelaid ormask, which was formerly called charity, becauseit covers a multitude of sins.PANTAGRUEL. 351The hind part of their heads is always uncovered,as are our faces, which makes them either go forward or backward, which they please. , Now, ifthey go forward, you would then think they wereplaying at blindman's buff. It is a fair sightto see.Their way of living is thus: At the first appearance of dawn they boot and spur one another outof charity; thus booted and spurred, they sleep,or at least snore; and in their sleeping have spectacles on nose, or eye- glasses at the least.We found this fashion strange; but they contented us in their reply, pointing out to us that, atthe day of judgment, whenever it will be, men willbe taking repose and slumber: therefore, to proveclearly that they do not refuse to appear, asthe Fortunate will, they hold themselves booted,spurred, and ready to mount a horseback wheneverthe trumpet should sound.At stroke of noon they wake, and pull off theirboots: those who want to sneeze, sneeze; but all,by law and statute rigorous, amply and copiouslyyawn, taking their breakfast off yawns. The spectacle seemed to me pleasant. Then, their bootsand spurs put upon a rack, they descend to thecloisters. There they curiously wash their handsand mouths, then sit upon a long stool and picktheir teeth until the provost makes a sign bywhistling through his fingers: then they open their352 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.jaws as wide as they can, and yawn sometimes halfan hour, sometimes more, and sometimes less,according as the prior judges the breakfast to beproportionate to the festival of the day; and afterthat they make a very fine procession, in whichthey bear two banners, in one of which is represented in fair painting a portrait of Virtue, in theother of Fortune. First comes a Mumbler, bearingthe banner of Fortune; after him another with thatof Virtue, holding in his hand an aspersoir, dippedin mercurial water, described by Ovid in his Fasti,with which he doth continually bethwack theMumbler bearing Fortune. " This order," saidPanurge, " is contrary to the opinion of Cicero andthe Academics, who will have Virtue to precede,not to follow, Fortune." It was, however, pointedout to me that thus it was fitting for them tomarch, because their intention was to fustigateFortune.IDuring the procession they hum between theirteeth melodiously some kind of antiphones.could not make out their patter; and, on listeningattentively, I perceived that they were singingwith their ears. Oh, the fair harmony, and harmonious with the sound of their bells! Never willyou hear them out of tune.The procession ended, as a promenade and salubrious exercise, they retire within their refectory,and place themselves on their knees under thePANTAGRUEL. 353table, every man resting his chest upon a lantern.Their diet is as follows:-On Sundays they eat puddings, chitterlings ,sausages, fricandeaus, liver with parsley, and youngquails; always excepted the cheese at first andthe mustard to finish.On Mondays, pease and lard, with ample commentary and interlinear gloss.On Tuesdays, store of holy bread, cakes, buns,gateaux, galettes, and biscuits.On Wednesdays, country fashion, fine sheep'sheads, calves'- heads, and badgers'-heads, of whichthere is no want in that country.On Thursdays, seven sorts of soup, and everlasting mustard with them.On Fridays, nothing but sorb-apples; neitherare these too ripe, so far as I could judge by theircolour.On Saturdays they gnaw the bones; not thatthey are poor or needy, for every mother's son ofthem is plump and fat.As for their drink, it is wine Antifortunal; thusthey call I do not know what sort of a liquor ofthe place.When they want to eat or drink, they pull downthe flaps of their cowls in front, and that servesthem for a bib.Dinner despatched, they pray God very well,and all by humming; the rest of the day, waitingᏃ354 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.for the day of judgment, they are taken up withacts of charity.On Sundays they cuff each other.On Mondays they fillip each other.On Tuesdays they clapperclaw one another.On Wednesdays they pull each others' noses.On Thursdays they pinch each other.On Fridays they tickle each other.On Saturdays they flog each other.Such is their diet when they reside in the convent; if by order of the prior they go abroad, thenthey are strictly enjoined, on pains horrific, neitherto touch nor eat any manner of fish, as long asthey are on sea or rivers, and to abstain from allmanner of flesh whenever they are on land; thatevery one might be convinced that, while theyenjoyed the object, they did not enjoy the powerand the desire, and were no more moved with itthan the Marpesian rock. All being done withproper antiphones, sung and chanted by the ears,as we have already said.When the sun goes to bed, they boot and spureach other as before, and, spectacles on nose, theycompose themselves to sleep. At midnight everyone rises: then they grind and set their razors,and the procession made, they clap the tables overthemselves, and feed as aforesaid.[ Next is the island of Satin, a most charming country,where there exists everything found in fable, fiction, andPANTAGRUEL. 355poetry after this comes the country of Tapestry, where aremost remarkable things; and there a tribe of people whosit round an old man called Hearsay. Thence they sailstraight for Lantern Land, the land of light and truth. Before we arrive there and learn the oracle of the Bottle, let usbriefly recapitulate the principal events of this remarkablevoyage. We must remember, first, what it was they werein search of. An idle doubt, the vagary of a busy, restless mind, suggests the first inquiry, " Shall Panurge be married?" What answer is given by the oracles, theastrologers, the wise men, the witches, whom he consults?None. Is there, then, no voice from the unseen worldwhich directs the course of men? No narrower issue thanthis is present to the mind of Pantagruel. In search of ananswer, he leads his followers on this long voyage amongundiscovered islands. We see the island of Pretence andOstentation; the island of Lip- service and Hollow Politeness; the island of Confusion and Desolation, where warhas lately been; the island of the Long-lived, where indark forests, among the ruins of the ancient temples, dwellthe great men of old; the island of Tapinois, where Quaresme-prenant is described, with the follies of Lent; theisland of the Chitterlings; that of Smoke and Windy Doctrine; that of Pope-fig- land; that of Papimanie; the countryofgreat King Gaster, the Ile Sonnante, the islands of Tools,of Gambling, of the Furred Cats, of the Tax- farmers, ofQueen Entelecheia, of Roads, of Sabots, of MumblingFriars, and of Legendary Animals and Things. We havemade the acquaintance of certain persons whom we shallnot easily forget - Quaresme-prenant, Bishop Homenas,Gaster, Ædituus, Grippeminaud, and Queen Entelecheia.We have seen the development of the principal charactersin the book-Pantagruel, Panurge, and Friar John-andwe have learned a great deal. We are prepared for theoracle, whatever it may be, by the warnings we have received and the lessons which our adventurers have taughtus. It is a vain thing to look for advice, aid, or informationfrom magic, divination, sorcery, or astrology. If we wantto find truth, we must ourselves search for it. Armed with356 READINGSFROM RABELAIS.store of the herb Pantagruelion, which means courage,patience, and hope, we must aim at simplicity, avoidingpretence, conceit, affectation. The justice of the world isgenerally chicanery; its wars are due to ambition; vainand idolatrous are the superstitions of the Roman Catholics,who ignorantly adore the Pope; stupid, useless, and mischievous are the religious orders, with their rules whichmean nothing, their ignorance, their gluttony, and theirlicentious lives. The justice of the world is often administered by cruel and rapacious judges, scholastic subtilties,men childish, and lead to no result. If, then, there is inthe world no religion, no justice, no truth, no honesty,nothing real, nothing what it pretends to be, what remainsfor men? So far, there is nothing but to lay in good storeof Pantagruelion, that potent herb, and to hope for theoracle of the Divine Bottle. ]Thereupon we arrived at the port of Lanternland: there Pantagruel discovered, on a hightower, the lantern of Rochelle, which cast a greatlight. We also saw the lantern of Pharos, that ofNauplion, and that of the Acropolis at Athens,sacred to Pallas.Near the port is a little hamlet inhabited by theLychnobians, who are a people living on lanterns,honest and studious. Demosthenes formerly lanternised there.We were conducted from that place to thepalace by three Obeliscolichnys, military guardsof the port, with high hats like Albanians, whomwe acquainted with the causes of our voyage, andour design, which was to desire the queen of thecountry to grant us a Lantern to light and con-PANTAGRUEL. 357duct us, during our voyage to the Oracle of theBottle.This they promised to do, willingly; addingthat we had come at an excellent opportunity, andshould have a good choice of Lanterns, becausethey were then holding their Provincial Chapter.When we came to the royal palace we were presented to the queen by two Lanterns of honour,namely, that of Aristophanes, and that of Cleanthes.Panurge, in Lantern language, explained brieflythe causes of our voyage. We had from her agood reception, and commandment to assist at hersupper, that we might more easily make choice ofone to be our guide, which pleased us extremely;and we did not fail to observe and to note everything, as much in their garbs, motions, and deportments as in the manner after which she was served.The queen was dressed in virgin crystal, wroughtdamaskwise, and set with large diamonds.The Lanterns of the Royal blood were cladpartly with paste diamonds, partly with diaphanousstones, and partly with horn, paper, and oiled cloth.The Cresset-lights took place according to theantiquity and lustre of their families.An earthern dark- Lantern, shaped like a pot,took place of some of the first quality; at which Iwondered much, till I was told it was that ofEpictetus, for which three thousand drachmas hadbeen formerly refused.358 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.I then diligently considered the mode and accoutrement of the many-wicked Lantern of Martial;still more that of the twenty-wicked lamp, onceconsecrated by Canopa, daughter of Tisias.I noted carefully the pensile Lantern, formerlytaken out of the temple of Apollo Palatinus atThebes, and afterwards by Alexander the Conqueror carried to the town of Cymos in Eolia.I saw another remarkable by a tuft of crimsonsilk on its head. I was told it was that of Bartolus, the Lantern of Law.When it was supper-time, the queen first satdown, and then the rest, according to their rankand dignity. For the first course, they were allserved with large mould candles, except the queen,who was served with a flaming taper of white wax;and the Lanterns of royal blood, as also the Provincial Lantern of Mirebalais, who were served witha candle of nuts; and the Provincial of LowerPoitou, whom I saw served with an armed candle.And God wot, what a light they gave with theirwicks,-all, except a number of junior Lanternsunder the government of a great Lantern. Thesedid not cast a light like the rest, but seemed to meto burn with rascally colours.After supper we withdrew to take some rest, andthe next day the queen made us choose one of themost illustrious Lanterns to guide us; after whichwe took our leave.PANTAGRUEL. 359Our glorious Lantern lighting and directing usin all joyousness, we arrived at the desired islandin which was the Oracle of the Bottle. As soonas friend Panurge landed, he actively cut a caperwith one leg, and cried to Pantagruel, " This daywe have what we seek with fatigue and toils sodiverse." He then made a compliment to ourLantern, who desired us to be of good cheer, andnot be daunted or dismayed, whatever we mightchance to see.On our way to the Temple of the Holy Bottle,we were to go through a large vineyard, in whichwere all sorts of vines, as the Falernian, Malvoisian,the Muscadine, those of Tagus, Beaune, Mirevaux,Orleans, Picardent, Arbois, Coussi, Anjou, Grave,Corsica, Vierron, Nerac, and others. This vineyard was formerly planted by the good Bacchus,with so great a blessing, that it yields leaves,flowers, and fruit all the year round, like theorange trees at San Remo.Our magnificent Lantern ordered every one ofus to eat three grapes, to put some vine- leaves inhis shoes, and take a vine - branch in his lefthand.At the end of the vineyard we went under anancient arch, on which was the trophy of a topervery curiously carved.First, on one side was to be seen a long train offlagons, leathern bottles, flasks, cans, vials, barrels,360 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.kegs, pint-pots, quart-pots, pewter-pots, hanging ina shady arbour.On another side was store of garlic, onions,shallots, hams, botargos, round cheeses, smokedtongues, such- like comfits, interwoven with vineleaves.On another were a hundred sorts of drinkingglasses, cups, cisterns, ewers, tumblers, bowls,mugs, jugs, goblets, talboys, and such other bacchicartillery.On the frontispiece of the triumphal arch, underthe zoophore, was the following couplet:-" Passant icy ceste poterne,Garny toy de bonne lanterne.""We took special care of that, " cried Pantagruel,when he read them; " for there is not a better or amore divine Lantern than ours in all Lanternland."This arch ended at a fair and ample alley,covered over with vine branches, adorned withclusters of five hundred different colours, and of asmany various shapes, not natural, but due to theskill of agriculture -being golden, blue, tawny,azure, white, black, green, violet-spotted, streakedwith many colours, long, round, triangular, ovalbearded, great- headed, and grassy. That pleasantalley ended at three old ivy-trees, verdant, and allladen with berries. Our most illustrious LanternPANTAGRUEL. 361directed us to make ourselves Albanian hats withtheir leaves, and cover our heads wholly with them,which was immediately done."The priestess of Jupiter," said Pantagruel, “ informer days, would not, like us, have walked beneath this arbour.""The reason," answered our most perspicuousLantern, "was mystical. For had she gone underit, the wine, or the grapes of which it is made,would have been over her head, and then she wouldhave seemed mastered and dominated by wine.Which implies that priests, and all persons whodevote themselves to the contemplation of divinethings, ought to keep their minds sedate and calm,without any perturbation of their senses-which ismore manifested in drunkenness than in any otherpassion whatever. ""You also, " continued our Lantern, " could notbe received by the Holy Bottle, after you havegone through this arch, did not that noble priestessBacbuc first see your shoes full of vine- leaves;which action is diametrically opposite to the other,and signifies that you despise wine, and havingmastered it, tread it under foot. "" I am no scholar," quoth Friar John, "for whichI am sorry; yet I find, in my breviary, that inthe Revelation was, as a wonderful thing, seen awoman with the moon under her feet. Now, ashas been explained to me, this was to signify362 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.that she was not of the race and nature of otherwomen, who have on the other hand the moon intheir heads, and, consequently, their brains alwaystroubled with lunacy: this makes me willing tobelieve what you said, Madame Lantern, myfriend."Thence we went underground through a plastered vault, on which was coarsely painted a danceof women and satyrs, following old Silenus, whowas laughing on his ass. Then I said to Pantagruel, "This entry puts me in mind of the PaintedCave in the oldest city in the world. There aresimilar paintings, and in as cool a place. ""Which is the oldest city in the world? " askedPantagruel." Chinon," I said, "or Cainon in Touraine. ""I know," returned Pantagruel, " where Chinonlies, and the Painted Cave also, having myselfdrunk there many a glass of cool wine; neither doI doubt but that Chinon is an ancient town- witness its blazon. I own it is said twice or thrice,-" Chinon,Petite ville grand renom,Assise dessus pierre ancienne:Au hault le boys, au pied la Vienne. '" But how do you make it out that it is theoldest city in the world? Where did you find thiswritten? What makes you conjecture it? ""I have found it in the sacred Scriptures," saidPANTAGRUEL. 363I, "that Cain was the first builder of towns; wemay then reasonably conjecture, that from hisname he gave it that of Cainon. Thus, after hisexample, all other founders of towns have giventhem their names: Athena, that is Minerva inGreek, to Athens; Alexander to Alexandria;Constantine to Constantinople; Pompey to Pompeiopolis in Cilicia; Adrian to Adrianople; Canato the Canaanites; Saba to the Sabæans; Assurto the Assyrians; Ptolemais, Cæsarea, Tiberias,and Herodium in Judæa. "While we were thus talking, there came out theGreat Flask, whom our Lantern called the Philosopher, Governor of the Dive Bouteille, attendedby a troop of the temple-guards, all French bottles.He, seeing us carrying the thyrsus, as I have said,and crowned with ivy, recognising also our illustrious Lantern, desired us to enter in safety, andordered we should be immediately conducted tothe Princess Bacbuc, Lady of Honour to the Bouteille, and priestess of all the mysteries; whichwas done.We went down one marble step undergroundwhere there was a landing-place; turning to theleft, we went down two other steps, where therewas another landing-place; after that we came tothree other steps, turning about, and met a third;and the like at four steps, which we met afterwards.Then asked Panurge, " Is it here? "364 READINGS FROM RABELAIS."How many steps have you told? " asked ourmagnificent Lantern." One, two, three, four," answered Pantagruel."How much is that? " asked she."Ten," returned he."Multiply that," said she, " according to thesame Pythagorean tetrad. ""That is, ten, twenty, thirty, forty," cried Pantagruel."How much is the whole? " said she."One hundred," answered Pantagruel."Add," continued she, "the first cube-that iseight: at the end of that fatal number you willfind the temple gate; and pray, observe, this is thetrue Psychogony of Plato, so celebrated by theacademics, yet so little understood; one moiety ofwhich consists of unity, of the two first numbersfull, of two square, and of two cubic numbers. Wethen went down those stairs, all underground;and I can assure you, in the first place, that ourlegs stood us in good stead; for had it not been.for them, we should have rolled about like hogsheads in a vault. Secondly, our radiant Lanternhelped us, for in this descent there appeared to usno other light than if we had been in St Patrick'shole in Ireland, or the cave of Trophonius inBoeotia but Panurge cried out to our Lantern,after we had got down some seventy-eight steps-"Lady of Wonder, with a contrite heart, I be-PANTAGRUEL. 365seech you let us turn back. Par la mort beuf, Idie with fear. I consent never to marry. Youhave given yourself too much trouble on my account; the Lord shall reward you in His greatrewarding- place; neither will I be ungrateful whenI come out of this cave of Troglodytes. Let usgo back, I pray you. I suspect this is Tænarus,by which one gets to hell, and methinks I hearCerberus barking. Hark! it is he, or my earstingle; I have no manner of kindness for the dog,for there is no toothache so great as when dogs.bite us by the legs. If this be the cave of Trophonius, the lemures and goblins will certainly swallowus alive just as they devoured formerly one ofDemetrius's halbardiers, for want of bread. Artthou here, Friar John? Pr'ythee, stay near me; Idie of fear. Hast thou got thy bilbo? I have noarms at all, neither offensive nor defensive; let usgo back.""I am here," cried Friar John, " I am here; haveno fear I have thee fast by the collar; eighteendevils shall not get thee out of my clutches, thoughI were unarmed. Never did a man yet wantweapons who had a good arm with a stout heart;heaven would rather send down a shower of arms,even as in Provence, in the fields of la Crau, nearthe Moat of Mariannes, there rained stones (theyare there to this day) to help Hercules, who hadnothing wherewith to fight Neptune's two sons.366 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.But whither are we bound? Are we going to thelimbo of little children? Or are we going to hellto all the devils? Cordieu! I will bethwack andbelabour them, now I have some vine-leaves in myshoes. Thou shalt see me lay about. Which way?where are they? I fear nothing but their horns."Here was the talk interrupted by our splendidLantern, letting us know this was the place wherewe were to observe silence and taciturnity oftongues for the rest there was peremptory response that we must have no hope of returningwithout the word of the Bottle, now that we hadonce stuffed our shoes with vine-leaves." Come on, then," cried Panurge, " let us chargehead first through all the devils; we can butperish once however, I was reserving my life forsome battle. Push on, push on, pass forwards;I have plenty of courage and more: my hearttrembles a little, I own, but that is only an effectof the coldness and dampness of this vault; it isneither fear nor ague. Push on, pass on, move on.I am called William Lackfear. "After we were got down the steps, we came to aportal of fine jasper, compassed and built in Doricform and work, on whose front we read this sentence in the finest gold, EN ' OINO AAH@EIA: thatis, "In Wine, Truth." The two doors were ofCorinthian brass, massy, wrought with little vinebranches, finely embossed and distinctly engravenPANTAGRUEL. 367according to the requirements of the sculpture, andwere equally joined and closed together in theirmortise without any padlock, key-chain, or tiewhatsoever. Where they joined, there hung anIndian diamond as big as an Egyptian bean, set ingold, having two points, hexagonal, in a right line;and on each side, towards the wall, hung a handfulof garlic.There our noble Lantern desired us not to takeit amiss that she went no further with us-onlythat we must obey the instructions of the priestessBacbuc for she herself was not allowed to go in,for certain causes rather to be concealed than revealed to mortals. However, she advised us to beresolute, to have no fear, and to trust to her for ourreturn. She then pulled the diamond that hung atthe folding of the gates, and threw it into a silverbox fixed for that purpose; she also drew from thethreshold of each gate a twine of crimson silk,about nine feet long, by which the garlic hung,fastened it to two gold buckles that hung at thesides, and withdrew.Immediately the gates flew open without beingtouched; and in opening made not a creaking orloud harsh noise, like that made commonly bygates of bronze rough and heavy, but with a softpleasing murmur that resounded through the vaultsof the temple.Pantagruel soon knew the cause of it, discover-368 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.ing a small cylinder under the extremity of bothdoors, which on the threshold joined the door andturning with it towards the wall, on a hard ophitestone, well turned, and equally polished by this rubbing, caused this sweet and harmonious murmur.I wondered how the gates thus opened of themselves. The better to understand this marvel, afterwe were all got in, I cast my eye between the gatesand the wall, desirous of knowing by what forceand what instrument they were thus closed, suspecting that our amiable Lantern had brought theherb Ethiopis which opens everything; but I perceived that the part at which the gates closed inthe inner mortise was a blade of fine steel enclosedwith Corinthian bronze. I perceived, moreover,two tables of Indian loadstone, broad and half apalm thick, of blue colour, well polished; with themall the thickness within the temple-wall was engraved in the place at which the doors, when entirely open, touched the wall. Now, by the strongattraction of the loadstones, the steel plates wereput into motion, and consequently the gates wereslowly drawn; however, not always, but when thesaid loadstone was removed, after which the steelwas freed from its power, the two bunches of garlic,which our joyous Lantern had removed by thecrimson cord, being at the same time taken away,because it deadens the magnet, and robs it of itsattractive virtue.PANTAGRUEL. 369On one ofthe tables above-named, to the right,the following iambic verse was curiously engravenin ancient Roman characters-" Duc*nt volentem fata, nolentem trahunt. "On the other I saw, to the left, in great letters,elegantly engraved, this sentenceTOUTES CHOSES SE MEUVENT EN LEUR FIN.When I had read those inscriptions, I admiredthe beauty of the temple, and considered the incredible disposition of its pavement, with whichno work that is now, or has been under the cope ofheaven, can justly be compared, —not if it were thatofthe Temple of Fortune at Præneste in the timeof Sylla; or the pavement of the Greeks, calledAsarotum, laid by Sosistratus in Pergamus. Forit was tesserated work, in form of little squares, offine and polished stones, each in its natural colour.One of red jasper, charmingly spotted. Anotherof ophite. Another of porphyry. Another oflycophthalmy, powdered with sparks of gold, assmall as atoms. Another of agate, streaked hereand there with small milk-coloured waves. Anotherof very costly chalcedony. Another of greenjasper, with certain red and yellow veins. And allthese were disposed in their places in a diagonallineAbove the portico, the structure of the pave2 A370 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.ment was an emblemature inlaid with small stonesin their native colours, to embellish the designof the figures; and they were ordered in such amanner that you would have thought some vineleaves had been carelessly strewed on the pavement, for in some places they were thick, and thinin others. This infoliature was wonderful in allplaces: here were seen, as it were in the shade,snails in one place crawling on the grapes; there,little lizards running on the branches; here, grapesthat seemed yet greenish; there, clusters thatseemed full ripe, by such art and device of thearchitect composed and formed, that they could aseasily have deceived the starlings and other birds,as did the painting of Zeuxis. Anyhow, we ourselves were deceived; for where the artist seemedto have strewn the vine-branches thickest, for fearof striking our feet against them, we walked withgreat strides, just as people go over an unequaland stony place.I then cast my eyes on the vault of the temple,with the, walls, which were all inlaid with marble,porphyry, and mosaic work; from one end to theother, beginning on the left of the entry, representing the battle in which the good Bacchus overthrew the Indians.While we were considering in ecstasy the wonderful temple and memorable lamps, the venerablePontiff Bacbuc presented herself to us, with herPANTAGRUEL. 371attendants, joyous and smiling of face; and seeingus duly accoutred, without difficulty, took us intothe middle of the temple, where, under the aforesaid lamp, was the fair fantastic fountain. Thenshe ordered cups, goblets, and glasses to be presented to us, of gold, silver, and crystal, and wewere kindly invited to drink of the liquor springingfrom the fountain. This we very willingly did;for it was a fountain fantastic, of stuff and workmore precious, more rare, and wonderful than everwas dreamed of in the limbo of Plato.Its groundwork was of very pure and limpidalabaster, and its height somewhat more than threespans, being a regular heptagon equally measuredon the outside, with its stylobates, mouldings, contours, and doric undulations about it. Within itwas exactly round. On the middle point of eachangle stood a hollow pillar in form of a circle ofivory or alabaster. These were seven in number,according to the number of the angles..She then ordered her attendants to make usdrink; for, clearly to let you know, we are not likea heap of calves who, as the sparrows only drinkwhen their tails are tapped, so only eat and drinkwhen they are beaten with ropes: never do werefuse anybody who courteously invites us to drink.Then Bacbuc asked us what the drink appeared tous. We replied that it seemed good and freshspring water, limpid and silvery, more than Argy-372 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.. rondes in Ætolia, Peneus in Thessaly, Axius inMygdonia, Cydnus in Cilicia, which Alexander ofMacedon seeing so fair, so clear, and so cold in themidst of summer, conceived the desire of bathingin it, though he foresaw the evil which would happen to him ofthis transitory pleasure." Ha! " said Bacbuc, " see what it is not to consider with ourselves, nor to understand the motions.of the muscular tongue, when the drink glideson it in its way to the stomach. Tell me, noblepilgrims, are your throats lined, paved, or enamelled, as formerly was that of Pithyllus, namedTheutes, that you can have not recognised thetaste and flavour of this divine liquor? Here," saidshe, "turning towards her gentlewoman, "bringmy scrubbing-brushes, you know which, to scrape,rake, and clear their palates."They brought immediately fair, fat, and joyoushams, fair, fat, and joyous tongues, fair and goodhung - beef, botargos, good and fair sausages ofvenison, and such other throat - sweepers. And,to comply with her invitation, we ate till weconfessed our palates well scoured, and ourselvesgrievously tormented with thirst. Then she said,"Once a Jewish captain, learned and chivalrous,leading his people through the deserts, where theywere in danger of being famished, obtained of Godsome manna, whose taste was to them, by imagination, such as that of meat was to them before inPANTAGRUEL. 373reality. Thus drinking of this miraculous liquor,you will find its taste like any wine that you shallfancy to drink. Come, then, imagine and drink. "We did so; then Panurge cried out, saying, " Pardieu! it is vin de Beaune, better than ever I drank,or may ninety and sixteen devils swallow me. Oh!to keep its taste the longer, if we had had butnecks three cubits long, as Philoxenus desired, or,at least, like a crane's, as Melanthius wished.""Foy de Lanternier!" said Friar John, " it is gallant and sparkling Greek wine. Oh, pour Dieu!sweetheart, do but teach me how you make it.""To me," said Pantagruel, " it seems wine ofMirevaulx; for, before I drank, I supposed it to besuch. Nothing is wrong in it, but that it is cold,-colder, I say, than the very ice; colder than thewater of Nonacris and Dirce, or the fountain ofContoporia in Corinth, which froze up the stomachand nutritive parts ofthose who drank of it."Drink once, twice, thrice more," said Bacbuc,"still changing your imagination , and you shall findits taste and flavour to be exactly that which youhave imagined. And henceforth say that to Godis nothing impossible.""We never offered to say such a thing," said I;Iwe maintain that He is omnipotent."This talk and drinking finished, Bacbuc asked,"Who of you here would have the word of theDive Bouteille?"374 READINGS FROM RABELAIS."I," said Panurge, " your humble little funnel. "66 Friend, " said she, " I have but one thing to tellyou, which is, that when you come to the Oracle,you take care to hear the word only with oneear."She then wrapped him up in a gaberdine, boundhis head with a fair white biggin, clapped over it afilter, such as those through which hypocras is distilled, at the bottom of which, instead of a cowl,she put three obelisks, girded him with three bagpipes bound together, bathed his face thrice in thefountain; then threw a handful of meal upon him,fixed three co*ck's feathers on the right side of thehypocratic filter, made him walk nine times roundthe fountain, caused him to take three little leaps,and to sit seven times on the ground, repeating Iknow not what conjurations all the while in theEtruscan tongue, and ever and anon reading in aritual, carried after her by one of her mystagogues.Thus accoutred, she separated him from ourcompany, and led him by the right hand out ofthetemple, through a golden gate, into a round chapelmade of transparent speculary stones, without window or other opening, in which is received thelight of the sun, shining there through the precipice of the rock, covering the temple so easilyand in such abundance that the light seemed tospring from, not to enter into, the temple.In the middle of it was a fountain of fine ala-PANTAGRUEL. 375baster, ofheptagonal figure, most artfully wrought,full of water, so clear that it might have passed forelement in its simplicity. Within it was placed, tothe middle, the sacred Bottle, all covered with pureand fair crystal, of an oval shape, except its mouth,which was somewhat wider than is consistent withthat figure.There the noble priestess Bacbuc made Panurgestoop and kiss the brink of the fountain; then badehim rise and dance round it three Bacchic dances.Which done, she ordered him to sit upon theground, between two stools placed there for thatpurpose. Then she opened . her ritual book, and,whispering in his left ear, made him sing an epileneia, as follows:-"Bottle divine,O'ercharged and fullWith fate and fear:I here inclineOne ear too dullThy voice to hear.My heart hangs now on thee:Thy heavenly liquor, fair to see,By the great victor- God's decreeThe fates and future holds contained.O wine divine, far, far from thee enchainedAre falsehoods, lies, pretence, and fond deceits;Blessed has the soul of Noah since remained,Because he made us sinners know thy sweets.The answer give whereat all doubt retreats.So may no drop, or white or red,Ofthee be wasted, lost, or shed.376 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.Bottle divineO'ercharged and fullWith fate and fear:I here inclineOne ear too dullThy voice to hear. "This song finished , Bacbuc threw I do not knowwhat into the fountain, and straight its water beganto boil violently, like the great pot at Bourgueil,when it is high holiday. Panurge was listening insilence with one ear, and Bacbuc was beside himon her knees, when from the Holy Bottle issued anoise like that made by bees at their birth in theflesh of a young bull, killed and dressed accordingto the art of Aristeus, or such as is made whena bolt flies out of a cross-bow, or when a showerfalls on a sudden in summer. Immediately afterthis was heard the word TRINCQ. “ Par la vertusDieu!" cried Panurge, " it is most certainly broken,or cracked at least, not to tell a lie for the matter;for even so do crystal bottles speak in our countrywhen they burst near the fire. "Bacbuc arose, and gently took Panurge underthe arms, saying to him, " Friend, render thanks toheaven, as reason requires, —you have promptly theword of the Holy Bottle; I say the word morejoyous, more divine, more certain than any I haveever heard, since I officiated here at her most sacredoracle: rise, let us go to the chapter, in whose glossis that fair word explained."PANTAGRUEL. 377" Let us go," said Panurge, " de par Dieu! I amas wise as last year. Explain where is this book.Turn to the place where is this chapter? Let ussee this joyous gloss."Bacbuc having thrown I do not know what intothe fountain, straight the water ceased to boil; andthen she took Panurge into the greater temple, inthe central place, where there was the life-givingfountain.There taking a great silver book, in the shape ofa half-hogshead, she filled it at the fountain andsaid to him: " The philosophers, preachers, anddoctors of your world feed you with fair words atthe ears; now here we really incorporate our precepts at the mouth. Therefore I do not say toyou, read this chapter, see this gloss; no, I say toyou, taste this chapter, swallow this gloss. Formerly an ancient prophet of the Jewish nation atea book, and became a clerk even to the teeth! youshall now drink one, and shall become a clerk tothe liver. Here, open your mandibules."Panurge having his mouth open, Bacbuc took thesilver book, at least we took it for a real book, byreason of its form, which was that of a breviary;but, in truth, it was a breviary: a true and naturalflagon, full of Falernian wine, which she madePanurge swallow."Here is, " said Panurge, " a notable chapter, amost authentic gloss. Is this all that the word of378 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.the trismegistian Bottle means? In troth, I like itextremely. ""Nothing more," returned Bacbuc; "for Trincqis a panomphean word—that is, a word understoodand celebrated by all nations, and signifies to usdrink."You say in your world that sac is a word common to every tongue, and justly admitted in thesame sense among all nations; for, as Æsop's fablehath it, all men are born with a sack at the neck,naturally needy, and begging of each other; themost powerful king under heaven cannot be without the help of other men, nor is there any poorman so arrogant as to be able to get on withoutthe rich-yea, were he Hippias the philosopher, whodid everything. Much less can any one makeshift without drink than without a sack. And herewe hold not that laughing, but that drinking, isproper to man. I do not say drinking simply andabsolutely, for beasts drink; I mean drinking winegood and fresh. Note, my friends, that by winewe become divine; and there is no argument moresure and no act of divination less fallacious. Youracademics assert the same, when they make theetymology of wine, which the Greeks call ' OINO ,to be, like vis, strength and power; for it hath inits power to fill the soul with all truth, all knowledge, and philosophy."If you have observed what is written in IonicPANTAGRUEL. 379letters above the temple gate, you may have understood that truth is hidden in wine. The HolyBottle therefore directs you thither; be yourself theexpounder of your undertaking.""It is impossible," said Pantagruel, " to speakmore to the purpose than does this venerablepriestess. I said the same to you when you firstspoke to me about it. Drink then: what saysyour soul, carried away with Bacchic enthusiasm? ""Here below," said the priestess, "in thesecircumcentral regions, we place the sovereign goodnot in taking and receiving, but in bestowing andgiving; and we esteem ourselves happy, not if wetake and receive much of others, as perhaps thesects of teachers do in your world, but rather if weare always imparting to others and giving much.All I have to beg of you is, that you leave us hereyour names in writing, in this ritual. " She thenopened a fair and large book, and as we gave ournames, one of her mystagogues, with a gold stylus,drew some lines on it, as if she had been writing;but we could not see any characters.This done, she filled three small leather vesselswith fantastic water, and giving them to us withher own hands, said: " Go, friends, in the protection of that intellectual sphere, the centre of whichis in all places, and the circumference in no place,which we call GOD. And being returned to yourworld, bear testimony that underground are great380 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.treasures and admirable things. And not wronglydid Ceres, once venerated over all the world, because she showed and taught the art of agriculture,and by invention of wheat abolished among menthe brutal nourishment of acorns, so much lamentwhen her daughter was ravished into these subterranean regions, as certainly foreseeing that herdaughter would find more good things and excellencies here below than she herself could ever getabove."What has become of the art of calling downfrom heaven thunder and celestial fire, once invented by the wise Prometheus? You have certainly lost it, it has departed from your hemisphere; but here underground it is in use. Andwithout a cause you are astonished seeing citiesburned by thunder and ethereal fire, and are ignorant of whom, and by whom, and to what end,came this disturbance, horrible to your sight, butfamiliar and useful to us. Your philosophers whocomplain that all things were written by theancients, and that nothing is left for them to invent, are evidently wrong. That which appears toyou from heaven and you call phenomena, thatwhich the earth exhibits to you, that which the seaand the rivers contain, is no way comparable withwhat is hidden underground."Nevertheless, the subterranean sovereign is innearly every tongue named by an epithet of wealth.PANTAGRUEL. 381When philosophers shall give their labour andstudy to search out, with prayer to the sovereignGod (whom the Egyptians named the Hidden, theConcealed, and invoking him by that name, besought him to manifest and discover Himself tothem) , He will grant to them, partly guided bygood Lanterns, knowledge of Himself and His creatures. For all philosophers and ancient sages haveconsidered two things necessary for the sure andpleasant pursuit of the way of divine knowledgeand choice of wisdom, -the goodness of God, andthe company of man."So among the philosophers, Zoroaster took Arimaspes for the companion of his travels; Æsculapius, Mercury; Orpheus, Museus; Pythagoras,Aglaophemus; and among princes and warriors,Hercules, in his most difficult achievements, hadhis singular friend Theseus; Ulysses, Diomedes;Æneas, Achates: you have done the like, takingfor yourguide your illustrious Lady Lantern. Nowgo, in the name of God, and may He guide you! "[The meaning of the oracle, as expounded by the priestess,seems plain. In it we see the creed of Rabelais. Hediffered from the theologians and the speculative scholarsof his time in two most important respects. He did not,like Calvin, Luther, and Roussel, take his stand upon theNew Testament. He did not, like Dolet and Desperiers,take Cicero for an evangel. He was, in the first place andbefore all, a student of Nature, a man of science; and, inthe second, a scholar. The Gospel was associated in his382 READINGS FROM RABELAIS.mind with the degradation of the cloister; it belonged tomonkery. When he emerged, he left it behind him in thestern religious light of the monastery chapel, and nevercared to look at it again. He built up his own religionfor himself. GOD is everywhere: this man's mind wasfilled with the omnipresence, the perfection , the order, thebenevolence of God. Not only in times of danger, but asan act of daily duty, does his wise prince supplicate andrevere God the Creator; while in the harmony of the stars,and in the admirable mechanism of the body, Rabelais,astronomer, physicist, and anatomist, saw not only a physicalorder of which human intellect can grasp only portions, buthe deduced also, by analogy, the laws which should governsocieties and individuals. The conduct of life should beruled, had we the knowledge, in strict accordance with thelaws of nature. It is man's first duty to acquire knowledge,to give and impart knowledge, like the inhabitants of Lantern Land: there is nothing in all the world worth havingbut knowledge, and especially physical science. Let everyman possess his soul with cheerfulness; let him eat; lethim drink; let him enjoy the golden sunshine and thepurple wine; let him sing, laugh, and talk with his fellows;let him exhort and be exhorted continually to study, to thepractice of research, to patience, and to charity; let himhave faith in the Divine Creator. Live according to thelaws of the world. Nature laughs. God rules in sunshine.And, about the soul? and about a future world? Go askyour oracles, says Rabelais, and see what answer they willgive. But the good God, who has created this wondrouscosmos, who gives us His continual grace to make us lovelearning and each other, reigns. Let us trust Him, becausethere is none other that fighteth for us.]PRINTED BY WILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONS.MESSRS WM. BLACKWOOD & SONS'PUBLICATIONS.THIS DAY IS PUBLISHED. SECOND EDITION.A N AUTOBIOGRAPHY.BY ANTHONY TROLLOPE.Two Vols. post 8vo, with Portrait, 21s.Summary of Contents.6My Education-My Mother-The General Post Office-Ireland; My First Two Novels-My First Success -' Barchester Towers ' and the ' Three Clerks '-' Doctor Thorne; ' The Bertrams; ' The West In- dies and the Spanish Main - The Cornhill Magazine ' and ' Framley Parsonage ' -Castle Richmond; ' ' Brown, Jones, and Robinson; '' North America; ' Orley Farm "The Small House at Allington, '' Can You Forgive Her?' 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Front matter

READINGS IN RABELAISWALTER BESANTARTES1817SCIENTIALIBRARYVERITAS OF THENIVERSITYOFMICHIGANTUEBORQUERISPENINSULAMANONAMCIRc*msPICEBEQUEST OFIRVING KANE PONDC.E. 1879, A.M. ( HON. ) 1911


Mar16.1888840R114-tBsscopyREADINGS IN RABELAIS

FrançoisREADINGS IN RABELAISBYWALTER BESANTWILLIAM BLACKWOOD AND SONSEDINBURGH AND LONDONMDCCCLXXXIII

0DOR ।।-२१39I K. Pond Bequest11-28-39"addcopy

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Contents

CONTENTS.PROLOGUE TO THE FIRST BOOK,THE FEAST AT THE BIRTH OF GARGANTUA, .THE CHILDHOOD OF GARGANTUA,THE EDUCATION OF GARGANTUA,THE WAR WITH KING PICROCHOLE,THE DREAM OF PICROCHOLE, .FRIAR JOHN AT SUPPER,AFTER THE BATTLE, .·PAGEI591532394549THE ABBEY OF THELEMA, 58THE BIRTH OF PANTAGRUEL,. 71THE LIMOUSIN SCHOLAR,80THE LIBRARY OF ST VICTOR, . 84PANURGE,87EPISTEMON'S DESCENT INTO HELL, 107PROLOGUE TO THE THIRD BOOK, 114THE PRAISE OF PRODIGALITY, 125THE PRAISE OF DEBT, . 129PANURGE DESIRES TO MARRY, 140THE TRIAL BY DREAMS, 155THE SIBYL OF PANZOUST, 168THE TRIAL OF THE DYING,THE TRIAL OF THE ASTROLOGER,172176xii CONTENTS.THE TRIAL OF THE THEOLOGIAN,182THE TRIAL OF THE PHYSICIAN, 189JUDGE BRIDOYE, 193THE TRIAL OF THE FOOL, 204THE HERB PANTAGRUELION, 211COMMENCEMENT OF THE VOYAGE OF THE DIVEBOUTEILLE,THE SHEEP- MERCHANT AND PANURGE,PROCURATION LAND,THE LORD OF BASCHÉ,FRANÇOIS VILLON AND BROTHER TAPPECOUE,THE GREAT STORM ,PHYSIS AND ANTIPHYSIS,ISLAND OF THE PAPIMANES,THE FROZEN WORDS,THE KINGDOM OF GASTER,THE ILE SONNANTE,THE ISLAND OF CASSADE,THE CHATS FOURRÉS,QUEEN ENTELECHEIA, .THE MUMBLING FRIARS,LANTERN- LAND,THE ORACLE OF THE BOTTLE,227231239240244256272275296301308324325337349356375READINGS FROM RABELAIS.

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